Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

[Itsalonghaul]

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

Did I address you personally, Lass? No, I didn't. Not missing your point because my post wasn't directed at your in particular . How bizarre, to assume some random internet sprite is talking about you without your being personally referenced.

OP, they don't like going out. You do. Leave them at home next time.

I can see a lot of people here, including the Op, think it is ok to go out have fun and drink a lot of alcohol. Which it is.

What isn't ok is to drag along your DH and DCs if this isn't their scene. That is selfish. Go on your own next time.

I have just had a chat with dc outside. It turns out that they just don't like family events anymore full stop. It was fun when they were younger, less so now. I asked them if I said anything that made them uncomfortable and they said no, but they would prefer to leave after an hour and a half or something like that. It was enough after an hour.

I did ask dh why loud, and he said he found the whole thing loud, not just me. I think we have had a very quiet lockdown where we live, and anywhere is loud compared to where we live and our house. We have agreed that they will only come for the christmas gathering, they like that one apparently. We will do the summer one here sometimes, and they can be involved as they want to be then - or not.

I probably need to move the SIL and BIL 'family' get togethers to just adults only, but SIL loves all of the dc being around, but I wonder how her dc feel? Do they want to be there? Maybe it is time for a change.

They did say very sweetly that they wouldn't change me for the world, even if I am embarrassing, apparently I am good kind of embarrassing most of the time. I have made it clear I don't want to change, in the same way I would never expect them to change for me. We are all different.

Thank you for your replies. I didn't want to make an introvert V extrovert thing and I am really glad it didn't go that way.

@Jaxhog

I can see a lot of people here, including the Op, think it is ok to go out have fun and drink a lot of alcohol. Which it is.

What isn't ok is to drag along your DH and DCs if this isn't their scene. That is selfish. Go on your own next time.

How do you know they didn't want to go?

Well, there you go. Leave them at home.

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

Did I address you personally, Lass? No, I didn't. Not missing your point because my post wasn't directed at your in particular . How bizarre, to assume some random internet sprite is talking about you without your being personally referenced.

OP, they don't like going out. You do. Leave them at home next time.

I forgot my user name and thought you were calling me “lass”! Which made me shudder!

Relieved to see linked to my username!

Maybe as you are genuinely friends with a relative the lines have become blurred? Your afternoon sounds like an afternoon with adult pals rather than a family event and due to the personalities of those involved it doesn’t really work having this type of meet up billed as a family party? My young teens vanish when my friends come over and drink wine in the garden.

Hi OP I’ve read all your updates and I can’t see where you have done anything wrong at all in this situation. Your OP did imply perhaps a more loud drunken affair but from updates it’s obvious just a few drinks in garden and Easter meal with laughs and catch up.

Whether you could leave teens at home (and I personally wouldn’t for that distance) isn’t relevant because it was a family catch up after a long time of not seeing family. I think it’s okay to make them go along even if it’s not entirely their scene. As you said aunts cousins chatted to them just fine and they do need to learn how to be social or be in social situations even if they’d prefer not to (I’m introvert and socially awkward but as an adult you can’t just ignore social occasions whether for family or work so you do need to learn how to cope with these).

Your DH shouldn’t be critical of you in front of the DC. I actually don’t see what he had to be critical off anyway. After all it was his family you were visiting and you did nothing inappropriate.

You teens are quite young teens still and are clearly sporty and healthy living. The don’t have a right to judge you for having a small drink and a nice time with family to celebrate the end of lockdown together.

Your post actually made me feel sorry for my own DM. I was very much a quite teen and hated any attention. My mum was more chatty and friendly and yes loud (voice and laugh). I remember coming back from family events and complaining about her and then my DF joining in. We loved her so much but actually we must have made her feel awful just because she laughed or said something we wouldn’t have (and nothing bad just “oh why did you say that” very much like you described with you mentioning your nieces weight loss and your DD saying it wasn’t appropriate). I was embarrassed at the time. Now I’m older I can actually see my mum didn’t have much confidence herself in social situations (and perhaps over talked and laughed was her way of coping with that). So there she was trying to enjoy herself and cope with her own self confidence and there I was a teen criticising her all the time!

I do think your family need to appreciate that you aren’t an introvert like them. This comes from your DH first and foremost. He needs to respect your need for social contact. Once he’s respecting you your children will follow suit. That doesn’t mean he needs to come to everything you go to but I think an Easter Sunday family (his sister!) meal and garden drinks is an event he should be attending!! I’ve no doubt it wasn’t 100% fun and games for him and the DC but that’s life and they should be able to cope with one day where it’s not totally about them.

I think it’s quite sad they you mentioned in prior post that you go out and feel like “yourself” you should be able to feel that with your immediate family too really.

Don’t apologise to them. Tell them that you missed social interaction and really enjoyed catching up with family yesterday and felt they were all quite rude and mean to be so critical etc.

Oh missed your recent post! That’s wonderful you have all spoken. It’s more a bring back in a social situation that’s troubled them which is understanding.

