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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SallyB392 · 06/04/2021 20:54

I would guess that your parents Can't afford the weekend breaks. The 4 day midweek breaks are often far less expensive. Perhaps you could compromise and suggest you make up the difference in prices?

MamaAffrika · 06/04/2021 20:56

YANBU
I can't believe you're even considering sending a 6 month old away for 4 nights. I could understand 1 night for something very important but never that long at such young ages.

Original poster
AH71 · 06/04/2021 21:02

@SnackSizeRaisin

In my opinion they shouldn't be away from you regularly overnight before the age of 1. A night every week from 2 weeks old is completely wrong. Just to facilitate a university course, which you could have deferred for a year. You are acting very young and irresponsible, having 2 children by accident, and expecting to carry on your life exactly as before without making any changes to care for your children and expecting your parents to pick up the slack, free of charge presumably. Especially when you have a partner - it's not as though you are managing alone. Lucky the parents don't seem to mind but you can't have it both ways - either you are the parent, look after your own children and make the decisions, or you ask your parents to act as your children's parents too and accept that they are going to want to do things their way. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are being rather inconsistent.
Do not come and tell me I'm doing wrong by my children. My education is creating my career to raise my children, my partner works unreasonable hours and my course only impacts my family one night a week only. I do not ask them to parent my children, I parent my children they merely care for them overnight once a week. I'm far from irresponsible despite my age, my whole life has changed to care for my children but I refuse to lose my education for the sake of a year out, I'll end up studying at one point or another so get it finished while I'm already doing it and aware and have the help from the university. I'm 3 months away from qualifying with a huge successful career ahead of me after managing to get some of the highest grades in my year through both pregnancies so I do not need to defer my year. Also, my children were not accidents, they were surprises and blessings but by no means accidents. Just because someone doesn't plan something in their life doesn't mean it's an accident, and I pray you never have unplanned, surprise children because I would hate for them to be raised to feel like an accident to you.
OP posts:
Original poster
AH71 · 06/04/2021 21:03

@SallyB392

I would guess that your parents Can't afford the weekend breaks. The 4 day midweek breaks are often far less expensive. Perhaps you could compromise and suggest you make up the difference in prices?
Money is not the issue for them, they are wanting one accommodation and refuse to look at something identical with availability over a weekend that's all
OP posts:
Original poster
AH71 · 06/04/2021 21:04

@MamaAffrika

YANBU I can't believe you're even considering sending a 6 month old away for 4 nights. I could understand 1 night for something very important but never that long at such young ages.
I never said I was happy with 4 nights, if you check I asked for less nights and over a period where I can easily travel to be there
OP posts:
Original poster
AH71 · 06/04/2021 21:05

@ftm202020

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I'm not 'packing them off' and I'm a good parent to my children thank you for your concern though.
OP posts:
Original poster
AH71 · 06/04/2021 21:11

@Sarahrellyboo1987

If your kids were where you lived and needed you then you would leave work and get to them. The fact it’s a weekday makes no difference.

You’re wanting a child free weekend. Just be honest about it. Nothing wrong with it. But, I’d let them go - and enjoy the childfree evenings and not needing to tidy the house every 5 minutes after worm

It's really not that, but if I'm working I don't have my phone, meaning I can't get a call if needed until breaks, at weekends I can leave instantly
OP posts:
JonSnowIsALoser · 06/04/2021 21:30

The problem is not just the age of your children, but the IL's unwillingness to allow you to have a say in matters relating to your own children. They come across as very controlling - not a good sign. There will be lots more arguments unless you make it clear now that you are the parent and you make decisions.

Even the best parents with really close connection with their grown-up children often start to go bonkers controlling when they become grandparents. Speaking from experience.

Sk8ermum3000 · 06/04/2021 21:49

100% not only are YNBU but stop justifying your reasons. They are your kids and you can make every decision without your parents permission! Were your parents very domineering when you grew up and did they dictate to others how their lives looked? I suspect so. You are an adult and it is your call what happens with your kids and your parents will only push you away by making you feel bad. You do not need their permission for anything you do with your kids and if you feel uncomfortable about something then listen to your instincts. At the point that you feel comfortable, reach out to them if you like. You can say no - there is nothing they can do. As a mum, it’s very very important that you feel comfortable and happy with what happens with your children and you have every right to stand your ground.

