Not to let anyone see our newborn

[Grumpylate20s]

I am wondering whether or not it would be selfish to not let anyone see or have a cuddle with our newborn, my wife is adamant that no one is to see him for at least a couple of months... It's my grans bday soon so I would love for her to see him but she is saying no way.. covid sucks and the immediate family has pretty much been vaccinated but my wife won't be able to get it as she's breastfeeding, so she's worried for her and the baby which I totally understand but to not allow anyone seeing him kinda seems unfair, I dunno what do you think?

Also @Grumpylate20s , please can I gently say... and I mean this kindly... people really aren’t thinking about this as much as you might think they are. They’re showing their enthusiasm to be kind to you, but quite honestly, with the exception of grandparents... most won’t even notice if they don’t see you for the first two months and are quite used to first time mums being nervous.

Please don’t push them away, they just want to be happy for you. From my experience, the perceived pressure is much more likely to be coming from yourselves than from everyone else. Good luck with everything.

Sorry I realise now this is quite an old thread and everything I said has already been said. Doh. Sleep deprived

For what its worth and this might have already been mentioned somewhere my midwife said really don't let anybody hold baby until they Have had their 1st injections then use own discretion.

@Tawnytowel

Also *@Grumpylate20s* , please can I gently say... and I mean this kindly... people really aren’t thinking about this as much as you might think they are. They’re showing their enthusiasm to be kind to you, but quite honestly, with the exception of grandparents... most won’t even notice if they don’t see you for the first two months and are quite used to first time mums being nervous.

Please don’t push them away, they just want to be happy for you. From my experience, the perceived pressure is much more likely to be coming from yourselves than from everyone else. Good luck with everything.

Thats fair enough I guess, however people have physically asked us when can they come over for a cuddle

I had both my babies in ‘normal’ times and hated the whole passing the newborn around stage, when the baby comes back to you smelling like someone else’s perfume 🤮

@Tinydinosaur

Sorry if it came across rude, our baby is very close to being born and I feel her anxiety. I won't be getting vaccinated while I breastfeed. My husband has been super supportive of all my decisions though. At the end of the day, this baby is my life, I've been caring for it for 9 months, I've worried about the movements, or lack of, I've worried about cramps, discharge, I've felt the feet in my ribcage, the use of my bladder as a squeeze toy. I've not drank caffeine, alcohol, I've avoided smokers, I've done everything I can for the past 9 months to protect this baby. When this baby is born, it'll be harder to protect them, I'll have to trust other people with them, it's scary. I would feel even more anxious if I felt like people were trying to pressure me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. I really think you should just support her, her anxiety will be less if she feels like she has control and like you'll back her up.

Also, can you imagine if you convince her to allow it. And she catches covid, and is ill, while having just given birth and having a new baby to look after? You'd feel so guilty, and she'd feel resentful.

It might not be 2 months, she might decide she's comfortable with it in 2 weeks. But she will always resent being pressured. Just focus on her and your baby right now, looking after them, helping her, they're your priority.

This absolutely, couldn't have put it better myself, and I too am very close to giving birth.

Cuddling and see the baby are 2 different things. Allowing people to see the baby at social distance is fine in my opinion but cuddling the baby is off the table.

@Grumpylate20s I understand, I say that to people too but it’s really intended as a show of support. Of course it’s lovely to celebrate the birth of someone’s baby and have a cuddle, but honestly it’s fine if we don’t. You just want them to know that you’re happy for them.

Just a word of caution if this sort of thing is bothering you now, you should be prepared for what will come later. Everyone has opinions and experiences to share on all aspects of raising children, and generally their comments and advice are meant kindly. But in some circumstances new parents, especially new mums, can overreact to it and end up putting pressure on themselves by reading too much into what people say.

Try not to do that, for your own sakes.

One other thing to consider (or a potential challenge if anyone gets too pushy about holding baby) is if your wife has a c-section. A relative of mine arrived to see our newborn with a horrendous cough, midwife happened to be there and asked them to leave, not for baby's sake but mine. I'd an an emergency c section and she said if I caught that cough there was a risk of busting stitches or damaging the muscles that were healing. I know people who've had Covid who said the coughing was one of the worst bits, so I definitely wouldn't wanted to be catching that just after an abdominal operation.

I wonder if in a few years time we will see an increase in asthma, eczema and allergies as we are no longer exposing babies and children to germs and taking notice of adverts which frighten us into spraying everything with disinfectant.
Also if you are not prepared to be vaccinated then are you prepared to stay at home so as not to put the vulnerable at risk (ie those with conditions where the vaccine doesn't work)
As for waiting until first childhood vaccines I don't believe covid is part of the first series yet.

