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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

552 replies

forinborin · 04/04/2021 10:57

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

OP posts:
iamnotok · 05/04/2021 17:48

Accent? British ears are very atuned to this.

I can do a good RP accent and people think I must be rich and should be propping up others/contributing. Actually I have very little money and can't even say this as no-one believes this (unlike a CF family I know who tried to claim that they had very little spare cash, despite having just bough a new BMW 4x4 and porsche)...

pollymere · 05/04/2021 17:49

Oh...if I want good service in an expensive shop, I lay my hands on the counter to display my diamonds...

tommyhoundmum · 05/04/2021 17:51

I once ewent into Pizza Express and the asked me what I wanted.
I just said some food would be nice.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 17:51

@pollymere

Oh...if I want good service in an expensive shop, I lay my hands on the counter to display my diamonds...
🙄
wildchild554 · 05/04/2021 17:54

The easter egg part because some people have been struggling getting easter eggs, I made my own as it's easier due to allergies but my friend couldn't find any when she tried.

PoirotAndHisMoustache · 05/04/2021 17:55

I get that a lot. I am foreign and have no dress sense. People assume i am in low paid job and it just makes me laugh because i earn way more than average for the area in a managerial role. It’s funny how people change the way they talk to me once they know my income (for instance in the bank)

VerityWibbleWobble · 05/04/2021 17:56

@pollymere

Oh...if I want good service in an expensive shop, I lay my hands on the counter to display my diamonds...
It just keeps getting better 😂

If I want good service in a shop I'm just polite. If I get shit service despite being polite I leave.

Diamonds my arse 🙄

MRSGGG · 05/04/2021 18:08

I'm baffled by people judging on sounding foreign and being a single parent Hmm. I judge people when I meet them on whether they act like a duck or not...everything else....who cares.

bluebellscorner · 05/04/2021 18:08

@NinthCircle

I can’t quote your post so this is the bit I’m referring to:

‘But many people would view that as 'There's a family trying visibly hard not to be seen as "struggling"', rather than 'There is a prosperous family'.

I recognise exactly the same tendencies in my own grandmother (after her husband died and left her with three small children) and my mother -- even the vocabulary you use '('trashy' worn heels) suggests social insecurity, like theirs. My grandmother skimped on the children's food to buy them 'respectable' clothes for school and church.’

I don’t think we were trying to look prosperous... not at all.. I don’t know if what I described in my post, and what you describe about your grandmother, can be classed as social insecurity? perhaps it is? I think if you are just trying to look clean and tidy and groomed, you’re not signalling social insecurity, or wanting to belong to a certain social class, you are just ticking a few basic boxes. The OP was wondering why people seem to think she is struggling financially, and that made me think of my childhood, and how that wasn’t the case for us even if we didn’t have a lot of disposable income, so I wanted to share my theory on why that might have been the case.

On the topic of social insecurity and trying to look prosperous, clothes and bags covered in designer logos send those signals to me

MRSGGG · 05/04/2021 18:09

A duck? Blush. A DICK....act like a dick Grin

QueenoftheFarts · 05/04/2021 18:11

This happens to me ALL the time, I don't think you are overthinking it or being shallow.

I used to think it's because I like wearing linen and thus look like a bag of laundry all the time but even if I am dressed up to the nines, I get followed by store detectives all the time. Apparently the store detective thief radar being set off is partly to do with the way I browse, (according to a friend who works in retail).. I'm not methodical, I bob around looking at things, then go back and look again...

I'm not young any more though and its not just in stores, I've had it at hotels, restaurants, everywhere.

Someone once even tried to pay for me once which was excruciating because the gesture was kind but I was so unworthy of it. I don't know what it is, maybe my hair?

I once had an infuriating incident at a restaurant on our wedding anniversary when I tried to order champagne and the waiter continued to labour the point about it not being available by the glass to the point of being a condescending arse despite me saying repeatedly that I wanted the whole bottle and I was aware of the price clearly stated in the wine list. He kept looking to my husband, maybe to control the extravagant pauper, but my hero of a man just said "Mate she earns 6 times what I do, if she wants to buy all the champagne you have, she can have it" (He's a keeper).

I did come from poverty, maybe I just carry the air of "can't afford it" with me...

wildchild554 · 05/04/2021 18:23

This just reminded me of when I had my baby in a mei tei, my toddler walking on reigns and pushchair loaded with bags for the charity shop, a woman came up to me saying how awful it is especially with children and tried offering me money, I remember my jacket was damaged too. For some reason she thought we were homeless lol. People sometimes do perceive what isn't nessessarily the case by appearances.

ittakes2 · 05/04/2021 18:28

I think it can be grooming. I tend to spend a fortune on clothes for my children but slop around in my husband's giant tracksuits. We are lucky enough to be able to afford for me to be a SATM - but I once was offered a free session by a kind healing therapist who felt I really needed a 2nd session but was worried I would not come back due to lack of funds.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 05/04/2021 18:30

I live in a very affluent area of Surrey UK but was born in a large NW town and still somewhat retain the flat vowels of my upbringing.
I shop in Primark, M&S and H&M. I'm 76, divorced with adult children living away from home.
Many of my Southern friends don't understand my love of getting a good deal on energy, broadband or any other aspect of daily living although I shop for food only at farmer's markets, M&S and Waitrose with the very occasional few household items from Tesco.
Friends have no idea of my income and I have no reason to tell them but because I rent an apartment, that means, to them, a lack of money.
I own a 7 bed 4.5 bath property with indoor and outdoor pools, tennis courts and electric gates on a private golf course and it is let out as it's too big for me to rattle around in.
The income from that dwarfs many times over, the rent on the apartment but I'm very happy here and like to treat friends who ask me 'not to leave myself short' if I gift a decent bottle of wine

HoegaardenHappiness · 05/04/2021 18:33

Mismatching clothes and unkempt hair would be my guess. With a added sprinkle of single parent.

