Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

Sorry OP I didn’t chime in with anything about you. Do you buy clothes made of natural materials? Cotton, linen, silk, wool in winter?
I’ve an inbuilt prejudice against man-made ones .. unless it’s to replace leather. I think our clothes are a bit of a giveaway.

Ah Op, I have had this a few times, most recently from 2 people that I cycle with (one a neighbour) telling me how sooooo expensive their cycling jackets were when I asked the make.

A guy at work made a comment about his Audi TT and how we would never have such an expensive car - he openly admitted borrowing money from inlaws. At the time we had a top of range estate, costing more than he quoted, bought outright, and probably 5* as much in bank. I was so gobsmacked I didn’t say anything, which still bugs me 😂

The same neighbour is now making digs at me about “the cost of retiring early” - I am retiring soon at 58, she definitely is implying I will be destitute in a year or 2. I won’t be 😂

I can’t understand it either, we are all professionals, live in a primarily middle class area, we bought our house long before neighbour, so benefit from lower price, plus DH and I bought individual houses initially and that has allowed us to build up some serious savings.

I just inwardly laugh at them, their problem, not mine! Although I might make a retort one day! I do wonder if the comments will ramp up when I am not working.

Is it more or less than that?

You could spend much less and look amazing, or spend much more and look awful. It depends what you choose, how you wear it, how it fits, your figure, your posture... Money gives you the options, but you only have to look at a 45 year old male investment banker in jeans to know it is no magic bullet.

@MerryGoRoundBrain

OP, it will be a combination of things. I find people very easily make assumptions based especially on the accent and clothes. You need to decide for yourself how much jt bothers you. For example, does it bother you so much that you’re prepared to invest more time and money in your appearance? People will always judge and everybody cares to some extent, the crucial thing is finding the right balance. Ultimately, no one should live their life to please others.

It is a good question. I would not spend hours and hours every day on carefully crafting my new image just to please other people, no. But if it is a matter of just upgrading, say, my jeans to a more expensive brand, buying a barbour jacket or making sure that I visit hairdressers once a month and not once a quarter then I'd make the effort. These thoughts coincided with the life opening up, so probably a good time for re-thinking how I present myself in general.

@forinborin

Seriously, it's not what you spend. It's not that simple. I wish it were! Is it more or less than that? Or is it more about the brands / designers, not the price? (showing complete ignorance here)

Definitely not the brands, although in some circles, brands/designers will get you treated better. Suppose it depends then.

But generally well-looked after clothes and shoes, not tattered or rumpled or items that look like tat. They don't have to be £££.

I think you have to have a certain look (mostly older and/or aged with a certain accent) to pull off the 'tattered-but-posh' look - also depends on the area and who's judging (If that's how they see well-to-do or not).

I get this too OP! I am a high earner (for context HMRC have estimated my tax in the next tax year as just over £60k) but I am overweight and a bit scruffy - people take one look at my weight, my clothes from Sainsbury's or Primark, and my unpolished nails and make a judgement about me.

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@Bluntness100 in response to your paycheck comment being weird. In the early days of DH's career (he's a barrister) there were two or three years where he was a whisker away from being unable to pay bills because clients hadn't paid him. There were a few times when I had given up work when ds was a baby that we had maybe, £7.30 to feed us for five days although bills were found. But, if I had not had money of my own those could have been break points where a corporate career would have had to be considered.[/quote]
That's not going paycheck to paycheck though is it? Your barrister DH wasn't even getting his 'paycheck'. That was a cashflow issue for self-employed people rather than an employee on a stable wage not being able to make it to the end of the month on the same money they get every month.

@WowIlikereallyhateyou

To add, in life those who are usually dressed up to the nines in the newest car etc are the least able to afford it, very naive of the shop assistant.

I worked in a department store about 15 years ago and I remember in our training we were told never to judge a customer by their appearances. The example was given of a very well dressed (expensively dressed) couple who had been regular customers but one day tried to pay for a handbag or another expensive item, and all their cards failed because they were actually in massive credit card debt.

@WakeUpSchmakeUp

Sorry OP I didn’t chime in with anything about you. Do you buy clothes made of natural materials? Cotton, linen, silk, wool in winter? I’ve an inbuilt prejudice against man-made ones .. unless it’s to replace leather. I think our clothes are a bit of a giveaway.

Well... the materials are not even on my radar. For the casual wear, jeans and jumpers are cotton or wool (acrylic?), I guess. The office wardrobe (when I needed it pre-covid) is all standard marks and spencers skirts / blouses / blazers / tights, they come already colour-coordinated. Eh, that sounds bad now that I type it.

I've faced similar situations but I don't look 'poor' (whatever that means). Anytime I've made a big purchase, even if it's just a big asda shop, I've been told 'you can put it back if it's too much', 'is that your husband's card?' and my favourite 'how on earth are you affording that?'.

And whilst paying for an order at a shop I was told by the manager 'You'll be on benefits by the end of the month if you keep up with your shopping habits'.

The fact I go shopping in the daytime doesn't help because people make comments about me being a sugar baby or relying on 'Daddy's money'.

Better clothes.
Better posture.
Self-confidence in speech and manner.
Well-groomed, doesn't have to be all glammed up but could be.
Don't be in a rush/look flustered/stressed.

I am not sure how being rushed/stressed/flustered makes anyone seem poor? Busy yes, but not poor?

