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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lourdes12 · 06/04/2021 23:23

Follow your natural instinct as a mum, don't separate from your baby

Marcipex · 06/04/2021 23:23

I wouldn’t let the baby stay away from me this year! Much too young.
Maybe I’d let a toddler go for one night, and build it up gradually.
If their grandparents don’t like that, tough. It’s not their call.

Nith · 06/04/2021 23:39

Just one night a week where my class clashes with bedtimes and routines etc. I had no maternity leave because I'm a student

To be honest, I'd put my children's need to bond with their parents above the need for a routine, and I'd certainly have deferred my course for a year. If you didn't want to do that, wouldn't it have been easier to get a babysitter in for those nights when your husband isn't available?

lightyearsahead · 06/04/2021 23:47

Gosh some people are totally unreasonable with their responses to you.
You are doing the right thing. You have given them boundaries and they don't want to stick to them.
4 nights away is probably too much, even 3 at that age.
They are your children you decide what is best for them and you.
STick to your guns.

Somos05 · 06/04/2021 23:53

They sound very controlling - you’re not comfortable with it - end of ...
Far too young to go away with grandparents and why are they being so demanding?

Sounds a bit off ...

Mistressinthetulips · 06/04/2021 23:57

I think the OP is confusing the term "accident" with "mistake". Being an accident in no way implies something was unwelcome. Hence the phrase "happy accident".

JustLyra · 07/04/2021 00:23

@Lourdes12

Omg isn't the youngest one sleeping in the same bedroom as you. Young babies should always be in the same bedroom as their mum when sleeping so they can hear the breathing pattern of their mum. I would be too scared of SIDS
The sids guidance is that the baby be in a room with someone for all sleeps. It’s not specific to the mother.
Helenahandbasket1 · 07/04/2021 01:07

I think it’s fairly irrelevant whether they take the children away over the weekend or during the week. What do you think might happen that requires your immediate presence? Your parents already care for the children overnight once a week so presumably they know how to look after then, when to seek medical help etc.

I think it’s admirable that you want to finish your education.

MurphyDog5 · 07/04/2021 07:13

They are your children, you don’t even need to give a reason, you are allowed to stipulate your terms, if your parents don’t agree they don’t take them away.

ViviPru · 07/04/2021 07:26

You’re choosing to miss the point that the fact you have entered an unusual arrangement of overnight stays from a very young age, YOU have created the dynamic whereby you are feeling pressured into doing something you’re not comfortable with.

Had you requested that your parents mind the children in your own home while you were busy with uni work you wouldn’t have relinquished so much control. So while they ARE being wildly unreasonable with this weekday holiday expectation, it’s you who has mismanaged their expectations in the first place so you don’t have much of a leg to stand in with them now. You can’t have it both ways.

And I’m not interested in arguments about how hard it is to get work done with small children around. I’ve run two businesses through this pandemic with zero childcare at all for my two young DC.

Pixxie7 · 07/04/2021 07:51

They will be fine you don’t suddenly stop being able to cope when your kids grow up. Just enjoy the break and peace for a few days.

Nith · 07/04/2021 07:55

@Marcipex

I wouldn’t let the baby stay away from me this year! Much too young. Maybe I’d let a toddler go for one night, and build it up gradually. If their grandparents don’t like that, tough. It’s not their call.
They don't need to build it up, they are already having both children overnight once a week.
Juststopamoment · 07/04/2021 08:27

Please don’t. They are way too young. My ex mil was insisting she had my son when he was tiny (before 6 months) and I resisted until he was 4. My younger son has only gone on days out with them. I would see this as them testing the boundaries and you need to say no! If you say yes this time they will say in the future you said yes then why are you saying no now? You are the parent and they are your children. Take control now.

Cazck · 07/04/2021 08:44

Very unreasonable for your parents not to consider and respect your wishes. Also, maybe it is personal to me but I would not have anyone else look after my children at such a young age- especially the baby. You can't even explain to them why they are not going to be with you as they are too young. I think this is very cruel on the children - unless they are already used to spending a significant amount of time with them already?? Even if they do, if the children get upset they will naturally want Mummy. Sounds like your parents want to do it for selfish reasons and not with the kids interests in mind

Mumgonenuts2020 · 07/04/2021 09:09

2 Months is a bit young, how old or your parents? Also at least it is your parents and not the in-laws that is even harder... if you give in now, they will expect it all of the time, is is only going to get harder for you as they get older!! I find it really hard sending them off for 4 days and not been working!! My in laws have been more high maintenance over this sort of thing than my own parents over the years... mine are 12 and 8 now..

