Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

430 replies

Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 11:53

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

OP posts:
SatsumaFan · 05/04/2021 15:22

@skodadoda

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if it’s already been said. I’m in my 70s, been married 50 years. DH was always inclined to ‘disapprove’ if I was ‘loud’ or ‘laughing too much’. I’m (much) older and wiser now. OP, it’s a form of controlling, albeit not appearing abusive. I wish I had put a stop to it much sooner. It made me wary of accepting invitations from my friends. You’re entitled to be your own person.
I have to agree I'm afraid. Shaming you for being you and having fun, laughing out loud (shock), drinking a few or maybe even - wait for it - several (!!!) drinks with family and friends... It does sound controlling. Maybe your dh is hoping you'll do it less if you wake up the day after and feel so sad and cross you have to ask on MN about it?

Anyway 900+ posts atm and my screen is saying 86% YANBU so it was definitely dh in the wrong.

Teens are a law unto themselves and aren't the issue here I feel.

And what's with people saying you're back pedalling?! You're not. There's not much difference between a few or several drinks and quite frankly it's none of our fucking business how many glasses of wine you had as a fully grown adult who wasn't driving and isn't pregnant etc!

Sanctimonious twats on here galore.

maddiemookins16mum · 05/04/2021 15:23

@Itsalonghaul

Thank you rupert that is great advice, so many helpful posts thank you.

I have lost a tremendous amount of confidence, and I am coming up for fifty and I suddenly look it, and feel it. I don't have very much in the way of great conversation to talk about to my beautiful and vivacious nieces and nephews because the lockdown has stopped most interesting hobbies and travels.
I felt this keenly when I got there. My hair was hideous, I should have put some proper make up on. My legs were too white and I am sure I spotted a tuft of leg hair I had missed Grin I felt too hot and too cold, and overwhelmed a little with the noise of the music when we first arrived. Shuffling initially trying to SD. Squinting in the sunlight. Stumbling over my words a little at the beginning because I was nervous for some reason. Noticing how old I felt and looked, and hated people taking photos of me. Some of it was really tricky as our first jaunt out into the world again.

I managed to get past all of it, and enjoy it for what it was. To just stand there and gaze at the sky and forget that I was very far from perfect, and that it didn't matter and enjoy the afternoon.

I don't think that should be taken away from me really.

Do you think then that you possibly drank more for confidence? I have been in that position and after several wines that anxiousness disappears.
AlandAnna · 05/04/2021 15:25

@TheWernethWife

I'd speak to my SIL and tell her what you have posted on here.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

Wonder what she would make of that.

Eh?
Limalama · 05/04/2021 15:27

also think about the fact that your teenagers are taking their lead from your DH with regards to socialising. Perhaps they need to be exposed to other ways of approaching the world. Broadening horizons is never a bad thing.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 15:27

maddie I think the feeling of being slightly anxious disappeared after the first glass, so I didn't need to drink a lot. It was just nice to be there. Why not, it is the only chance we have had in so long.

OP posts:
Slackarse · 05/04/2021 15:28

I wonder what attracted your husband to you when you first met, surely you were bubbly back then too. Seems like he is trying to shame you into being like him, when you’re the opposite. I would make this very clear to them all. They can be themselves, but not you? Not cool.

BellyDancer124 · 05/04/2021 15:29

My mother did this from time to time when we were younger and I hated it. Sorry OP but I doubt all 3 of your family would say this if it wasn’t warranted m? Maybe I’m wrong but my mother was very loud and got over excited at family events (speaking over people was her main offence) and it was so embarrassing. She hasn’t changed sadly, it stops me from inviting her to things sometimes as she has such bad manners.

Theunamedcat · 05/04/2021 15:29

Are your teenagers going to university? They might get a shock

Slackarse · 05/04/2021 15:31

From now on, on Friday and Saturday evenlngs, turn the music up, have a glass of wine and ignore them all! They don’t get to decide what you do. Smile

VexedofVirginiaWater · 05/04/2021 15:31

I do many things with my family that I do not really enjoy. We play tons of board games, they like quizzes (I am rubbish at them) I have stood supporting them on wet freezing sporting fields more times than I can list, I have driven them and down the country for fixtures and competitions. I have spent every afternoon/evening of the lockdown cooking, baking, making every smoothie known to man, making pots and candles and I have spent hours coming up with lovely ideas for family time.

