Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

Wouldn't walk around with 10k jewelry on me

You sound poor.

@Doona

Wouldn't walk around with 10k jewelry on me

You sound poor.

What the fuck?

😂

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Lol. Wouldn't walk around with 10k jewelry on me😂

I guess if it is a watch that signals something to people who can tell the difference, then why not. I don't think it is a risk for mugging in this case (which is something I'd be concerned about). And I would struggle to tell real diamond earrings from Swarowski. The first picture in my head when thinking about 10K worth of jewellery was more something along the lines of the Indian wedding look, which I adore by the way... but probably not the most practical when out and about in the supermarket.

My look these days is casual but with about 10K of subtle jewellery. Even although I'm fairly poor these days I think I have an aura of well-to-do.

Just gonna sling my Nintendo Wii Supreme on a chain and wear it round my neck...

@Doona

Wouldn't walk around with 10k jewelry on me

You sound poor.

I know😁 But that means no one will try to rob me.

#lifehack

Op, I'm going to be blunt. This is why:

Usually it is jeans, sweater, trainers, jacket, rucksack. Office wear for the office. Don't have bags, don't find them comfortable. Hair in a single braid

Especially the rucksack and the braid.

However, if you don't want to change, then don't. You don't need to if you are happy. It's nobody's business how wealthy you aren't/are.

@forinborin

As a result of people assuming we're punching above our financial weight when we go round showrooms, we've got some great deals on cars, furniture etc. It's quite a good tactic. Hmm, interesting, maybe I'll turn it to my advantage in the end. How does it work, psychologically? Salespeople assume that they cannot squeeze out a high margin out of you so make a lower offer just to land a sale?

Watch this (sorry it's Bill Cosby, but it explains what you're talking about)

@GreyhoundG1rl

Who dresses in cashmere twin sets and pearls to visit the dentist? It’s not a social event 😄

Quite wasteful if you end up dribbling or bleeding on it!

@HikeForward

How do you dress?

If your clothes suit the occasion, are well made/good quality and fit well... I don’t think it’s that.

If you’re wearing jogging pants with a baggy sweater or clothes that seem faded/stained/worn/dirty then people might assume you’re struggling to afford suitable outfits or don’t have a washing machine.

Obviously not if you’re gardening, but if you go to the dentist in ‘lounge wear’ (eg baggy tunics over old leggings, hoodies, oversized sweaters, harem pants, trainers etc) they may view you differently to someone wearing tailored trousers, leather boots and cashmere cardigan?

Also people notice grooming eg hair blow dried into a flattering style, touch of make up, hands and nails well cared for (but not long neon talons), bag and shoes good quality and coordinating with your outfit, eyebrows shaped, a little bit of jewellery but not much eg a single string of pearls and ear studs as oppose to 5 studs in each ear and excessive rings.

How are your kids dressed? If they look clean, groomed, appropriately dressed for the weather, neat hair etc I don’t see how someone could think you’re in need of financial support.

And yet threads on here on social class invariably remark on the straggly, unbrushed hair and mismatched clothes of middle- and upper-middle-class children, and the more groomed appearance of WC children.

Not to mention that your ideas about coordinating shoes and bags going with your outfits and a simple string of pearls seem to come from another era. And how much grooming you think is necessary not to look poor — ‘flattering’ blow dry, discreet makeup, shaped eyebrows, well-kept hands and nails, jewellery — not to mention tailored trousers, leather boots and a cashmere cardigan for a dental visit!

"My look these days is casual but with about 10K of subtle jewellery. Even although I'm fairly poor these days"

What? What? What?

Blimey. In shock reading the description above. I always wear jeans and trainers to work, also always carry a backpack to work and I often put my hair in a loose plait. 😬
But fuck it. It's a nice backpack. It's Joop, not a canvas one.

@Gwenhwyfar

"My look these days is casual but with about 10K of subtle jewellery. Even although I'm fairly poor these days"

What? What? What?

Wow! Bet id notice. I hate cheap jewellery. Unfortunately.

@WiseOwlOne

Blimey. In shock reading the description above. I always wear jeans and trainers to work, also always carry a backpack to work and I often put my hair in a loose plait. 😬 But fuck it. It's a nice backpack. It's Joop, not a canvas one.

Someone at work wore a leather backpack that was also a laptop bag. Pretty obvious she wasn't poor. (still earned a bit less than OP though!)

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

I was once asked by a taxi driver if I wanted to be dropped off at the staff entrance of the 5* hotel I was going to (business trip).

😪 this kind of thing happens to me

Someone at work wore a leather backpack that was also a laptop bag. Pretty obvious she wasn't poor. (still earned a bit less than OP though!)
Hurray, my backpack is also leather and doubles up as a laptop case.
(does it make me more or less stylish?)
Can you people actually tell cheap jewellery from expensive without expert opinion?

"Hurray, my backpack is also leather and doubles up as a laptop case.
(does it make me more or less stylish?)"

Not necessarily stylish, but more expensive definitely.

"Can you people actually tell cheap jewellery from expensive without expert opinion?"

