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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

430 replies

Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 11:53

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

OP posts:
Januaryissodull · 05/04/2021 14:32

It's sounds like you just have different ideas on what is fun to your dh and teens.

I'm probably a bit like your dh and teens. Don't like drinking, don't like being around tipsy, noisy people. I'm sure lots would call me a bore or a fun sponge but I just have very different ideas of what is fun. I'd rather go for a bike ride than to a party.

It may be that no one is wrong, just not compatible when it comes to that kind of thing.

worriedatthemoment · 05/04/2021 14:35

I have teenagers 15 & 17 and sometimes they have to come to family things and just suck it up as thats life
Mostly they choose wether to come but just occasionally they have to , we all have to do things we don't want to at timed
I haven't always wanted to stand on the rain on a side of a rugby pitch in the rain in middle of nowhere either
Its called compromisie

thevassal · 05/04/2021 14:35

Like other posters have said - I'm an introvert and there's a difference between that and being a recluse. I would have enjoyed the party you were at! However I would probably have hated it as a teen - there's nothing worse than being around adults (even if they do love you) trying to make awkward conversation.

Personally I would definitely be happy leaving the soon to be 16 year old (probably will be 16 by the time you have the next gathering if they are only a few times a year), yes. Particularly if as you say they are not the sorts to have a wild party, and there's a phone number for someone nearby (neighbour, their friends parent) to call in an emergency. Lots of kids their age tend to go to festivals and things as an end of GCSE celebration, they will legally be old enough to join the army, work a full time job or get pregnant so being left along in their own house for less than a school day would imho be perfectly fine. Up to you if you feel comfortable leaving the 14 year old with them - I probably would after the 16 y/o had been alone once or twice, or would maybe get the 14 y/o to spend most of the day with a friend at their house.

Have no idea what to say about your DH though - I could understand if it was your family and he felt a bit left out as he doesn't have much in common with them and it then could be annoying to see you having fun and a drink (although would still never comment on it as a one off after the year we've had!) but when it's his own family and you're the one making an effort while he's sitting there with a face like a slapped arse? That goes way beyond introversion and into rude and antisocial territory if he can't be bothered to have a chat with his own family whom he hasn't seen for months for a few hours on Easter Sunday!

I agree it would have been rude, and looked bizarre if you'd driven for two hours to get there to leave after only one quick drink. I also don't think there was anything wrong with the comment you made to the relative who'd lost all the weight - sounds like they worked really hard to achieve that and probably took what you said as a huge compliment!

There is nothing wrong with preferring your own company but people at all stages of the social spectrum should understand that neither is inherently better than the other - sounds like you've grasped this but your family still need to. Think you probably need to have a bit of a quiet word with your DC because at some point they are going to come into contact with people who are a bit more extroverted and won't appreciate being judged and looked down on for that. No idea what to say about your DH though, he sounds miserable and judgy!

Templetreebalm · 05/04/2021 14:37

@Januaryissodull

It's sounds like you just have different ideas on what is fun to your dh and teens.

I'm probably a bit like your dh and teens. Don't like drinking, don't like being around tipsy, noisy people. I'm sure lots would call me a bore or a fun sponge but I just have very different ideas of what is fun. I'd rather go for a bike ride than to a party.

It may be that no one is wrong, just not compatible when it comes to that kind of thing.

I agree with this. Sounds like you were drunker than you thought though. Several drinks in 3.5 hours ? I really dislike being around drunk people, they tend to be obnoxious and think they are funny
MitheringSunday · 05/04/2021 14:38

I'm surprised more people haven't picked up on the h's dislike for OP's 'loud' friends and his doing no wrong in the teens' eyes. It sounds as if there's more to this dynamic than introverts vs extroverts.

OP, I'd be limiting the smoothie-making etc tbh.

Januaryissodull · 05/04/2021 14:39

Were your dh and teens criticising sil for her loud, tipsy behaviour? Or just you?

Was it just a case of them hating the whole thing or were they getting at you?

1forAll74 · 05/04/2021 14:40

You should always leave the non party types at home. If they are this way inclined, they will be bored and fed up with all the noise and drinking etc, and usually, drinking people at parties end up talking a load of rubbish,and losing all their inhibitions. Nothing wrong with this, but annoying for others.

Templetreebalm · 05/04/2021 14:42

@1forAll74

You should always leave the non party types at home. If they are this way inclined, they will be bored and fed up with all the noise and drinking etc, and usually, drinking people at parties end up talking a load of rubbish,and losing all their inhibitions. Nothing wrong with this, but annoying for others.
It was an Easter lunch invite not an all inclusive to Ibiza !

Plenty of people enjoy a family easter lunch without turning it onto a knees up.

