Kids away with grandparents... help??

[AH71]

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

I'm not saying this is related to the OP, just the one response that just because a child survived their childhood doesn't mean that someone is fit to care for children.

^Sadly this is true. Also, surviving doesn’t mean that you survived unscathed. My DSis and I went through years of childhood SA at the hands of our abusive F and our DM had no idea it was happening. Our DB is damaged beyond repair.

The fact that my DSis and I are functioning adults with our own families isn’t thanks to our parents.

No way I'd let them stay / go anywhere without me / DH until they are are able to communicate and articulate what they'd like to do, and most importantly fully understand what is happening, why and where they are going and that they can request to come home any time.

I can assure you, a 13m and a 2m (or whatever exact age they'll be in the summer) will not be missing out on the excitement of a 4 day holiday. They are too little to comprehend. I'd revisit when they are about 5-6.

I think your parents are nuts tbh why on earth would they want 4 nights away with kids this small that weren’t there own. No way would mine have gone for 4 nights at those ages.
Will you not still be on mat leave when you youngest is 6m? Surely if they are unwell you would just leave work or one of you can? Get in car and go to them? If you’re thinking this is an issue then another reason not to allow it.
What’s wrong with a sleepover with grandparents I don’t get why they’d want this, and I’d miss my babies at those ages. I wouldn’t want 4 days wondering if they were ok etc. Just tell them you’ve changed your mind and you’ll stick to sleepovers for now. My kids haven’t gone on holiday with grandparents and have coped for 10 years plus (10/11 years old)

@Tinydinosaur

Are you not satisfied with the fact that despite your parents having full control over you as a baby, you managed to survive?

God I hate this argument. My PILs kept my DH alive on pure good luck. I wouldn't trust them with my baby if my life depended on it.

Your point would be valid were it not for the fact that her parents already have them overnight once a week, so clearly there must be more than luck involved.

Your children, your rules.

Don't feel bad for doing things your way. It's your turn, remember!

I think the only thing that really matters is that you don’t want to be away from your very small children for 4 days.

“No, because I don’t want them to be away that long.” Is a perfectly good reason. Who can argue with you saying you don’t want it? They cannot say “yes you do!”. They can say you’re being selfish, but hold your ground.

@Tinydinosaur

As much as I agree with the sentiment that I wouldn't want my child sleeping over night elsewhere. I think people are kinda being dicks about it. It's not like OP has said they look after the kids so they can have date night or whatever. She's studying so she can have a career that supports her kids. It's not a choice, it's a need.

A holiday is a choice. The grandparents don't need to take the kids on holiday, they want to. It wouldn't matter if OP regularly let's them have the kids at home over the week, it's a different situation entirely when the kids are away from a home setting.

I would be comfortable with my child spending one over night at their grandparents house a long time before I was comfortable with those same grandparents taking my child away on holiday for a week.

This! So glad you read it right!

@Beanie3

Are you not satisfied with the fact that despite your parents having full control over you as a baby, you managed to survive? To be honest, I would worry more when your babies are a year or two older. At that age, not only will you need eyes in the back of your head, it’s almost essential to have super fast reactions. At the moment I’d guess only one of babies is capable of being somewhere or doing something she shouldn’t and there will be two pairs of eyes on her. As for the weeny one, what’s the betting that the minute your mum hears so much as a sigh, your baby will be in her arms. Many’s the time my mum would look after my daughter for a couple of hours and I’d return to find her with my daughter fast asleep in her arms. According to my dad she had been in my mums arms almost since I walked out of the door. She would tell me that babies know when they are safe and warm and sleep better because of it. In fact I trusted my mum and only my mum to take care of my daughter, even my husband didn’t get to do that until our baby was a toddler. We all say in our big extended family, that my Nan was the best ever and that my mum, me, my sister and our girls are all good mums because of her. She lives on in each one of us. Building beautiful bonds between your children and your parents can never start too soon. The worst your parents will do is to spoil them to the point of ruination, however your babies will benefit from wisdom beyond your years and so will you. Your mum has survived with you intact against all of the worries that send new parents into panic state. Your parents aren’t going off to Outer Mongolia or travelling with nomads with no connections to hospitals or GP’s and I’m sure that they will have a mobile phone between them. I’d definitely be far more worried when your babies are say, two and three with no real sense of potential hazards other than discovering them before you. That’s when you need to have razor sharp reflexes and definitely eyes in the back of your head. I wish every day that my Nan was still with me and even now, my daughter is all grown up, when I worry about her (like there’s ever a time that I don’t), I always think what my Nan would say to me. Let that special bond begin, you will be glad you did and remember, no child has ever been loved too much.

You can't sit and say the bond between children and GPs is one that can start ASAP and that visits and holidays are no concern in your eyes, yet you've pointed out your mum ignored your wishes and you didn't trust your partner to care for your child before your parents, huge contradiction and double standards criticising me for it

@Dawn884

That's what i was going to say ☝️ You would have to take time off work if the kids were unwell anyway so if they were away it wouldn't make a difference.

Already explained this several times so read back 👋🏽

@ViviPru

You’re choosing to miss the point that the fact you have entered an unusual arrangement of overnight stays from a very young age, YOU have created the dynamic whereby you are feeling pressured into doing something you’re not comfortable with.

Had you requested that your parents mind the children in your own home while you were busy with uni work you wouldn’t have relinquished so much control. So while they ARE being wildly unreasonable with this weekday holiday expectation, it’s you who has mismanaged their expectations in the first place so you don’t have much of a leg to stand in with them now. You can’t have it both ways.

And I’m not interested in arguments about how hard it is to get work done with small children around. I’ve run two businesses through this pandemic with zero childcare at all for my two young DC.