In your original post you mentioned your wife is not allowing anyone to see the baby. In a later post you say actually she's not allowing cuddling and holding - agree with PP that these are very different things. OP's wife shouldn't get all the criticism just because she doesn't want to break the law by not social distancing.

@LifeIsAnArt

In your original post you mentioned your wife is not allowing anyone to see the baby. In a later post you say actually she's not allowing cuddling and holding - agree with PP that these are very different things. OP's wife shouldn't get all the criticism just because she doesn't want to break the law by not social distancing.

Also originally said she won’t be able to get the vaccine because she’s breastfeeding, but then goes onto say she hasn’t been offered it.

In your original post you mentioned your wife is not allowing anyone to see the baby. In a later post you say actually she's not allowing cuddling and holding

Also said wife hadn't had vaccine because breastfeeding and subsequently that she hadn't had it because she hasn't been called yet. They seem to have missed the questions about the age of the baby and any other vulnerabilities.

Since the only visiting allowed at the moment is socially distanced and outdoors its all pretty academic. However ideas about "fair" and 50% each parent's would be better applied to a piizza than a new born and a new mother (which is also why the age of the baby is relevant).

I feel absolutely incensed reading the many many comments here suggesting your wife must be at serious risk of PND, she has excessive anxiety, she’s OTT, she’s controlling, she’s being selfish, she’s obviously mentally unwell...

How dare a new mother make her own decisions. How dare she protect her baby and herself before everyone else!
She must be mentally ill if she doesn’t go along with what everyone else wants.

No one has the right to pressurise her on this including her husband. He can speak to her about it but he didn’t just carry a baby safely through a pandemic and give birth, he can’t make her do anything.

I got pregnant mid Feb 2020. Every part of my pregnancy was affected by lockdown and avoiding risk. My twins were born in Oct and my consultants, midwives and health visitors all advised to do as OP’s wife now wants to do.

The biggest reason of all is that the last thing a new mum with a tiny baby need is any illness in the house.

@FlashesOfRage your comment is so true! I am now 6 days over due and having the discussion with my partner about visitors makes me feel so anxious. I have been so so careful the last 9 months and want to protect my baby as much as possible 😢

@FlashesOfRage calm down love, he came here to ask for opinions on their decisions and that’s what he got. If you don’t want opinions don’t ask for them.

I think the key thing to remember is that no one, absolutely no one feels as strongly about these things as you do as a new parent. It’s very easy to project your feelings onto what others are saying. But seriously - they really really aren’t that fussed. If they aren’t offering to come you’d say no one cared. Just learn to recognise the difference between what you’re feeling and what you’re saying and it will be fine.

Sorry - the difference between what you’re feeling and what they’re saying.

Absolutely no one other than the odd over enthusiastic MIL perhaps has any intention of putting pressure on you, and really none is fussed about WHEN they see you. They just want you to know they’re happy for you so just leave it at that and stop reading so much into it.

[quote Tawnytowel]@Grumpylate20s I understand, I say that to people too but it’s really intended as a show of support. Of course it’s lovely to celebrate the birth of someone’s baby and have a cuddle, but honestly it’s fine if we don’t. You just want them to know that you’re happy for them.

Just a word of caution if this sort of thing is bothering you now, you should be prepared for what will come later. Everyone has opinions and experiences to share on all aspects of raising children, and generally their comments and advice are meant kindly. But in some circumstances new parents, especially new mums, can overreact to it and end up putting pressure on themselves by reading too much into what people say.

Try not to do that, for your own sakes.[/quote]
I guess that's like everything in life.. we build it up in our heads and then when we've done once or twice its like well that happened let's crack on... I was petrified of flying hadn't flown before and kept overthinking it and became anxious but once I was up there, there was nothing to it and flown loads of times since due to my career

Nah yeah I understand that, I want to edit the title but i can't find out how to do it. @Formulation123

@LifeIsAnArt

In your original post you mentioned your wife is not allowing anyone to see the baby. In a later post you say actually she's not allowing cuddling and holding - agree with PP that these are very different things. OP's wife shouldn't get all the criticism just because she doesn't want to break the law by not social distancing.