Travis1 · 05/04/2021 14:42

@Sugarintheplum of course it’s the drink that’s depressed her and not her family members having a go at her eh? Can’t possibly have fun now can we 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

VerityWibbleWobble · 05/04/2021 14:45

It was an Easter lunch invite not an all inclusive to Ibiza !

😂😂😂

TheJerkStore · 05/04/2021 14:45

I'm surprised more people haven't picked up on the h's dislike for OP's 'loud' friends and his doing no wrong in the teens' eyes. It sounds as if there's more to this dynamic than introverts vs extroverts.

This!

HarryPotterGeek983 · 05/04/2021 14:47

Hi, need your advice for a name; Pheobe or Libra?

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 14:48

@HarryPotterGeek983

Hi, need your advice for a name; Pheobe or Libra?
Neither.
Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:48

We live rurally so although we do have neighbours we don' have many, and I am not sure they will definitely be in etc.
It does feel quite worrying leaving them all day and being so far away. We do have friends around the village, but all were out visiting family the same as us, so not around. I leave them usually for half a day perhaps and I would not be very far away.

They are sensible dc, but all day 150 miles away didn't feel right for us.

Several drinks in 3.5 hours ? I am not sure where you got several drinks from!!!! Grin I had two small glasses of wine and an English sparkling wine at the beginning that was topped up once! I did not have several drinks! I am game for a few drinks but would be incapable of standing up with that much....even Gloria Gaynor would have been beyond me.

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 05/04/2021 14:52

I’ll be honest, even as an adult I used to avoid any situation where my mother might have even the tiniest amount of booze because it would make her lose her inhibitions. I’m talking giggly on one white wine spritzer. If you’re that much more of an introvert than the rest of your family, you should arrange for them to go home earlier.

VerityWibbleWobble · 05/04/2021 14:53

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

This is where we got the idea you'd had several.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:53

To be fair I do think I saw my moment for fun and took it. SIL and BIL as good company as they are, we usually have sedate lunches. They are committed christians not known for their all night parties or anything, quite the opposite, and the fact they were having a few drinks was more of the surprise! And I realised they were really happy to see the end of the lockdown, it has been really hard for some people. SIL particularly was looking forward to it all week and messaging every day.

It was about as far away from an Ibiza scene as you can possibly imagine Grin

OP posts:
ZiggyBaby · 05/04/2021 14:53

I'd tell them all to piss right off! Killjoys.

billy1966 · 05/04/2021 14:54

I wouldn't thinking leaving teens that young would be an option but you could leave your husband with them and head off yourself.

They all sound extremely selfish and intolerant.

Your first family social event in months and they had to have a go at you for your enjoyment.

Indeed sometimes teens may not be pushed about goi g to family events, but they suck it up and get on with it, particularly when they are only couple of times a year.

I think your husband and your children were very rude.
Flowers

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:55

*My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

This is where we got the idea you'd had several.

It says a 'few' - not wishing to pick over every last word, but nowhere does it say several, because that would be a lie. No one to my knowledge had several drinks of anything.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 14:56

To be fair I do think I saw my moment for fun and took it
See, it still sounds like you were really having a rave, yet you insist you only had one glass. What exactly does your "fun" look like?

powershowerforanhour · 05/04/2021 14:58

It was a family day out and it sounds like you enjoyed yourself at the expense of the others.

ALERTALERTALERT**
Wife and mother prioitises own happiness for an afternoon

Hang your head in shame OP, then get back in the kitchen. Quietly.

VerityWibbleWobble · 05/04/2021 14:59

Op half of this thread could've been avoided by setting the scene properly from the start.

Your opening post painted a picture in my head of some hideous garden affair accompanied by loud dance music and pissed people, rather like the all inclusive Ibiza comment above.

After an extensive drip feed it now sounds a much more sedate affair when you piece together the bits of info from each subsequent post.

ZiggyBaby · 05/04/2021 14:59

@powershowerforanhour

It was a family day out and it sounds like you enjoyed yourself at the expense of the others.

ALERTALERTALERT**
Wife and mother prioitises own happiness for an afternoon

Hang your head in shame OP, then get back in the kitchen. Quietly.

Yes - how dare you, OP! You're a mother now; no fun allowed.
MummBraTheEverLeaking · 05/04/2021 14:59

Exactly @Travis1, no sociable fun when you're a mum. No couple of drinks in the sun cause that means you're no better than a steaming drunk stumbling all over the place. No talking, definitely no compliments on someone's weight loss that they have worked on and are proud about because apparently that's showing yourself up and talking out of line. No laughing either, a gentle titter if you really must otherwise you're just embarrassing yourself. Sit politely, sip your water, behave yourself, make your excuses early and don't forget to flagellate yourself on the way home if your DH and kids decide you've put a foot out of line.

I mean, unless you're a knitting, baking, teetotal, wholesome activities only fun sponge martyr to your husband and kids, are you even a mum? Grin

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