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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Waterfallgirl · 05/04/2021 17:33

Cross post with @Luxplus who said it far more succinctly than me. 😊

MNWorldisCrazy · 05/04/2021 17:33

Your youngest is FARRRRRR too young to be spending a night away from Mummy, let alone multiple. What on earth are they thinking?!
Right now, your baby is still forming a bond with you. If you were separated from the father and had courts involved for example, they likely wouldn't even be suggesting overnights yet, or in a few months time even.

Madness

Nappyvalley15 · 05/04/2021 17:34

Just say no. If you can't give a flat no on where your children sleep then something is wrong.

Blame it on separation anxiety (as they will both be at the age for that) and and tell your parents you will consider letting them go on holiday in 2 years time when the kids actually might enjoy it.

shoofly · 05/04/2021 17:35

There is no benefit to your children at this age and you are not comfortable, so it shouldn't happen. This is all about the grandparents wants, and is just odd.

YoBeaches · 05/04/2021 17:35

My kids wouldn't be going. Different surroundings and no mum or dad nearby, a toddler and 6 month old, it's a recipe for disaster.

But my 2 month old wouldn't be sleeping over yet anyway so you have obviously made choices about them not being with you already is ok.

If they go it needs to be in your terms not theirs. But I really don't see the point, children so young won't get much if any, value from this trip away. It's about the GPS feelings and that's the wrong way to raise kids in my book. The children's needs come first.

LouiseTrees · 05/04/2021 17:35

OP when they’ve gone on holiday who is going to do the childcare anyway? Do you have an alternative the week they are away?

Llioed · 05/04/2021 17:36

This would be too soon for me. My husband and I stayed away for one night when our little one was 13 months old, and that was enough for us. We didn’t go away again til our little one was 3.5 years old (again, another one night away)
The ages of your two children is too soon.
If you really don’t mind your little ones being away for a few days then it has to be on your terms. Your parents don’t get to say when and how long for.

SpeedRunParent · 05/04/2021 17:36

That's nuts, I'd never have agreed to someone taking my 18 month old away without me let alone a 6 month old. Do people do this? Really?

MNWorldisCrazy · 05/04/2021 17:36

@Chocolateismakingmefat

My ils never had my dc unsupervised for more than a Dr /dentist appointment time. Didn't do their relationship any harm..

That's so sad.

CloudFormations · 05/04/2021 17:37

I think it’s really odd that your two month old spends nights away from you. That’s such a young baby! It’s fine for you to do what works for you but that is such an unusual set up with a newborn. I guess because they ready do that care your parents feel they would easily cope with a few nights away, but you’re still not unreasonably to say no.

Grace58 · 05/04/2021 17:39

For me that would be a HUGE no. I had a night away from my baby DS when he was a similar age because we got married, and he found one night unsettling (and that was with him at home). I don’t think sending a baby off for four nights to a different place with unfamiliar people when it’s not necessary is in their best interests!

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 17:39

That's so sad.
Of course it isn't, don't be daft.

Original poster

AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:40

@LouiseTrees

OP when they’ve gone on holiday who is going to do the childcare anyway? Do you have an alternative the week they are away?

The point of the holiday was to take the kids so no, I do have childcare yes

OP posts:

daisypond · 05/04/2021 17:41

Wow, they are way too young, surely. I’m quite laissez faire as a parent, and I wouldn’t be happy with this.

Luxplus · 05/04/2021 17:41

But cant the babies father be with them while you study that night? At such a young age it's about bonding with the primary child carers and for me personally it seems way over the top to hand over such young babies that frequently.
My parents are very involved and we go on holiday with them and see them a couple of times a week but they first had the girls staying overnight when they were 18 month and it was a night a month...
I'm not trying to judge but I'm quite shocked over this level of involvement from such a young age

CloudFormations · 05/04/2021 17:41

I agree it’s not in the best interests of the kids. A two month old doesn’t want to spend one night away from their parents, let alone 4. Your parents have to realise their wants aren’t more important than the needs of a newborn baby.

Original poster

AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:42

@Luxplus

But cant the babies father be with them while you study that night? At such a young age it's about bonding with the primary child carers and for me personally it seems way over the top to hand over such young babies that frequently. My parents are very involved and we go on holiday with them and see them a couple of times a week but they first had the girls staying overnight when they were 18 month and it was a night a month... I'm not trying to judge but I'm quite shocked over this level of involvement from such a young age

Due to hours etc not always no

OP posts:

1Morewineplease · 05/04/2021 17:42

I'm probably being a bit precious here but I think that your baby is too young to be away from its parents for four days.
Sorry.

Hallyup5 · 05/04/2021 17:43

My parents have taken my kids away but only started taking them when they were around 5 years old. Under 2 is way, way too young to be separated from you for over a day. I'd probably be comfortable with an overnight visit to my parents' house but not on holiday, absolutely no way.

ThornAmongstRoses · 05/04/2021 17:43

No way on earth would I allow this.

No way!!!

TatianaBis · 05/04/2021 17:43

OP, in the nicest possible way you need to pull yourself together.

They’re your kids, they’re too young, you say ‘No’.

You said I asked for a weekend. You’re not asking then if you’re allowed to keep your children a bit longer than they demand! They are asking you if they can borrow your children. And the answer is no.

Repeat after me: No.

When they’re older you can reconvene on the subject of taking them away. For now - nice of them to think of it etc - but the subject is closed.

ItsMarch · 05/04/2021 17:43

YANBU. You have valid reasons for wanting them close and for it to be a weekend. Don’t doubt yourself.

Sorry OP but I was also surprised your parents have a 2 month old once, sometimes twice a week. Can’t explain why! I know there’s nothing wrong with it but it just surprised me.

Trying to see it from their perspective... Maybe they feel like they have an entitlement because they do the childcare for you? Probably doesn’t feel any different to them. They may feel a bit used? Like they are ok to do the childcare but not take them away for a fun holiday.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/04/2021 17:43

YANBU not only because I think it would have been too young for my babies to do that but also because your parents are being such controlling dickheads about it.
they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us
This is just plain nasty, and ridiculous since the babies are too young to understand, but if they were, it shows that they don't care about upsetting the children to get back at you for not obeying parental commands. How awful!! If this is a sample of how they treat you, reconsider their involvement, because it sounds like you are in for a stressful time every time you don't comply exactly with their wishes, these are YOUR children, not theirs. They dont seem to recognise that you are an Adult living your own life. You don't owe them total obedience and your children's welfare comes first, not their wishes.
Your explanations sound quite reasonable, if your parents can't listen to you without day long arguments until they get their own way in every particular, then what hope do you have that they will listen to your wishes regarding any childcare issues. You can't trust them to listen.
Difficult though they are making it, and I think they are being very unkind, you need to stand up to them and endure their wrath, call their bluff, stop coming up with endless compromises to placate them, since its clear their attitude is "my way or the highway," or you will still be doing this in five years time. Sorry, they may help out with childcare once a week, but they are no support if they behave like this.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 05/04/2021 17:44

Dh's brother moved many miles away when he had dc.. I realised why when we had dc... Mil was not a nice woman tbh. Strict Catholic and the dc were not to be without a nappy ever. They would get sexual feelings apparently... Under my supervision was the best option... Could give other batshit examples. Not all dgps are canny little old folks!!

Jaxhog · 05/04/2021 17:44

@coconutpie

There is no way I would allow this. Both DC are way way too young for this.

This

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