Yeah nah I get that, I just don't know how to change it and it the beginning I went of on a tangent but if people aren't cuddling then no point them coming out to see him on our door step for a flying visit before they have to go as the weather might not permit It possible, (especially for our elders)

@C8H10N4O2

In your original post you mentioned your wife is not allowing anyone to see the baby. In a later post you say actually she's not allowing cuddling and holding

Also said wife hadn't had vaccine because breastfeeding and subsequently that she hadn't had it because she hasn't been called yet. They seem to have missed the questions about the age of the baby and any other vulnerabilities.

Since the only visiting allowed at the moment is socially distanced and outdoors its all pretty academic. However ideas about "fair" and 50% each parent's would be better applied to a piizza than a new born and a new mother (which is also why the age of the baby is relevant).

Well he hasn't been born yet... So itll be about 2 months after he's had injections and we deem it safe, in terms of BF my DW won't know until she's offered to get it. Not saying she won't get it, of course she will but whilst we are all being vaccinated she hasn't so doesn't feel safe around other people and members of family

At least you & DW are on same page now...just make sure folk understand the rules & are willing to respect them if they are visiting.

Also to echo other posters...I think only immediate family will really really want to see a newborn or maybe if there is a friend at that nesting stage & loves/wants a baby so will be keen to meet. For example, I was dying to see my own nieces & nephews as babies & my oldest & v v best friend's babies. Not interested in most other people's...not neighbours, not social friends or work friends/colleagues. I don't dislike them... I'll genuinely enjoy seeing them if I bumped into out walking & think they are cute & am interested in how it is all going etc...but no way would I be going to their house to visit. And I'm not much of a one for wanting to hold babies. .. I'll happily do it if parent wants a break or has to hand off baby to do something but a random ' do you want to hold her?'.. answer is 'no thanks'. I have kids of my own & lots of nieces & nephews so I am v used to babies just I don't understand why a baby should be passed about. I think you'll find quite a few people will respect boundaries except maybe persistent grandparents or excitable people. Just be firm...all in your own time.

@FlashesOfRage

I feel absolutely incensed reading the many many comments here suggesting your wife must be at serious risk of PND, she has excessive anxiety, she’s OTT, she’s controlling, she’s being selfish, she’s obviously mentally unwell...

How dare a new mother make her own decisions. How dare she protect her baby and herself before everyone else!
She must be mentally ill if she doesn’t go along with what everyone else wants.

No one has the right to pressurise her on this including her husband. He can speak to her about it but he didn’t just carry a baby safely through a pandemic and give birth, he can’t make her do anything.

I got pregnant mid Feb 2020. Every part of my pregnancy was affected by lockdown and avoiding risk. My twins were born in Oct and my consultants, midwives and health visitors all advised to do as OP’s wife now wants to do.

The biggest reason of all is that the last thing a new mum with a tiny baby need is any illness in the house.

Wowza congratulations! It definitely has been a bittersweet time, I think really she's just become accustomed to just herself and the baby that she's been growing for 9months so I have total admiration, she's a trooper and a total inspiration and I love her with everything I have so I will respect her views however she sees fit, other people will just have to respect her wishes.. this has been very eye opening and helped me to understand better

@Alwaysandforeverhere

So basically the issue isn’t letting people see the baby it’s holding the baby.

She’s right. They can’t hold the baby and social distance from the baby at the same time. In two months currently I believe the rules are due to change to scrap social distancing.

I’d question why someone would want to risk giving a newborn baby covid just so they can get a cuddle and break the law.

I agree. Your wife is a parent as are you, and she is following Covid advice. I really don't think this can be unreasonable. It would be one thing if she wasn't allowing socially distanced gatherings but to me holding is different. I think it's a reasonable opinion to have. And yes the risks to babies might be small, but nobody really knows the longer term impacts, if any, on development etc. Yes your wife is being more cautious than most and others may reasonably do differently but I don't think she's being unreasonable either.

I think really she's just become accustomed to just herself and the baby that she's been growing for 9months so I have total admiration, she's a trooper and a total inspiration and I love her with everything I have so I will respect her views however she sees fit, other people will just have to respect her wishes.. this has been very eye opening and helped me to understand better

This is lovely. I'm sure you'll both do great, I think it's a bit of an adjustment for men because you've always looked after your elders, and now you have to prioritise your wife and your baby over them.

I do think it's a bit different for pregnant women atm, our pregnancies haven't been a family affair, alot of my family haven't even seen me with a bump, no one has felt baby kick, DH couldn't even go in the scans. This has been very much my baby for 9 months, so sharing is going to be harder. But we've also been so focused on how germy everyone is, I don't want people touching my perfect little baby with their dirty hands or breathing their spit all over their little face.