Page 22 | Kids away with grandparents... help??

AH71 · 2021-04-05T15:48:31+00:00

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend. This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this. They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed. My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us. I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly. Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road? Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed? Or are we being unreasonable?

ineedaholidaynow · 07/04/2021 13:47

Do childcare providers take 2 month old babies, also OP uses them for overnights.

Are you still being cavalier with contraception @AH71 so there could be some more surprises before you finish your qualification?

wheretonow123 · 07/04/2021 13:49

I really don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

I cannot understand how your parents cannot go over a weekend - is it because places are more expensive at weekends. I assume that they are retired so either weekend or midweek should suit them.

Also, cost cant be an issue I would imagine if there were originally planning to go much further away - they shouldn't blame you for derailing those plans - chances are Covid has forced them to row back on those anyway.

I would just say that even allowing them go at the weekend is a huge compromise for you and that it's a weekend trip or nothing.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 07/04/2021 13:52

Haven't read through the whole thread, so forgive me if there has been some amicable resolution.

From your OP, just say no and if they keep on with this unreasonable demand, tell them they can forget any time away with them even when they're older. I'm a grandmother by the way, how do some grandparents end up as entitled as your parents sound.

Tinydinosaur · 07/04/2021 13:59

@Alsohuman
Are you not satisfied with the fact that despite your parents having full control over you as a baby, you managed to survive?

God I hate this argument. My PILs kept my DH alive on pure good luck. I wouldn't trust them with my baby if my life depended on it.
That’s complete bollocks, nobody raises a functional member of society through good luck. They did a good enough job for you to marry him.

Load of functioning members of society have come from shit parents, neglectful or plain abusive parents. His parents aren't bad people though, they were just unsafe parents, but they laugh about it, so no, I would not trust them to keep my child safe, just because my husband woke up a day after being sent to bed for climbing out a window as a toddler and cracking his head on concrete. He still has the gnarly scar that definitely needed stitches to show for the hilarious incident.

Laserbird16 · 07/04/2021 14:00

F no. Your children are babies. I know everyone is different but I wouldn't like this at all. If you had to be seperated from your children at that age because you were sick or something yes they'd be fine but I couldn't imagine they'd love it.

Your parents can step off. They'll have plenty of time to do summers holidays, and it will be do more fun when your babies are older.

You're not comfortable and that should be reason enough. If your parents can't accept that then that's their problem.

Original poster

AH71 · 07/04/2021 14:48

@ineedaholidaynow

Do childcare providers take 2 month old babies, also OP uses them for overnights.

Are you still being cavalier with contraception @AH71 so there could be some more surprises before you finish your qualification?

All sorted now

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Original poster

AH71 · 07/04/2021 14:53

@wheretonow123

I really don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

I cannot understand how your parents cannot go over a weekend - is it because places are more expensive at weekends. I assume that they are retired so either weekend or midweek should suit them.

Also, cost cant be an issue I would imagine if there were originally planning to go much further away - they shouldn't blame you for derailing those plans - chances are Covid has forced them to row back on those anyway.

I would just say that even allowing them go at the weekend is a huge compromise for you and that it's a weekend trip or nothing.

No I asked them to stay closer ages ago as they we're looking at going 6-7 hours away originally and I just wasn't happy about that. No its not about cost it's about the particular dates available for the one caravan they want, yet I sent other options that are affordable and available when I asked and they completely ignored my suggestions.

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timeisnotaline · 07/04/2021 14:59

At 23 with two children, one a very young baby, and you studying full time with no mat leave, you are achieving a huge amount. Keep having confidence in your parenting, I wouldn’t have left a 5-6m baby with anyone for 4 days. (I did leave a 9 month old with their dad for 3 nights, no regrets!)

Original poster

AH71 · 07/04/2021 15:26

@timeisnotaline

At 23 with two children, one a very young baby, and you studying full time with no mat leave, you are achieving a huge amount. Keep having confidence in your parenting, I wouldn’t have left a 5-6m baby with anyone for 4 days. (I did leave a 9 month old with their dad for 3 nights, no regrets!)

Thank you!

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Nith · 07/04/2021 16:48

Are you not satisfied with the fact that despite your parents having full control over you as a baby, you managed to survive?

