Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

[Itsalonghaul]

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

I think that your DH needs to be firmly told that if he has a problem with something you do, he is to bring it up privately, and not in front of your daughters, and certainly not encourage them to gang up on you.

And yes, at some point when things are calm and positive, you need to talk about them finding those few hours hard due to their personalities, but how you've found almost the whole year hard, due to yours. But you still hung in and tried to make the best of it for you and for them (with examples). And that you'd appreciate just a bit of empathy from them.

I do wonder what happened to make them say you lost your filter. It might not be just your loud laugh. Is there any chance that you said something you shouldn't?

Some really unpleasant judgement over alcohol on this thread. I'm fully aware of the heartache genuine alcoholism can wreak and I'm not trying to minimise it, but alcoholism aside, it is possible to have a good time and have that good time enhanced by a glass or two of something, without this being indicative of a drink problem.

OP it sounds to me like you were just letting your hair down for the first time in months of lockdown and they decided to be misery guts about it. I'd take it with a pinch of salt, particularly from your teens, as teens will always find something to criticise their parents about.

It's always difficult blending introverts and extroverts in a household imho, but I think on this occasion your DH and DC were acting like fun sponges and it wasn't necessary. We've all had enough boring rubbish lockdown time lately and life is short.

It is a 150 miles away tal so not straight forward with youngest being 13 years old. I assume you work locally and can pop home if you are needed.

I work locally. Dh works from home, so we are close by. I am not sure when is the right time to leave 13 & 15 all day when we are 150 miles away with heavy M25 traffic? Genuinely interested to see if I should be leaving them for that long so far away.

@Mamette

They sound like they were ganging up on you a bit, to have a go. Your teens are learning it’s ok to speak to you like that from your DH.

I would have a word with H and say you’re not willing to tolerate any judgmental comments in front of the DC in future, and if he has an issue he can wait until you are alone to discuss it. Teen comments should be met with a united front of “don’t speak to me/ your mum like that please”.

Yes, absolutely this! I’m sorry you were made to feel rubbish about having fun.

If neighbours could hear the noise then it was totally out of order. If the property is 4 miles from the nearest neighbour then it's fine - not that I drink - I think you can be very happy never drinking

I am an introvert who rarely drinks, finds drunks boring & hates parties @Itsalonghaul and even I find your DH and DCs to be judgemental and unfair.

As for the sanctimummies on here - the only hobbies they seem to indulge are clutching their pearls, hoiking their judgy pants and giving lectures. I would ignore their input entirely as flagellating you for daring to be an individual gets them weirdly frothing.

It sounds like you have had a rough time over lockdown and your selfish family should have been glad to see you be happy for an afternoon instead of being sanctimonious bullies.

Your kids may grow out of it but your husband may well get worse.

If he’s already got form for getting at you when you are out with friends he doesn’t like, get firm very fast on that.
He already is using shame via your kids to keep you in the box he thinks you should be in.

@Itsalonghaul

I do many things with my family that I do not really enjoy. We play tons of board games, they like quizzes (I am rubbish at them) I have stood supporting them on wet freezing sporting fields more times than I can list, I have driven them and down the country for fixtures and competitions. I have spent every afternoon/evening of the lockdown cooking, baking, making every smoothie known to man, making pots and candles and I have spent hours coming up with lovely ideas for family time. They have all enjoyed not having to do anywhere or see anyone, and I understand for them this is a great thing.

I lost a friend in the summer, it was big loss for me. Massive. So it has taken a while to get over it. If I want to enjoy one sunny afternoon with my family celebrating the end of the lockdown, I will.
I am sorry this is the end of hibernation, and I can see that not everyone welcomes a return to normality and that is understandable but for me it can't come a minute too soon!

Are your family aware of all this? Because if they aren't, maybe it's time they were. And then have a good honest chat about how to handle the next social occasion. Because it sounds like you need it more than they do, and there will be a way to handle that, but first everyone needs to understand how each other feels.

The lost filter comment was about my niece, she has lost 31/2 stone over lockdown and is so proud of it, I said how well she had done (she was obese) and now looks so fit and well. DD said I should not mentioning anything about weight at all and lost my filter about what is appropriate. DD has a good friend with AN so maybe she is being extra concerned about anything like this.

Who are the in laws-are they your side of the family or DH’s, @Itsalonghaul?

Can you just drive on your own next time and leave your DH with the kids? It doesn’t sound like any of them enjoyed it?