Beanie3 · 07/04/2021 09:09

Are you not satisfied with the fact that despite your parents having full control over you as a baby, you managed to survive? To be honest, I would worry more when your babies are a year or two older. At that age, not only will you need eyes in the back of your head, it’s almost essential to have super fast reactions. At the moment I’d guess only one of babies is capable of being somewhere or doing something she shouldn’t and there will be two pairs of eyes on her. As for the weeny one, what’s the betting that the minute your mum hears so much as a sigh, your baby will be in her arms. Many’s the time my mum would look after my daughter for a couple of hours and I’d return to find her with my daughter fast asleep in her arms. According to my dad she had been in my mums arms almost since I walked out of the door. She would tell me that babies know when they are safe and warm and sleep better because of it. In fact I trusted my mum and only my mum to take care of my daughter, even my husband didn’t get to do that until our baby was a toddler.
We all say in our big extended family, that my Nan was the best ever and that my mum, me, my sister and our girls are all good mums because of her. She lives on in each one of us.
Building beautiful bonds between your children and your parents can never start too soon. The worst your parents will do is to spoil them to the point of ruination, however your babies will benefit from wisdom beyond your years and so will you. Your mum has survived with you intact against all of the worries that send new parents into panic state. Your parents aren’t going off to Outer Mongolia or travelling with nomads with no connections to hospitals or GP’s and I’m sure that they will have a mobile phone between them.
I’d definitely be far more worried when your babies are say, two and three with no real sense of potential hazards other than discovering them before you. That’s when you need to have razor sharp reflexes and definitely eyes in the back of your head.
I wish every day that my Nan was still with me and even now, my daughter is all grown up, when I worry about her (like there’s ever a time that I don’t), I always think what my Nan would say to me.
Let that special bond begin, you will be glad you did and remember, no child has ever been loved too much.

Dawn884 · 07/04/2021 09:14

That's what i was going to say ☝️
You would have to take time off work if the kids were unwell anyway so if they were away it wouldn't make a difference.

Tinydinosaur · 07/04/2021 09:50

As much as I agree with the sentiment that I wouldn't want my child sleeping over night elsewhere. I think people are kinda being dicks about it. It's not like OP has said they look after the kids so they can have date night or whatever. She's studying so she can have a career that supports her kids. It's not a choice, it's a need.

A holiday is a choice. The grandparents don't need to take the kids on holiday, they want to. It wouldn't matter if OP regularly let's them have the kids at home over the week, it's a different situation entirely when the kids are away from a home setting.

I would be comfortable with my child spending one over night at their grandparents house a long time before I was comfortable with those same grandparents taking my child away on holiday for a week.

endlessstrife · 07/04/2021 09:54

I’m a granny now, but never in a million years would I have let my parents, or in laws, or anyone for that matter, take my children away at any age. At 13 and 2 months....a definite NO.

Tinydinosaur · 07/04/2021 09:56

Are you not satisfied with the fact that despite your parents having full control over you as a baby, you managed to survive?

God I hate this argument. My PILs kept my DH alive on pure good luck. I wouldn't trust them with my baby if my life depended on it.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/04/2021 09:57

@Beanie3 why didn’t you let your DH look after your child until they were a toddler?

Pinkyavocado · 07/04/2021 10:04

Urn No, just no. I’m pretty laid back but at that age there is no way I’d let my babies stay away with anyone overnight, let alone a few nights. Impossible anyway due to BF!

I admire you wanting to better yourself, of course but still shocked !

Singlenotsingle · 07/04/2021 10:09

They are your kids. You make the decisions! Anyway, the children are too young to go away without you.

Alsohuman · 07/04/2021 10:57

@Tinydinosaur

Are you not satisfied with the fact that despite your parents having full control over you as a baby, you managed to survive?

God I hate this argument. My PILs kept my DH alive on pure good luck. I wouldn't trust them with my baby if my life depended on it.

That’s complete bollocks, nobody raises a functional member of society through good luck. They did a good enough job for you to marry him.
NerrSnerr · 07/04/2021 11:00

@Alsohuman my mum is an alcoholic. Has been for as long as I remember. I survived my childhood but it wasn't fun and yes, it's luck that we didn't come to harm. Luckily my husband still married me, why wouldn't he? I'm not my mum. Just because I made it to adulthood doesn't mean that I would leave my children with her.

I'm not saying this is related to the OP, just the one response that just because a child survived their childhood doesn't mean that someone is fit to care for children.