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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
doitwithlove · 04/04/2021 10:08

Absolutely irresponsible. I would be writing a list of jobs he can do once home. As soon as he comes in I would be off out leaving him with the list of jobs and the kids.

RLJ1905 · 04/04/2021 10:09

There is no reason whatsoever to not send a quick "I'm alive but staying longer" message.
I'd be fuming at the lack of consideration. Reversed, I could never disappear for that long and not let my husband know - imagine the worry going through his head if I went out with my mates and just never came home to him and my son?

We have a little rule between us - staying longer is absolutely fine but we just need to keep each other informed with a quick, short text.

rwalker · 04/04/2021 10:15

I'd be pissed off but wouldn't cause a war over it TBH you were probably expecting it.

ElsieMc · 04/04/2021 10:15

I feel angry for you op even reading this. Why some people feel they can just opt out of family life just really grates on me. This also means that you will have to creep around his hangover today as he feels sorry for himself leaving you to do everything. I know that other posters take a more liberal view, but perhaps they have not spent the night worrying. It shows a total lack of respect for you and the children. Glad to hear you are relatively calm op.

Boho7 · 04/04/2021 10:16

What an arse

daisychain01 · 04/04/2021 10:20

There is no excuse for selfishness.

What does it take to keep in touch, this isn't the 1970s where there's no such thing as mobiles, email, WhatsApp etc.

He's a grown adult with a wife and children. People have an extremely low bar if they don't expect to be kept in touch with over what's happening and timescales to return, and think it's an excuse that getting pissed at a wake means they absolve their responsibilities as a husband and father.

I'd just love to know how many women have the luxury of pissing off and disappearing when the mood takes them. Probably a big fat Zero.

daisychain01 · 04/04/2021 10:22

If women just expect this shit from their menfolk, they will never ever have the incentive to change, that's the tragedy. And their kids will see this happening and think that's how men should behave, but it's OK, the women are there to pick up the pieces.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/04/2021 10:22

I could forgive the staying out if it was a rare occurrence, but not the lack of communication because that's a basic courtesy and even if you are commiserating with someone, a text takes seconds.

Sceptre86 · 04/04/2021 10:23

...can't forgive the lack of respect

The thing is, you do because he has done it before. If it leads to an argument each time why do you put up with it?

He should have text to let you know it was going to be a late one or that he was stopping over, he is being unreasonable.

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2021 10:27

Yes, he should have send you a text that he was drinking and likely staying over with his friend(s). You know he's not driving as you dropped him off, so that was never a concern.

He and his friends were supporting a bereaved friend. I'd let this one go, tbh. Alcohol could well have tipped his bereaved friend into an emotional mess and his friends didn't want to leave him on his own for the night.

CirqueDeMorgue · 04/04/2021 10:28

@doitwithlove

Absolutely irresponsible. I would be writing a list of jobs he can do once home. As soon as he comes in I would be off out leaving him with the list of jobs and the kids.
Not very fair on the kids, is it. 🙄
FinallyFluid · 04/04/2021 10:28

It is the lack of text, the rest of it is fine as far as I am concerned.

In normal times if DS is going out, we ask where, we used to get rolly eyes but I said you are 18 now, off you go, we just need somewhere for the police to start if you don't come home after a protracted period of time. He looked shocked.

After that we used to get a leaving the night club now, sleeping at XYZ's, will be home when I surface, then we would usually get a uuurgh text about lunchtime with a rough idea of when he would be home.

Two texts = Harmony.

daisychain01 · 04/04/2021 10:28

I bet the majority of these AWOL situations on MN are premeditated by men. They know they're going to stay out, but rather than doing the responsible thing, and say to their partner "We'll probably have a few drinks so I've arranged to stay with [friend/family]" they don't want to be tied down or have to get into a discussion, so they deliberately say nothing, make no arrangements and act like a single 17 year old with no family responsibilities, end up hammered and leave their phone off or out of battery.

PerspicaciousGreen · 04/04/2021 10:30

Bloody hell, I'd be simultaneously livid and having palpitations in case he was dead! I'd have texted him if he was an hour late home asking when to expect him. Then rung him. Then probably proceeded to ringing his friends if I couldn't get in touch.

I do get very anxious, though, and DH knows this, so he knows it's on him to let me know he's still alive.

KurtWilde · 04/04/2021 10:35

My exh used to pull this stunt maybe once or twice a month. Never an apology, didn't think he'd done anything wrong, and if I was upset/annoyed then I was being a cow spoiling his fun. It's horribly thoughtless behaviour and I hope your DP has the decency to apologise and realise he's been an arse. YANBU.

Clymene · 04/04/2021 10:41

He does it because he knows he can. He knows it pisses you off and it's a shit thing to do to his kids, especially on Easter Sunday but he doesn't care.

All he is considering are what the consequences to him. And he's decided they're so negligible, he doesn't have to worry about them.

And I agree with @daisychain01 that he knew was going to have an all nighter

Sugarbelle · 04/04/2021 10:41

I find these threads fascinating.

swap the roles, aibu to have gone out at 3pm yesterday and stayed out all night? oh and to add I didnt let my husband know and he has the kids hahah oops!

come on. its just common courtesy isnt it.

I have sympathy for his friend but your husband could of just said hi, just to let you know I'm unlikely to be back tonight so dont wait up and I'm fine so dont worry.

redtshirt50 · 04/04/2021 10:43

Hmmm I would try and think about it from his POV. He's got together with mates he hasn't seen in ages to celebrate someones life and they probably got carried away.

I wouldn't be too mad, although I would be annoyed at the lack of text I wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless it was a recurring thing. I might say 'you could have text' but wouldn't take it further than that

I assume as soon as he wakes up he'll be sending an apology text (that's what I'd expect)!

If you'd had made plans for today that he's late for then I would be much more annoyed.

MaryShelley1818 · 04/04/2021 10:46

@PragmaticWench

It's not the staying out after an emotional gathering that would bother me, it's the lack of courtesy to call/message. Completely unacceptable.
Exactly this.
Clymene · 04/04/2021 10:46

@redtshirt50

Hmmm I would try and think about it from his POV. He's got together with mates he hasn't seen in ages to celebrate someones life and they probably got carried away.

I wouldn't be too mad, although I would be annoyed at the lack of text I wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless it was a recurring thing. I might say 'you could have text' but wouldn't take it further than that

I assume as soon as he wakes up he'll be sending an apology text (that's what I'd expect)!

If you'd had made plans for today that he's late for then I would be much more annoyed.

It's a pattern of behaviour. The funeral is an excuse.

Why do some women set the bar so low?

RachelRavenRoth · 04/04/2021 10:49

If my dh did this under these circumstances I wouldn't be annoyed, no.

But my dh doesn't make a habit of going out drinking and not coming home.

TidyDancer · 04/04/2021 10:50

In the circumstances, I wouldn't be bothered about the staying out/change of plans. I wouldn't be happy about the lack of contact though.

RachelRavenRoth · 04/04/2021 10:51

It's a pattern of behaviour. The funeral is an excuse.
This is clearer than my comment. I wouldnt be upset with my dh... but he never behaves like this.

Cookies2523 · 04/04/2021 10:54

💐

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/04/2021 10:57

The act itself it forgivable

Getting wasted with a group of mates after a death and long pandemic
That’s actually ok understandable

It’s the not texting.

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