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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

552 replies

forinborin · 04/04/2021 10:57

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

OP posts:
NommyChompers · 04/04/2021 13:09

I work at a dentist and ALWAYS stress the prices to everyone as we have too many people come and have treatment and then say they can’t pay / threaten to sue / cry about having to take on a second mortgage (and we are NHS fees) so probably wasn’t personal. Likely the same in the restaurant too

forinborin · 04/04/2021 13:11

@whenthebellsring

Ah, sorry OP. Didn't realise you were after a practical solution. Your title and OP asked us to speculate on why this could be and that's what we were doing.

Possible solution:

Better clothes.
Better posture.
Self-confidence in speech and manner.
Well-groomed, doesn't have to be all glammed up but could be.
Don't be in a rush/look flustered/stressed.
Either graciously accept the offers you're given or decline politely with a "Thanks but we're okay" or something.

I'm sure there's more.

Oh, speculations are also quite welcome, helps me to brainstorm. I need to do something with my image post-lockdown (now that everyone has conveniently forgotten how I look Grin), and this is the area I wanted addressed, but wasn't even sure where/ how to start. Confidence yes, seems to be one of more expensive items on the list.
OP posts:
M0rT · 04/04/2021 13:11

It's the clothes and the "norm" where you live/shop.
When we were teenagers my DM had to bring my sister and I to a shopping centre in the evening at the last minute.
She was in boots and tracksuit bottoms with a coat thrown over and her hair scraped back as she had been painting with a swimming cap on until we told her we needed something for school the next day.
She was followed the whole way around the centre/shop, completely oblivious Grin
My sister and I thought it was hilarious and still tease her about it. She is very honest and would go back to a shop if they undercharged her.
It wouldn't have happened where she is from as it's rural and often the wealthiest people are the farmers who wear wellies into the shop. Shop assistants/security guards there know this and have different biases to go on.
So it didn't occur to her that being unfashionably dressed but clean would be perceived as anything in particular.
If the shops customers/your neighbours are usually smartly/expensively dressed and you aren't that will give an impression of poverty to them. Especially as you are in a city and not a particularly 'posh' part where the really rich scruffy set live.
The Barbour advice is probably a good one, or a "smart" coat/jacket to throw over your jeans and top.
Although my DM was wearing a Barbour the day she was followed. Grin

forinborin · 04/04/2021 13:13

@TheTeenageYears

The dentist and restaurant examples can be explained easily - other instances maybe not so much. I'm sure private dentists have been faced with customers who have gone ahead with treatment, smiled and nodded but when it comes to paying private fees, say they were unaware so they say it now multiple times to protect themselves. Same with a restaurant, there will have been customers who order items which have an example price and are then surprised when the bill comes, either genuinely or just trying to get something for nothing. The restaurant are just trying to protect themselves by making it clear at multiple communication points.
Oh yes, I realised now with all the responses that I probably read too much into it, and it was just sound business logic.
OP posts:
Fortherosesjoni70 · 04/04/2021 13:13

Yes to 'You look young'
I have had this. Especially when i was young and had 3 young kids. People generally assumed I was a lot younger than I was and therefore didn't have my own money or not enough of it.
I was about 20 and never thought about it then but looking back on photos I looked about 16.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2021 13:14

@RampantIvy

I had this yesterday. I had a free eye test at Specsavers in a not very affluent South Yorkshire town - free because I am over 60.

I have an expensive prescription - varifocals, extreme short sight requiring the lenses to be thinned, astigmatism, so my one pair of glasses plus free pair came to just under £500. At every point I was asked if I was on any benefits.

My hair looks tragic as a result of lockdown, but I don't know why they thought I might be on benefits. I'm from London and am considered well spoken, so maybe the assumption was because so many of their customers are?

Or just checking because it's relevant? They probably ask everyone.
2ndAugust · 04/04/2021 13:18

I would think it’s how you are dressed, (shop assistant) what car you drive (neighbours) people are so judgmental these days. Our house is a wreck, (doer upper) and tradies that come to the house expect us to be poor. It doesn’t happen anywhere else as we are pretty well put together!

Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2021 13:22

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

It's an odd one, hey. But yes - it may be the "forrin" bit.

Apparently I "look like" a vegetarian. No idea why, or what a vegetarian is supposed to look like (me, apparently!!) - even the people I've asked why they assume that seem unable to answer!

Do you look like a bit of a hippy?
forinborin · 04/04/2021 13:22

@NommyChompers

I work at a dentist and ALWAYS stress the prices to everyone as we have too many people come and have treatment and then say they can’t pay / threaten to sue / cry about having to take on a second mortgage (and we are NHS fees) so probably wasn’t personal. Likely the same in the restaurant too
Yes, thank you! I get it now. I did not have dental treatment in the UK before, I usually get checked / have routine treatments when visiting my home country (where you usually pre-pay according to an estimate, and then pay / receive back the balance later). So wasn't sure what the usual procedure is, but yes, it makes sense now, if non-payments are a problem.
OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/04/2021 13:23

you should spend approx these amounts to look respectable in 2021:
£300 on coat. Not ott coat but quietly expensive. Especially good if its outdoorsy.
£120 per pair on jeans
£150 per pair on shoes

Grin

Seriously, it's not what you spend. It's not that simple. I wish it were!

forinborin · 04/04/2021 13:25

@2ndAugust

I would think it’s how you are dressed, (shop assistant) what car you drive (neighbours) people are so judgmental these days. Our house is a wreck, (doer upper) and tradies that come to the house expect us to be poor. It doesn’t happen anywhere else as we are pretty well put together!
Don't have a car at all... possibly also can be an indicator? Yes, the house could be better looked after, but that's generally due to the lack of time.
OP posts:
WowIlikereallyhateyou · 04/04/2021 13:26

@Tinydinosaur

How do you dress? Do you check the price tags on everything (like at the boutique)? What job do you do? Is it something typically considered low earning?

