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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AdriannaP · 05/04/2021 17:44

No way would I agree to this. They are far too small. Not even next year. Why are DP so pushy?

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 17:45

You children staying away overnight to enable you to attend university classes is extremely odd, op. Why course are you doing that runs overnight?

Orchidflower1 · 05/04/2021 17:46

The issue you have now is that the grandparents feel they are entitled to have a bigger say because you use them so much for childcare. They aren’t. Nip this in the bud.

No way on earth my dc would go on holiday without me at this age but they are YOUR chn- YOUR choices. Not mine, not your parents.

This will get worse, fighting over taking them to playgroup / school/ ballet for the first time. Wanting both of the two nativity tickets. Be brave, be strong and sort it now.

Lalliella · 05/04/2021 17:46

How can they possibly only be able to go for 4 days? That’s nonsense. There’s plenty of places you can go for a weekend! Tell them no. They’re overstepping.

FilthyforFirth · 05/04/2021 17:47

Jesus, your 2 month old sleeps away? That is utter madness. Sorry to be harsh, but that is shocking. I have a 4 month old and cannot possibly imagine him being anywhere else but home.

I get you are a student but does this mean no mat leave? Could you not defer a year? Your baby is still bonding with you at only 8 weeks old...

HalfBrick · 05/04/2021 17:48

I think they're too young and you need to hold your ground, but on the other hand maybe the parents want to give you a break and the sadist in me says let them go as two babies under 2 for four days would absolutely RUIN someone not used to it 😜.

DareIask · 05/04/2021 17:49

As a mother... no, far too young.

As a grandmother... no, far too young.

I'd happily move in though and let you go away for a weekend... but ONLY close enough for you to be able to come back if needed

Grin
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/04/2021 17:50

Jesus, your 2 month old sleeps away? That is utter madness. Sorry to be harsh, but that is shocking. I have a 4 month old and cannot possibly imagine him being anywhere else but home.

Thats great for you, and its awesome that you have the choice.

The op chooses differently. No need to shame her for having a bit of a break for goodness sake.

Maskedrevenger · 05/04/2021 17:50

Are you scared if you say an outright no that they won’t provide childcare for you?
Them having your children overnight is blurring the boundaries, you need to stop this or really cut down on it. You would not dream of allowing another child care provider , like a childminder, to take your children away for days. It’s not about which days of the week it’s just that you don’t feel comfortable with it, so just say so.
I’m a grandparent and my son and his partner and my granddaughter were living with us for the first 6 months of her life and I was very involved in looking after her but I still wouldn’t have asked to take her away for any amount of days at such a young age.

ThrowingAShellstrop · 05/04/2021 17:51

@GreyhoundG1rl

You children staying away overnight to enable you to attend university classes is extremely odd, op. Why course are you doing that runs overnight?
That really isn’t odd. I did a whole degree (10s of 10000s of people do it) at nighttime because I also worked full time. It’s a perfectly ordinary further education option.

OP there isn’t a chance this would happen for me and if you don’t put your boundary down now, you’ll be in for a whole load of pushy behaviour in the future.

Dddccc · 05/04/2021 17:51

I would let them take the older one and keep baby with you my inlaws took ds away when he was 12 months and no issues but then I trust them fully in looking after my ds if there is any issues they know how to cope my ds does have health issues but they have always known how to look after him

wildthingsinthenight · 05/04/2021 17:52

Your babies are far too tiny for this! It's madness. They would miss you!

ThrowingAShellstrop · 05/04/2021 17:53

Jesus, your 2 month old sleeps away? That is utter madness. Sorry to be harsh, but that is shocking. I have a 4 month old and cannot possibly imagine him being anywhere else but home.

The SHOCK the HORROR that not everybody is the same as you perfect PP. Unclutch your pearls for goodness sake.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 17:53

At night or during the night, Throwing? There's a hell of a difference.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2021 17:54

Your in laws have been over involved from the start and think they are quasi parents. Your dcs and especially your baby are far too little for this.

ralphi · 05/04/2021 17:55

I think you need to get them used to the idea that it is your way or the highway. I have had to go through this process with my mother, who although she never wanted my children overnight, had had a lot of other fixed ideas on how to bring up children, and how long she can stay with me. Setting boundaries will always lead to conflict, but there is no way around that. The question is what happens after the conflict, can your parents compromise or not? Otherwise you will just have to make your position clear again. Revoke your agreement completely if necessary. They need to get the message. Do not shy away from this confrontation, it should get better in time.
Personally I think they are way, way, way too young, but that is up to you.

ThrowingAShellstrop · 05/04/2021 17:56

@GreyhoundG1rl

At night or during the night, Throwing? There's a hell of a difference.
Both. Every spare waking minute was thrown into that degree and yes, I had kids (a newborn at one stage) too.
Luxplus · 05/04/2021 17:56

I would probably have a look at changing the set up. Could they be at your home checking on the babies while you were in class? Limit the sleepovers and slowing taking back control. I think you are setting yourself up for huge challenges ahead over your children if your parents already now are so involved in their day to day care.

hannayeah · 05/04/2021 17:57

They want to take a vacation with two children too small to even know where they have gone?

shouldistop · 05/04/2021 17:57

I'm a full time student currently attending classes and going into work and partner works full time

You don't need overnights to be a student I assume though? It will stop them thinking they have so much say if your babies are at home with you more.

SpeedRunParent · 05/04/2021 17:57

I have become aware that many of today's younger adults (and new parents) are much less independent than those of us over 40odd would have been at that age. I've often been caught out expecting basic self-sufficiency in conversations about new parents and been rounded on by the GP's / friends for expecting too much. This latest generation is different and it's sometimes hard to understand it from their point of view.
Many of us clearly cannot understand why the OP and husband would need her parents to have such a young child to stay away overnight (my mum had five kids - single mum - did two part time jobs and completed a BEd Hons degree. No help. They made them tougher back then). It's a generational thing, perhaps that's why the parents feel so entitled, because they are taking a much greater role than our parents did with us.

MzHz · 05/04/2021 17:58

I have a hulking great teen and I think this is way too much, too young

Whether your parents think you’re ott or not, doesn’t matter - they are asking WAY too much, being way too demanding and insistent and manipulative

Don’t get dragged into too much of a conversation, just say ‘no, that’s not going to work for us, an overnight first would have to happen when the time is right, and that’s not now’

ThrowingAShellstrop · 05/04/2021 17:58

@Luxplus

I would probably have a look at changing the set up. Could they be at your home checking on the babies while you were in class? Limit the sleepovers and slowing taking back control. I think you are setting yourself up for huge challenges ahead over your children if your parents already now are so involved in their day to day care.
Does studying only ever take place in a classroom?
Londonnight · 05/04/2021 17:59

There is no way I would have allowed my children at those ages to go away. It also never came up with grandparents. They would happily take them off for a day, but no one ever suggested they take them away on holiday without their parents.
As a grandparent myself now I have also never taken my grandchildren away for more than a day.

Thatwentbadly · 05/04/2021 18:01

@Chocolateismakingmefat

Dc will miss you more than they would miss a holiday. Still babies! Your babies!
This!

My babies wouldn’t be going anywhere without me.