Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

@forinborin

Not saying that's what she looks like, only adding possible scenarios/solutions as she wants. Ah, that IS probably how I look like on most days.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Read it again hun x Why? I have trouble believing any retailer cares much where your money is coming from, once you're happy to hand it over.

I'm so sorry you're struggling to comprehend the fact that every human has had different experiences in life than you. Unclench and eat a creme egg x

@GreyhoundG1rl

You'd wonder why people are in the retail business at all, so many being loathe to sell their wares... 🤣 Seriously?!

I think there might be different modes of employment in retail though. Ie if you are not on a commission, and you are certain that the visitor is not a secret shopper, I can see how situations like that occur. As one extreme case, I know someone who makes and sells one-of-a-kind lifelike dolls (collectioners level). She doesn't sell them to people she doesn't like for most strange of reasons. It is a genuine source of income for her (and she's absolutely not rich), but she would rather live off beans on toast for months than have one of her dolls go to a "bad" house.

I'd think it was looking a bit dishevelled/tired.

The difference in the way I'm treated in loads of places depends upon what I'm wearing/whether my hair is flat, too long and lifeless/if I'm wearing makeup or look like death , etc.

I'm not saying they were always mean, though - some of it has very obviously been said out of kindness/wishing to avoid embarrassing me at the till - and some has been outright arseholery where somebody looking like me couldn't possibly be worth any attention as I'd only be looking for the cheapest thing in the shop Currys.

Dentists have a lot of problems with people either not understanding or deliberately pretending to not understand until after they've had the expensive private treatment. Beauty salons also have that risk every time somebody comes in for an expensive treatment. As do places which sell more expensive foods by weight - because they can't resell it once it's been eaten and the person is complaining they were misled about the price.

Then again, there is also the weird feeling when I'm assumed to be far better off financially than I am because my accent has softened/got slightly posher over the years, yet I'm wearing something fresh off the rack from Primark. Maybe I'm just better at choosing things that suit me these days?

However, it isn't that unusual in this last year for women - who appear to have the nice house in the nice area, a nice car and should by all rights be fine financially - to have been hit by husbands walking out and their having to give up work to look after their children/losing their jobs through Covid at the same time and are therefore trying to navigate the Universal Credit system and the significant drop in income that entails. Perhaps the awareness that this can happen even to people with £100K jobs isn't such a bad thing?

@LaBellina do you really think there isn't an obvious difference between a Ferragamo pump and an M&S pump - or even a Gabor and M&S pump or a pair of LKBennett Boots and a pair of Clarke's boots.

My first reaction is to suggest that it says more about their own experience than about you. That would explain to me, why people might treat someone who appears to lack confidence as if they also lacked money.

People with good self confidence are either at least comfortably off or confidence tricksters.

I'd encourage you to work on your self esteem, for your own benefit, so that you would tend to find these examples amusing, as being so wrong.

I'm sorry you lost a tooth

I wonder if this is something that sterns from the past when there was a much more obvious difference between cheap and expensive shoes just by looking at them.
I probably would struggle to tell an expensive designer pair from a "high street" pair, when it comes to normal shoes. Only if they are very obviously "designer" as in "haute couture" or possibly specialised where it is easier to tell (such as trekking / hiking boots).
It always puzzled me how people can scan and estimate the price of the outfit of someone in a couple of seconds.

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@LaBellina do you really think there isn't an obvious difference between a Ferragamo pump and an M&S pump - or even a Gabor and M&S pump or a pair of LKBennett Boots and a pair of Clarke's boots.[/quote]
Definitely 😅. But I love luxury shoes and by the sound of it, so do you (I assume). So probably we would recognize saffiano leather when we saw it etc.

But many people can’t see the difference these days I think, remember those Gucci knock offs that were sold at Primark a few years ago? I think in the past there was a much more obvious difference between cheap and expensive clothes and shoes but because of ‘fast fashion’ a shop like H&M can copy designer items to a certain degree and many people won’t see the difference.

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@LaBellina do you really think there isn't an obvious difference between a Ferragamo pump and an M&S pump - or even a Gabor and M&S pump or a pair of LKBennett Boots and a pair of Clarke's boots.[/quote]
There’s not to me. I can tell what’s stylish but not what’s expensive. (Wouldn’t count Gabor as well designed, on the whole). I can tell an overall impression of how expensive someone looks, but that could be carefully crafted grooming.

