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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

227 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 11:57

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 05/04/2021 18:40

Very rude if neurotypical as you say. Your friend should leave that dc home.

KOKOagainandagain · 05/04/2021 18:41

@Whatisthisfuckery

Lol - really?

Yeah. Fucking hilarious.

UserTwice · 05/04/2021 18:41

It's also poor social behaviour to have a regular visitor to your house and pretty much ignore them. OP seems to be expecting the teen to "do stuff" that isn't phone based. Is there "stuff" available for them to do, that they are interested in, or at least don't hate? 13 is an age where boys mature at wildly varying rates. It's quite possible that the visiting teen and OP's son, whilst the same age, are actually poles apart in terms of interest. I suspect in a year or so, OP may find their oldest has changed in terms of interests as well.

If my teens visit friends with teens they all sit on their phones, but they do generally exchange the odd bit of communication about what they are looking at. That's what passes as teen socialising.

User5747384 · 05/04/2021 18:46

I think it's unfair to take a 13 year old around someone's house they clearly don't want to be at.
You sound really judgy on the 13 year old, perhaps they feel that and don't want to be around you...

BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 18:46

@KOKOagainandagain

'Lack of manners'. WTF

You mean implicitly understood rules of social interaction? Like turn taking, reciprocity, eye contact, appropriate distance?

So your redefining diagnostic criteria of social communication disorders as lack of manners?

So if all DC were taught 'manners' there would be no social communication disorders like autism?

So we parents have failed to teach 'manners' and are babying?

Do you know how ignorant and insulting your comment is?

Lack of manners in autism is like lack of blood sugar control in type I diabetes. Unfortunately there is not the option of injecting the missing control mechanism in autism. So unfortunately the outcomes are worse with regards to education, employment and independent living Sad

But you don't know this child has autism at all, and some (many) teens do lack manners, for many reasons. Either they're not taught or hormones made them regress, or the have developed MH issues.... I mean quite honestly coming on to threads and shouting 'but autism!' is really regressive and quite offensive in itself. This is an anonymous forum, we can only go on information given and cannot change that to fit our own personal narratives or agendas. It's just as bad as people who think that any MiL behaving oddly or rudely has bloody dementia Hmm.
Brefugee · 05/04/2021 18:48

Poor kid, they obviously don't want to be there. Leave them to it.

User5747384 · 05/04/2021 18:50

I am not autistic but as a child I was very shy around adults.
Not every kid is outgoing and wants to be social with adults it's not rude to be shy it's how some people are.

Lovedove · 05/04/2021 18:56

@BrumBoo totally agree with you

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 19:17

Right @Brumboo, I’ll let this child’s mother know you have diagnosed her child with autism, shall I. Maybe I should PM you her number and you can telll her yourself.

Hi some anonymous person of the nternet I’ve been talking to’s sister, I’m just calling to let you know your child has autism. I mean I know he’s not been diagnosed, and nobody has even suspected it, but after reading a few posts on Mumsnet I can confidently say that he definitely has autism.

Yep, lol.

I’m bored of this silliness now.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/04/2021 19:24

And when you tell your sister that are you also going to tell her you have been slagging off her child and her parenting online?

BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 19:26

@Whatisthisfuckery

Right *@Brumboo*, I’ll let this child’s mother know you have diagnosed her child with autism, shall I. Maybe I should PM you her number and you can telll her yourself.

Hi some anonymous person of the nternet I’ve been talking to’s sister, I’m just calling to let you know your child has autism. I mean I know he’s not been diagnosed, and nobody has even suspected it, but after reading a few posts on Mumsnet I can confidently say that he definitely has autism.

Yep, lol.

I’m bored of this silliness now.