I haven't created such a dynamic, as over the last year I have had several conversations with my parents about how we want things, how we are choosing to do things etc, and several times have had similar arguments because they don't listen, then argue with me for not being happy that they ignored my requests. I even went as far as to write out times and specifics about what they can and can't do based on what we know works best and they ignored it then argued when I asked them not to.

@ViviPru

You’re choosing to miss the point that the fact you have entered an unusual arrangement of overnight stays from a very young age, YOU have created the dynamic whereby you are feeling pressured into doing something you’re not comfortable with.

Had you requested that your parents mind the children in your own home while you were busy with uni work you wouldn’t have relinquished so much control. So while they ARE being wildly unreasonable with this weekday holiday expectation, it’s you who has mismanaged their expectations in the first place so you don’t have much of a leg to stand in with them now. You can’t have it both ways.

And I’m not interested in arguments about how hard it is to get work done with small children around. I’ve run two businesses through this pandemic with zero childcare at all for my two young DC.

And bully for you managing businesses with your children, your established you're earning and you're already at the stage where you can provide what's needed for you children. I'm not and my family's future and career depends on my degree so while you're earning from 2 businesses I'm trying to get there. Don't knock my motivation and drive just because you're already where I can't yet be

@Helenahandbasket1

I think it’s fairly irrelevant whether they take the children away over the weekend or during the week. What do you think might happen that requires your immediate presence? Your parents already care for the children overnight once a week so presumably they know how to look after then, when to seek medical help etc.

I think it’s admirable that you want to finish your education.

Again I've explained this several times. My kids would want us if there's something wrong, and I as a parent would need to be there. It's about being able to travel if I'm needed which if working wouldn't be so easy and quickly. Thank you

@Nith

Just one night a week where my class clashes with bedtimes and routines etc. I had no maternity leave because I'm a student

To be honest, I'd put my children's need to bond with their parents above the need for a routine, and I'd certainly have deferred my course for a year. If you didn't want to do that, wouldn't it have been easier to get a babysitter in for those nights when your husband isn't available?

During a pandemic and being a clinically vulnerable individual I cannot have people in my home to do this. Also my 1 year old has no confidence around people she doesn't know due to the pandemic she's lived through since her birth. I refuse to defer a year, as many people say they don't know what's going on at this age and all my time out of classes is spent with my children, the bond has not suffered at all. If I defer I'm less likely to return, meaning I've got no career to go into after working so hard to get where I am, and if I did manage to get myself back into it I'll only have to return later meaning the kids will be more aware of my absence compared to now.

@Lourdes12

Omg isn't the youngest one sleeping in the same bedroom as you. Young babies should always be in the same bedroom as their mum when sleeping so they can hear the breathing pattern of their mum. I would be too scared of SIDS

When did anyone say he wasn't? He's always in the same room as me, and the post isn't even about that so you've really misread this one

I can't believe 10% on the poll think your being unreasonable. You most certainly aren't. You are the parent. Not them.

The little ones will be about 17 months and 6 months then. What are they missing out on? They won't remember.

Anyway we are in a global pandemic which isn't over so that would be my first no its not happening anyway. If they can't compromise with you now there is no way the little ones should he going

Neither of them will have been away from you overnight before cos of the pandemic so you can't be sure how it will work out.

Just to confirm I am a Nanna as well to three with 4 adult youngsters. Their children. I do as they say. They are my grandchildren. Not my children

As a nana of 2 one year olds, i would love to take them over night even just at my house. This has not happened because of the current climate we are all living in. I believe its all about the early bonding between everyone. I respect the parents values and get to see the grandkids as often as i can. In the end the kids parents hold the cards.

@Sk8ermum3000

Wow. It’s incredible the criticism of the OP here. It’s amazing how on ‘MUMSNET’ there is so little solidarity with what we presumably all have in common. I know every shade, colour, type, choice of mother from the workers to SAHMs, to breast feeders to bottle feeders to strict routined to organic free range types, and I have no issues with anyone’s choice. Difference makes the world go round and it makes it interesting. Please ladies, don’t criticise someone who makes different choices to you as you don’t know their wider circumstances and it’s really unfair. Furthermore, I can assure the ‘perfect people’ who make ‘perfect choices’ that at some point life is likely to come and bite you on the bum. Be nice or stop posting.

This!

I imagine Lourdes was referencing the nights the baby is spending away from you. Clearly not in the same bedroom as you since he/she is in a different house on those occasions.
I suppose if your DM sleeps in the same room that probably helps.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Sorry, meant to say I agreed with Havering's post

You seem to have a real issue with me so why not just go elsewhere and stop criticising me if you don't like?

Just read they have been away one night a week regarding childminding. I still think its not relevant as this is a total different situation

@HaveringWavering

my children were not accidents, they were surprises and blessings but by no means accidents.

They were either planned or they were not. What are you saying- you were “surprised” when you got pregnant after unprotected sex?

If you were using contraception then they were accidents.

All I'm saying is they weren't planned at those times but I never ruled out having children at any stage, therefore not accidents but surprises. Just let things happen if they would.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't even allow a night away unless you were happy with it. Taking away a 3-4 month old baby is a terrible idea.

Both are way too young. No I wouldn’t allow this.

it seems this isnt the only problem with them having your kids is it-youve had various arguments where they want to do things their way

id suggest looking at alternative childcare as youre making them feel like they have the control to do as they wish

The point is that it should be something that you are comfortable with, not something that your parents are demanding, and that you feel that you are being emotionally blackmailed into agreeing to. If you have a bad feeling about your parents and what they want to do, just say no. They have a lot of contact already, you are not being unreasonable.