I wouldn't have been, to be honest, having been treated to my mother's theories on child raising which include crying it out, leaving the baby at the other end of the house so with luck you won't even hear the crying, and using brandy to get them off to sleep. It really is quite surprising that I managed to survive, it's not a risk I want to take with my children.

Nith · 07/04/2021 16:54

It's not like OP has said they look after the kids so they can have date night or whatever. She's studying so she can have a career that supports her kids. It's not a choice, it's a need

Well, no, it isn't a need. She could have deferred for a year, she could have opted for an arrangement whereby her parents or a babysitter came to her home rather than having the children stay overnight elsewhere. She didn't choose to do either. She no doubt had reasons for her choices, but it doesn't change the fact that they were choices.

Tossblanket · 07/04/2021 17:09

This is such an easy one to deal with.

Say no.

They're being completely unreasonable.

CrazyKitten · 07/04/2021 20:16

It sounds like you have it tough - 2 tiny kids, work and studying. Are you in the UK? I am surprised that you have not had the possibility of maternity leave of more than 2 weeks - I thought we were entitled to 3 months' minimum here? I would have thought you would have needed more time for your body to recuperate and you to have some time to bond with latest arrival. Also, has your husband not had any paternity leave? In these circumstances, I am not surprised you have used more than usual help from inlaws, so you can do what is needed and not go crazy. (I don't think I could do what you do even with that support). However, this probably makes them feel they have more of a parenting role, leading to the dilemma. I would express my real appreciation for their weekly support and convince them that a weekend stay would be a good compromise for the children's and your welfare, as they probably have this in mind and if they argue with this they not have the moral high ground!

RaeRaeMama · 07/04/2021 20:43

There is no way I would even let them take the kids on holiday when they are that young. Not a chance. And that's not a reflection on my relationship with my parents, because I'm very close to my mother, but no. And if they tried to make me feel bad about that I would shut them down.

Besides which, regardless of what I think, they are YOUR children. So they haven't got any right to act like this, it's not cool.

SnackSizeRaisin · 07/04/2021 21:00

OP if you accept this amount of free childcare from your parents you can't also expect to dictate how they do things. You are very lucky to have their help considering you had two children by accident with no plan of how to look after them. Your seem very ungrateful for the huge favour they are doing for you. The alternative is to arrange and pay for your own childcare. Even then you will have to accept some compromise

Original poster

AH71 · 08/04/2021 03:29

@Nith

It's not like OP has said they look after the kids so they can have date night or whatever. She's studying so she can have a career that supports her kids. It's not a choice, it's a need

Well, no, it isn't a need. She could have deferred for a year, she could have opted for an arrangement whereby her parents or a babysitter came to her home rather than having the children stay overnight elsewhere. She didn't choose to do either. She no doubt had reasons for her choices, but it doesn't change the fact that they were choices.

I've explained why I won't defer above, it's the best decision for my career and future and other options when I am vulnerable in a pandemic are not available

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Original poster

AH71 · 08/04/2021 03:32

@CrazyKitten

It sounds like you have it tough - 2 tiny kids, work and studying. Are you in the UK? I am surprised that you have not had the possibility of maternity leave of more than 2 weeks - I thought we were entitled to 3 months' minimum here? I would have thought you would have needed more time for your body to recuperate and you to have some time to bond with latest arrival. Also, has your husband not had any paternity leave? In these circumstances, I am not surprised you have used more than usual help from inlaws, so you can do what is needed and not go crazy. (I don't think I could do what you do even with that support). However, this probably makes them feel they have more of a parenting role, leading to the dilemma. I would express my real appreciation for their weekly support and convince them that a weekend stay would be a good compromise for the children's and your welfare, as they probably have this in mind and if they argue with this they not have the moral high ground!