I think you've tagged the wrong poster, @Whatisthisfuckery. I may not agree with you in general but I have argued against making assumptions the child is autistic. Only their parents know if they've been diagnosed or even flagged as ASD, so if you say they have not I take you at your word.
BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 19:26

@Sirzy

And when you tell your sister that are you also going to tell her you have been slagging off her child and her parenting online?
Though this conversation I would love to hear. At least it will be the end to the visits I'm sure Grin.
allaboutthecrisps · 05/04/2021 19:35

I don’t let my DC sit in their room from morning to night on their phone anyway. We go out for walks, they help with some household stuff, go out cycling with mates and right now they’re playing guitar.

But the 13 year old whose behaviour you are so strongly objecting to can't do any of those things at your house. So what do you actually expect them to do? Sit and listen to adult conversation for the whole visit?

phoenixrosehere · 05/04/2021 19:49

YANBU, it is rude however, you seem more upset with the teen than the parents. I would say the parents are rude for dragging a teen who is old enough to be home alone to some one else’s home so they can socialise.

A 13 yo who can’t be in the comfort of their own home because their parents don’t trust them enough to be by themselves has to follow said parents to your home and needs to pretend to want to be there and/or socialise for your benefit. Have you ever talked to the teen? Ask them anything about their interests?

I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

Could it possible be that they don’t like the food you offer or make? Have you ever asked what they would like? Do you ask the teen any questions at all?

The 13 yo is in a room alone by choice, not doing or saying anything wrong. Maybe they don’t like to socialise. Would you rather they sit with you all and look obviously bored out of their mind lwhich you would consider rude too. Teen can’t obviously win unless they are meeting your expectations it seems,

Also, if you don’t like them in a certain room, why not explain that?

I'd just let them be. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest

Me either. Some people aren’t social or able to fake interest. My sister is one of those people unless she is comfortable with you otherwise she just sits there looking bored.

KOKOagainandagain · 05/04/2021 20:15

Just be kind. It's not that hard.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/04/2021 20:21

I asked in my OP if it’s rude to go round someone’s house and disappear without a word to sit on phone, and I maintain that it is and wouldn’t be happy if my DC did it.

And that's fine, but what is there for them to do instead?

BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 20:35

@KOKOagainandagain

Just be kind. It's not that hard.
'Be Kind'? Of who/what exactly Hmm. Maybe stop thinking you can diagnosed conditions from reading an Internet post and then wrongly accusing other posters of stating those with autism (especially the made up kind you've put on this child) 'lack manners' which is absolutely not what I said.
GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 20:38

These days; I disregard anyone admonishing someone else to be kind in any context whatsoever. It's become a synonym for "don't argue, I am right".

ComplexNeeds · 05/04/2021 22:55

@Whatisthisfuckery

Lol, you have to laugh at how these threads go.
You’re laughing????
PattyPan · 06/04/2021 10:32

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I asked in my OP if it’s rude to go round someone’s house and disappear without a word to sit on phone, and I maintain that it is and wouldn’t be happy if my DC did it.

And that's fine, but what is there for them to do instead?

Converse with others? Hmm
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/04/2021 10:51

@PattyPan

OP said her sister doesn’t like the DC hanging around with them when they’re at their house. She sends them away.

Branleuse · 06/04/2021 11:18

I dont like when i see friends, for any kids to just be hanging about in same room. I dont care if theyre trying to be polite. It always means you cant have a proper chat with the other adult, so id be quite happy for my kid to go and wait in another room.
Unless the other kids in their house were their actual friends and we had gone for them to meet up too

jessstan2 · 06/04/2021 11:43

I don't mind kids not sitting with adults when visiting, they are children after all, but I would want them to sit at the table to eat.

lljkk · 06/04/2021 11:47

gosh the British love their resentments.

Is the resentment useful to you, OP?

allaboutthecrisps · 06/04/2021 14:04

Converse with others? hmm

I've heard what my 13 year old talks about and it's not a conversation which is engaging for me. The conversations I have with my sister are often not engaging for her. What point is being proved by making the visit less relaxing for everyone? Or do you mean no concessions for 13 year old and they can just listen to adults talking about whatever they normally talk about?