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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 05/04/2021 17:25

At that age the kids don’t understand much they aren’t really missing out. Ignore their guilt trip.

queenMab99 · 05/04/2021 17:25

They might not be ill, but very upset and it would be difficult to take time off work, because your baby is missing you! I had to leave my 4 month old to go to my brother in laws wedding, (baby not allowed to go because he was the only grandchild and the bride said he would take all the attention) my parents were beside themselves when I got back the same evening, because he had cried all day. Actually it wasn't unusual, he cried a lot every dayConfused

Winter2020 · 05/04/2021 17:25

Sounds completely crazy to me. Just no.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/04/2021 17:26

It sounds to me like your parents want to play mum and dad to your children. They seem to think that their say is equal to yours and as if they have some kind of right to take your children away. This is not normal behaviour imo. You children are babies and they really ought to be with you. You aren't comfortable and that's the only justification that you need to say no.

I think you ought to be looking at some alternative childcare arrangements if they are going to get pissy with you every time you don't bend to their will. The danger in relying on grandparents for childcare is that some grandparents start to think of themselves as parents.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:26

@PandaFluff

Do they do this with other things or is it just this holiday. Maybe sit down with them calmly and let them know you are the mother and they will just push you away if they don't listen to you.

But no YANBU

It's with the majority of things, I'm told no pressure, total understanding, but any small thing we want to change or don't agree with it starts an argument
OP posts:
DoingItMyself · 05/04/2021 17:26

No! Say no. How ridiculous. They aren't entitled to take your children away anywhere.

I worked with a woman whose in-laws disappeared 'on holiday' with her children and were away months!

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 17:27

Since when did childcare extend to overnights? Confused. Do you both work similar shifts?
There's very little excuse for regularly farming out your weeks old baby overnight.

clarehhh · 05/04/2021 17:27

Far too young to leave you they are both babies and can’t even talk.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:27

@QueenArseClangers

Can I ask why they have your 2 month old overnight at the moment? Are you back at work? Or is it something they wanted? When/why did this start?
They provide childcare due to work commitments and to help us, it's usually once a week, sometimes twice
OP posts:
ShinyGreenElephant · 05/04/2021 17:28

Both kids are wayyyyy too young imo. 6 months!! Away for 4 days? That's crazy and absolutely not in a million years in the best interest of a 6 month old baby. I would let my 2yo go away for a night at a push if it was less than an hour away and even then I wouldn't enjoy it

Crosstrainer · 05/04/2021 17:29

No way would I have allowed this. And their being so argumentative would only cement that in my mind. They’re being completely unreasonable.

LouiseTrees · 05/04/2021 17:29

Couldn’t you change your holiday the month before to next year with the holiday company then with your work cancel that holiday and take at the same time as them?

Lassolarry1980 · 05/04/2021 17:29

Bloody hell

I wouldn’t want my children to go away with anyone who thinks I’m “unfair” for putting conditions around them taking my children on holiday. Let alone one like this. No ways

shouldistop · 05/04/2021 17:29

I agree with pp the fact that they stay overnight so often seems to give your parents the idea they have a say in these things. Stop the overnights if you don't absolutely need them to earn a living. Are you not on maternity leave at the moment?

DarkMatterA2Z · 05/04/2021 17:30

I would just say no. Kids are far too young to be away from you for so long and they won't get anything out of it.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:30

@LouiseTrees

Couldn’t you change your holiday the month before to next year with the holiday company then with your work cancel that holiday and take at the same time as them?
Sadly not no
OP posts:
NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 05/04/2021 17:30

This would absolutely NOT be happening in my house.

Completely different when the children are older and less reliant upon you and your partner.

Also if the dates don't work for you then don't allow it. They aren't doing you a favour and the added worry just isn't worth it

CloudFormations · 05/04/2021 17:31

I think your kids are too young to be away for a few days. Especially your youngest - they would only be 6 months right? A baby that young shouldn’t be away from their parents for that long if it can be avoided.

I think you need to tell your parents it will be a nice thing when the kids are older but not while they are so young.

bonitasi · 05/04/2021 17:31

That's absolutely ridiculous of them. Very demanding ! They are far too young to go away that long.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:31

@shouldistop

I agree with pp the fact that they stay overnight so often seems to give your parents the idea they have a say in these things. Stop the overnights if you don't absolutely need them to earn a living. Are you not on maternity leave at the moment?
I'm a full time student currently attending classes and going into work and partner works full time
OP posts:
Exhausted4ever · 05/04/2021 17:31

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Your reasoning is a bit weird.

Whether its a weekday or a weekend they won't be able to tell you if they are unwell anyway. Surely if they were unwell someone would have to take the kids home from nursery or wherever anyway as well so time off would be the same.

If you don't want it to happen, thats fine, just tell your parents the dc are too young but don't make up silly excuses, they are your kids, you have the final say.

This
Luxplus · 05/04/2021 17:32

I think the issue is that from the start they've had the kids fare to much that they now feel part of and entitle to an opinion and decision making for the best of the family. Babies does not need to stay twice a week overnight at gp, that is almost half the week...

Waterfallgirl · 05/04/2021 17:32

I agree with you OP - your children you decide. That’s a given I think.

But I also wonder here that the fact they already do overnights with them now ‘to help with childcare’ is a factor.

Most pp commenting probably don’t allow their 8 week and 1 year old to do overnights away from them.

I am not sure what your job is OP but if you work nights and they help you out with this already at (just) 8 weeks old and 1 year old I wonder if your DP are so involved in their care that they don’t think a 4 night holiday is an issue?

The DC are both very young to be doing regular overnights but that’s up to you and your choice obviously, but you have allowed this but now ( from your parents viewpoint) you have set ‘rules’ about the holiday.

It’s the fact they do this already might be clouding the issue.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:32

@Luxplus

I think the issue is that from the start they've had the kids fare to much that they now feel part of and entitle to an opinion and decision making for the best of the family. Babies does not need to stay twice a week overnight at gp, that is almost half the week...
It's mainly one night just to allow me to attend university classes and sort work etc
OP posts:
Crankley · 05/04/2021 17:33

Is there any way you can go with them? Otherwise say no. If they babysit at the moment you may need to find an alternative if they get huffy about it. Them saying the children will be missing out if they don't go is a nonsense.

Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?

I can't believe you are even asking! Of course you're right - you're the Mother! Don't let them bully you. Tell your parents they can take the children on holiday in a couple of years when they will be able to enjoy it.

Be brave and good luck.