I do wonder if my accent, broad Yorkshire, contributes to some people’s perception of me, although I haven’t lived there for 40yrs.

@VerityWibbleWobble

Your description of your DH made me laugh, neither DH and I are into expensive clothes either, wouldn’t know a better brand if it hit us in the face, but we are not poor.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I remember purchasing something once and the salesperson actively trying to talk me out of it and they begged me not to spend more than I could afford and please make sure I had enough to feed my kidsconfused. They were genuinely worried. I don’t believe this for a second

I believe it. Salesperson probably knows it's a con. I remember going into a chemist as a teenager (so obviously not much money) looking for a spray to clean my glasses and the shop assistant saying I could use fairy liquid for the same effect. She was being genuinely helpful (although I now know it's not a great idea).

Sadly a lot of people have pre conceived ideas of single mums, even here on MN theres often the notion we all struggle financially.
When I was newly divorced and moved to what I assumed would be a friendly estate, especially as ndn promptly asked me in for a coffee, then proceeded to ask how a single mum could afford to buy the house!!
Gave her the raised eyebrow and replied ‘because I work bloody hard’, some of your interactions OP seem to be from thinly veiled racists and ignoramuses.
Ignore and carry on.

am not sure how being rushed/stressed/flustered makes anyone seem poor? Busy yes, but not poor?

You'd be surprised what people judge by. I imagined rushed, stressed and flustered, especially if shopping and carrying loads of stuff (possibly while trying to wrangle a child in a push chair). I doubt many would see her as the local millionaire down the road.

Not saying that's what she looks like, only adding possible scenarios/solutions as she wants.

I don't know. My grandad always said that regardless of everything else well off people wore good shoes and had well cared for hands.

I don't think it has anything to do with designer/brands but it does have something to do with well cut clothes, skirts cut on the bias, a good fabric. I sometimes pick up a mid range top and the pattern is so badly matched it makes me go ouch (White Stuff/Boden) but conversely I can occasionally pick up something in H&M and think "oh, that's not badly made".

"Smug marrieds have it ingrained in them (to mitigate their suffering) that single parenthood is hard."

It's what the stats say isn't it?
"Lone parents have the highest poverty rate among working-age adults, with 43% living in poverty (i)"
www.gingerbread.org.uk/policy-campaigns/living-standards-and-poverty/

I've faced similar situations but I don't look 'poor' (whatever that means). Anytime I've made a big purchase, even if it's just a big asda shop, I've been told 'you can put it back if it's too much', 'is that your husband's card?' and my favourite 'how on earth are you affording that?'.
All of this in Asda, eh?

I’ve had this a few times, OP.

I genuinely think it’s because businesses are so tired of dealing with people who moan when presented with a bill that they double-check when anything above the cheapest is ordered.

Our household income is very high. We’re not flash but my car probably is a bit (1 year old high-spec luxury model).

Last week, I pulled up to a local garden centre that had a stall outside selling plants and seeds. The woman on the stand admired my car and said her husband would be jealous if he saw it.

A minute later, I was paying for my purchases and had a battle with her to buy a particular item! It was a pack of seeds and she said “these are £5, do you want to put them back and get something cheaper?” I nearly had to grab them and run while throwing the money at her before she’d let me buy them.

Not saying that's what she looks like, only adding possible scenarios/solutions as she wants.
Ah, that IS probably how I look like on most days.

You'd wonder why people are in the retail business at all, so many being loathe to sell their wares... 🤣
Seriously?!

I don’t believe this for a second hmm

Don’t believe it all you like. It happened. I relayed it to friends and they all hooted with laughter. The guy seemed genuinely concerned and really did say that.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I've faced similar situations but I don't look 'poor' (whatever that means). Anytime I've made a big purchase, even if it's just a big asda shop, I've been told 'you can put it back if it's too much', 'is that your husband's card?' and my favourite 'how on earth are you affording that?'. All of this in Asda, eh?

Read it again hun x

I'm a single parent and get comments like this too. The house next door to me is rented and had a sign up as landlord was looking for a new tenant. The assumption by the school mums was that I clearly couldn't afford the rent and was moving out of the area. Er... no I own my house (the one next door!) and have just had a mahoosive extension. People judge. Ignore.

@RosesAndHellebores

I don't know. My grandad always said that regardless of everything else well off people wore good shoes and had well cared for hands.

I don't think it has anything to do with designer/brands but it does have something to do with well cut clothes, skirts cut on the bias, a good fabric. I sometimes pick up a mid range top and the pattern is so badly matched it makes me go ouch (White Stuff/Boden) but conversely I can occasionally pick up something in H&M and think "oh, that's not badly made".

It’s interesting that you mention the shoes. When I was a young child, my DM would buy us relatively cheap clothes as money was tight sometimes but would always buy us good quality shoes (I remember she would often buy us shoes from Elefanten). Even now I don’t spend a lot of money on clothes generally speaking but I’m happy to splurge on Todd’s moccasins if I can afford them in the sales for example. I always associate cheaper footwear with poverty, clearly because of how my DM thought about this. I wonder if this is something that sterns from the past when there was a much more obvious difference between cheap and expensive shoes just by looking at them.

Read it again hun x
Why? I have trouble believing any retailer cares much where your money is coming from, once you're happy to hand it over.