Saharafordessert · 06/04/2021 21:49

From the grandparents point of view they are already having the babies for a chunk of time every single week to facilitate the OPs university course so why shouldn’t they take them on holiday and have some fun with them rather than just the routine day to day stuff?
I think the lines have blurred somewhat and they possibly feel entitled to an opinion due to their large input in the babies upbringing.
Stick with what you are comfortable with OP but I can see why they would think this.

HaveringWavering · 06/04/2021 22:07

my children were not accidents, they were surprises and blessings but by no means accidents.

They were either planned or they were not. What are you saying- you were “surprised” when you got pregnant after unprotected sex?

If you were using contraception then they were accidents.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/04/2021 22:10

Well
I feel kinda conflicted.
Brilliant that your parents are supporting you and partner. Having the babies overnight must make a real difference.
Clearly you are comfortable and trust them completely.
That makes it harder to say no and articulate why.
I think you honestly need to say that your parenting instinct means on reflection 4 days is just too long. Please go and a have a break yourselves.

Familyshopper · 06/04/2021 22:11

I find that bizarre I’ve never known anyone’s
Parents wanting to take such young children away how can they say the kids will be missing out they won’t have a clue !

Sk8ermum3000 · 06/04/2021 22:11

Wow. It’s incredible the criticism of the OP here. It’s amazing how on ‘MUMSNET’ there is so little solidarity with what we presumably all have in common. I know every shade, colour, type, choice of mother from the workers to SAHMs, to breast feeders to bottle feeders to strict routined to organic free range types, and I have no issues with anyone’s choice. Difference makes the world go round and it makes it interesting. Please ladies, don’t criticise someone who makes different choices to you as you don’t know their wider circumstances and it’s really unfair. Furthermore, I can assure the ‘perfect people’ who make ‘perfect choices’ that at some point life is likely to come and bite you on the bum. Be nice or stop posting.

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/04/2021 22:12

@HaveringWavering

my children were not accidents, they were surprises and blessings but by no means accidents.

They were either planned or they were not. What are you saying- you were “surprised” when you got pregnant after unprotected sex?

If you were using contraception then they were accidents.

Not accidents, just surprises... You what?
GreyhoundG1rl · 06/04/2021 22:13

Sorry, meant to say I agreed with Havering's post

Alsohuman · 06/04/2021 22:14

Quite right @Sk8ermum3000.

Quaagars · 06/04/2021 22:16

I would guess that your parents Can't afford the weekend breaks. The 4 day midweek breaks are often far less expensive. Perhaps you could compromise and suggest you make up the difference in prices?

At that age though, it wouldn't have been about the price for me.
At the age of 1 years old and 6 months old I'd have been happy with an overnight stay, when it comes to what amounts to basically a weeks stay that's a whole new ball game.

Quaagars · 06/04/2021 22:18

I never said I was happy with 4 nights, if you check I asked for less nights and over a period where I can easily travel to be there

God, I don't know what I missed mid thread, but you were perfectly clear in your OP you weren't happy.
Think it's MN and people need to be arseholes for the sake of it - pack off? What's that all about?
Go with your gut and what you're happy with.

JustLyra · 06/04/2021 22:18

Some folks on here really could do with learning the “if you can’t say anything nice then you shouldn’t say anything” mantra.

Some of the comments to the OP have been beyond ridiculous.

fiveminutebreak · 06/04/2021 22:21

Way too young to go for that long. I could never agree to this and my parents have been very involved in my DCs life. Why can't your parents just take them for a few hours, or a day, why do they need to take them for 4 days? Your parents are being incredibly manipulative. They're your kids. Your decision. And they need to respect that!

supperlover · 06/04/2021 22:28

Gosh. As a grandparent I wouldn't want to have two children that age to stay without the parents unless an emergency. Why on earth would they want the hard work and broken sleep is beyond me! Lovely to see grandchildren with the parents at that stage but taking them on holiday is for when they're much older in my opinion.

Lourdes12 · 06/04/2021 23:12

Omg isn't the youngest one sleeping in the same bedroom as you. A child that young should always be kept next to its mum during sleep. You are putting your child at risk. sids happens when baby is separated from mum during sleep. The baby needs to be able to hear its mums breathing pattern

Lourdes12 · 06/04/2021 23:19

Omg isn't the youngest one sleeping in the same bedroom as you. Young babies should always be in the same bedroom as their mum when sleeping so they can hear the breathing pattern of their mum. I would be too scared of SIDS

HaveringWavering · 06/04/2021 23:22

Really struggling to see what on Earth your parents would get out of taking two children under two on holiday with them. The children won’t care or even be aware and the grandparents will have all the stress and faff in a less convenient location that is costing them money!