Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

I get similar, I look young. Don't wear much makeup, although I don't dress bad but I get followed round in shops by security guards🙂

@Needahand42

Do you live in a 'poorer' town/city? I find that makes a huge difference, colleagues of mine who live in my local fairly poor town often assume you're poor when they speak to you, offering second hand stuff, shop staff pointing out the cost of stuff or special offers. If I then drive to my nearest city under an hour away which is a bit 'richer' you get treated totally differently without changing your own look or anything, they'll happily fleece you 😂

There's definitely something in that. When I worked briefly in the south of England, those of us not from there were given a bit of a talk about how some people in the south have a lot of money and not to feel guilty about trying to upsell to them.

This reminded me of a couple of things. Many years ago DH and I had just moved house and were in the middle of decorating. I popped out to the local GP to register (I looked an absolute mess - covered in paint, that sort of thing) and the receptionist grilled me about what sort of benefits I was on (nothing, never have been).

The second one was a few years later when a local artist was exhibiting at a local gallery. I booked tickets for DH and I and we went, dressed in jeans, T shirts etc. Everyone else in the gallery was dressed up to the nines, sipping cocktails, "hello daaahling" - you get the picture. DH and I looked around, bought the most expensive picture there, and left. The look on those peoples' faces was priceless, and we roared with laughter.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

@WiseOwlOne

Are you a single parent? if so, that will explain it. Society can't fathom that you can fund a household on your own without a man. I've had similar things. At the dentist once, a married woman I know who was in waiting room said to me ''I wish I got free dentistry''. Wow. I was paying. Another time i was given a letter to give to my landlord. Ha! When my DC move out they'll finally grasp, ah, you have money from your job Not everybody of course but there are some very old fashioned people out there who see everything through a very very old fashioned and misogynist lens.

Oh yes, I am very familiar with the "single mother discount". But it usually goes in the opposite direction, no? People assume that "the government" will just throw money at you because you are a single parent, and there's some sort of unjustified enrichment going on. I had people telling me that their taxes are paying for my mortgage, as there's apparently a specific benefit for it which I must be getting as a single parent. Me denying any knowledge of it just got them insisting that that's exactly what is happening behind the scenes at the bank, I just don't understand how it all works as I never have to worry about the money, the government sorts it out for me.

OP, I am a bit in your situation, and I usually assume it's the Easter European accent and looks (I am not a single parent though). I had the shocked looks when I mentioned we were moving to a certain "naice" area and then got "ah, your DH is local, he's not from .... is he?" Yes, he is born in this country, so what? I still earn more than he does When meeting someone for the first time and chat a bit I often get the confused looks and then "oh, wow you sound so well-educated!" or something like this Yes, I am well-educated and so are my parents and grandparents and the rest of my family, why wouldn't we be? I had people asking me about certain benefits with the "you would know everything about them" and I had to explain that I don't, as we do not qualify for any of them. I had people pointing out the price of the blueberries or the cherries to me ( it is funny that in my country, during the early summer season cherries are actually very cheap and I used to buy 1 kilo at a time), how much Jarlsberg cheese costs and I might want to buy some cheddar instead (???) . Or the direct "Oh, you don't look you are from .... " (the name of the country I come from). I just learnt just to smile and give a little explanation, or just nod or say " thank you" or "no thanks", depending on who's talking to me.

"Medical - I'm not particularly price sensitive on this, or how many zeros"

That's asking for being fleeced.

Strange...I’m genuinely fairly poor but have never had any comments like this. Was also a young mum. The only comments I ever get it I don’t look old enough to have teenagers. I never wear make up, usually live in jeans and hoodies....

I do in no way want to comment on you because I don’t know you but just a little personal experience.....I have a professional job I’m aware that compared to many I/we are well off, and prior to having first DC was always well turned out and very slim.

After DC I put on A LOT of weight, they were demanding and I lost my way, hair never looked great, it’s crazy and unruly and needs to be ‘done’ considerably to look ok, and I couldn’t keep up with having it coloured every 8 weeks. I didn’t wear scruffy clothes as such but wore a lot of plain dark colours from reasonably priced stores as I knew I didn’t want to stay overweight but I suppose they definitely weren’t stylish.

When I started to go back out and about I experienced much of what you have, and in few instances what can only be described as disgust and pity, and felt very uncomfortable in places I wouldn’t have thought twice about going in.

I was even talking to one Mum acquaintance about houses/moving and when DC was about 18 months (bear in mind I used to work in the property/mortgage industry in a senior position - which although she didn’t know me then she knew) and her condescending tone was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. She was recommending I have a look at some little new builds near her (I live in a very lovely 5 bed Victorian terrace worth considerably more than a little new build and I worked damn hard for it) and basically talking to me as if I was thick/12.

I’ve lost all the weight and more now, have a decent hair cut and have dug out all my pre baby clothes and I can tell you it’s a very different story!

I had a friend who worked as a sales asst in a very upscale Rodeo Drive boutique back in the 80s. She said they could always tell by a person's shoes if they could 'afford' to shop there. Nowadays I don't think that would necessarily be an accurate 'marker' as even some of the wealthiest people go around in 'well broken in' shoes.

I think nowadays here (US) it's more how one 'carries' oneself. But yes, certain accents (foreign or 'domestic') would probably have some sales assistants look askance. It's a damned shame.

"Everyone else in the gallery was dressed up to the nines, sipping cocktails, "hello daaahling" - you get the picture. DH and I looked around, bought the most expensive picture there, and left. The look on those peoples' faces was priceless, and we roared with laughter.

Don't judge a book by its cover."

I actually thought that in places like that, the more dressed up people would be the poorer ones. I remember Sue Townsfield talking about her family overdressing when she had some kind of an event.

