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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 05/04/2021 17:12

My parents are very close to my 2. Looked after them from a very young age. Respected our routines and knew how to care for them as well I we did. They had them over night from about 16 months. I would trust them to care for them in sickness etc
Even with all that they didn’t take them away for even 1 Night until they were 4. I think your compromise of the weekend is fair enough.
If they’re not prepared to change what they planned at all then they don’t want it enough and they’ll be the one missing out.
The children won’t even know.

ImperfectAlf · 05/04/2021 17:12

I'm a grandparent. Your children's grandparents are being ridiculous. They are your children and if you don't want this then they need to suck it up. The children's welfare always trumps adult wants.

Shoppingwithmother · 05/04/2021 17:13

Personally I think it’s really weird for grandparents to be taking a 6 month old baby and a young toddler away on holiday without parents.
Tbh unless there is a childcare need they don’t even need to be staying at the grandparents’ house unless exceptional circumstances, but taking them away is totally unnecessary.

They’ve had their kids and gone away with them - why do they need to be the ones taking yours away too?

PandaFluff · 05/04/2021 17:13

@candycane222

Just seen your updates. They are arguing with you because you won't comply with THEIR wishes about YOUR children. That's frankly insane! How dare they???
I know it's horrible! OP is the parent she gets final say. My mum would send me a photo of my baby every hour if I asked her too even if she thought it was too much.
Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:14

@Chocolateismakingmefat

My ils requested this when dc were 1 +2. We agreed to go with them. 2 chalets next door to each other.. We had a dc in a cot per chalet.. Maybe a compromise?
We have booked a holiday the month before and offered for them to join without knowing of this at the time, otherwise this would be an option but we now can't
OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 05/04/2021 17:15

We didn’t do grandparent holidays till they were 5 and 3 then it was at their house and days out without us. Now they are older I would have no issues but less than 3 I felt was too young

Cushionsnotpillows · 05/04/2021 17:16

Am I right for having a say on when they can go?

This leapt out at me from your OP. ShockShockShock
Oh my goodness you are their MUM! You decide! Not your parents! How much have they bullied or manipulated or ridden over your feelings in the past that you even have to ask this question???

Stick to your guns. You're going to need to be able to do this and stand up to them all through your children's childhood from now on with those grandparents by the sound of it.

TechnoDino · 05/04/2021 17:16

Absolutely no chance I would agree to that!
Your parents are being ridiculous, and they need to realise that your opinion is the only one that matters with your children. Ignore their tantrum, they are being selfish, not you.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:16

@Pemberleys

Way too young and why do they need to take them on holiday? Can't they just enjoy having the grandchildren at theirs regularly for a few hours a week? Or you all go on holiday together?

Do they sleep in the same room as the 2 month old? I personally would be very uncomfortable for leaving DC that young for even a night, would they not be exhausted?

Yes he's in the same room, it would be carnage but they often have them to help with childcare
OP posts:
Chocolateismakingmefat · 05/04/2021 17:18

My ils never had my dc unsupervised for more than a Dr /dentist appointment time. Didn't do their relationship any harm..

Sittingonabench · 05/04/2021 17:18

It is absolutely your choice and I agree with others this seems young however I do understand that they may want a holiday during the week and not at the weekend. That is their choice, it may be that the children just don’t go.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 17:18

Ridiculous thing for your parents to suggest, and even more ridiculous that you can't just tell them no.

TheresWaldo · 05/04/2021 17:18

Just say no - far too young.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 17:19

@candycane222

Just seen your updates. They are arguing with you because you won't comply with THEIR wishes about YOUR children. That's frankly insane! How dare they???
Yes, it's been an argument all day because I asked for a weekend of 3 nights max instead of a week or 4 nights which they can get. I've been told I'm not right with my choice and that I don't trust them and more
OP posts:
jessstan2 · 05/04/2021 17:19

The children are far too young to be going away without parents at the moment, whether you trust your parents or not. They are babies for goodness sakes, they need to be near you.

SoftSheen · 05/04/2021 17:19

There is no chance (emergencies excepted) that I would ever have let either of my children stay away overnight without me at those ages. They will get nothing out of it and may well get very upset.

SunshineCake · 05/04/2021 17:19

If my in laws tried this they would be seeing the kids a lot less. They don't see you as an adult or as an equal parent. Stand up for your babies. Too much. Too young.

Fnib · 05/04/2021 17:21

I agree with @Cushionsnotpillows having seen your updates OP.

I'm a grandmother. I see my role as supportive, not as taking over. If you find your parents so domineering that you are fearful to stand up to them over your choices, I'd highly recommend a) We took you to stately homes on the relationships board b) look at the Out of the Fog forum (unchosen relationships) and c) some decent talking therapy.

Good luck x

Sansaplans · 05/04/2021 17:21

I'm always happy for someone to give me a break from DS, but I'd have been uncomfortable at that age to be honest. I would just be honest and say you're not comfortable.

Chloemol · 05/04/2021 17:21

No way would I let the youngest go away with grandparents at that age, and in fact would not let the oldest either, yes when they are perhaps 3 and 4 and can communicate

Can you go as well?,

Tistheseason17 · 05/04/2021 17:22

OP - it's not about your trust in them - it's that they are YOUR babies and you do not want to be without them. Tell them to adopt if they want to be parents again.

PandaFluff · 05/04/2021 17:23

Do they do this with other things or is it just this holiday. Maybe sit down with them calmly and let them know you are the mother and they will just push you away if they don't listen to you.

But no YANBU

Embracelife · 05/04/2021 17:23

They already spend nights with them

"they do stay down there for a night or 2 already as childcare:

Why the need to take them away somewhere?

Tell the gps to have break and a holiday without small kids

shouldistop · 05/04/2021 17:24

There's no way my children would be away from me for that length of time at those ages. With the baby it wouldn't be physically possible anyway and ds1 would have been really upset at that age.
Ds1 is 4 now and has had overnights away at grandparents and a couple of times 2 nights with DH.
Ds2 is 4mo and I'm not exaggerating when I say I'd feel physically ill for him to be away from me for that length of time and he'd be inconsolable.
Your parents aren't on to pressure you into this.

QueenArseClangers · 05/04/2021 17:24

Can I ask why they have your 2 month old overnight at the moment?
Are you back at work? Or is it something they wanted? When/why did this start?

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