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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 04/04/2021 08:43

Let him sleep till luncheon and let it go?! Are you serious??!

If he's been drinking it'll probably be after lunch before he's able to drive, maybe later.

FishWithoutABike · 04/04/2021 08:43

I’m pretty liberal about this sort of thing and would hate to have to check in every 5 minutes with my partner. But this takes the piss. A text or 30 second call isn’t too much to ask.

Ideasplease322 · 04/04/2021 08:47

@Eddielzzard

So it's not the first time, and it definitely won't be the last. There have to be some consequences for him or he'll carry on. As to what those consequences are, it depends how much of a dealbreaker this is for you.
This is her husband not her child.

It’s a relationship between two adults.

Felifox · 04/04/2021 08:48

I think with the restrictions this past year people are going to go off the rails a bit. But there's no excuse for not sending a ' Sorry we've all got a bit pi@$ed catching up. '

Mumdiva99 · 04/04/2021 08:49

I'm 100% serious. He's a partner of 30 years. He's obviously a good partner. He's messed up in not telling her. But, assuming he comes home safe, is it really worth making a massive deal about?

For those saying he won't be safe to drive.....Do we know that he drove? He might have walked or got cab.

WaterBottle123 · 04/04/2021 08:53

@Ideasplease322

I always wonder about the backstory when people talk about disrespect.

You know what has happened. He has spent to day drinking. With his friends, on of whom is grieving and probably in really bad shape. He drank so much he passed out.

Not ideal, but it happens. He will have a stinking hangover, but his friend probably needed that kind of evening.

Why not be understanding rather than angry.

I suppose the question is of one of your friends lost a partner and you went round and drank a. Couple of bottles of wine with her to cheer her up and fell asleep, would he be angry or understanding

I would want to be in a relationship with someone who understood.

@Ideasplease322

Supporting a grieving person isn't getting so drunk you pass out and forget to text the mother of your children. What's OP's DH has done is take advantage of the his friends grief to act like a selfish twat.

Brieminewine · 04/04/2021 08:57

Yep it’s the lack of communication for me, it takes two minutes to send a text.

KatherineJaneway · 04/04/2021 08:59

Would I mind if he stayed out all night to support a grieving friend? Not personally, no. What would be unacceptable is the lack of communication about it.

BRB2021 · 04/04/2021 09:00

let him sleep till lunchtime and then have family time this afternoon (cba to get the exact words put)

If he's been drinking all day and night, 3 hours kip won't have him springing up like a newborn lamb will it?! He'll be a grumpy arse all day with a hangover and op will pick up the pieces 🙄
Or pick up the car keys and have a day out alone if she trusts him with the kids

BurbageBrook · 04/04/2021 09:00

To stay over would be fine but not to text you is outrageous!

Steptoeshorse1965 · 04/04/2021 09:01

He's entitled to go off the rails once in a while, doesn't hurt, lets off steam. But it's about communication, and if someone is sat at home worrying about you and your welfare, it's not good. Nor is that bit really fair.

BoyTree · 04/04/2021 09:01

I wouldn't be annoyed about staying out, but I would be weary of the complete failure to anticipate the situation and be realistic about the way the event is going to pan out.

Is there a reason he doesn't just say 'It's likely to be a long one - don't be worried if I don't come home and I will try and let you know when I know more.'? Would that have been a problem?

cuteglasses · 04/04/2021 09:02

My EXH did this a couple of times.
It's a horrible feeling

Urbacodon · 04/04/2021 09:04

I’d be furious. That’s a total lack of respect.

Presumably he’ll also be hungover and exhausted when he does actually appear, so you’ll be doing all of the childcare today as well. So not only has he be thoughtless, he’s actually being incredibly selfish

Figgygal · 04/04/2021 09:10

There’s no way he’s been socially distancing and unless he’s sleeping in their garden I’d be fucked off about covid as well as the disappearing act
And this is the problem with Covid and alcohol the minute people have a drink all sense flies out the sodding window

I’d bloody murder him when he got in

HaveringWavering · 04/04/2021 09:10

It’s not great but his very close friend’s DP has died and they won’t have seen each other for a very long time. Emotions will have been running high. This was not a normal causal drink. I’d give him a pass on this one.