I personally would still be including them in family get togethers as it doesn’t sound like you have that many. I wouldn’t be leaving after an hour either when you travel so far and your SIL goes to effort of making food etc as that seems quite rude. I think you need to show your children how to cope with social gatherings. This is family but there will be times they are expected to gather socially eg work events etc so they need to know how to cope. With it being family I’d see nothing wrong with them socialising for a while then perhaps they could go a walk together in the area for a breather or take a book to read in a corner of the garden. Family wouldn’t mind that. I don’t think they should be given a free pass to jus never attended family events.

Its sad to go all that way and then have to travel back, basically being told off.

I'm sure I've seen you say that on another thread, that exact same thing, Lassolarry1980?

OP... Are you able to go to these events by yourself as a compromise? It seems that neither your husband nor your children enjoy them and, if they're such a distance (150 miles) then it's difficult to leave in the timescale your family would want to, you wouldn't feel you'd got your money's worth because of the distance so, you could go on your own, stay over the night and travel back the next day or later even?

This isn't to you, OP, but the posters lobbing 'sanctimonious twat' as an insult. There are very few posters saying that the OP did anything wrong at all, there's just a difference in personalities. Calling somebody a 'sanctimonious twat' or similar makes me think you have a drink problem yourself. It's not good or bad to drink alcohol, it's really a non-remarkable event.

Well god forbid anyone might want to enjoy themselves with few drinks with friends, when we’ve all been pretty much confined to our homes for near on 12 months!

Even if the OP did go over the top, so what? If the kids don’t like the thought of drinking, good for them! It doesn’t give them the right to admonish their mum for having a good time. Or anyone on here to do the same for that matter. Bloody hell, Mumsnet is full of ‘holier than thou’ types sometimes!

Music is blaring...

Well if no-one had the self-awareness to realise that this could be annoying for the neighbours I'm inclined to believe it's very plausible that those who were drinking were also a bit loud and racous.

@sadpapercourtesan

Unless you were actually up on the garden table singing Gloria Gaynor with your baps out....they're being sanctimonious arses. Teenagers can be very conservative about their mothers, I find.

Oh this has made me laugh out loud!!

I'm sure I've seen you say that on another thread, that exact same thing, Lassolarry1980?

About alcoholics? Never
About “lass”? Never

Advanced search to your heart content!

3 small glasses of wine over 3.5hrs is very abstentions 🤨

@Anoisagusaris

3 small glasses of wine over 3.5hrs is very abstentions 🤨

I’d be drunk. Properly drunk!! Nothing on me, rarely drink and... lightweight

*abstentious

"There is a huge difference between being an introvert and a joyless shut in"

This stood out for me.
I am an introvert but can still enjoy company. If I know the people well I will join in a bit but if I don't I'm very content to just listen and blend into the background. I to was taken around various aunts of my mother when younger and listened to a lot of adult conversations but would really not have joined in. Tbh I didn't start socialising with friends until my late teens as my DM didn't encourage having friends around.

I think you need a serious conversation op with your DH. Not just about this latest incident but about going forward. He needs to catch himself on with regard to you going out with friends and what about when you DC leave home. Is he going to expect you just to sit there evening after evening not going out. That will be a real test for your relationship without the dc and just the two of you.

*I have just had a chat with dc outside. It turns out that they just don't like family events anymore full stop. It was fun when they were younger, less so now. I asked them if I said anything that made them uncomfortable and they said no, but they would prefer to leave after an hour and a half or something like that. It was enough after an hour.

I did ask dh why loud, and he said he found the whole thing loud, not just me*

So posters, we now have the truth.

@TheWernethWife

*I have just had a chat with dc outside. It turns out that they just don't like family events anymore full stop. It was fun when they were younger, less so now. I asked them if I said anything that made them uncomfortable and they said no, but they would prefer to leave after an hour and a half or something like that. It was enough after an hour.

I did ask dh why loud, and he said he found the whole thing loud, not just me*

So posters, we now have the truth.

Have we? The no filter embarrassment thing seems to have been whitewashed out 😂

@Lassolarry1980

*I'm sure I've seen you say that on another thread, that exact same thing, Lassolarry1980?*

About alcoholics? Never
About “lass”? Never

Advanced search to your heart content!

Honestly, I'm not going nuts, I'm convinced I've seen it! It's a deja vu thing...

Yes it is, but not if she's laughing because she's had alcohol, which is the case here.

@Frogartist I am actually, truly hope you're joking.

We do an annual family thing in the summer. There are 2 late teen dc between us. They are introverted and literally appear for the food then disappear again. They’d hate travelling away from their house and being forced to socialise. Leave yours at home next time.

This thread is hilarious. I can tell that non of the sanctimonious posters have a Mancunian mother who used to dance on tables with her friends in packed pubs.

I have three DC, including two teenagers, the last time we had friends over pre lockdown I got so pissed on margaritas that I was singing the Frasier theme tune with my laughing 17 yo DS.

Your DH and your DCs need to lighten up massively.
I love a board game and bike ride and I have a very worthy and demanding job but I love getting shit faced too.