Ok easy to fix:
Only wear blue or grey. Not black.
Expensive leather bag. £400+
Nice silk scarves for work.
Apple Watch and matching phone.
Big diamond studs - second hand Tiffany.
Sleek hair - wash and flatten.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 18:35

Why not black? Confused. Does it imply something negative about your social / financial status?

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 18:36

Sleek hair - wash and flatten. 🤣🤣🤣

Cutie18327 · 05/04/2021 18:36

Unfortunately, I get the same thing quite a lot and have put it down to the fact that I look foreign. Most recently, my new midwife asked me how long I had been in England for (I was born here and have a typical SE London accent) and made several assumptions about my income. It's a shame but I'm uses to it. Plus, I don't tend to spend a fortune on clothes because I have better things to spend my money on. My husband lives in tracksuits when he's not at work because they're comfortable, but we are by no means struggling financially.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 05/04/2021 18:39

Sent before time...
It all depends on your friends and acquaintances own upbringing as to what constitutes struggling financially.
I don't care what people think. I always buy second hand cars and wouldn't dream if shopping in Harrods or Selfridge's or pay silly money for clothes or shoes. I like what I wear and always get compliments but I'm not into make-up, manicures or pedicures or even regular hair appointments as I colour it at home and get a cut every 6 weeks or so.
Don't worry about people's perceptions. Whatever you say to try and alter their view will not have any effect.
Enjoy being you and know that each of us is unique.

Ddot · 05/04/2021 18:41

I knew someone who got thrown out of an expensive furniture shop for being a tatter, (tramp) he was a multi millionaire. Don't let it bother you. Better than being ostentatious, which I find trying. You sound like your doing ok so over your head it should go. I get told off for buying nice things but I'm not well enough for holidays so treat myself now and again. Your business what you do with it and if you dont feel the need to flash the cash, don't

HaveringWavering · 05/04/2021 18:43

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@LaBellina do you really think there isn't an obvious difference between a Ferragamo pump and an M&S pump - or even a Gabor and M&S pump or a pair of LKBennett Boots and a pair of Clarke's boots.[/quote]
While on the foot, out and about walking past, no, not really. Clarks are good quality.

(BTW the use for the word “pump” for shoes sets my teeth on edge!)

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 05/04/2021 18:54

Yes, the same happens to me but only since we moved to a affluent area. I was born and lived in London all my life. I am nearly 50 but 9 years ago we moved out to a tiny Kent village because my husband's job was relocating from London.
My oldest started school and I was told by a mother that I should have elocution lessons plus the school have a second hand school uniform shop. Never met her before but obviously lack of sleep with a small baby gave her the impression I needed guidance with my appearance and the way I spoke. It made me smile but
When ever I bumped into her I would chat away and use cockney slang as I knew she didn't like my accent. She made a judgment on me but never even knew my name.

We are ok financially but i wouldn't mention to anyone. I think it is because I grew up in a happy family environment but my parents struggled. My parents worked very hard but had a knockback with my father's business and they nearly lost the house and having bailiffs coming round. My mum not knowing when the next pennies were coming in, working nights to keep afloat.
I don't feel the need to have a big car, or flash holidays. We have a nice home and my eldest go to a dyslexia school which we have to pay for. Some people will always be judgemental but it really doesn't matter.

forinborin · 05/04/2021 19:02

@HoegaardenHappiness

Mismatching clothes and unkempt hair would be my guess. With a added sprinkle of single parent.

Ok easy to fix:
Only wear blue or grey. Not black.
Expensive leather bag. £400+
Nice silk scarves for work.
Apple Watch and matching phone.
Big diamond studs - second hand Tiffany.
Sleek hair - wash and flatten.

£400+ for a bag? Shock Bug diamond earrings? I mean, I probably need to accept that it just will cost money... but this feels a bit high.
OP posts:
Lucyk1 · 05/04/2021 19:02

I went to university in Aberdeen... Very much full of wealthy folk who work in the oil industry and many of the people on my course came from this city with parents who were geologists or worked off shore etc. Very very wealthy. But they dressed like they were poor. Old clothes on, just looked messy and scruffy like a smelly teen. But I definitely noticed that wealthy folk didn't exactly look wealthy.

I get it too tho. I'm far from poor and I paid for my wedding and my husband to be at the time paid for our honeymoon. Our honeymoon was 9 thousand. But I remember my friends mum (very nosy lady who asked lots of questions) and she said 'well there goes all your money for buying a house'.... But what she didn't seem to realise was we had saved 50 grand for a deposit for a house. She judged how we spent our money and expected us to be poor. I wouldn't worry about it. Let folk think what they want and just carry on.

nutmegsteddytoes · 05/04/2021 19:09

People can be judgmental for many reasons-even age
When I decided to get married I was 19 and started to look at venues-I didn't have a budget.
I turned up to one venue and met the wedding planner and before I'd even looked around,she suggested that maybe a social club would be a more suitable venue for me ,and that was coming from a lady in a nylon blouse!!
I obviously didn't book with her ,but the bloody cheek &I also had a similar experience in a bridal shop.
Who cares what others think-they sometimes make judgments I suppose based upon previous experience?