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AIBU?

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Original poster

Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

430 replies

Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 11:53

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 05/04/2021 14:01

Quick sidestep there OP. from “tipsy, high spirits, music blaring, and having a blast” to what sounds like a soirée in a country garden with subtle guitar music strumming in the background as people chat and mingle.

I'm also wondering how there are no immediate neighbours but also a very tiny garden

TheJerkStore · 05/04/2021 14:03

From what you've written you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

My ex used to say similar things to me and it eventually made me really paranoid that I was a complete embarrassment every time I went out.

Now I'm away from that relationship I can see how toxic and controlling it was. It has taken me a long time to be able to completely relax though as 13 years of being told I'm loud and an embarrassment is hard to ignore.

Don't worry about it. I really hope you had a lovely afternoon.

MixedUpFiles · 05/04/2021 14:03

As the child/teen stuck at torturously long events with an alcoholic parent, I tend to err on the side of believing the teens in these scenarios, but the reality is that we don’t have any reliable evidence.

I do think you need to accept that for some people, this kind of event just isn’t enjoyable. That isn’t a character flaw. That doesn’t mean they aren’t fun or they are boring people. They just get excited by different things.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:06

It was Spanish guitar type music turned up inside so it could be heard outside so did sound loud when standing near the door, but not so loud at the end of the garden. SIL lives in a cottage at the end of a long lane, and has one other neighbour (it is a second home that is almost never used, or certainly hasn't been when we have been there) and yes she does not have a big garden at all, it is small but it backs onto a field. What is this important?

OP posts:
CarelessSquid07A · 05/04/2021 14:07

I am an introvert and have found going back into social things exhausting. I really wanted to but after a couple of hours I was just done, maybe it was just too long for them after not being used to it for a long time. I find I loose my ability to cope with it all gradually during lockdown and have to build things back up in terms of group size and people I am comfortable with.

I absolutely agree you shouldn't have been commenting on your Dn's appearance. Proud or not those kind of comments can be awful for people. I find people who comment on wieght whether positively or negatively horrible especially publicly because I feel like they say they're seeing the weight not the person.

If you're the only extrovert in the family you'll just have to seek out those things you crave yourself. Leave hubby at home if he's happy, he won't feel he's missing out and you don't have moaning to dela with. Arrange small meet ups instead.

Howshouldibehave · 05/04/2021 14:09

@Itsalonghaul Can you drive and go alone next time?

SauvignonBlanche · 05/04/2021 14:10

Sanctimonious teenagers can grow out of it, it’s unlikely that your DH will though.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:10

No one can tell me whether leaving a 13 and 15 year old for a three hundred mile round trip with Easter traffic, with added time for lunch is safe? I don't think so, but happily to be told otherwise if this is generally considered being too careful.

So I don't think I had the choice but to take them. They do now choose where they go obviously, and have done for ages, but I would be worried leaving them all day so far away. That is the main issue. If we were doing the same thing next weekend, I still wouldn't want to leave them.

OP posts:
LookAChicken · 05/04/2021 14:12

I'd have taken them at that age. It's not ideal for them but it's also not terrible in the scheme of things.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:13

I am an introvert and have found going back into social things exhausting. I really wanted to but after a couple of hours I was just done, maybe it was just too long for them

I agree.

Can you drive and go alone next time?

I might do that, or just stick to christmas. They seem much happier at christmas. Or do more things at my house so dc and drop in and out when they feel like it.

It was SO nice not cook for once Grin so nice to drink some wine in the sun after a long cold winter. I don't regret enjoying it, I do regret not agreeing a time to leave with dh and dc.

OP posts:
sauvignonblancplz · 05/04/2021 14:14

We have left kids of the same age for that length and they were fine . We had to go to a funeral and obviously they couldn’t come.
Have you other family or friends near by. They know what to do in an emergency & I know that they have a list of people to call if they need to.
Granted we were not that far away so I understand your predicament.
I do agree with a couple of other people that you’re being quite unbalanced toward your kids and I’m repeating that I’m shocked at you allowing such disparaging comments from strangers about them.

Howshouldibehave · 05/04/2021 14:16

No one can tell me whether leaving a 13 and 15 year old for a three hundred mile round trip with Easter traffic, with added time for lunch is safe?

Well, nobody here can tell you that’s definitively ‘safe’, no-that’s a decision you’d obviously have to make for yourself. I wouldn’t do it.

I wouldn’t go out there again for the day with a DH that made comments like that though-I would go alone.

Did you answer how the SIL is related to you?

Cheeeeislifenow · 05/04/2021 14:19

Did you answer how the SIL is related to you?

It's her dh's sister. It's not fair op that you have to make all of the sacrifices.

CharlotteRose90 · 05/04/2021 14:20

Jeez stay and enjoy yourself. We’ve been locked in for a year. Miserable sods. You can have a drink and party at any age.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:20

sauvignonblancplz I have spoken about my feelings towards my dc and how proud I am of them. I am not getting into an argument on line with someone that doesn't know them. They are great dc, not big fans of mass family events admittedly but that is their choice, they don't have to like it do they.

