Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

I have found in many shops the assistants eyes will travel straight to the wrist. If I am wearing my decent brand watch I get better service than if I am not! I also make sure to not wear my watch if I want to haggle e.g when buying a car as then they assume I am poorer. Remember if you do but a decent watch/jewellery make sure it is fully insured on your house insurance.

Some hilarious posts here. Since the pandemic we have to take laptops home from the office every night and laptop bags pull on one side so we all used backpacks, even the ceo who earns £200k.

Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion I look poor as salespeople always try to steer me to cheaper products or ignore me. My local Ford showroom was the worst. We wanted an smax and although were looking for 2-3 year old models we were open to new on a payment plan (had 12k cash available but could have topped it up on a monthly plan for the right car). We gave up and went to a different showroom. Buying flooring recently the assistant kept suggesting cheaper options despite me being clear what I wanted. It’s weird but I don’t were expensive clothing every day. Dh and I earn well but I’ve decided I don’t need to keep up with the Jones’. Our smax is now quite old (fab car, still works) so clearly I look poor now but I’m not into cars so can’t see why I’d replace it until it starts needing lots of maintenance.

Wear not were

Profiling is fascinating..I was ignored in many car showrooms when as a young woman with no children I had far more disposable income than we do now. Strangely, we found that the more expensive showrooms weren't so bad for this..

I loved being in a holiday resort in America where this doesn't happen and we could walk into anywhere in shorts and flip flops.
I haven't got the energy to put into 'not looking poor' so that people don't profile us. I'm really happy to be driving a battered 16 year old car that can haul the kids and their friends and outdoor sport equipment around. I'm not having to treat it like my 4th child because it cost a lot of money, or to feel like I'm looking after it for someone else because we'd be swapping it every two years on lease.

@Buzzinwithbez most rich people I know have old Volvos

@MNChkn

And yet threads on here on social class invariably remark on the straggly, unbrushed hair and mismatched clothes of middle- and upper-middle-class children, and the more groomed appearance of WC children.

This stereotype only applies to white faces and RP English accents.

People from other countries who have lived the same life and look and do the same aren’t permitted to be posh. I once had a flatmate invite a barrister friend over to our flat in Kensington who thought I was the maid. I owned the flat. The flatmate’s friend is now a QC, and still a cunt.

This is so true and I was conscious of it in London. I made more effort in London to make sure my children were dressed ok. Now we slob around in anything because I have me ''will this matter in five years, three years, one year'' method of determining whether or not the money will be well spent or not. My accent protected me from negative pigeon holing in my home country, but in the UK it exposed me to it, I need to try to play a part. I don't bother mostly but I'm conscious that the stereotype is perceived to mean one thing when you have an RP accent and it means you're broke if you have a foreign accent!

@m0therofdragons the knob in our local Ford showroom told me to return with my husband!
I told the chauvinist that I would not be returning at all as I would be choosing my own car.

@MNChkn

And yet threads on here on social class invariably remark on the straggly, unbrushed hair and mismatched clothes of middle- and upper-middle-class children, and the more groomed appearance of WC children.

This stereotype only applies to white faces and RP English accents.

People from other countries who have lived the same life and look and do the same aren’t permitted to be posh. I once had a flatmate invite a barrister friend over to our flat in Kensington who thought I was the maid. I owned the flat. The flatmate’s friend is now a QC, and still a cunt.

Well, yes, I’m white but Irish — which for some people in the UK, particularly older white people outside of London, makes me ‘not quite white’, and presumes poverty and/or being WC — but I’m damned if I’m going to present dress myself or my child a certain way (outside of the workplace), in order to combat other people’s unpleasant xenophobic prejudices.

That’s essentially the same as putting on a fake accent.

@Oneeyeopen oh yes and they only spoke to Dh even though I do our finances and have slightly more interest in cars than Dh! Car sales are awful (except the local used car place we got a Ford Ka from as the guy there was actually really good - it was refreshing).

Same @SecretCiderCellar and the irony is that those types who judge all Irish (no matter what their particular background) as being automatically working class, they are often lower middle class. ie, they were raised knowing there was one rung beneath them goddammit! and if you're Irish, you're it sorry, even if you had riding lessons and your father was a gp. (not my background).

I like the concept of giving off a wholesome vibe!
I don't generally dress like a hippy, no, but I don't go for much in the way of grooming - hair au naturel, rarely make up unless going out out - at the time this was happening a lot my general "look" (if you could call it that) was jeans, t-shirt, baggy jumpers, riding-style boots and a "country" jacket (fake Barbour style).

@starfishmummy - that's interesting that you also got picked for a social worker! Didn't realise they had a "look" as well!

@oneeyeopen I had the same experience in a bathroom showroom. I told the female assistant that was working with the chauvanist twat that I was the main breadwinner in the family and would be taking my custom else where. DH couldn't care less about the bathroom so long as it is clean and functional and it was me that wanted to replace it. It didn't help that I was looking dishevelled and had two DC in a double buggy.

