Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

Do you look quite young?
Niece gets this a lot and I think it's because she looks so much younger than 36.

My sister went shopping with her two toddlers and my mum once and the checkout lady asked her if she was on an inset day. She was thirty

@LemonSherbetFancies

Do you look quite young? Niece gets this a lot and I think it's because she looks so much younger than 36.

I wish! I look older than my age, and did ally life - people are usually surprised the other way round, that I am so young biologically.

OP it will be something shallow

I've actually learned to take advantage in a way. If you don't look like an Instagram person and you live in a leafy green place, people will make assumptions.

I live in a rough area and when I looked glam for work, I even had a neighbour ask me to sign as her rent guarantor!

I only looked a certain way for work. Now it's not necessary, I do get treated differently. If anyone wants to give me spare chocolate, I'll take it.

I'm also single - makes life cheaper - but no one sees it like that. If they offer a lift when I was going to take a cab, I accept. I'm not going to ask but if they offer 🤷🏻‍♀️

Many years ago I visited a car showroom with my dm. We were looking at new cars, not really expensive ones, about 15k range. The Salesman, an older gentleman, walked over and physically steered us away from the new cars, telling us we might find something more suitable amongst the used cars lined up outside. What he didn't know was that my mum had her building society book in her pocket with over 60k in it and it had always been her ambition to buy herself a new car one day and she was finally in a position to do so. She had actually earmarked about 20k to buy a car, which she eventually did, but at another car dealership. As she used to say, you can never judge a book by its cover!

Well if this extends to people who don’t know you it must be your appearance.

Niece looks about 17/18 even though she is mid thirties. She gets a lot of what OP is describing.
Asked if she was looking forward to starting secondary school when she was 18 and mistaken for a school kid and told to get on the school bus just last year!
I wouldn't worry too much about it OP. Just be yourself and be happy with who you are x

Wear a barbour jacket. That will solve your problem. It happens to me too. Probably because I don't make much effort over appearance. Don't think it's anything to do with being foreign

I completely understand ,I don't look at appearances unless I'm at wok and I have to remind someone of the dress code, which I hate doing but it has to be done.
I know I don't look as groomed as I used to, but can't wait till the hairdresser open and I can also get my eyebrows sorted.
You can only be you, I never have a manicure ever but have nice finger nails cut down short.
Stopped using jewelery due to my autistic daughters needs .
I make it a point of duty to make the extra effort , I have realised especially when I have to meet with other professionals and I do go for quite a number of meetings concerning her issues ,that one is judged by ones appearance.
This I know to be true.

The PP who asked whether I was browsing price tags in the baby shop when asked - yes, I was... sorry, lost that post now. It was one of those places where you can't be sure whether an item is £50 or £500, and my budget was closer to the first number.

@Erkrie

Wear a barbour jacket. That will solve your problem. It happens to me too. Probably because I don't make much effort over appearance. Don't think it's anything to do with being foreign

Ah that what I was after, a practical solution! I don't think it is much to do with being foreign too. I know when it is, and it is usually quite obvious.

@Chickychickydodah

I look poor but no one gives me sod all 😢

I have chocolates to share now

It could be that they like the look of you and are trying to give you a bargain? I have the opposite issue. People assume I can afford all sorts. But I dress very casual and sometimes scruffy. Can you post a pic (blank out your face)?

It’s your clothes. I actually like very tailored clothes that most people would think were a bit old fashioned now.
However I noticed when I worked in offices people would see my suit and assume I was the boss, rather than the secretary type role I was actually in.
It was a very clear message that people generally make snap judgements about you from your appearance.

I think people usually assume I am well to do. Did have a funny incident in a supermarket though where my son and I were shopping after we'd been riding and were on the way home. We had stripped off the riding boots so we didn't tromp mud and stable dirt over the supermarket floor and had trainers on and the jodhpurs possibly looked like a fashion choice. We probably smelt vaguely of horse. I was buying some chicken frames for homemade chicken stock. I think this woman who was also at the counter thought we were so poor we were buying chicken frames to pick the meat off. She was staring at me with what can only be described as a look of horror.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).
I'm guessing that they get a lot of people whinging "no one said that we'd have to pay!" so the staff are told to repeat it over and over again to everyone so that no one can moan.

"I would expect the restaurant to make it clear that they may charge more than advertised for the lobster. I would be annoyed if I ordered one at one price and for charged another."

