Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

[Itsalonghaul]

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

I'd have hated this afternoon too.
We have been living a strange introverted life for months an we can't all emerge like social butterflies.
Being thrust into this party atmosphere with people I hadn't spent time with for a long time would have had me feeling very uncomfortable- more so if they'd obviously been drinking and spirits were high.
I bet the minutes felt like hours as they watched you drinking and prayed that you weren't going to go overboard and start embarrassing them.
Sitting there being dragged into the conversation must have been excruciating.

Would you have had such a fantastic time without the booze?

@MaudesMum

Please don't tar all the introverts with the same brush! I'm very much an introvert, but last summer, after lockdown, I went to several outdoor lunches - where groups of friends/relatives who hadn't seen each other in real life for ages met together. And, we all talked and laughed lots! Sometimes drink was taken, but sometimes because of driving it wasn't, but it didn't seem to affect the amount of talking and laughing. And, I found it glorious and wouldn't have missed it for the world - I may not have participated as much as some of the more extrovert characters, and I may have needed to go home to recharge my batteries afterward, but being around people I'd missed was absolutely brilliant. Can't wait to do it all again this year.

I don’t think anyone is painting all introverts with the same brush. I’m certainly not. Your visits sound lovely and fun, and have obviously given you great memories. There is a huge difference between being an introvert and a joyless shut in.

Most of us are somewhere on the spectrum of comfortable social interaction and manage to rub along just fine without demeaning each other.

See DH is very quiet and an introvert. He would have found this excruciating. Actually physically excruciating. He’s also quite healthy and doesn’t drink a lot (in fairness neither do I). But he would never tell me to modify my behaviour. And if my kids (they are younger than yours) ever commented like this, he would have torn strips off them. The idea that the woman has to be demure and modest is quite disturbing.

That the OP’s DH makes snarky comments when she’s out with friends and driving so not drinking suggests that this isn’t about the drink.

Could both of you be a bit right? Perhaps they have been in lockdown so long that they've become more sensitive to social noise. And perhaps you've been on lockdown so long that you've forgotten what too loud is.
I think we're all going to need time to reset our social filters.

Would you have had such a fantastic time without the booze?
This is a pertinent question?
Are you normally Loud or does your personality change with alcohol?

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Itsalonghaul* I cried every Friday and Saturday night as I added up the lost evenings.* lost of evening of being unable to get drunk with family and friends? Those evenings were not lost! There are many things you could have done.

My family has been shielding the entire year with no breaks on consultants advice, and unable to spend anytime with anyone other than my dc and dh. Yes I have missed people but we have taken the opportunity to enjoy quality time as a family, game nights, movie nights. Late night trips to Costa drive through with different children and a blanket.
Most of my children have disabilities as do I do. life is very fully with meeting their needs.
Many thousands of people have spent countless evenings crying from bereavement or job losses , worrying they will loose their homes. You really need to get a sense of prospective and be thankful for what you do have.[/quote]
You're either playing misery too trumps here (which is pointless as there will always be someone worse off) or you're trying to lecture op on how she should feel. Both are a bit shitty.

You often pop up on different threads being a sanctimonious parent. Is that one of these hobbies you talk of?

Hmm i don’t know really. I initially thought they sound unfair however describing them as “boring”

At no point have I ever said that, and at no point would I ever say that about my children, to be clear.

My dc are very interesting and lovely people. They have definite views that are unshakable right now on animal rights and alcohol and all sorts, but I respect of their views, and always have done.

I think there is a chance they found it dull and boring after a while, but they only have to endure family get togethers a handful of times a year. I used to sit through it every weekend without fail as my mother would drink endless cups of tea with my grandmother. I don't think I am being unkind to suggest that it is nice to see their family every now and then. They are really loved by both sides of the family.

you dh sounds miserable doesnt even want to have fun with his own sister

i just wouldnt take any of them anywhere theyre just not enjoying it and ruining it for you

Sometimes I think ‘why does Mumsnet have a bad reputation?’ and then I read replies like this and realise why. One Easter meal and few drinks in a garden and OP is an alcoholic mess going through a midlife crisis who needs to sit the fuck down and get a hobby (presumably one that revolves around her kids and husband ).