Ideasplease322 · 04/04/2021 09:12

Water bottle

I remember as a child my dad’s twin brother Died after a short battle with cancer. He was 38. It is still a very sensitive subject, my dad was and still is devastated beyond words.

Dad isn't a big drinker, but he went to a friend’s house and he and all their childhood friends drank a lot of whiskey and reminisced about my lovely uncle, I am sure there were a few who didn’t make it home.

It wasn’t an excuse to get pissed, it was support from a group of wonderful lifelong friends who shared my dads grief and just wanted to help and support each other.

We clearly have very different views on this, and probably a lot of things. But I would be so hurt if one of their wives said they had just died my uncles dealt as an excuse to get pissed.

rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2021 09:14

You've been together 30 years so it's not as if he's some youngster who gets a bit carried away with alcohol!
I think initially I'd be worried but then furious when he came through the door but you sound as if you're past caring.
Is he generally shitty?

gannett · 04/04/2021 09:18

Of course a lot of this is dependent on context (does he do this often, what's his relationship with alcohol generally, is he usually more considerate).

But in this context I'd have low-key expected the wake to turn into a drinking session. I wouldn't have had a problem with that, nor staying out all night tbh.

I would have been pretty pissed off at the lack of communication to let me know though. Really pissed off, actually. That's the only thing I'd focus on. Takes 30 seconds to shoot off a message.

TheLetterZ · 04/04/2021 09:22

To those saying just let it go, have you really been in this position?

You know they are going out and ask what time they will be home. I am happy for my husband to go out a drink with friends and stay over. But the problem is the lack of communication. And it is rarely one off.

Last time my husband did this we were living aboard, said he was going out for a meal with work colleagues. Then nothing until he turned up at 8 the next morning.

That was over 10 years ago and he hasn’t been this inconsiderate since, still goes out for meals/drinks but will text if plans change.

From the fact the OP has stopped caring means this isn’t a one-off. It has happened before and will probably happen again,

StormcloakNord · 04/04/2021 09:24

What a prick. I'd be furious if DH did this, I'd be making it clear if he did it again he's out the door. Might sound harsh but I cannot abide men (and women) not taking into account their responsibilities - especially if you've got kids. You don't get to just fuck off out all night and not let your family know where you are/if you are safe. You absolutely gave up that right when you decided to have kids! Dickhead.

Kittykat93 · 04/04/2021 09:25

I dont get those saying to let him off due to his friends partner dying . I understand him staying over and drinking but what's bad here is leaving the op all night with no text or call. That's what's shitty behaviour.

Chickychickydodah · 04/04/2021 09:25

Take the kids and go out for the day , ignore his calls.

TaraR2020 · 04/04/2021 09:26

@Boom45

If it was the next morning and I'd not even had a text I'd be really really worried. If it turned out that he was fine I'd be properly pissed off.
Snap

YANBU, op

Original poster
ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 09:28

He is 45. He is a happy, don't want the party to end drunk. Since we've had kids its only happened on a couple of occasions over the last 10 years, always with the same group.
I've been annoyed, explained why and we get on with things. Our relationship is good otherwise, not perfect and the last 5 years have been stressful for various reasons.
He's a nob when he's drinking.
Normally we don't drink much (those days stop when you have kids)
In my opinion his bereaved friend needs support yes, and maybe getting rat arsed has helped him (some would disagree) but just ONE text is not much to ask.
He's still not home now, he could be in a ditch. So yes I'm angry and worried. He didn't drive I dropped him off but I don't want to just turn up there. His phone "cannot accept this call".
Guess I just get on with my day!
I will update when he finally rolls in.

OP posts:
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