Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

As in - "ah, by the way, my uncle is 70 and wants a wife under 40, anyone back home who you think would be interested?"
Ignorant buffoons. Plenty about, sadly.

I have a dirty sense of humour so I giggled at the net and "lucky to be brought to UK" but the uncle thing is just step too far👀

We have horrible immigration humour at home being one EE and one ME but that uncle is toouch even for us

@forinborin I was raised by a single mother (on an ok income, we never struggled but had to think carefully about spending)

My mother was always concerned that people would assume we were struggling because there wasn’t a husband around so it was important to her that we all look well presented. I think it worked, if at all people tended to assume we were better off than we were.

These were her simple rules for looking put together on a budget:

• the clothes you wear always have to be 100% crisp and clean
• iron pretty much everything, just a simple t shirt looks so much nicer if it is well ironed, and it’s a must for shirts, dresses etc
• brush / lint roll your outerwear!! Gently steam out creases (hang it in your bathroom while you shower) or press with iron through a towel.
• always hang coats etc on hangers
• shoe care: clean your shoes every day with a brush and some polish, use a shoe tree so they keep their shape, take them to the cobblers regularly for new soles and heels, worn shoes look trashy even if they are expensive
• mend your clothes: replace missing buttons, stitch up small holes and so on, never leave your house with messy clothes

Keeping hair and nails neat and clean takes some effort but is essential

@Lordamighty

I was once outside my, reasonably large, house picking up litter. I was wearing jeans, a blue fleece & had one of those grab handle thingys. I got chatting to a passerby & we were discussing the general awfulness of littering. When she realised that I lived there she said “when I saw you I said to myself, that’s someone who is paying back to the community”. That’s right, she thought I was was doing community service for some low level crime I’d committed.

Wow, that is breath taking! The holes people put you in to with so little information.

I used to get the "Aren't you lucky" too. Especially as in those years I worked in a customer-facing role and got to talk to a lot of people every day. Again, depending who was asking, it was either smile and nod , or make a wee joke about it, or briefly explain that actually nobody brought me here, I paid for everything myself, as I had always done, and that I used to have a much better job/position in my country but hey, the things one does for love etc etc These days I have a middle-age-bitch-resting-face so no one asks me these things any more

I’m not smart looking when at home and had been in my new posh house for a couple of weeks. My daughter had broken her mop and asked me to bring mine round for her to borrow - a neighbour saw me putting it in the boot and now they all apparently have me down as a cleaner! I’m actually a lawyer 🤷‍♀️

@bluebellscorner
Thank you. This is so far from my usual routine of wardrobe care, I don't even know where to start.
Probably what gave me a little nudge this time is that it started to concern the children, not only myself - I don't care that much about what people think about me. But for the children, now I, as your mum, am afraid they'd be judged and treated accordingly. The Year of Quarantine had allowed me to relax too much, probably.

I had this when pregnant. I opted to go private and the consultant kept on assuring me that I would get fine care on the nhs. He said it so many times it got a bit odd. We'd just spent thousands on ivf so the private birth was a bit of a drop in the ocean. I did look a state when pregnant during a heatwave so I put it down to that. (Not saying you look a state but that is what I put it down to in my case. )

So really you know why people think you might be struggling financially- it's that you put no effort into your appearance.

I've read lots if posts where posters say if they wash their face and brush their hair then they're good to go.

Realistically, people will form a snap judgment on you based on how you present yourself. As this thread shows, they're often wrong. But if you want people to think you are a certain type of person you need to present yourself in that way. The question you seem to be really asking is; "How can I look polished, and like the competent professional that I am?"

The question you seem to be really asking is; "How can I look polished, and like the competent professional that I am?"
Well... Ideally, "how can I still put little effort into my appearance but look eccentric rather than poor?"
But I guess the answer to that is obvious.

"how can I still put little effort into my appearance but look eccentric rather than poor?"

I've just talked about this with my DH few days ago😂 We have a ruch friend who is quite eccentric. If he were poor he would just be a plain old weirdo😂
He could come with messy hair and no shave and still give out the "right" vibes. I think it was that he had well fitted clothes, always clean and much tidier than his hair.

@Bluntness100 you would be surprised at how many high earners live pay cheque to pay cheque. A friend of mine is a partner in a law firm. After the financial crash of 2008, his firm (he wasn't a partner then) got rid of 80 admin staff and about 20 solicitors. Other staff were asked to take 6 weeks unpaid leave or they could be at risk of losing their jobs. My friend volunteered to do this as he could afford to - he's never been in to conspicuous wealth and his children went to state schools. However, a lot of his colleagues had big flashy houses, big flashy cars, and kids at private school. They literally had no money left at the end of a month. Many people up their lifestyle with every pay rise!

To be entirely honest op I tend to agree with bluebellscorner's philosophy although have never been poor, essentials:

Well cut, always clean hair
Tidy and immaculately clean nails and hands
Pristine hygiene
Ironed clothes - no buttons missing, always brushed
Shoes always clean and polished
Hang things properly so they retain shape
Whites must be white and bright

I don't care if I'm only gardening- things must be clean, ironed and mended.

