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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

430 replies

Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 11:53

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

OP posts:
CaraherEIL · 05/04/2021 16:54

I think if your husband felt you were too loud then it’s something he could have mentioned privately not in front of the children who have then joined in and they have all ganged up and put a massive downer on your first social event in months. I think he has behaved like a sanctimonious knob end. I would address him making any personal comments about your behaviour in front of the children. I would also speak to your teenagers about using their own filters to deal with their rudeness towards you. The ganging up to make someone feel small and embarassed is shitty behaviour. I think if you haven’t been rude or hurtful they all need to shut the fuck up. Your husband needs to show some more maturity.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 16:57

Even they don't think I embarrassed myself, they are not saying that I did merely my laughter was 'loud' and we stayed too long.

But just supposing I did make an absolute tit of myself, for the sake of debate. We have had the worst situation evolve with the pandemic, we have had so much stress to contend with, if the worst thing I did in that time (among the millions of very kind things I have done for everyone) is have a few drinks and embarrass myself. Well it is not the end of the world? Are we so intolerant that we can't bear for people to behave in any other way than perfectly at all times? It is that level of intolerance and closing down that worries me. SIL had a fair bit to drink and I thought good on her, she is releasing all of the pressure and worry that has built up over the past year. No one got hurt, no one was offended or embarrassed. It is so harmless, and yet so many seem horrified by having a few drinks in the afternoon on Easter Sunday.

I can only imagine some posters lived with alcoholic parents and have difficulties around the subject, and that is entirely understandable, but that is not the case.

I behaved as I always do with decorum and dignity, and I am not going to be berated for wanting to stay as long as possible in the sunshine with people that I love and care for, that I have missed tremendously. And yes if that means teens grizzling a little because they are bored, well never mind, because I have supported and loved them every minute of every day for 15 years and ask very little from them, it was one afternoon of light hearted fun on a sunny day should not be an issue for anyone.

OP posts:
TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 16:57

There's more projecting on this thread than the fucking Lovell scope.

Limalama · 05/04/2021 16:58

Have you told them how you feel OP?

skodadoda · 05/04/2021 16:58

@Itsalonghaul

OP, it’s a form of controlling, albeit not appearing abusive. I wish I had put a stop to it much sooner.

How did you do that?
Dh is quite traditional, very traditional. Most of the time it doesn't matter because we are at home cooking, walking the dogs and out in the garden etc. But sometimes our differences show, and it is always in a social situation, because he doesn't enjoy them and I do. We usually compromise, and it is fine. I tend to see my friends and he enjoys being at home, and we do a few things together with joint friends occasionally. I understand it isn't his favourite thing and that is okay. The lockdown has allowed for him to avoid it all for such a long time, and he is reluctant to give it up now, and yesterday was a stark reminder of that.

I think by just moving away from a tendency to be the ‘quiet little wifey’ and asserting that we’re a partnership. He’s basically a very kind man and I was able to tell him to not treat me as a child. I also found, as I think many women do, that I’ve grown in confidence as I’ve got older, and less inclined to worry that I might displease him. Also, don’t give a flying fig what people think of me 😂
StellaAndCrow · 05/04/2021 16:59

Crikey, how times have changed, that teens see drinking alcohol as "sad"! Whatever happened to drinking Hooch in the park? :)

SecretSpAD · 05/04/2021 16:59

So Mums can't drink or laugh anymore.
What are we allowed to do?

Crafts and messy play of course Grin

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/04/2021 17:03

@StellaAndCrow

Crikey, how times have changed, that teens see drinking alcohol as "sad"! Whatever happened to drinking Hooch in the park? :)
I think it’s a good thing, alcohol isn’t good for the body/health.
Anoisagusaris · 05/04/2021 17:07

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss So presumably your username is based on things you never consume?

ExhaustedFlamingo · 05/04/2021 17:07

Loving the tolerance on this thread.

None of us were there and have any idea whether the OP was genuinely loud and awful. Also, if everyone else is “tipsy” and enjoying “a few drinks” it can be excruciating if you’re stone cold sober. Quadruple that if you’re naturally an introvert. But maybe the OP was genuinely perfectly fine and just being sociable. We don’t know.

Maybe the DH and DC are boring and “pious” and total killjoys. Maybe they suck the fun out of everything. Or maybe the OP was loud, drunk and annoying and they were stuck in a situation they felt acutely uncomfortable in.

Probably the truth was somewhere in the middle. OP, an extrovert, was giddy with excitement and just so relieved so be able to mix, chat and let her hair down. Teens are always embarrassed by their parents. And couple this with a mum who’s being a bit OTT, it’s the perfect nightmare.

I’m glad OP had fun but her insistence that she’s dealt with lockdown stoically is contradicted by the fact she “cried every Friday and Saturday night”.

Not liking a loud, boozy afternoon does not make you a boring bastard.

Enjoying a loud, boozy afternoon does not make you an embarrassing drunk.

We are all different. We have different limits and are at our happiest in different environments. Neither is wrong.

I would say generally I’m the extrovert in this scenario but the OP’s insistence of just how much amazing FUN she is makes me have some sympathy for the DH and kids. But I would say that commenting on your behaviour in front of the DC, knowing they will pile on too, isn’t ok. Even if he’s fuming with you, he needs to have a private conversation with you away from DC’s ears.

SunshineCake · 05/04/2021 17:08

None of them have the right to tell you off. Cheeky buggers. I'd be shutting that down right now. Kids and dh ganging up against you is not on.