I should try telling them this OP. It sounds like it's all one way - and I too am uncomfortable with the fact that your children think the sun shines out of their father's backside whilst finding it ok to pile on and criticise you. That's very judgmental and mean-spirited. In future I should use your filter (when you find it again Wink )to filter out their judginess.

Limalama · 05/04/2021 15:32

I would definitely start carving out your own social life without them. Show them you don't need permission to be yourself. Might be a valuable life lesson for them.

Slackarse · 05/04/2021 15:33

@BellyDancer124 Well op is not your mother, is she. From what she explained it sounded like they all had a great time, well deserved after a shit year.

Sparkletastic · 05/04/2021 15:33

I'd sit down with DH and the DDs and tell them how unacceptable their behaviour was in the car on the way home. And how you will not be shamed for enjoying a much needed and long awaited social event.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/04/2021 15:36

God OP that sounds miserable!! You’ve done nothing wrong, don’t apologise and don’t let them make you feel guilty.

There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert but it is wrong to moan or look down on people who love to socialise and let their hair down. Leave them at home next time.

Limalama · 05/04/2021 15:36

@BellyDancer124 I'd hope you and your family didn't gang up on your mum and bully her the way the OPs did.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/04/2021 15:36

It’s a bummer that both your teens are so introverted! I have one of each Grin

emilyfrost · 05/04/2021 15:37

YABU. If the non-drinkers are telling you that you were loud and showed them up then you did. You drank too much.

You say you “just wanted to have fun”, but why did you need to drink to do that?

ZiggyBaby · 05/04/2021 15:38

@BellyDancer124

My mother did this from time to time when we were younger and I hated it. Sorry OP but I doubt all 3 of your family would say this if it wasn’t warranted m? Maybe I’m wrong but my mother was very loud and got over excited at family events (speaking over people was her main offence) and it was so embarrassing. She hasn’t changed sadly, it stops me from inviting her to things sometimes as she has such bad manners.
You're projecting here. OP isn't your mother.
ZiggyBaby · 05/04/2021 15:39

@emilyfrost

YABU. If the non-drinkers are telling you that you were loud and showed them up then you did. You drank too much.

You say you “just wanted to have fun”, but why did you need to drink to do that?

Because she's a grown adult? And funnily enough, some people do (shock horror) enjoy themselves by having a drink.

Who knew?!

AnnaFiveTowns · 05/04/2021 15:39

Oh God, all these sanctimonious twats. Ignore them. Teenagers get embarrassed by absolutely everything. Leave the miserable bastards at home next time and go on your own (and I say that as someone who very rarely drinks)

TheWernethWife · 05/04/2021 15:46

AlandAnna

Honestly don't know what you are getting at with your eh? - I suggested that OP speaks to her SIL to see if she thinks OP really behaved as bad as DH and DC suggested.

Frogartist · 05/04/2021 15:47

@Limalama

I would definitely start carving out your own social life without them. Show them you don't need permission to be yourself. Might be a valuable life lesson for them.
But the problem wasn't that the OP wasn't "allowed" to be herself. The objection was to her drinking too much alcohol and being loud. Do you think the OP is only herself when she's drunk alcohol?
TheJerkStore · 05/04/2021 15:47

You say you “just wanted to have fun”, but why did you need to drink to do that?

Because some people actually enjoy having a drink. Did you not know that?

SatsumaFan · 05/04/2021 15:48

I feel like adopting the OP. All our family occasions/gatherings involve alcohol, and lots of it, laughing very loudly, jokes that aren't funny to sober people etc and they're great fun!

ZiggyBaby · 05/04/2021 15:52

But the problem wasn't that the OP wasn't "allowed" to be herself. The objection was to her drinking too much alcohol and being loud. Do you think the OP is only herself when she's drunk alcohol?

Well she wasn't allowed to be herself without being criticised by her killjoy family.