OP, I don’t want to insult your family. It’s great your kids are into their health and sports, my younger cousins (15 and 17) are exactly the same but I’d definitely want to cool it with the family pile-on simply because it’s not their thing. I also think @ElBandito made some really good points.

Not every event has to suit all family members every time. Sometimes it is just a question of saying well that's a few hours I won't get back but I'm glad they had a good time.

Hope you had a great time, bugger the rest of them

The reason why the dc come at all really is because it is a two hour drive there, plus lunch and a two hour drive back. So we are out for most of the day. Youngest dd is soon to be 14 but still only 13, eldest dd is 15 about to be 16 in July.

So I feel it is too long to leave them.....
If there is traffic it could be that we are out for 9/10 hours much too long being so far away from them.

Also I wish I lived next door to all of you who are SO concerned about OP’s SIL neighbours. Maybe I’m just unlucky but in 12 years of adulthood I’ve never lived next door to anyone who was quiet 24/7 365 days of the year.

Obviously if they are older I would! Happily!

I'm totally on your side OP. My kids are adults now and have left home but I'm sure I embarrassed them sometimes but they didn't gang up on me.

I bet your DH would love you to sit at home in the kitchen with your pinny on being available for cooking and running the DC about.

I would have read the riot act to mine if they spoke to me like that. Your DH is very wrong to encourage them in this behaviour.

Could the kids have got a film on? We’re there any garden activities for them, games etc for a bit of balance?
I think they’ve just had a crap time tbh your husband sounds difficult but I do feel bad for the kids. That’s a long day .

Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter'

Tell them that you are making up for all the times they embarrassed you when they were younger!

Seriously though you are not unreasonable. It's been a bloody long lockdown and everyone is allowed to let their hair down. They (all three of them) have no right to tell you off.

No garden activities, but I doubt they would have played with them. They have outgrown that stage. We had a game with us, but they didn't want to play it when I asked. They were happy to chat to everyone and eat the crisps I think they would have been embarrassed to be involved with a game when everyone was standing around and talking. I also let them decide, and am not want to 'force' games on them, as it usually has a very chilling effect. We are out of practice, haven't been out to anyone's house forever, perhaps I should packed more for them.

If they are quite close do you think SIL could have said something/made a comment to your DH about you being loud his prompted him to say that?

Does sound cringeworthy

I think teenagers are fine to be left alone for the day - just tell them to make themselves a sandwich when they get hungry. I mean if you were both working all day what would you do then? You'd have to leave them. Mine has asd (14 now) and I leave him for a good chunk of the day. Unless they argue and fight I'd leave them next time. It's pretty standard for teenagers to be embarrassed by their parents though, it's a part of separating themselves from you and par for the course IMO x

I think you're all massively over-reacting

It does sound like a fairly shit day for teenagers and an introverted adult, with a long drive either side a party they were not expecting and didn't enjoy. But, they should not have given you grief.

But now you are being really judgemental back at them and resenting them, which isn't very nice either.

Can't you all just let it go? Chalk it up to mismatched expectations and don't bring the teens next time.

If they come again, and I am not sure how I can not take them given the distance and the length of time I would have to leave them for.

Maybe we will all agree on a finish time, and we can take some stuff for them to do. The garden was too small for a ball game or rounders or anything. It is just a small patch of grass, so we are quite limited. But I can think about how it could be better for them next time. Usually we see them at christmas, so it is so much easier with christmas games and presents.
Or sometimes we see them for a BBQ with many more people so they tend to have many different people to chat to, and we are there with my side of the family too.

Nearly 14 and 16? They're fine to be left alone all day I think. What do you do in the holidays if you're both out at work?