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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

552 replies

forinborin · 04/04/2021 10:57

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

OP posts:
EasterChick98 · 04/04/2021 14:54

I used to work at a supermarket and we were told to point out how expensive the cherries were once they'd been weighed. As many people didn't realise and then they'd complain afterwards at customer services. Some people would get really offended but it wasn't personal.

Just to explain the restaurant one at least. Can't help with the others!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/04/2021 14:55

@cerealgamechanger

I'm actually offended at the people asking if it's because you're foreign. That's disgusting. Most of the foreign people I've met have more money than I can ever dream of having and I'm a child of immigrants born and raised in this country.

Op, based on what you've described, I think it's because of grooming (or lack of, in your case). Get yourself down to one of the big department stores after lockdown and make use of their personal shopper services.

I am foreign and I don't think it's disgusting. It's quite a reality.

Like when people hear an accent and start talking to you sloooowly and loudly😂

It's just how it is. And if your accent is Eastern European or the like, it's even worse and you are presumed to be poor and Polish (not polish because you are poor! But because that's often the only country some people can think of between Westen Europe and Russia)

forinborin · 04/04/2021 14:57

I'm actually offended at the people asking if it's because you're foreign. That's disgusting. Most of the foreign people I've met have more money than I can ever dream of having and I'm a child of immigrants born and raised in this country.
Yes, I don't think it is directly because I am foreign. I lived here for long enough to know what are the comments that people make because you're foreign, it is not the case here.
Could be indirectly relevant as in there's no more common class markers (like the private school accent etc) that people can use. So must be the general scruffiness.

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 04/04/2021 14:57

I used to get followed around our local shop all the time.
When one of my friends started working there she said it was because I looked like a hippy.
I usually get told that you can tell I’m arty.

It will be daily mail readers op.

forinborin · 04/04/2021 15:01

It's just how it is. And if your accent is Eastern European or the like, it's even worse and you are presumed to be poor and Polish (not polish because you are poor! But because that's often the only country some people can think of between Westen Europe and Russia)
Yes, Eastern European (not Polish, but, of course, hard to explain, so just nod now).

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/04/2021 15:04

I think you hit it on the head with the class markers btw. We often don't have any so confuse people because they don't know which box to stuff us into🤔 Maybe that explains some of the wxperiences (the rest are just precautions because of moaning customers)

forinborin · 04/04/2021 15:04

@EasterChick98

I used to work at a supermarket and we were told to point out how expensive the cherries were once they'd been weighed. As many people didn't realise and then they'd complain afterwards at customer services. Some people would get really offended but it wasn't personal.

Just to explain the restaurant one at least. Can't help with the others!

Yes, I realised that I probably overthought the retail / restaurant ones. Thank you!
OP posts:
HowManyToes · 04/04/2021 15:05

I think the dentist and restaurant are easily explained, they’ve probably had issues with previous customers and now point it out at the beginning to avoid problems later. I think your neighbour insinuating you’ve got no money to buy Easter eggs is really fucking cheeky tho!

forinborin · 04/04/2021 15:08

@Reinventinganna

I used to get followed around our local shop all the time. When one of my friends started working there she said it was because I looked like a hippy. I usually get told that you can tell I’m arty.

It will be daily mail readers op.

Thinking of that, yes, "arty" is a look. But I would really struggle to differentiate between an arty person backed by a family trust fund and an arty person backed by nothing and having to resort to shoplifting. I would probably make a very bad retail salesperson.
OP posts:
Needahand42 · 04/04/2021 15:13

Do you live in a 'poorer' town/city? I find that makes a huge difference, colleagues of mine who live in my local fairly poor town often assume you're poor when they speak to you, offering second hand stuff, shop staff pointing out the cost of stuff or special offers. If I then drive to my nearest city under an hour away which is a bit 'richer' you get treated totally differently without changing your own look or anything, they'll happily fleece you 😂

HowManyToes · 04/04/2021 15:14

Oh and, weirdly, something along these lines happened to me yesterday. I wanted to buy cream from the pharmacy that you can get a prescription for (I’m in Scotland so scripts are free) the pharmacist made a huge show of “oh, are you sure you don’t want to wait for a prescription? I can look up the price but it’ll be dear” even offered to do an emergency script for me if I “was desperate for it”. Pointed out a cheaper (but unsuitable) alternative.

After repeating “no it’s fine, I’m happy to buy it” 3 or 4 times I lost the rag a bit and said “look, what exactly about me is it that leads you to believe I can’t afford to buy this? Are you going to sell me it or not? “ the rest of the transaction took place in stony silence. He obviously didn’t like being called out.

It was 8 fucking pounds.

TillyTopper · 04/04/2021 15:14

People make this assumption about me sometimes, although actually I'm pretty well off I do look a bit rough with an old car, but clean. It's comes with the privilege of looking scruffy and I don't mind. I just say "no worries, I'm fine thanks". You may be over-thinking it though!

JensonsAcolyte · 04/04/2021 15:22

It is 100% the Eastern European accent.

Some people really struggle to see past the cleaner/nail technician/waiter box. I’ve seen it in the wild.

