Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

[Whatisthisfuckery]

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

@lljkk

gosh the British love their resentments.

Is the resentment useful to you, OP?

Ouch!

@lljkk it’s not resentment when you feel hurt, or feel rejected. Is it very helpful to you to make shitty comments?

Totally agree with @KOKOagainandagain - my DC has social anxiety and freezes up when someone even says hello to him, people think it's rude that he doesn't reply but it's because he has terrible anxiety and as much as he wants to, he cannot. Disgustingly judgemental of the OP to think this of a 13 yr old. For goodness sake, there could be all sorts of reasons for this and the parents are not going to tell you if he has issues or not! Get a grip and stop being so offended by the behaviour of a 13 yr old!

What exactly do you want this teen to do when they visit? Engage in lively conversation, sing and dance, play football or would reading a book be acceptable? Leave the poor kid to it, they're doing no harm, not causing trouble and being quiet in their own little world. Eating at the table with others is the one thing to be insisted on.

@user109839873,

It is not disgustingly judgmental, as 81% of people agree. Interesting that the ‘vocal’ majority seems entirely opposite to the silent majority.

The OP might just know her relative a bit better than you do.

Some people have very low standards for teens. They are not people with the privileges of adulthood but the responsibilities of babies. They are in the middle on both counts.

Nothing at all wrong with being expected to try to make conversation, even if hard. Good practice for school and, even more importantly, work.

Yeah OP tell your mate that when you started an internet thread about how rude her child was, and how you couldnt believe that she let him get awat with it, that another poster suggested it might be a social communication issue and to reserce judgement.
See what she says. She will probably just laugh at how readily people suggest additional needs these days rather than just it being her shit parenting and her child being a bad person

@TheReluctantPhoenix just wondering how you would force a child who didn't want to talk, to do so. Plus what punishment would you dole out if they refused?

I wouldn’t want dc to walk off and find empty room and definitely not eat elsewhere, when here even let alone visiting but I’d probably not bring them along if they couldn’t be sociable

@wigjuice,

I would tell them to make the minimum of polite conversation.
I would have a conversation about privileges (of which my children have many) and obligations. They get it.

In the unlikely event that they refused, normal sanctions apply (loss of screen time, extra money etc).

@TheReluctantPhoenix well that's a real excellent way to make them appreciate your parenting. You sound an absolute nightmare of a parent. Not feeling you can talk is not about being naughty, it's not about being entitled. Maybe the child doesn't have the confidence, maybe hormones are flying around everywhere. How about talking to the child and seeing what is the problem, rather than lecturing and punishing them? No wonder some children end up nc with their parents.

Talk or you lose your pocket money!!!! Ha ha!

@wigjuice,

This is so typical of MN these days.

Rather than listening to an alternative approach, attack the poster and their parenting on a parenting forum.

My bet is that those who choose to parent and not try to befriend their teens will end up with at least as good adult relationships. I have friends with adult children who were never shy of parenting and they have great adult relationships with their children.

Converse with others?

@PattyPan OP has already said she doesn't want the DC to be hanging around the adults.

@TheReluctantPhoenix so you're only complaining because I don't agree with you or because I didn't answer with pretty words. I thought you were being an advocate for the art of conversation? It's hardly my fault your only able to reply with a clichéd winge. Maybe you need to lose your pocked money.

You're not your!

@wigjuice,

If you like words, whinge has an 'H' in it and my children's weekly allowance has never suffered from smallpox....but this is getting very petty.

The basic debate about which the OP consists is whether a 13 year old should have to come on a family visit and join in a bit. I think they should and have explained my reasons. You disagree.

All fine and good, it is a discussion site. Once you start laying in to other people's parenting, it becomes unnecessarily unpleasant and personal (and also against site rules).

@TheReluctantPhoenix yes and pocket has a t not a d at the end. But everyone can make a mistake, as the darlek said climbing off the dustbin. Fortunately the art of having an interesting conversation is about what comes out of a persons mind and not how they spell, or even commenting on how they spell. How boring would one have to be to resort to that sort of thing. Nowt worse than being bleated at by a pedant.

It is very rude by normal social standards but some children can't help it. SEN/ASD aside some kids are painfully shy/socially anxious, it's very rare a child means to be rude!

13 is an awkward age. Just keep being friendly to him and he'll most likely grow out of it. If not he might just go on to be a very insular person, someone you might consider to be a bit "odd". It takes all sorts to make a world!

@TheReluctantPhoenix btw I do apologise for putting your parenting down, that was wrong of me. As long as it all comes from a place of love, doing things and seeing things differently shouldn't matter.

I grew up with parents who listened to me and didn’t force relationships on me - I have a fantastic relationship with them now.

Who exactly benefits from making a 13 year old sit in a room of people when they don’t want to be there and are just being expected to go because parents say so? What does that teach them other than their feelings aren’t respected.

A 13 year old can be SO much worse than this! Just let them be amiably unsociable.

Am I getting this right? He comes into your home and takes himself off into another room without seeking permission and his parents think this is ok? I would be apoplectic if my niece did that, let alone a family friend. Yes, he needs to duty socialise with the other children or adults in your house at the time or persuade his parents to let him stay at home. I'm sure he doesn't want to visit, but he has to learn to negotiate that with his parents and slap on a sociable face while he is there. I'm cringing.

Can you lock the empty rooms when DC comes round?

I think it's fine to not want to socialise if they've been made to come along but there's a way to be polite about it and their parents should be teaching them how to do that.

Eg
Arrive. Participate in a few minutes of greeting/polite pleasantries eg "hi mrs x, thanks for inviting us. I like your new sofa, that's a nice colour".

Then politely ask if you can go off elsewhere eg "please could I sit in the study mr x? I prefer a bit of peace and quiet."

However I think you respect the rules of the home and eat at the table if that's what your hosts do, and then politely ask if you may leave the table when you finish eating.

Liking your own company doesnt mean you can just be rude. It's fine to go sit by yourself if you do it politely.

If there is no ASD issue here, my question is why does the other parent bring this child? Surely at 13 they can stay home alone, which would make everyone happier?

It's rude, but he is somewhat justified in resenting the forced friendship at 13.