Kids away with grandparents... help??

[AH71]

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

Your oh is going to have to organise hours and work to support you to stop these overnights. You simply have to take back control.
*

I agree with this. It may also be worth speaking to the university to see if they can offer any flexibility from their end. We are talking about maximum 12 weeks of lecture (and it's probably less with Easter holidays, exams etc) so I would work on how you can manage it between yourselves just to get to the end.

"childcare is to allow a bond with the grandparents while I'm needing time to sort my career."

Childcare isn't necessary for a bond to form!

Your parents are now sounding awful-why would you care about your kids having a bond with them?

They are relying on you needing them more than they need you-who treats their daughter/GC like that?

I agree with a pp-you need to stop relying on them & show them that you don't need them anymore.

@hannayeah

They aren’t speaking to you because you don’t want them to take your toddler and infant away for 4 days?

I’m sorry you are going through this. It seems very controlling and manipulative of them.

Are there some cultural issues involved?

No cultural issues at all, but yes that's right

@Orchidflower1

I have followed from the beginning so I’m sorry if I’ve missed it but could you not as your in-laws to have the children for a few weeks?

The only bubble from lockdown is with my parents, my toddler isn't confident with anyone else but our bubble due to being born a month before lockdown, she's not really met anyone else or bonded with anyone so it's not an option

@NerrSnerr

I am more than able to care for my children the childcare is to allow a bond with the grandparents while I'm needing time to sort my career.

You said upthread you need childcare due to work commitments and to help you. You clearly feel you need the childcare and it's more than just wanting a bond.

They haven't been talking to you for days. Are these people you really want to rely so heavily on? What hours does your partner works? As you've only got 3 months left could he take some hours leave, or work flexibly on the days you need to be at university if they're not forthcoming for childcare? (Or maybe you'll have to do the group work remotely).

My main reason for childcare is to finish my degree, and he can't no, how work are not in any way helpful

@Lassy1945

People’s standards can be so low for who they are happy to leave their children with.

Someone not talking to me is not someone who is left alone with my children. Let alone overnight.

They aren't just anyone they're my parents, so hardly low standards.

@AH71 your parents are not talking to you because they don't respect your choices for your own children. It looks like you'll have to figure out a way of getting through the next few months without them.

What time does he get back from work and what time do you need to leave for university?

Giving a relative regular unsupervised contact to your dc in their minds is giving them rights to your dc. They truly believe they can therefore make decisions amd do things their way. When we went with ils (as posted at the beginning) our dc around 1 was still a bit wobbly on his feet and ran into a doorframe. Huge bruise and he started being sick. Mil declared him fine and rubbed some butter on it!! He ended up in A&E getting checked over.. If we hadn't been there I know she wouldn't have taken him. Confirmed to me we had to be there... She visited weekly and we went there but never unsupervised.. Lots of other reasons to though..
Reclaim your dc op. However which way you need to do so..

"They aren't just anyone they're my parents, so hardly low standards."

Being your parents doesn't necessarily make them good childcare though does it?

@diddl

"They aren't just anyone they're my parents, so hardly low standards."

Being your parents doesn't necessarily make them good childcare though does it?

I've not once criticised their ability to care for my children so this is irrelevant.

I take your point that you have bubbled with your parents. However would it be more useful now to bubble with your in laws instead.

They could come to you and look after the dc at your home whilst you work/ meet online. They would then get a chance to bond with the dc in their own home so that when things are more open they will know them somewhat.

It also frees you up to break away from the enmeshed nature of your parental relationship. You could still see your parents but with the dc on other days at the park, zoo etc.

I admire you for wanting to better yourself and provide for your dc.

It appears to me that you’re almost living a parallel life of being a strong and determined (almost) working mum with this other young girl who is still treated as a child by her parents.

Have the confidence of your convictions to say,......
do you know what dp, you’ve messed me about and disregard my feelings whilst emotionally blackmailing me. The offer of taking MY dc on holiday is revoked.

They will huff and puff but don’t let them blow your house down. You’re doing an amazing job- sadly your dp obviously don’t want to let you do what you think is right. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing ( hence the three little pigs analogy).

Um no. Way too young. I mean it's likely you'd still be breastfeeding.

Very different for 5/6/7/8+ to have a fun summer mini break with grandparents. But this is way way way outside of the norm or need. Disruptive to their schedule and they wouldn't even understand.

