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AIBU?

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Original poster

Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

430 replies

Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 11:53

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 14:59

My fun looks like standing in a beautiful spring garden after months of grey and endless winter, with the sunshine warming my skin. The brightest blue skies you can imagine ahead with the sound of my SIL's wind chimes drifting in the breeze. It was a cold glass of wine and a (not allowed) hug and it was absolutely amazing. It felt amazing. It was amazing. It has been so long since I stood somewhere that was not my own garden, or walked in the mud with a friend. There are no words to describe the joy of taking that moment, and enjoying it as much as I could.

OP posts:
Sitchervice · 05/04/2021 15:00

Wow the critics here must be miserable. I find it hilarious that your teens think drinking is for old people when once they turn 18 I suspect they'll have a few drinks themselves...

Back when I was a teen my family used to get to gether have a few drinks bbq hot tub the lot. I used to love it. Never drank but gave no hoots if the - Cough- "oldies" drank. It was a good laugh and I was in better company than my peers.

Ignore the grouchy teens they won't think anything their parents do is cool.

skodadoda · 05/04/2021 15:01

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if it’s already been said. I’m in my 70s, been married 50 years. DH was always inclined to ‘disapprove’ if I was ‘loud’ or ‘laughing too much’. I’m (much) older and wiser now. OP, it’s a form of controlling, albeit not appearing abusive. I wish I had put a stop to it much sooner. It made me wary of accepting invitations from my friends. You’re entitled to be your own person.

Ivy455 · 05/04/2021 15:02

Sounds like you were just having fun although drunk people can seem very obnoxious and annoying yo sober people! I don't think anyone was unreasonable really, you obviously just have different ideas about what fun is. Maybe next time you should go alone?

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 15:02

@Itsalonghaul

My fun looks like standing in a beautiful spring garden after months of grey and endless winter, with the sunshine warming my skin. The brightest blue skies you can imagine ahead with the sound of my SIL's wind chimes drifting in the breeze. It was a cold glass of wine and a (not allowed) hug and it was absolutely amazing. It felt amazing. It was amazing. It has been so long since I stood somewhere that was not my own garden, or walked in the mud with a friend. There are no words to describe the joy of taking that moment, and enjoying it as much as I could.
So where were the"you have no filter" comments coming from?
powershowerforanhour · 05/04/2021 15:02

Also, if the horsey child retains this interest into adulthood and is embarrassed by other people partying and having a few drinks, she's going to spend a large chunk of her life mortified.

S111n20 · 05/04/2021 15:02

You have done nothing wrong and it’s unfair of them to make you feel you have.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 15:03

I have never been to Ibiza or danced the night away somewhere for thirty years or so, I can imagine and hope many will be this summer, and some of them will be god forbid Mums!! Shoot us all now Grin

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 05/04/2021 15:03

where were the"you have no filter" comments coming from?

OP has explained this already.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 05/04/2021 15:04

@GreyhoundG1rl OP mentioned she'd complimented her niece on her lockdown weight loss that the niece herself was proud of. Apparently that meant she had "no filter" and shouldn't have mentioned it, bad taste apparently Confused

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 15:05

@powershowerforanhour

where were the"you have no filter" comments coming from?

OP has explained this already.

I must have missed it; where?
Rupertbeartrousers · 05/04/2021 15:05

It sounds like a lovely occasion and I’m sorry your joy at finally seeing people and letting your hair down a bit has ended up with this.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve found lockdown has really reduced my self confidence and leaves me questioning all the things I do and say, feeling like a terrible person over the smallest things. You don’t need other people doing that for you.

You sound like a lovely mum and I’m sorry to hear about your friend Flowers

Lots of good advice on here:

  1. conversation with dh about not undermining you in from of kids. Also accepting the different roles in your relationship - isn’t it a good thing that you have lots in common with his dsis? Accepting perhaps that there is an inevitable “bull in a China shop” effect when restrictions lift which may have made everyone else at the party a bit over exuberant and come as a shock to your introverted family members, it doesn’t mean anyone has done anything wrong.

  2. strategies for future gatherings - how long to stay etc, even if there is a trade off/bribe for your kids to go along - I wouldn’t be happy being that far away from mine unsupervised either.

  3. planning a lot more social occasions to go to without them, get back in the saddle with socialising and not feeling that you have to cram a years worth of catching up in to 3.5hours.

We all have a lot of readjusting to do Smile

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 15:05

[quote MummBraTheEverLeaking]@GreyhoundG1rl OP mentioned she'd complimented her niece on her lockdown weight loss that the niece herself was proud of. Apparently that meant she had "no filter" and shouldn't have mentioned it, bad taste apparently Confused[/quote]
Oh, I did miss that, sorry.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 15:09

OP, it’s a form of controlling, albeit not appearing abusive. I wish I had put a stop to it much sooner.