I'm surprised because I would assume anyone buying lobster has money to burn.

If they know you're a single parent it's that.
I get it a lot. So much so that I told one close friend my take home pay as I was so pissed off with her. (£800 per week take home). She was surprised and hasn't patronised me since.

Smug marrieds have it ingrained in them (to mitigate their suffering) that single parenthood is hard.

It could also be that youre not dressed right. Taken me a bit of time to realise this, but you should spend approx these amounts to look respectable in 2021:
£300 on coat. Not ott coat but quietly expensive. Especially good if its outdoorsy.
£120 per pair on jeans
£150 per pair on shoes
You don't need lots but just enough that you're not always wearing the same thing.

Also you need a good haircut. God knows how in covid times but they are still managing. How?

I dont really do above but know plenty that do. I just try to rise above it all but I'm regularly patronised.
I fall back on my private school accent in times of need though. Esp with receptionists.

@Gwenhwyfar

"I would expect the restaurant to make it clear that they may charge more than advertised for the lobster. I would be annoyed if I ordered one at one price and for charged another."

I'm surprised because I would assume anyone buying lobster has money to burn.

The difference was £20 average, with a potential range of £18 to £22 (I don't remember now the exact numbers, it was some time ago). It wasn't a very posh place, one of those "catch of the day" seaside cafes. I am not even sure it was a true lobster and not some other crustacean.

Ah, sorry OP. Didn't realise you were after a practical solution. Your title and OP asked us to speculate on why this could be and that's what we were doing.

Possible solution:

Better clothes.
Better posture.
Self-confidence in speech and manner.
Well-groomed, doesn't have to be all glammed up but could be.
Don't be in a rush/look flustered/stressed.
Either graciously accept the offers you're given or decline politely with a "Thanks but we're okay" or something.

I'm sure there's more.

The dentist and restaurant examples can be explained easily - other instances maybe not so much. I'm sure private dentists have been faced with customers who have gone ahead with treatment, smiled and nodded but when it comes to paying private fees, say they were unaware so they say it now multiple times to protect themselves. Same with a restaurant, there will have been customers who order items which have an example price and are then surprised when the bill comes, either genuinely or just trying to get something for nothing. The restaurant are just trying to protect themselves by making it clear at multiple communication points.

When I was with my dd's father, our household income was £150k + per year. I had people assume I was a poor single mum on benefits all the time. I am a poor single mum on benefits right now. Nobody's ever given/offered me free stuff though. I'd be happy if they did.

I frequently get followed round by security guards in shops too, that one confuses me a bit. I've been asked to show my receipt a couple of times recently as I've walked out of the shop. I don't have a buggy, my DD is older. Apparently I dress quite well so I don't think I look poor. I think it's because I look younger than I am, and perhaps I have a guilty/sneaky looking facial expression.

If you was a single parent I would assume your struggling as it’s hard for one women to make up the wages of two people, especially if she has children to look after, after school hours.

It could also be that youre not dressed right. Taken me a bit of time to realise this, but you should spend approx these amounts to look respectable in 2021:
£300 on coat. Not ott coat but quietly expensive. Especially good if its outdoorsy.
£120 per pair on jeans
£150 per pair on shoes
You don't need lots but just enough that you're not always wearing the same thing.
Who told you this?!

Respectable??

@Crystal90567

If they know you're a single parent it's that. I get it a lot. So much so that I told one close friend my take home pay as I was so pissed off with her. (£800 per week take home). She was surprised and hasn't patronised me since.

Smug marrieds have it ingrained in them (to mitigate their suffering) that single parenthood is hard.

It could also be that youre not dressed right. Taken me a bit of time to realise this, but you should spend approx these amounts to look respectable in 2021:
£300 on coat. Not ott coat but quietly expensive. Especially good if its outdoorsy.
£120 per pair on jeans
£150 per pair on shoes
You don't need lots but just enough that you're not always wearing the same thing.

Also you need a good haircut. God knows how in covid times but they are still managing. How?

I dont really do above but know plenty that do. I just try to rise above it all but I'm regularly patronised.
I fall back on my private school accent in times of need though. Esp with receptionists.

This is actually very helpful and practical. My clothes are probably in that range undiscounted, but I am usually buying them in tkmaxx and other outlets. I guess that's the poverty of mind.

Yes, haircut is also an issue here. I found it traumatic not to wear a hat on the school runs when it got warmer recently. Grey roots, split ends... ehhh.