ThisBear · 04/04/2021 15:25

A variant of this happens to me when I wear jeans and trainers or pastel colours. It's like I turn invisible, I'll be skipped over in the queue, barged into, walked in front of... I'll do the same route and go to the same or equivalent destinations, but have a totally different experience (and regret wearing the bloody things).

forinborin · 04/04/2021 15:28

@HowManyToes

I think the dentist and restaurant are easily explained, they’ve probably had issues with previous customers and now point it out at the beginning to avoid problems later. I think your neighbour insinuating you’ve got no money to buy Easter eggs is really fucking cheeky tho!
Neighbours I am not upset with, I think it genuinely came from a good place of caring (ie they weren't trying to make me feel bad). I think it came from children sharing in their school that we won't have any chocolates at Easter (I gave them plenty of notice Grin), and I think the message just was really distorted in transmission.
OP posts:
forinborin · 04/04/2021 15:31

@ThisBear

A variant of this happens to me when I wear jeans and trainers or pastel colours. It's like I turn invisible, I'll be skipped over in the queue, barged into, walked in front of... I'll do the same route and go to the same or equivalent destinations, but have a totally different experience (and regret wearing the bloody things).
Aaaaargh but why, why, what's wrong with pastel colours? Could someone enlightened explain please? I even have pastel (mauve) coloured trainers, I am not wearing them often as not very practical - only during dry summer days.
OP posts:
AliceMcK · 04/04/2021 15:39

I think the restaurant and dental one can be put down to the staff having to ensure that people fully understand what they have to pay for so there is no comeback on them when the bill is presented. Given you have a accent and definitely look foreign they are probably just being exceptionally careful with a language barrier.

The rest may be simply because you are foreign and general stereotype prejudices that these people don’t realise they are making.

I regularly offer things to others for free, sometimes I may know or suspect they are struggling and other times I just offer it to anyone I know who could make use of it. I’ve just given away lots of furniture and toys, i offered to people I knew who would want or use them, financial circumstances weren’t even part of the equation. My cousins get lots because their DCs are slightly younger than mine, they probably have more money than me but I know things will be used and appreciated.

whenthebellsring · 04/04/2021 15:41

I'm actually offended at the people asking if it's because you're foreign. That's disgusting. Most of the foreign people I've met have more money than I can ever dream of having and I'm a child of immigrants born and raised in this country.

People know this but it isn't far-fetched at all to speculate that one of the reasons OP's seen as poor could be because some people judge anyone who looks or sounds foreign/different as "those poor immigrants who need help". If that's the case, it's on them and there's nothing OP can/should do about it.

OP has only let us know she's sure it isn't the case - I'm sure we'd have crossed it off the list quicker if we knew.

KatyS36 · 04/04/2021 15:44

I've noticed there can be a big difference in how people treat me depending on how groomed / dressed up I am, which can vary a lot.

To be honest, I tend to dress up for some situations as it simply makes life easier (it shouldn't but it does).

In practical terms, a few phrases I find can help if needed:

Boutique (if asked) - I'm looking for x, my budget is around y
Medical - I'm not particularly price sensitive on this, or how many zeros
Restaurant - can you give me a guide to the range

None of these actually discuss the price, or what you can afford, just an indication of what you would be willing to pay.

WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 15:49

Are you a single parent? if so, that will explain it. Society can't fathom that you can fund a household on your own without a man. I've had similar things. At the dentist once, a married woman I know who was in waiting room said to me ''I wish I got free dentistry''. Wow. I was paying. Another time i was given a letter to give to my landlord. Ha! When my DC move out they'll finally grasp, ah, you have money from your job
Not everybody of course but there are some very old fashioned people out there who see everything through a very very old fashioned and misogynist lens.

CookieDoughKid · 04/04/2021 15:51

Do you make an effort with your hair everyday? I always do with an airbrush before I leave the house, makes me instantly polished like I have an expensive salon blow dry!

forinborin · 04/04/2021 15:54

@whenthebellsring

I'm actually offended at the people asking if it's because you're foreign. That's disgusting. Most of the foreign people I've met have more money than I can ever dream of having and I'm a child of immigrants born and raised in this country.

People know this but it isn't far-fetched at all to speculate that one of the reasons OP's seen as poor could be because some people judge anyone who looks or sounds foreign/different as "those poor immigrants who need help". If that's the case, it's on them and there's nothing OP can/should do about it.

OP has only let us know she's sure it isn't the case - I'm sure we'd have crossed it off the list quicker if we knew.

No, it is not far-fetched at all. I just don't think being foreign as such is the main driver here. More that probably in the absence of "native" class markers people try to guess from other things and here's where I fail the test.
OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/04/2021 15:56

I get this too OP. It is so bloody rude. I am a middle class professional with a queen's English accent . I wear casual clothes. Jeans and teashirts whatever is comfortable.
I went into a restaurant before lockdown to look at the menu before booking as I'm vegetarian and the waiter immediately said there is a cheaper basic menu. I was all WTF!!!!
Everywhere I go. I must look cheap or something. Who knows.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/04/2021 15:58

"Aaareee yoooouuuuu suuuureee yooouuu caaaan aaafffoooord thiiiiis, looooove?"
😂

Class is a very odd thing in UK and we often don't fit. I dare to say from my DH's and mine personal experience class overrides race in some instances. He is brownish and the difference in a treatment since he got more expensive car and when he puts on his pricey jacket is absolutely amazing.
It helps bastard has no accent whatsoever.

whenthebellsring · 04/04/2021 15:59

Yes, I agree that could be the reason too. @forinborin

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