It sounds like people think you're poor tbh.

All i would say is that the richest people i know , think £ multimillionaire and there are a few of them, dress like tramps and check the price of everything!
Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2021 13:27

@somuchlaundrytowash

As somebody who actually is poor I've never had people act like this around me. It's very strange, generally people can be weird.....
I'm not poor exactly, but low to modest income and nobody offers me free stuff!
WowIlikereallyhateyou · 04/04/2021 13:28

To add, in life those who are usually dressed up to the nines in the newest car etc are the least able to afford it, very naive of the shop assistant.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 04/04/2021 13:29

@PurpleWh1teGreen

The richest person I have known in my life - by many millions - used to walk round in an old donkey jacket and scour the supermarket aisles for reduced price food.

She was the best possible example of not judging people by their appearance.

Totally agree,there are lots of them. You get to a certain point in life that you don’t care what others think.
forinborin · 04/04/2021 13:30

Seriously, it's not what you spend. It's not that simple. I wish it were!
Shock
Is it more or less than that? Or is it more about the brands / designers, not the price?
(showing complete ignorance here)

OP posts:
forinborin · 04/04/2021 13:33

All i would say is that the richest people i know , think £ multimillionaire and there are a few of them, dress like tramps and check the price of everything!
I can't say I know many multimillionaires. The few I know are from the young tech entrepreneur crowd and they do spend money visibly (more on experiences / trips / gadgets rather than clothes, to be fair).

OP posts:
burritofan · 04/04/2021 13:34

you should spend approx these amounts to look respectable in 2021:
£300 on coat. Not ott coat but quietly expensive. Especially good if its outdoorsy.
£120 per pair on jeans
£150 per pair on shoes
This is, to put it mildly, completely bonkers.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 04/04/2021 13:35

@forinborin

All i would say is that the richest people i know , think £ multimillionaire and there are a few of them, dress like tramps and check the price of everything! I can't say I know many multimillionaires. The few I know are from the young tech entrepreneur crowd and they do spend money visibly (more on experiences / trips / gadgets rather than clothes, to be fair).
Depends on the age, but you certainly would not pick alot of them out of a crowd and the ones drowing in designer gear would not have had money for a long time!
LonginesPrime · 04/04/2021 13:35

The PP who asked whether I was browsing price tags in the baby shop when asked - yes, I was... sorry, lost that post now. It was one of those places where you can't be sure whether an item is £50 or £500, and my budget was closer to the first number

Well, that's that mystery solved!

The shop assistant spoke to you about their pricing because you picked something up to check the price and put it back, which naturally gives the impression that the price put you off.

It may well be that they're hearing comments all day about the high price of their items, and they might personally believe the items are overpriced too (and obviously wasn't working on commission!).

FortunesFave · 04/04/2021 13:37

Someone I met recently said "Oh I know you...I've seen you around the village..." and we chatted a while then she asked me
"are you a single parent?" And it turns out she thought I was single because I walk everywhere! Silly cow. As though single parents can't drive cars!

I am married but can't drive as I have epilepsy.

forinborin · 04/04/2021 13:38

Depends on the age, but you certainly would not pick alot of them out of a crowd and the ones drowing in designer gear would not have had money for a long time!
Yes, agree. I don't have ambitions to project a multimillionaire image, at this point it would be sufficient just not to be suspected of being a potential shoplifter / like I am about to jump out of the dentist's chair and run away without paying. Grin

OP posts:
MerryGoRoundBrain · 04/04/2021 13:39

OP, it will be a combination of things. I find people very easily make assumptions based especially on the accent and clothes. You need to decide for yourself how much jt bothers you. For example, does it bother you so much that you’re prepared to invest more time and money in your appearance? People will always judge and everybody cares to some extent, the crucial thing is finding the right balance. Ultimately, no one should live their life to please others.

VerityWibbleWobble · 04/04/2021 13:39

Even if well worn better off people with still wear certain brands.

What brands would they be then? Confused

I'm sat in a pair of scruffy old Nike tracksuit bottoms and a Primark t-shirt and have been to the shops dressed like this too with my beaten up old trainers on.

DH, well, he's sat here looking like he got dressed with a blindfold on and had mittens taped to his hands. Honest to god if you saw him outside you'd assume, well I don't know what you'd assume actually, he looks like a hobo.

WakeUpSchmakeUp · 04/04/2021 13:39

@RosesAndHellebores

Interesting ThePricklySheep - I think MIL has 150% internalised the local thinking "poor" mentality since moving north 60 years ago.
Is it just the mentality she’s adopted, or did she start wearing a cloth cap & keeping whippets and/or pigeons as well?

Maybe you could move her back down south & start a Crowdfunding page for her rehabilitation.
People don’t realise how contagious being northern is, sadly.