Oh yes @LaBellina shoes are my absolute weakness - tempered now by arthritis and needing bloody orthotics

@forinborin a beautifully made shoe will have no seam in the leather at the instep - one piece of leather will be used for the entire shoe. Sometimes even haute couture are not beautifully made.

Shoes should also fit perfectly and feel balanced. You should never have to "break in" a shoe if it is the right shape and on the right last for your foot.

It must be the accent and that you look foreign, which is a terrible stereotype indeed. I can’t say I’ve ever experienced a single person make any assumptions about how rich or poor I was. And I’ve been poor. Even now (I’m not poor anymore) I’m not that bothered about hair or clothes & put on a bit of weight over the pandemic so I could potentially look “poor” but nobody has ever said anything to me that would suggest they thought I was.

@ThePricklySheep a lot can be gleaned from the rings or earrings. Scruffiest woman I have ever known (she's 90 now and can't get out) but 20 years ago you would happen across her in the car park in an ancient Old Laura Ashley Skirt, fleece gilet, socks (usually with a hole), in sandals, loading her battered old golf. And as you looked up at her unkempt hair and gap between her two front teeth you would suddenly see the twinkle of a beautiful pair of pearl and diamond drop earrings, probably worth at least £15k. She was the daughter of one of the old stockbroking firms that have been eaten up by the big banks.

Perhaps people in most of those situations were just ‘being kind’ .

A case of ‘can’t do right for doing wrong’.

Serious overthinking, OP.

No Gabor's a poor example but some are quite neat and they have arch support!

@RosesAndHellebores

Oh yes *@LaBellina* shoes are my absolute weakness - tempered now by arthritis and needing bloody orthotics

@forinborin a beautifully made shoe will have no seam in the leather at the instep - one piece of leather will be used for the entire shoe. Sometimes even haute couture are not beautifully made.

Shoes should also fit perfectly and feel balanced. You should never have to "break in" a shoe if it is the right shape and on the right last for your foot.

You're responsible now for me staring at people's shoes from now on.

My office heeled shoes are made to measure (abroad and quite cheaply - I think the pair was around £70- £80 in the end). For medical reasons, I have some issues with my toes, which means some allowance has to be made. But they look absolutely standard, could be from a famous designer, could be from Primark. Thankfully they don't have a seam! Phew!

For trainers / sneakers / flip-flops, I would even struggle to say what make they are. And weirdly I don't have anything in between - it is either office, or very casual.

@TrickyD

Perhaps people in most of those situations were just ‘being kind’ .

A case of ‘can’t do right for doing wrong’.

Serious overthinking, OP.

Yes, I think I did overreact to many of these situations (in my head, obviously I did not react in real life at all). It was just triggered by this offer of chocolates yesterday (which again, was made from the best of intentions), and all went downhill from there with a complete audit of my life, the society and my position in it.

Bet they don't look absolutely standard

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

i think you're over thinking things

I do too

Just ignore it (and take any chocolate offered!)

I'm actually offended at the people asking if it's because you're foreign. That's disgusting. Most of the foreign people I've met have more money than I can ever dream of having and I'm a child of immigrants born and raised in this country.

Op, based on what you've described, I think it's because of grooming (or lack of, in your case). Get yourself down to one of the big department stores after lockdown and make use of their personal shopper services.

OP a bit off topic but Yoox is a great place to find designer shoes at a lower price especially if your shoe size is rare (either smaller or bigger then average!)

"I'm actually offended at the people asking if it's because you're foreign. That's disgusting. Most of the foreign people I've met have more money than I can ever dream of having and I'm a child of immigrants born and raised in this country."

Depends where you live though and where the immigrant communities in your area come from.

Some of it is because customers are idiots and say "Yeah, I know" and 3 minutes later scream at you because they need to pay/it's more expensive than they "knew"🙄

Like you I am foreign, but people don't usually remind me of prices.

Oh and the credit thing? People buy everything here on credit😳 So much credit.

Omg at the doll maker. Very interesting business model there...

Greasy hair.