"I've not once criticised their ability to care for my children so this is irrelevant."

The childcare might be fine but there can come a point where conditions attached make it untenable.

I wanted too to reiterate how I think you’re doing an amazing job

But please don’t sleep walk into a really bad dynamic because they’re your parents

Parents can and do hurt children to score points

They don’t listen to you, they don’t respect your choices or decisions and think that they know best in all things

They are not speaking to you because they want you to just hand your kids over for 4 days to go hours away from you and because you’re not just doing so they are using one of the most manipulative methods of control against you

These are NOT good parents actually - you will see this over time and they aren’t good people to leave your kids with

You do need to speak to uni and see what help/adjustment you can get for the last few weeks of your course

@AH71

Given that they are engaging in emotional blackmail in an attempt to control you...

What would you do right now if your parents were suddenly unable to care for your children? I would do that.

Morning @AH71 is there still radio silence for your parents? Do you have siblings who could help instead?

@Orchidflower1

Morning *@AH71* is there still radio silence for your parents? Do you have siblings who could help instead?

I'm an only child, they reached out yesterday to ask how the kids were

@Orchidflower1

I take your point that you have bubbled with your parents. However would it be more useful now to bubble with your in laws instead.

They could come to you and look after the dc at your home whilst you work/ meet online. They would then get a chance to bond with the dc in their own home so that when things are more open they will know them somewhat.

It also frees you up to break away from the enmeshed nature of your parental relationship. You could still see your parents but with the dc on other days at the park, zoo etc.

I admire you for wanting to better yourself and provide for your dc.

It appears to me that you’re almost living a parallel life of being a strong and determined (almost) working mum with this other young girl who is still treated as a child by her parents.

Have the confidence of your convictions to say,......
do you know what dp, you’ve messed me about and disregard my feelings whilst emotionally blackmailing me. The offer of taking MY dc on holiday is revoked.

They will huff and puff but don’t let them blow your house down. You’re doing an amazing job- sadly your dp obviously don’t want to let you do what you think is right. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing ( hence the three little pigs analogy).

Sadly the in laws are not an option for us. I get what you're saying, thank you

[quote hannayeah]@AH71

Given that they are engaging in emotional blackmail in an attempt to control you...

What would you do right now if your parents were suddenly unable to care for your children? I would do that.[/quote]
It's just managing, but that managing is at the cost of my grades for my degree

@MzHz

I wanted too to reiterate how I think you’re doing an amazing job

But please don’t sleep walk into a really bad dynamic because they’re your parents

Parents can and do hurt children to score points

They don’t listen to you, they don’t respect your choices or decisions and think that they know best in all things

They are not speaking to you because they want you to just hand your kids over for 4 days to go hours away from you and because you’re not just doing so they are using one of the most manipulative methods of control against you

These are NOT good parents actually - you will see this over time and they aren’t good people to leave your kids with

You do need to speak to uni and see what help/adjustment you can get for the last few weeks of your course

I've got all the plans in place at university but they can offer me no more. Thank you

Lol. Some people are arseholes. The judgement about OPs lifestyle is dreadful.

The 2 kids I have are 22 months and 6 months.

They go stay with their auntie regularly. The little one is in her own room as waking her when we went to bed was exhausting. I work full time, including nights so sometimes we need some childcare.

I clearly would send these 2 but understand that OP doesn’t want to. I just can’t get over the rest of the judgemental shit. It’s hilarious.

It seems a lot of people on here don't actually like their parents.

@Rachie1973

Lol. Some people are arseholes. The judgement about OPs lifestyle is dreadful.

The 2 kids I have are 22 months and 6 months.

They go stay with their auntie regularly. The little one is in her own room as waking her when we went to bed was exhausting. I work full time, including nights so sometimes we need some childcare.

I clearly would send these 2 but understand that OP doesn’t want to. I just can’t get over the rest of the judgemental shit. It’s hilarious.

It’s not judgemental shit that I’ve read It’s more genuine bafflement at thought of sending a 2 week old to grandparent for 1-2 nights a week. Yes that has been expressed in forthright language but the undercurrent is more “how on earth...” than anything approaching “you appalling shit mother”etc

It's just managing, but that managing is at the cost of my grades for my degree

Why? Wouldn't it be simpler to have someone like a babysitter or nanny coming to your house for a couple of evenings a week than have all the faff of taking the children to your parents and collecting them? Particularly with such a small baby.

What is this degree OP?!