I answered a while that SIL is dh's sister, although she feels like a sister to me, she is lovely. Kind, generous and really nice. I couldn't have asked for a nicer one. I know not everyone can say that, and I didn't have so much luck with MIL but she isn't with us anymore.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 05/04/2021 14:21

I don't think that how close neighbours are makes a difference anyway. I don't know why people keep going on about it the OP has said there are no close neighbours.

Where I live my garden backs on to a row of other back gardens. In the summer there are dogs barking, kids playing, lawns being mowed, people having friends and family round for bbqs (in normal times). I'm probably the quietest one and someone who keeps to themselves but I understand you have to give a little when you live near other people.
I quite enjoy the sounds of summer and people enjoying themselves.
It was a few hours in the middle of the afternoon not an all night rave!

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:22

We’ve been locked in for a year

That is how I feel too. I sit night after night inside, or walking the dogs. It has been as boring as hell! Really I would probably choose hell than go through it again. I am not good at being at home quite so much.

OP posts:
AIMD · 05/04/2021 14:23

Sounds like they were out of their comfort zone. Possible as a result of too much too or too much social expectations after having so long without it.
Maybe they were over weekends? However they shouldn’t make you feel bad for needing/wanting/enjoying socialising in that way for others.

I think it’s good your kids aren’t interested in alcohol and I do think there has been a shift in culture and young people now rate alcohol a lot less than when I was a teen.

Are any of them particularly assertive? Like could/would they have been able to vocalise if they wanted or needed something (even if it was quiet or space). I’m wondering if they felt Overwhelemd but also unable to do anything about it, so felt a bit powerless and then let it out on you after. That’s not ok.

Howshouldibehave · 05/04/2021 14:24

@Itsalonghaul

sauvignonblancplz I have spoken about my feelings towards my dc and how proud I am of them. I am not getting into an argument on line with someone that doesn't know them. They are great dc, not big fans of mass family events admittedly but that is their choice, they don't have to like it do they.

I answered a while that SIL is dh's sister, although she feels like a sister to me, she is lovely. Kind, generous and really nice. I couldn't have asked for a nicer one. I know not everyone can say that, and I didn't have so much luck with MIL but she isn't with us anymore.

Sorry, I missed that.

If you are very close, I’d be having a chat with her about what her brother said and how it made you feel. What would she say about his comments?

Teens can be annoying but your DH is the problem here, I feel. I’d want to unpick what exactly was going on? Is he usually like this when you see his sister? Would he make comments like that to her? If he said them to you, in front of her-what would she say?

Mojoj · 05/04/2021 14:24

@MyDcAreMarvel God you must be great fun at a party you sanctimonious killjoy. OP you did absolutely nothing wrong. Next time leave your other half and kids at home and get up on that table and dance your ass off!

Sugarintheplum · 05/04/2021 14:26

I'm not sure whether anyone else has said this yet as it's already at 220 messages, but you are probably feeling so sad and upset about it this morning because of the drink last night. It is a depressant!

Drink water today. Try to distract yourself and likely tomorrow you'll feel much better!!!

SatsumaFan · 05/04/2021 14:27

OP you sound exactly like me. Don't feel bad, you had every right to relax, have a couple of drinks in the sun and laugh. Your comment about your niece was fine!

Some of these scathing comments are hilarious! Some people are so serious and patronising on MN...

SatsumaFan · 05/04/2021 14:28

Urgh all the drink shaming! I can't bear it, it's pathetic. OP is not a alcoholic and didn't get hammered yesterday ffs

joysexjoysex · 05/04/2021 14:28

I imagine most people are celebrating being able to see other people, merry, socialising, perhaps having a drink! Why op is being made to feel guilty is bizarre (particularly because someone else upthread has a disability). Being locked inside for a year isn't normal and she's allowed to be sad about it.

And teenagers op know everything and are right about everything don't you know. They are smarter and wiser and you know nothing. Sanctimonious twats

UserTwice · 05/04/2021 14:31

No one can tell me whether leaving a 13 and 15 year old for a three hundred mile round trip with Easter traffic, with added time for lunch is safe?

Why wouldn't it be safe? What are you imagining might happen? Presumably there is someone that the DC could call on if some emergency did happen? (I've ruled out you living somewhere rural miles away from anywhere as you managed to get 150 miles in under 2 hours with Easter traffic. Or you are exaggerating the distance for effect.)

It's perfectly normal (well it was normal pre Covid times) for teens to be left all day during school holidays and to have parents who worked away from home at some distance. Or indeed for teens to go out all day. At 13 and 15 I wouldn't even consider it being something to worry about. I guess you are only worrying because you've never done it so perhaps start leaving them for shorter periods and building up?