ZiggyBaby · 05/04/2021 17:08

I think it’s a good thing, alcohol isn’t good for the body/health

You must be the biggest killjoy on this website

emilyfrost · 05/04/2021 17:15

I behaved as I always do with decorum and dignity

Not if you were loud and drinking you didn’t.

Lassolarry1980 · 05/04/2021 17:19

It is not projecting to suggest that when I comes to drink

Many many many people have experience of seeing family and friends with drink issues behave in a way that reflects fact they have a problem, and the experience of hearing them argue until they’re blue in the face that “they were just having fun”

Hence not an automatic acceptance of the OP’s version of events

LoudestCat14 · 05/04/2021 17:21

@MyDcAreMarvel

How horrible for your teens , you clearly were drunk and embarrassing yourself and them. Have your midlife crisis in your own time. If you have to get drunk and humiliate your children to enjoy life maybe think about a hobby.
Are you one of her teenagers? Get over yourself, PC Fun Police. OP was just having fun catching up with family after a long, shitty year. She did nothing wrong.
GreyGirlAbove · 05/04/2021 17:22

Op, your husband shouldn’t have said that in front of your children. You were having fun, they weren’t, they’ll get over it.

Lassolarry1980 · 05/04/2021 17:22

* But just supposing I did make an absolute tit of myself, for the sake of debate. We have had the worst situation evolve with the pandemic, we have had so much stress to contend with, if the worst thing I did in that time (among the millions of very kind things I have done for everyone) is have a few drinks and embarrass myself. Well it is not the end of the world? *

Love the fact that covid is going to be used as an explanation for pretty much anything for likely years!Grin

LoudestCat14 · 05/04/2021 17:22

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

There's more projecting on this thread than the fucking Lovell scope.
😂
GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 17:24

Decorum and dignity doesn't really jibe with your entire family being embarrassed at your antics and your own admission that you grabbed your chance to have some fun.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 17:25

So now the OP has/is: an alcoholic, humiliates her family, was an 'embarrassing drunk', etc etc

Just leave them at home next time, OP. It's fine.

Crosstrainer · 05/04/2021 17:26

When I first read the OP, I thought - “Ha - I bet the kids’ take on it would be different”. Because often when you hear of people saying “they were just having a laugh and a few drinks”, they may well have appeared loud and tedious to others.

BUT - having read the OP’s updates, this doesn’t sound like anything more than a fun, much anticipated (by the OP and her SIL) family lunch. The kids find it boring at their aunt’s house? Sorry, tough. It’s a family get together and they’re part of that family. The OP enjoyed a few glasses of wine? Well, she’s over 18 and not driving. Not unreasonable at all. And as to the “no filter” comment to the niece - by the sound of it, she’s much loved by the OP. The OP is presumably best placed to know whether her DN would like the compliment or prefer for it not to be mentioned. But if she’s made the effort to lose stones in weight, then I’d have thought it would be rather strange not to mention it at all.

sonjadog · 05/04/2021 17:32

Your kids sound a bit like my cousins were when about the same age. Lovely kids, but with a strong sanctimonious streak when it came to drinking and parties and the "idiots" who enjoyed them. They were hard work sometimes. Fortunately as they grew up they also grew out of it and while they still don't drink or go to parties very often, they accept that others do enjoy them and that it isn't a sign of a personal failing!

iolaus · 05/04/2021 17:35

In all honesty both of you have a slight point

If everyone else in the car, including the driver, wanted to leave earlier then really I think you should have (however I suspect they didn't mention that they wanted to leave until you were in the car on the way home - so in which case you had no way of knowing) - for someone introverted and non drinking when everyone else is 3 and a half hours can be a LONG time (especially if they haven't done it for a long time)

You said others were already tipsy when you got there so even if you weren't at the drunk stage I expect some were - also if your inlaws are anything like mine because FIL tends to top your glass up before you get near the bottom of it it's really easy to drink a LOT more than you realise (and alcohol and sun can hit you harder than normal - couple that with not drinking for a while and excitement at being with other people and it's not really surprising you were appearing 'drunker' than you may have been (this is from your children's perspective)

However you are entitled to have fun and the majority of the people at the gathering seem to have been in your frame of mind

Basically you didn't do anything wrong but in the interest of family harmony it may be worth setting a time scale and also saying to the kids that it's ok if they leave for a while and go for a walk - if they are introverts it'll give them some recharge time. I know last time we got together with my inlaws and a lot of alcohol was involved (DH's grandmother's 80th and us, SIL her husband FIL and his wife stayed in the masonic lodge afterwards drinking and chatting and catching up - the 5 teens asked if they could go out after an hour or so

Lassolarry1980 · 05/04/2021 17:35

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

So now the OP has/is: an alcoholic, humiliates her family, was an 'embarrassing drunk', etc etc

Just leave them at home next time, OP. It's fine.

Bloody hell - you completely miss the point.

I am not assuming the OP is anything

My point is - when the scenario presented is one person saying they were just having fun with someone they have described as being very merry and three people expressing embarrassment at drunk behaviour.... I don’t just accept the former’s at face value.

Because I have had much experience of seeing a family member very very drunk at family parties.... but point blank denying that anything awry and that they were just “having fun”

And many many others have had similar experiences

Hence not just automatically presuming the dh and teens are unfair Boring killjoys

AliceMadHatter · 05/04/2021 17:37

@Lassolarry1980

How can anyone take this seriously?

It’s not like the OP is an evenly objective party in all this

I have NO idea whether or not she embarrassed herself

All I know is that my mother. An alcoholic. Would have sworn blind and written articulately why her family were being kill joys.
When in actually fact - it was devastating to witness

This is not about your Mother.