"Aaaaargh but why, why, what's wrong with pastel colours? Could someone enlightened explain please? I even have pastel (mauve) coloured trainers, I am not wearing them often as not very practical - only during dry summer days."

It's bizarre, isn't it? And really annoying! In my case I'm on the shorter side so I don't know if people read me as younger at a glance. (Your mauve trainers sound lovely btw!)

Yes @WalkinginMemphis2 I am now at that overweight stage as you were. Even not technically overweight on paper (when it comes to the BMI), but all flabby and shapeless. I know exactly the feeling you describe, of being uncomfortable in some places which you never thought twice about before.
It's a real shame that women judge other women on the appearance so much.

When meeting someone for the first time and chat a bit I often get the confused looks and then "oh, wow you sound so well-educated!" or something like this Yes, I am well-educated and so are my parents and grandparents and the rest of my family, why wouldn't we be?
Yes, the Great British class system vs immigrants is a separate fascinating topic. I had very similar experiences to you. Even if you are working in a skilled role here, it is still automatically assumed by many that you lack broader education. You were just taught to press the right buttons at the right time, but otherwise pretty much a glorified manual worker.

My children all at very high end public and prep schools
On scholarships (absolutely no chance I could afford!)

I have never ever never even got the slightest whiff that I am being judged negatively as I rock up in my 12 year old estate and first in line at second hand shop.

I am confident, good at public speaking and, as woman in her mid forties who has experienced a lot in life, sure of myself.

True. I was actually quite amused when, at the beginning of our relationship, people kept asked me if I met DH "on the internet". Errr no, actually we met while I was at Uni, studying for my post-grad degree ( in a different country, not mine, not his)

@Itawapuddytat

True. I was actually quite amused when, at the beginning of our relationship, people kept asked me if I met DH "on the internet". Errr no, actually we met while I was at Uni, studying for my post-grad degree ( in a different country, not mine, not his)

To be fair, my sister, single, was telling me last night that everyone assumes that now as the advent of dating apps has transformed the dating landscape. And in many cases - it’s the truth

I actually thought that in places like that, the more dressed up people would be the poorer ones. I remember Sue Townsfield talking about her family overdressing when she had some kind of an event.
That's my impression as well, that there will be a certain crowd which is there just to socialise / self-promote. A friend is a (niche) artist, and it was more or less what she explained to me (she exhibited only a few times in Britain though, she's more continental - maybe things are different here). That after some time she even started noticing the same faces who were attending clearly for reasons other than purely art appreciation - they never ever even said a word to her apart from a brief hello. She thinks it is a popular husband hunting ground too. But her agent sends the invitations out, she's not very much involved in the process, there must be a reason for it.

I don’t think you’re overthinking this - it does seem like these people are jumping to conclusions based on your accent, and they really shouldn’t.
PP seem to have missed the point that at the dentist, you had already explained that you understood the fee schedule and they still kept on about it not being free. Maybe they thought you didn’t understand, which is equally annoying!
Never in my life have I been offered a cheaper option on the menu, or directed to a cheaper shop. I do think these people are stereotyping you as a poor forriner, and I wish people wouldn’t do this - it’s disrespectful.

Medical - I'm not particularly price sensitive on this, or how many zeros
What? . Why would you give anybody carte blanche to charge what they feel like?
Mind you, I'm unsure what you mean by "medical" expenses.
I assume you mean voluntary, cosmetic procedures?

@Itawapuddytat

True. I was actually quite amused when, at the beginning of our relationship, people kept asked me if I met DH "on the internet". Errr no, actually we met while I was at Uni, studying for my post-grad degree ( in a different country, not mine, not his)

Yes, same. My exH is British, and the number of times I heard "aren't you lucky he brought you to Britain"! He actually didn't, we met here, at work, both working at the same level. But, to be fair, the mail-order bride is also a common story, so it is understandable why people are nosy.

To be fair, my sister, single, was telling me last night that everyone assumes that now as the advent of dating apps has transformed the dating landscape. And in many cases - it’s the truth

Ach, this happened many years ago, in the 'good old days' of yahoo messenger, internet cafes, when all the mobile phones had buttons and no access to internet and before the dating apps, actually before any apps

Yes, same. My exH is British, and the number of times I heard "aren't you lucky he brought you to Britain"!
The real issue is that you seem to surround yourself with staggeringly rude people, op. That kind of intrusive ignorance is hardly the norm.

I was once outside my, reasonably large, house picking up litter. I was wearing jeans, a blue fleece & had one of those grab handle thingys. I got chatting to a passerby & we were discussing the general awfulness of littering. When she realised that I lived there she said “when I saw you I said to myself, that’s someone who is paying back to the community”. That’s right, she thought I was was doing community service for some low level crime I’d committed.

PP seem to have missed the point that at the dentist, you had already explained that you understood the fee schedule and they still kept on about it not being free. Maybe they thought you didn’t understand, which is equally annoying!

No. It's because people nod and say "Yes" even though it all went one ear in, second ear out. There is a reason why some restaurants triple check orders😂
Good chance they had 3 people every week flipping in there claiming they weren't told.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Yes, same. My exH is British, and the number of times I heard "aren't you lucky he brought you to Britain"! The real issue is that you seem to surround yourself with staggeringly rude people, op. That kind of intrusive ignorance is hardly the norm.

I am probably much more sensitive than the norm too, in all honesty. But I heard similar addressed to other people as well. I had a colleague from the Phillipines who had similar things said to her in broad daylight, out of the blue, in the middle of a professional conversation. As in - "ah, by the way, my uncle is 70 and wants a wife under 40, anyone back home who you think would be interested?"