I can't but then I don't wear jewellery. I can still 'tell' when I see rich people in jewellery, but it might not be the actual jewellery. It's the whole look.

I can't but then I don't wear jewellery. I can still 'tell' when I see rich people in jewellery, but it might not be the actual jewellery. It's the whole look.
Yes, that's the extent of my abilities too, valuation by association.

Sounds like their idiotic prejudices then.

Unfortunately there are a lot of idiot bigots about! A friend of mine gets this I'm afraid she is a Russian born, high level, nuclear scientist ffs she's far better off than many! She always looks well turned out but as soon as people hear her accent they make stupid assumptions.

I experience it on occasion myself but from an educational/academic perspective. Certain people I come into contact with (so not friends and family) but particularly I've found civil servants and hcps assume that because I am disabled and currently unable to work that means I'm thick!

I hold 2 degrees, one of which is medical and in several of these interactions I'm fairly certain I'm more qualified and experienced than the person talking down to me!

When I point out there's no need to "dumb down" what they're saying the tone and attitude change massively - but that annoys me even more as it means they are treating others in my position just as condescendingly which is frankly disgusting!

I've even advocated for a few people on an informal basis (with their permission of course) who are (mainly as a result of previous experiences with these type of people) nervous and lacking confidence in dealing with them. The difference in how they are treated after I've done so for them is truly shocking. Shows just how widespread and deep rooted such snobbery is in the Uk I'm afraid

I'm not saying it's only the Uk that's like this but I haven't been in this position when I've lived in other countries so I don't know if it's better/worse elsewhere.

@Merryoldgoat my aunt was a forensic accountant, I've told the tale a few times on here of the chap who treated her disdainfully based on her appearance as a "mere" wee chubby, old lady...only to discover later that morning (less than an hour later) that she was the person who would be investigating his dubious accounting actions! She was a key witness at his trial!

I also have a friend who is extremely wealthy, his older brother has a title ffs! He's an "honourable" himself, he's often caked in mud or motor oil and has a regional accent associated with less well off people, many a time people have treated him poorly and then when someone has pointed out who he is (this is often after they've put him off as a potential big spending customer) they're kicking themselves!

People are idiots 🤷‍♀️

I (sometimes) dress very expensively but I still use a kiddie rucksack in the shape of a shark as my bag, when I can't be bothered to carry a handbag.

My actual handbag is v expensive, but also too heavy and just too inconvenient to carry every day, especially when I'm only going out for walks or to the supermarket.

Posh bag is for meetings, sharky is for every day. I don't care if anyone judges me I love my shark rucksack.

It’s the accent and the level of engagement.

I won’t bore you with the assumptions people made over the years. Suffice to say that after all these years, I use their assumptions as a gauge, saves me a lot of time.

I do think the accent contributed at the dentist. IME there's quite a few medical staff who assume foreigners don't understand the NHS.

As for jewellry--I have found that if I wear my good watch (a recognizably expensive brand) and bring a nice handbag, I am treated differently. (my style tends towards the utilitarian). As for shop assistants, they can and will say awful things sometimes. I was once browsing and had an assistant say they had nothing for me. It's true that none of their clothes would have fit me, but I looked her right in the eye and said "I was planning to buy a gift, but I think now I'll take my business elsewhere."

And yet threads on here on social class invariably remark on the straggly, unbrushed hair and mismatched clothes of middle- and upper-middle-class children, and the more groomed appearance of WC children.

This stereotype only applies to white faces and RP English accents.

People from other countries who have lived the same life and look and do the same aren’t permitted to be posh. I once had a flatmate invite a barrister friend over to our flat in Kensington who thought I was the maid. I owned the flat. The flatmate’s friend is now a QC, and still a cunt.

This has been a fascinating thread.

I’m quite scruffy by nature and I deliberately cultivate a look to carry off my low maintenance life style without looking poor.

So, for instance, instead of trainers, tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt, I’d wear comfy linen trousers, flat shoes and loose t-shirt shape top. The level of comfort is the similar. But it takes a lot more money and personal grooming to carry off sportswear.

I basically agree with the posters who said you need to spend certain amounts of money on particular items, or wear expensive jewellery. Except that I buy most of my clothes in charity shops at a fraction of those prices and let someone else pay the initial outlay. I don’t wear flashy jewellery - just my wedding and engagement ring and a small discreet pendant. I’ve worn them all for years so cost per wear is pennies. The only clothing I buy new are jeans and footwear and I always wait for sales.

I’m not remotely fashion conscious, but I’ve found the putting me together blog helpful for learning how to pull a look together, and to a lesser extent the (free) tips from adore your wardrobe for figuring out my general style.

I keep my wardrobe minimal in a simple colour palette so that most things go together. And more importantly, that my coat always looks like it goes with the rest of what I’m wearing.

It’s absolutely shallow stuff but my reasons for not wanting to appear to be vulnerable aren’t.

Can you people actually tell cheap jewellery from expensive without expert opinion?

The flashier it is the more likely you are to question whether it’s real.