How did you do that?
Dh is quite traditional, very traditional. Most of the time it doesn't matter because we are at home cooking, walking the dogs and out in the garden etc. But sometimes our differences show, and it is always in a social situation, because he doesn't enjoy them and I do. We usually compromise, and it is fine. I tend to see my friends and he enjoys being at home, and we do a few things together with joint friends occasionally. I understand it isn't his favourite thing and that is okay. The lockdown has allowed for him to avoid it all for such a long time, and he is reluctant to give it up now, and yesterday was a stark reminder of that.

OP posts:
Templetreebalm · 05/04/2021 15:09

@Itsalonghaul

We live rurally so although we do have neighbours we don' have many, and I am not sure they will definitely be in etc. It does feel quite worrying leaving them all day and being so far away. We do have friends around the village, but all were out visiting family the same as us, so not around. I leave them usually for half a day perhaps and I would not be very far away.

They are sensible dc, but all day 150 miles away didn't feel right for us.

Several drinks in 3.5 hours ? I am not sure where you got several drinks from!!!! Grin I had two small glasses of wine and an English sparkling wine at the beginning that was topped up once! I did not have several drinks! I am game for a few drinks but would be incapable of standing up with that much....even Gloria Gaynor would have been beyond me.

You said a few drinks not 1 or 2 So 4 glasses of wine ?
Templetreebalm · 05/04/2021 15:11

@VerityWibbleWobble

Op half of this thread could've been avoided by setting the scene properly from the start.

Your opening post painted a picture in my head of some hideous garden affair accompanied by loud dance music and pissed people, rather like the all inclusive Ibiza comment above.

After an extensive drip feed it now sounds a much more sedate affair when you piece together the bits of info from each subsequent post.

Exactly! Op is back peddling like mad !
Templetreebalm · 05/04/2021 15:13

The Ibiza comment was in reference to the PP saying leave the non party types at home!
Ie it was an Easter lunch invite so why would they stay at home?

Limalama · 05/04/2021 15:14

I think you are going to face a cross roads in the future with your DH OP. You sound like chalk and cheese, can you imagine doing this for the rest of your life and being looked down on and judged when you are having a good time he doesn't approve of? Not sure I could do it tbh.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 05/04/2021 15:16

@Floralnomad

Nobody is right or wrong but in future leave your children at home otherwise you may find that in the future when they have left home and got families of their own they choose not to socialise with you as you embarrass them .
Jeez. Every teenager is embarrassed by their parents. Most of us manage to get over ourselves as we mature, and don't feel the need to go NC because our mother was once mildly tipsy on a sunny Sunday.
AlandAnna · 05/04/2021 15:17

Hard to say - only hearing one (your) side of the story.

I doubt I’d let my hair down with my sober husband and kids around but that doesn’t mean you should feel bad to have done so if that’s your thing. Shake it off Wine

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 15:17

Thank you rupert that is great advice, so many helpful posts thank you.

I have lost a tremendous amount of confidence, and I am coming up for fifty and I suddenly look it, and feel it. I don't have very much in the way of great conversation to talk about to my beautiful and vivacious nieces and nephews because the lockdown has stopped most interesting hobbies and travels.
I felt this keenly when I got there. My hair was hideous, I should have put some proper make up on. My legs were too white and I am sure I spotted a tuft of leg hair I had missed Grin I felt too hot and too cold, and overwhelmed a little with the noise of the music when we first arrived. Shuffling initially trying to SD. Squinting in the sunlight. Stumbling over my words a little at the beginning because I was nervous for some reason. Noticing how old I felt and looked, and hated people taking photos of me. Some of it was really tricky as our first jaunt out into the world again.

I managed to get past all of it, and enjoy it for what it was. To just stand there and gaze at the sky and forget that I was very far from perfect, and that it didn't matter and enjoy the afternoon.

I don't think that should be taken away from me really.

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 05/04/2021 15:18

I'd speak to my SIL and tell her what you have posted on here.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

Wonder what she would make of that.

randomer · 05/04/2021 15:20

It seems a long way for drinks and nibbles in the garden.

However, I have developed some sort of syndrome whereby I can't leave home. Lonckdownitis.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 15:22

After an extensive drip feed it now sounds a much more sedate affair when you piece together the bits of info from each subsequent post

Well that might be your take on it, but for me it was not Ibiza in July but it might as well have been! It is the closest thing I have got to a party in years. For me it was full on, I appreciate others may not agree. It is subjective. After a lockdown it felt lively, but then anything would after being stuck in this village for over a year - average age is around 78.

OP posts:
TheJerkStore · 05/04/2021 15:22

I managed to get past all of it, and enjoy it for what it was. To just stand there and gaze at the sky and forget that I was very far from perfect, and that it didn't matter and enjoy the afternoon.

I don't think that should be taken away from me really.

It shouldn't. It sounds lovely and you've done nothing wrong.

Your DH sounds very much like my Ex. It was stifling and controlling.