Don’t take them next time. With regard to yesterday, I would not put up with any comments like that. I won’t be ganged up on by mine in that way. One time was enough and I made it clear that the eldest could sing for his uni money if he didn’t apologise. We share the contribution and DH can’t afford it on his own. I make sure mine know what I bring to the household after a couple of patronising comments a few years back about my lack of tech knowledge etc that DH and DC were laughing about. My eldest is an adult and definitely knows what I expect in terms of respect and I’m training the DC13.

@Itsalonghaul

If laughing too loudly is a mid life crisis, then perhaps I am actually having one. It feels like it today. It is suffocating.

I have been locked up for months, if I laughed to loudly so what?? I am amazed I have even got through this without a breakdown. We have all been under such strain, well everyone except dh and dc that is. I am fed up having no fun in my life.

My word - what sour, unkind people your husband and teens have been to you, sniffing out the happiness you felt in the day.

The last year has been HARD and frightening. All power to you to have got through it with, hopefully, your mental and physical health no worse than it was before. Well done for celebrating the glimpse of the rainbow! Next time leave those fun sponges at home to do whatever it is they want to do instead. 🌹

I can take or leave having wine, and I am always happy to drive when I am out with friends in the evening, I love the company more than the drinking element. But this was the first day out of lockdown after three long months at home every single night, given dh never drinks it is okay to relax and have a few drinks.

I don't think your DH should have spoken to you like that in front of your dc's. Though if they are his mini-me's I suspect that's why he did, so he'd get instant back-up and validation.

Just taking dogs out, but thank you for all of your replies.

I'd honestly leave them at home.

OP,

You sound lovely.
I'm glad you had a nice time.

I certainly would not have tolerated such rudeness from your husband and children.

The cheek of him.
Leave him at home next time and tell him if he ever speaks to you like that again, there will be a row he won't forget in a hurry.
Pompous prick.

As for your children.
Pity about them.
Clearly a bit toolike their father, selfis and pass remarkable.

All that you do for them and your terrible loss last summer and they feel entitled to critique your enjoyment.

Leave the lot of them at home next time.
Have some self respect and put them all in their place.

Tell them when you want THEIR opinion on something you'll ask for it and not speak to you in that way again.

I would be well pissed off at such disrespect.

Leave your husband at home to his misery and see friends on your own.

Tell him you will have a nicer time, as will everyone else witbout his misery dragging people down.

See how HE feels being critiqued in such away.

Have some self respect OP and put the lot of them in their place.

I would leave them as long as there is family or friend nearby who would be around in case of serious emergency

My son is very introverted and we have always spoken to him before we go to parties and made a plan for if he gets bored or overwhelmed, and bring things with us. Yes he needs to make an effort for family but after a few hours it can become really excruciating for him so we need to find a balance.

@billy1966 the children are 13 & 15!!!

I’m really surprised the OP is allowing people to talk about her kids like this.

That’s really harsh.

I really think the biggest thing you need to address if your husband ‘reprimanding’ you in front of the children and allowing them to join in!

It’s ridiculous. You’re an adult and he is your partner not your keeper.

Loving all the sanctimommies on this thread though 🤣🤣

@Itsalonghaul

SIL does not have any immediate neighbours, and the music was like a Spanish guitar summer music - it was not a full on rave or party.

Quick sidestep there OP. from “tipsy, high spirits, music blaring, and having a blast” to what sounds like a soirée in a country garden with subtle guitar music strumming in the background as people chat and mingle.

I found my entire immediate and extended family embarrassing as a teenager and hated family events. Isn’t that just been a teenager!? You have to endure family events until you don’t need to go or you start to enjoy them again (I certainly enjoyed them again as I got to being an older teenager).

Sorry you were made to feel bad for having a nice time OP. I’d have been fuming with them.

Miserable sods! Don't worry OP you did nothing wrong you are allowed to enjoy yourself! Kids always find their parents embarrassing at that age.

It depends on exactly what "lost your filter" means. On the face of it, it sounds like someone completely throwing their inhibitions to the four winds and going for it, which can be extremely tedious for anyone sober to watch.
Or they may just be uptight. Who knows? 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote sauvignonblancplz]@billy1966 the children are 13 & 15!!!

I’m really surprised the OP is allowing people to talk about her kids like this.

That’s really harsh.[/quote]
I agree

Her kids sound amazing frankly, if the worst thing I could say about my teens was they didn't like me being tipsy and loud at parties....