Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

552 replies

forinborin · 04/04/2021 10:57

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

OP posts:
applesandpears33 · 04/04/2021 18:48

In the past, I noticed I was treated very differently by shop assistants depending on whether I was wearing my work clothes (smart suit and well cut coat in the winter) or non work clothes (casual clothes that could all go in the washing machine due to a baby that was constantly bringing up milk). I also looked younger than I was and got similar comments from shop assistants. We were looking to redo part of our house and were directed towards cheaper flooring, kitchen units etc. More children, less sleep and weight gain mean I no longer look younger than I am. I probably look middle aged and dishevelled. People don't assume I'm broke though.

DaisyDreaming · 04/04/2021 18:51

With the eggs this Easter nearly all my friends are struggling money wise this year, it’s been the toughest year income wise for most people.

I bet the dentist clarifies that with all new clients, they probably had people register and think that they qualified for nhs funding only to find out they didn’t

PrtScn · 04/04/2021 18:56

God, I’m glad I don’t care about things like this. I quite often wander around looking like a total slob. Never experienced anyone thinking I’m poor though.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/04/2021 19:04

Yesterday I gardened in fluffy pjs. They were to go to the wash and I was lazy to change to joggers.
#runoutoffucks

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/04/2021 19:05

I had to google what jodhurs are😳

CricketClub · 04/04/2021 19:25

[quote bluebellscorner]@forinborin I was raised by a single mother (on an ok income, we never struggled but had to think carefully about spending)

My mother was always concerned that people would assume we were struggling because there wasn’t a husband around so it was important to her that we all look well presented. I think it worked, if at all people tended to assume we were better off than we were.

These were her simple rules for looking put together on a budget:

  • the clothes you wear always have to be 100% crisp and clean
  • iron pretty much everything, just a simple t shirt looks so much nicer if it is well ironed, and it’s a must for shirts, dresses etc
  • brush / lint roll your outerwear!! Gently steam out creases (hang it in your bathroom while you shower) or press with iron through a towel.
  • always hang coats etc on hangers
  • shoe care: clean your shoes every day with a brush and some polish, use a shoe tree so they keep their shape, take them to the cobblers regularly for new soles and heels, worn shoes look trashy even if they are expensive
  • mend your clothes: replace missing buttons, stitch up small holes and so on, never leave your house with messy clothes

Keeping hair and nails neat and clean takes some effort but is essential[/quote]
I agree with all of the above.
I am not well off at all but wear clean uncomplicated clothes in natural fibres (cotton, linen, wool) I do not wear designer clothes and I wear minimal makeup.
I have a nondescript accent & I talk slowly and quietly.
It's interesting what you say about weight WalkinginMemphis2 because I am not at all thin but I must give off a 'well to do' vibe because I have the opposite problem to the OP.
People seem surprised when they find out how ordinary my life is.

CricketClub · 04/04/2021 19:29

La Bellina: I once asked a friend why that is and she said it’s your posture and the way you dress. Apparently I look very confident and my taste in clothing is quite classic and understated.

This! Definitely!

Roodicus21 · 04/04/2021 19:50

Based on what you've said it's likely to be a combination of how you present, your self confidence and the fact that you're foreign. It's sad but others will make first impressions.

A good friend of mine is Eastern European and is a successful accountant and her dh is black African and a professor at a top world university. She wears the same jeans day in day out and a t-shirt, especially now working from home. She's fairly confident and doesn't give a shit what others think of her. When in office it will be a simple shirt. To see them on the street on a normal day others might assume they're low paid workers but in fact they have a 1mill house.

I think you should work on your confidence levels. You sound like you're a highly intelligent and successful woman, raising children on your own. Own it and be proud and fuck everyone else!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/04/2021 20:07

I agree that confidence is very important. You could be wearing potato sack but if you are confident enough it will not be poverty, but a fashion statement...
I think that's one of the reasons I never got bullied as morbidly obese as well. Though that might have been that they worrried I might eat them🤷🏻

Cam2020 · 04/04/2021 20:47

What brands would they be then? confused

I'm sat in a pair of scruffy old Nike tracksuit bottoms and a Primark t-shirt and have been to the shops dressed like this too with my beaten up old trainers on.

