To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

[Shitmotherright]

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

Idea. Yep same here, my father pointed out my stretch marks to me and my family when we were on holiday once I was utterly mortified. That was 35 years ago and I still can't forget it.

Also bio oil doesn't work. IMO

Op yabu.

The idea that you must never, ever pass a comment on a girl's appearance is a bit strange. She might not even know what the stretch marks are or she might have been worrying about them secretly,. Without dialogue it would be hard to know. The OP's advice might be reassuring to the daughter that they will fade in, and the oil might help or it might not but it's not going to hurt. In my experience 14 year olds need reminding to do most things that are good for them- mine needed reminding to brush teeth, hair, apply sunscreen etc. Quite unable to remember a lot of things that I considered essential- so reminding to put some cream on is acceptablele in my book.

I had a lot of stretch marks at 14. I remember getting changed at school. It didn’t bother me but I was aware of them, at first I didn’t even know what they were. That was 34 years ago. They did disappear in time. I wouldn’t make a big deal of them.

@FreekStar

The idea that you must never, ever pass a comment on a girl's appearance is a bit strange. She might not even know what the stretch marks are or she might have been worrying about them secretly,. Without dialogue it would be hard to know. The OP's advice might be reassuring to the daughter that they will fade in, and the oil might help or it might not but it's not going to hurt. In my experience 14 year olds need reminding to do most things that are good for them- mine needed reminding to brush teeth, hair, apply sunscreen etc. Quite unable to remember a lot of things that I considered essential- so reminding to put some cream on is acceptablele in my book.

But it's not essential, is it? It's not even helpful, ultimately. Have you brushed your teeth- that's essential and fine to remind about. Same with things like homework.

Have you remembered to put your snake oil on just implies that OP has seen her daughter and noticed and reacted to stretchmarks she considers unsightly. It takes a non-issue and makes it loom large.

@FreekStar

The idea that you must never, ever pass a comment on a girl's appearance is a bit strange. She might not even know what the stretch marks are or she might have been worrying about them secretly,. Without dialogue it would be hard to know. The OP's advice might be reassuring to the daughter that they will fade in, and the oil might help or it might not but it's not going to hurt. In my experience 14 year olds need reminding to do most things that are good for them- mine needed reminding to brush teeth, hair, apply sunscreen etc. Quite unable to remember a lot of things that I considered essential- so reminding to put some cream on is acceptablele in my book.

Reminding your child to brush their teeth is to help prevent gum disease and tooth decay, both things that have a detrimental impact on their health. Pointing out stretch marks and reminding them to put cream on them to try make them go away is not good for them or their health. All it does is tell the child that their perfectly normal body is flawed and needs to be fixed.

I like my stretchmarks, always did. Would be annoyed at a parent projecting that concern at me.

However, I'm actually on the fence -- I often nag big DS who smells because he needs a shower. There are times when parents should say something.

I suppose OP starting this thread is the sign that OP is too invested. Bio Oil doesn't work and stretchmarks fade. If something did reduce stretchmarks (which obviously many people do dislike) then the comments might be appropriate presented as "an option in case the DD herself decides later that she dislikes the marks"; problem is that the suggested response (Bio Oil) won't help anyway.

YABU.

Also, why is she holding your hand etc? Do you baby her a bit?

I also don't get that you must never mention a weight problem to a child. My daughter is currently eating us out of house and home and has increased a whole dress size in the last 8 weeks- none of her clothes fit! The amount she's eating and what she's eating is unhealthy and as she's still a child, I think I'm doing my duty in having a conversation about it with her- to ignore it and not mention it and allow her to continue would be more damaging than pointing out her unhealthy eating habits.

Stop projecting your insecurities and ideals onto your daughter. And I say this as a woman who was constantly "reminded" to use effing bio oil on my own stretch marks as a young teen. Yes you are unreasonable, yes it is damaging to "remind" her and yes she will internalise that criticism of her body from her own mother. Let. It. Go.

I remember my mum would comment on my changing body, it made me feel insecure and I grew up with no body confidence. Even now at 30, I hate my body.

@TheVelvetiser

My mum made a big deal of my stretch marks when I was teen and was fond of the expression 'thunder thighs'; I was a size ten. It won't surprise you to hear that we no longer speak.

thats so bad , i cant believe you mum would think its ok to come out with that stuff , it must have been horrible for you , im so sorry velvet , hugs xx

@FreekStar

I also don't get that you must never mention a weight problem to a child. My daughter is currently eating us out of house and home and has increased a whole dress size in the last 8 weeks- none of her clothes fit! The amount she's eating and what she's eating is unhealthy and as she's still a child, I think I'm doing my duty in having a conversation about it with her- to ignore it and not mention it and allow her to continue would be more damaging than pointing out her unhealthy eating habits.