I don't care if I'm only gardening- things must be clean, ironed and mended.
You must just waft about picking pretty flowers then, rather than actual gardening.

I'm a single parent of 3 and I've had people surprised at the house that I can afford. It is a nice house but I have the equity from a house move from London and an ex who is dependable with Child Maintenance so I don't struggle with housing costs.

I've been to Parents Evening and seen teachers look shocked when they know my kids are from a single parent household. (Admittedly these are younger teachers who might not have the life experience to know that kids like mine can be happy and problem-free)

I was ill with a virus and had been to the drs on a week day. I normally work. I looked a right mess. I walked through the town I live to get my prescription and got stopped by a charity person. Explained cldnt stop and he said dont worry I am not after your benefits. I gave him a bit of a mouthful and said he shld never judge someone even if on benefits or not.

[quote forinborin]@bluebellscorner
Thank you. This is so far from my usual routine of wardrobe care, I don't even know where to start.
Probably what gave me a little nudge this time is that it started to concern the children, not only myself - I don't care that much about what people think about me. But for the children, now I, as your mum, am afraid they'd be judged and treated accordingly. The Year of Quarantine had allowed me to relax too much, probably.[/quote]
It’s been a difficult year indeed, I think relaxing a bit has been necessary to get through it all...

If your children are school aged, they might be able to do some of the clothes care themselves? Brushing and polishing their shoes is definitely a daily task that they could do, one of those sponges from the cobblers are easy to use. Ditto hanging their clothes on hangers and giving their coats and knitwear a go with a lint roller every now and then. Life skills!

I don't stay clean @GreyhoundG1rl but I start clean. Lots of weeding and digging and planting, pruning, spraying, etc.

[quote bluebellscorner]@forinborin I was raised by a single mother (on an ok income, we never struggled but had to think carefully about spending)

My mother was always concerned that people would assume we were struggling because there wasn’t a husband around so it was important to her that we all look well presented. I think it worked, if at all people tended to assume we were better off than we were.

These were her simple rules for looking put together on a budget:

• the clothes you wear always have to be 100% crisp and clean
• iron pretty much everything, just a simple t shirt looks so much nicer if it is well ironed, and it’s a must for shirts, dresses etc
• brush / lint roll your outerwear!! Gently steam out creases (hang it in your bathroom while you shower) or press with iron through a towel.
• always hang coats etc on hangers
• shoe care: clean your shoes every day with a brush and some polish, use a shoe tree so they keep their shape, take them to the cobblers regularly for new soles and heels, worn shoes look trashy even if they are expensive
• mend your clothes: replace missing buttons, stitch up small holes and so on, never leave your house with messy clothes

Keeping hair and nails neat and clean takes some effort but is essential[/quote]
But many people would view that as 'There's a family trying visibly hard not to be seen as "struggling"', rather than 'There is a prosperous family'.

I recognise exactly the same tendencies in my own grandmother (after her husband died and left her with three small children) and my mother -- even the vocabulary you use '('trashy' worn heels) suggests social insecurity, like theirs. My grandmother skimped on the children's food to buy them 'respectable' clothes for school and church.

My mother cannot to this day, ever be in public looking even very slightly dirty or untidy, even in some situation where that would be perfectly legitimate like having a small amount of mud on the bottoms of her trousers from walking the dog in fields in wet, muddy weather for fear of being judged. @RosesAndHellebores sounds similar, if she feels the need to wear pristine, ironed clothes when gardening in her own garden.

I would view that level of investment in a 'pristine' appearance as a sign of huge social insecurity and an acute fear of being wrongly 'socially placed'.

Though I suppose it depends on what kind of class environment you're trying to fit into sartorially. The Middleton family attracted some covert sneers in a Tatler article about the girls' school days, from other Marlborough parents who noted their pristine uniforms and equipment and clearly saw it as 'try hard'.

Mud on your trousers is fine. Manure on your jodhpurs is fine. But they need to be clean on.

@RosesAndHellebores

Mud on your trousers is fine. Manure on your jodhpurs is fine. But they need to be clean on.

Why? How far into your gardening session would you feel it’s appropriate to have mud in your trousers?

I'm trying to look a bit more groomed too, instead of my usual "dragged through a hedge backwards" appearance. I find that wearing small expensive-looking stud earrings all the time helps a bit.

Roses you're coming across as a little too try hard.

Why on gods earth would you need to wear clean clothes in the garden to prune and dig? Just wear the clothes you had on the day before if they're appropriate slobbing wear and then sling them in the wash when you're done.

@RosesAndHellebores

Mud on your trousers is fine. Manure on your jodhpurs is fine. But they need to be clean on.

Why? If someone sees you gardening, or mucking out in the muddy trousers or horse-shitty jodhpurs, what they will see is just someone wearing dirty garments while engaged in an activity that contextualises the dirt. They're not going to know by looking whether said garments were put on clean that day or not.

You’re coming across as incredibly insecure rather than happy in your own skin because you know who you are, Roses
The name dropping of designer labels isn’t helping either... You’ll be impressing far fewer people than you imagine, I’ll bet.