DH, well, he's sat here looking like he got dressed with a blindfold on and had mittens taped to his hands. Honest to god if you saw him outside you'd assume, well I don't know what you'd assume actually, he looks like a hobo.

Sorry, I know this comment was pages back, but this has done me in @VerityWibbleWobble 😂

tf23 · 04/04/2021 21:03

My husband and I are lucky enough to be well off. If you lined 100 people up, you'd probably pick us as the least well off. We're usually in jeans and old trainers and tops.

As a result of people assuming we're punching above our financial weight when we go round showrooms, we've got some great deals on cars, furniture etc. It's quite a good tactic.

forinborin · 04/04/2021 21:12

As a result of people assuming we're punching above our financial weight when we go round showrooms, we've got some great deals on cars, furniture etc. It's quite a good tactic.
Hmm, interesting, maybe I'll turn it to my advantage in the end. How does it work, psychologically? Salespeople assume that they cannot squeeze out a high margin out of you so make a lower offer just to land a sale?

OP posts:
forinborin · 04/04/2021 21:13

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Yesterday I gardened in fluffy pjs. They were to go to the wash and I was lazy to change to joggers. #runoutoffucks
I can't even start describing my gardening outfits, too ashamed.
OP posts:
tf23 · 04/04/2021 21:17

I think sales people take one look at our scruffy appearances and assume we can't afford to pay full price so offer us a good discount. Not everyone bothers to dress up to the nines to visit a showroom. It's worked well for us over the years.

Bluntly, the reverse is true for people that come to our house to quote so I guess it evens out.

HikeForward · 04/04/2021 21:17

How do you dress?

If your clothes suit the occasion, are well made/good quality and fit well... I don’t think it’s that.

If you’re wearing jogging pants with a baggy sweater or clothes that seem faded/stained/worn/dirty then people might assume you’re struggling to afford suitable outfits or don’t have a washing machine.

Obviously not if you’re gardening, but if you go to the dentist in ‘lounge wear’ (eg baggy tunics over old leggings, hoodies, oversized sweaters, harem pants, trainers etc) they may view you differently to someone wearing tailored trousers, leather boots and cashmere cardigan?

Also people notice grooming eg hair blow dried into a flattering style, touch of make up, hands and nails well cared for (but not long neon talons), bag and shoes good quality and coordinating with your outfit, eyebrows shaped, a little bit of jewellery but not much eg a single string of pearls and ear studs as oppose to 5 studs in each ear and excessive rings.

How are your kids dressed? If they look clean, groomed, appropriately dressed for the weather, neat hair etc I don’t see how someone could think you’re in need of financial support.

womaninatightspot · 04/04/2021 21:28

I have the opposite problem and people often assume I'm wealthy. Even when I was a young student, shop staff were deferential when my mates would go in the same stores and have security stalking them. My look these days is casual but with about 10K of subtle jewellery. Even although I'm fairly poor these days I think I have an aura of well-to-do.

GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 21:28

Who dresses in cashmere twin sets and pearls to visit the dentist? It’s not a social event 😄

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 04/04/2021 21:30

I was once asked by a taxi driver if I wanted to be dropped off at the staff entrance of the 5* hotel I was going to (business trip).

forinborin · 04/04/2021 21:35

@HikeForward

How do you dress?

If your clothes suit the occasion, are well made/good quality and fit well... I don’t think it’s that.

If you’re wearing jogging pants with a baggy sweater or clothes that seem faded/stained/worn/dirty then people might assume you’re struggling to afford suitable outfits or don’t have a washing machine.

Obviously not if you’re gardening, but if you go to the dentist in ‘lounge wear’ (eg baggy tunics over old leggings, hoodies, oversized sweaters, harem pants, trainers etc) they may view you differently to someone wearing tailored trousers, leather boots and cashmere cardigan?