How old is she? Kids grow in spurts, so it's normal for them to have times when they're hungrier than usual. If she's still growing, just give her more to eat and make it balanced, you don't need to make her worried about eating.

@FreekStar

The idea that you must never, ever pass a comment on a girl's appearance is a bit strange. She might not even know what the stretch marks are or she might have been worrying about them secretly,. Without dialogue it would be hard to know. The OP's advice might be reassuring to the daughter that they will fade in, and the oil might help or it might not but it's not going to hurt. In my experience 14 year olds need reminding to do most things that are good for them- mine needed reminding to brush teeth, hair, apply sunscreen etc. Quite unable to remember a lot of things that I considered essential- so reminding to put some cream on is acceptablele in my book.

The things you list are health things though, that can cause pain or even illness if not addressed. OP's issue is a purely cosmetic one. Big difference.

OP's DP is totally right. OP's daughter will be on here in ten years time asking for advice on issues because of this sort of shit from her mother. It's actually really horrible what she's done. You only have to read a bit on here to see the longer-term damage overly critical, invasive parents do to their children.

Wow. Excellent parenting. Start policing how she looks after all, nothing apart from her looks are important right?

Hopefully she'll build a way away from you very quickly.

Well, if I thought that I could do something to help my stretch marks I would give it a go. Lots of things about our bodies are normal and natural, that doesn't mean they are attractive or that you would want them. Facial hair, acne, varicose veins, crooked teeth, mono brows, pubic hair growing down your legs, etc. all things that lots of people try to address- all perfectly normal but nothing wrong with trying to improve them. Do you all just accept your bodies with flaws and ignore them? I don't think you do!

YABU and setting your daughter up for potentially a lifetime insecurity surrounding them and her body.

@Sorka

Ouch your poor daughter! She will know she has stretch marks and that her body has developed. She must be so upset to have her Mum pointing it out and the flaws on her body. Agree with your partner - you will be giving her a complex. And stop telling her to shave her legs - she will if and when she wants to!

^^ this. You’ve told her, stop going on and on about it. Good lord. I can remember my mum doing this to me, on and on she went about growing boobs and bras. I still remember it and I’m now in my forties! I won’t be doing it to DD!

Oh nooo stop it. You should just have just said they're because she's growing up, they're a positive thing, everyone gets them and they'll fade in time. Stop holding her hand when you're out as well

Bio oil does nothing so you are quite foolish. There is no cure for stretch marks, they may go by themselves which is why bio oil gets bought by fools.

I hope your daughter learns better reasoning skills than you did. Meantime stop bitching at her over appearance, sounds like she lives with the school bully.

Leave her alone, please, critical comments from a mother when you’re growing up are really damaging.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

"Bloody beauty regimes to try and make your teenage body conform to some misogynistic ideal should be left back in the dark ages so that our girls can grow up free from a life of passivity and objectification. How much headspace do they have to devote to how they look compared to their brothers? Why should the perfectly natural signs of growing up and developing be made into some shameful problem that needs fixing before someone notices?"

Very well put!

My dd has lots of lower back stretch marks from a very fast growth spurt. I only know as I sometimes still help her with her hair in the shower (she is 14 this summer but has Autism). I have told both my teens they need to keep clean but apart from that their bodies are their business and I will only comment if they come to me and even then I would say: 'you are beautiful just as you are' (but then help / provide items if they wished, like shaving equipment, acne cream etc)

There is nothing wrong with stretch marks, they’ll fade in time. Bio oil will do absolutely nothing and is very likely your daughter will get more in her life as she is genetically predisposed to it. You are just setting her up to think that there is something wrong with them.

Personally I think YANBU

Wether anyone on MN want to admit it or not, when she gets older she will most likely resent her stretch marks so wanting to help her with that now I think is a good thing

Also shaving her legs at 14 in my opinion is also a good idea. My sister was particularly hairy and didn’t shave and she was bullied at school for it. So I think YANBU

You've told her that something normal on her body is abnormal

However if she doesn’t want to shave then leave that up to her

If she doesn’t want to apply to cream then again it’s her decision