@WiseOwlOne

Same *@SecretCiderCellar* and the irony is that those types who judge all Irish (no matter what their particular background) as being automatically working class, they are often lower middle class. ie, they were raised knowing there was one rung beneath them goddammit! and if you're Irish, you're it sorry, even if you had riding lessons and your father was a gp. (not my background).

Exactly. It was after we moved to a prosperous, predominantly aspirational lower-middle-class village in the Midlands that I really lost my patience with it all.

I'm Polish and once I went to interview a local official that I haven't met before. He assumed I was a cleaner and was very embarrassed when realised his mistake. It does prove that stereotypes are not going anywhere.

Are you a single parent? People can get the wrong impression if you’re on your own with kids, or that it must be hard with only one income etc.. I wouldn’t worry about it.

I do look "poor" and I get this all the time. I do laugh on the rare occasion I travel first class on the train, some numpty will come up and say "THIS IS FIRST CLASS, YOU KNOW".

I took my Dad and various relatives out for a meal in Munich last year and decided to treat them to it - the bill came to €155. When I went to pay, the waiter said (in German) - "Everything ? Together ? Really ?" - I wanted to say "Do I look like I can't afford it?" and thought better of it.

@OneStepOut

I'm Polish and once I went to interview a local official that I haven't met before. He assumed I was a cleaner and was very embarrassed when realised his mistake. It does prove that stereotypes are not going anywhere.

That doesn't surprise me at all. Depresses me, yes, but doesn't surprise me.

Does it matter? I frequently pop to Tesco in my joggers, old trainers and my hair all over the place. I like and use expensive handbags so people probably assume they are fake. Do I care? No!! The people that know me know my bags are real and that I’m not hard up. I don’t give a monkeys what strangers think!!

Do you look younger than you are?

I don't think it would be clothes unless tarty. Often very scruffy people are quite wealthy. I can't think what.

You might be paranoid. Maybe the people who you were conversing with thought in that situation THEY would like to save money.

Before I moved to the UK I had the opposite. I grew up in a small town, with a prominent surname. Everyone assumed I had loads of money, and could afford everything, when pretty much the opposite was true! Now that I’ve lived here for a while, I’ve previously been refused the right to test-drive a car (their loss, we went elsewhere to buy our car), but if I’m honest I’d rather people assume I was broke and offer ways to save money so that I’m not overcharged, than assume I’m loaded when I’m not.

I have a healthy bank balance and until recently two income household. We are always being given deals and special offers. Even a charity shop gave us a discount we didn't ask for or need. Often I'm wearing good quality clothes too. I've no idea why it happens. We can only assume it's because we deliberate purchases because we're debating whether we need it or not, and whether things are worth the money so people assume we're debating if we can afford it. I also love a bargain.

Please tell me what you look like as I want to look like you! My ex assumes I have thousands and pays £40. Maintenance a week for 3 under 7year old children. He is also suing me for £ 3000 that he wants back after he transferred money to me while we were 'together' to pay for childs buggy and a holiday for all of us. I am expecting the bailiff next. Good luck to them. I have nothing. Haha. Seriously I want to know how to look poor!

Do you have no teeth dirty fingernails and patches on your knees?

I get this too. I was made a single parent just about a year ago, prior to this I was with a d* who paid nothing so becoming single didn’t make a huge difference... I had a local do-Gooder bringing me bags of dry food stuffs and toiletries for a good few months, once a month and despite my telling her we didn’t need it she left it anyway, assuming my turning it down was an act of pride... I gave it to other friends and neighbours as I genuinely didn’t need it and rarely feed my kids the contents of those bags, I’m not in any way “well off” but, I like to feed my kids fresh food, freshly made and rarely buy convenience foods etc... eventually the only way I could stop her was at Christmas when she appealed for xmas gifts for the less fortunate - I sent her a bag full and this seemed to let her know I didn’t need her groceries, and she stopped. It’s annoying but i think sometimes people just make an assumption. These days I think
People assume more often than not that people are strapped for cash and I think things like the dentist just want to make sure we know their charges as so many probably get the bill and think it is free and they get all sorts of problems...
It’s just the way of the world now I think.

Not quite the same, but, there is a point to it.....My late mother in law used to pester DH and me to leave London and live in Belfast near her. I found it mystifying that she didn't understand that it would be bonkers for us to do that, as it would involve giving up six figure salaries in London-based jobs not available in NI, so why on earth would we do that? Finally the penny dropped that she had no clue of any of this, and that in particular it totally didn't occur to her I was making a large amount of money because all the other women she knew earned very little. Therefore, as far as she could see, why would I be making any financial sacrifice? Point I'm making is that people make judgments based on their own experience, and don't even look at evidence in front of their eyes, or listen to what they are told! If they are used to dealing with people who are hard up, or they are hard up themselves, that is their yardstick.