Also people notice grooming eg hair blow dried into a flattering style, touch of make up, hands and nails well cared for (but not long neon talons), bag and shoes good quality and coordinating with your outfit, eyebrows shaped, a little bit of jewellery but not much eg a single string of pearls and ear studs as oppose to 5 studs in each ear and excessive rings.

How are your kids dressed? If they look clean, groomed, appropriately dressed for the weather, neat hair etc I don’t see how someone could think you’re in need of financial support.

I don't wear jewellery at all unless it is some sort of a festive occasion. Usually it is jeans, sweater, trainers, jacket, rucksack. Office wear for the office. Don't have bags, don't find them comfortable. Hair in a single braid, don't do hairstyles or blow drys. Gosh, I am boring. The children are sometimes disheveled Blush
OP posts:
babbi · 04/04/2021 21:36

Amused at much of this thread OP!
My ex is a notorious skinflint ( think clothes virtually hanging by the thread and still wearing them ) . I do try harder now but admit I also did wear any old cheap stuff that fitted about 20 years ago .
Ex and I went into an estate agent overseas to look for a holiday apartment. One employee took one (eye rolling) look at us and carried on being “busy “ with the paperwork on his desk .
Employee no 2 finished his phone call and asked if he could help .
We explained we were cash buyers who were interested in an apartment in X building and we understood they had the listing .
Deal was done within 2 hours ..!

Ex couldn’t believe employee no 1 hadn’t engaged with us and therefore lost out on commission. God bless him , he had no idea that he looked like he would struggle to buy lunch that day !! I probably didn’t look much better to be fair 🙄

Not suggesting that you look anything like as scruffy as that of course !!

But appearances would seem to count for a lot .

forinborin · 04/04/2021 21:40

@womaninatightspot

I have the opposite problem and people often assume I'm wealthy. Even when I was a young student, shop staff were deferential when my mates would go in the same stores and have security stalking them. My look these days is casual but with about 10K of subtle jewellery. Even although I'm fairly poor these days I think I have an aura of well-to-do.
Oh wow, I am not even sure I have £100 worth of jewellery, never mind 10K. I can see why people make assumptions in this case. I have a friend who is always assumed to be much wealthier than she is. It is quite unpleasant for her as well, she had situations where she had to explain that certain things are out of her budget - and wasn't even sure salespeople believed her!
OP posts:
VerityWibbleWobble · 04/04/2021 21:44

@HikeForward

How do you dress?

If your clothes suit the occasion, are well made/good quality and fit well... I don’t think it’s that.

If you’re wearing jogging pants with a baggy sweater or clothes that seem faded/stained/worn/dirty then people might assume you’re struggling to afford suitable outfits or don’t have a washing machine.

Obviously not if you’re gardening, but if you go to the dentist in ‘lounge wear’ (eg baggy tunics over old leggings, hoodies, oversized sweaters, harem pants, trainers etc) they may view you differently to someone wearing tailored trousers, leather boots and cashmere cardigan?

Also people notice grooming eg hair blow dried into a flattering style, touch of make up, hands and nails well cared for (but not long neon talons), bag and shoes good quality and coordinating with your outfit, eyebrows shaped, a little bit of jewellery but not much eg a single string of pearls and ear studs as oppose to 5 studs in each ear and excessive rings.

How are your kids dressed? If they look clean, groomed, appropriately dressed for the weather, neat hair etc I don’t see how someone could think you’re in need of financial support.

I can't stop laughing at this ridiculous idea of what constitutes refined. Just stop it before I expire 😂
womaninatightspot · 04/04/2021 22:00

Expensive watch and a pair of diamond studs ( both gifts) is all it takes. :)

GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 22:01

@womaninatightspot

Expensive watch and a pair of diamond studs ( both gifts) is all it takes. :)
I'm pretty sure it isn't.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/04/2021 22:05

Lol. Wouldn't walk around with 10k jewelry on me😂