As I am classed as a full time student you are required to take off 2 weeks after natural birth and are able to ask for an extra week or 2 if really needed but they expect you back as attendance is required to be able to warrant providing support but no real maternity leave no. Also yes my partner had 2 weeks off paternity but I was catching up on work and trying to rest and since he's worked

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Original poster

AH71 · 08/04/2021 03:33

@CrazyKitten

It sounds like you have it tough - 2 tiny kids, work and studying. Are you in the UK? I am surprised that you have not had the possibility of maternity leave of more than 2 weeks - I thought we were entitled to 3 months' minimum here? I would have thought you would have needed more time for your body to recuperate and you to have some time to bond with latest arrival. Also, has your husband not had any paternity leave? In these circumstances, I am not surprised you have used more than usual help from inlaws, so you can do what is needed and not go crazy. (I don't think I could do what you do even with that support). However, this probably makes them feel they have more of a parenting role, leading to the dilemma. I would express my real appreciation for their weekly support and convince them that a weekend stay would be a good compromise for the children's and your welfare, as they probably have this in mind and if they argue with this they not have the moral high ground!

I have tried to explain myself also but they just won't listen! We're now going into day 3 of not speaking and they haven't even asked about having the kids or seeing them

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Original poster

AH71 · 08/04/2021 03:42

@SnackSizeRaisin

OP if you accept this amount of free childcare from your parents you can't also expect to dictate how they do things. You are very lucky to have their help considering you had two children by accident with no plan of how to look after them. Your seem very ungrateful for the huge favour they are doing for you. The alternative is to arrange and pay for your own childcare. Even then you will have to accept some compromise

I'm very laid back with them, it's not often I dictate to them, only in regards to something big such as setting a bedtime, how much junk food they can give them, and how many hours away they can take my children and when, as they are my children and I should raise them how I want to. I show my gratitude to them constantly, I am definitely not ungrateful in the slightest but they have always acknowledged they are our children and will respect what we ask and choose, and I've been lenient when they've pushed it a little but when it's gone too far arguments like this start. Don't make it sound like I'm a lost parent here, not the whole 13 months have my parents been providing childcare. Last summer I had a 3/4 month period where I was caring for a newborn alone while playing catch up with my studies and trying to meet my deadlines without my parents around due to the pandemic, and I made myself so ill juggling it all I needed the help, and childcare wasn't available due to my baby's age and my vulnerability. I am more than able to care for my children the childcare is to allow a bond with the grandparents while I'm needing time to sort my career.

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hannayeah · 08/04/2021 04:14

They aren’t speaking to you because you don’t want them to take your toddler and infant away for 4 days?

I’m sorry you are going through this. It seems very controlling and manipulative of them.

Are there some cultural issues involved?

Orchidflower1 · 08/04/2021 06:41

I have followed from the beginning so I’m sorry if I’ve missed it but could you not as your in-laws to have the children for a few weeks?

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2021 07:43

I am more than able to care for my children the childcare is to allow a bond with the grandparents while I'm needing time to sort my career.

You said upthread you need childcare due to work commitments and to help you. You clearly feel you need the childcare and it's more than just wanting a bond.

They haven't been talking to you for days. Are these people you really want to rely so heavily on? What hours does your partner works? As you've only got 3 months left could he take some hours leave, or work flexibly on the days you need to be at university if they're not forthcoming for childcare? (Or maybe you'll have to do the group work remotely).

Lassy1945 · 08/04/2021 08:44

People’s standards can be so low for who they are happy to leave their children with.

Someone not talking to me is not someone who is left alone with my children. Let alone overnight.

MzHz · 08/04/2021 09:20

I know you think at 23 you’re not “young” but with parents like yours you’re still a kid, know nothing and they know better.

As someone said, in your 20s is when you start to assert yourself

They try to over rule everything you decide, they don’t follow any of your guidance or decisions and they don’t respect your choices.

I understand what you’re doing in studying etc and why and you should finish this so that you scan gain the independence you so need and deserve

You have a fee months left

Your oh is going to have to organise hours and work to support you to stop these overnights. You simply have to take back control.

Your parents don’t respect your choices, they don’t respect you and they are controlling and manipulative

This isnt a situation that’s going to get any better until you take charge and stop them setting the narrative

They are exactly the kind of GP that will take you to court to force contact

MzHz · 08/04/2021 09:22

My own mother HURT my then 6yo (on his birthday) to get at me.

Physically hurt him.

She wasn’t anything close to as manipulative as YOUR parents @AH71