Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
ContractClockAndCrucible · 04/04/2021 08:14

The lack of common courtesy in not at least letting you know he wouldn't be coming home is very telling. What kind of person does that? And those who think it's OK for a father of young children to do that, can you imagine a mother doing the same, and the reaction she'd get on here if she did?

Original poster
ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 08:15

Even a text this morning would've been nice to know he his still alive. I just think what's the point in me calling him. Maybe I have already given up on him! The worse thing is I knew this might happen but every time he says "no I will be home, I won't drink too much"
Just a quick text was all I needed.
Usually I would have called or texted him by now but I just can't be bothered. I'm tired and angry. I do hope he's ok but this is not the first time, although it hasn't happened in a few years.

OP posts:
Dashel · 04/04/2021 08:19

Did you text him? Not that my DH has done this, but I think if I was worried about him, even though it wasn’t my responsibility to contact him, I would have just to get a good nights sleep and so I knew he was ok, even if drunk.

Tinacollada · 04/04/2021 08:20

Ex husband used to do this every couple of months.

Children asking where's daddy and you don't know.

Covering it up to family and friends as you're embarrassed.

So glad we are divorced!

Cuntryhouse · 04/04/2021 08:20

He's still passed out, op. They drink too much like little school boys and pass out. It's not deliberate. I'm not making excuses by the way, just describing what they do.

DrManhattan · 04/04/2021 08:24

Yanbu
It takes 10 seconds to send a text. Getting totally smashed so you can't even make it home (from a funeral!!!) Shows zero respect.

RandomNortherner · 04/04/2021 08:26

I would be exactly the same OP. I'd be fuming.

Original poster
ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 08:26

@Cuntryhouse. We have been together for 30 years this year so it's like you said - older wiser and maybe under the circumstances expected but I'm so angry. My eldest is asking where he is. (9) It's so disrespectful to us.
He only ever does this when meeting this group of friends so yes he's probably passed out.
I seem less worried than before but he could be in ditch for all I know.
Looks like a nice lazy day from me and a couple of small kids for him. When he bothers to show up!

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 04/04/2021 08:29

How old is he?

I would be very pissed off, a quick text is nothing

user1487194234 · 04/04/2021 08:30

In all of the circumstances I would be a bit irritated ,but no more than that.And I definitely would not think it was disrespectful to me or the children.If you overreact like that o wonder he does not call you.
Chill and get on with your day,

Laggartha · 04/04/2021 08:30

I'm making some guesses here that may be wrong, but is this a group of men using a woman's death as an excuse for a piss up?

I'm projecting here, because this is exactly the kind of stunt my dad's family would pull when I was growing up. Not just the men, but there was a big problem with alcohol and the in-laws would be left picking up the pieces with us kids.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/04/2021 08:30

It would kill him to take 30 seconds and send a text: "Staying over, go on to bed, see you tomorrow"? That is just common courtesy and respect -- you have the right to that.

RampantIvy · 04/04/2021 08:31

It's not the staying out after an emotional gathering that would bother me, it's the lack of courtesy to call/message. Completely unacceptable.

I totally agree @PragmaticWench. DH has never, ever done this to me, and I would never do this to DH no matter what the circumstances. It is selfish and thoughtless behaviour. Anyone who thinks otherwise must have low standards of what they expect from their partner.

SunIsComing · 04/04/2021 08:32

Appalling behaviour. I’d be annoyed.

Ideasplease322 · 04/04/2021 08:33

I always wonder about the backstory when people talk about disrespect.

You know what has happened. He has spent to day drinking. With his friends, on of whom is grieving and probably in really bad shape. He drank so much he passed out.

Not ideal, but it happens. He will have a stinking hangover, but his friend probably needed that kind of evening.

Why not be understanding rather than angry.

I suppose the question is of one of your friends lost a partner and you went round and drank a. Couple of bottles of wine with her to cheer her up and fell asleep, would he be angry or understanding

I would want to be in a relationship with someone who understood.

BigFatLiar · 04/04/2021 08:34

I'd be annoyed but I suspect after a couple of drinks it would just creep up and by the time it was getting late phoning/texting home was not in his mind. How was he intending to get home afterwards anyway, hopefully not in the car.

Mumdiva99 · 04/04/2021 08:34

I would be annoyed he hadn't texted to let me know......but.......it was a wake......I imagine they haven't seen each other all year. As long as he was apologetic let it go. Actually it's a beautiful day, head out somewhere lovely for a walk with the kids this morning. Let him sleep till lunchtime and then you can have a nice family afternoon.

(If he did this every week I would say different).

Cuntryhouse · 04/04/2021 08:34

I know, op. Dh has managed to change his drinking completely or I would have left him by now. Also Easter is a big deal for kids so that's shit for them. I was just making the point that he's not sat there with a bacon sarnie deliberately not messaging you, he'll be snoring and sweating away on a sofa.

Even when I've been out until 7am, I've always been able to work my phone.

It's shit, but after his mate's partner has died, I bet they've had a rough old night of it, got the whisky out etc. I sound like I'm making excuses, I'm not.

Don't even tackle it when he comes back, wait until tomorrow, then do it calmly.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 04/04/2021 08:35

I would absolutely say ‘a text would have been nice’ when he gets home but I wouldn’t be raging, furious or feel disrespected.

Been an awful year obviously and he met with friends to celebrate a woman’s life and support his mate.

I would absolutely let this one go.

DinosaurDiana · 04/04/2021 08:35

He shouldn’t be staying over anyway due to Covid. No point saying it’s a socially distanced wake, then sleeping over.

MyOtherProfile · 04/04/2021 08:36

Wow. I'd be horrified if my dh stayed out overnight and didn't let me know. And although you said it will be a quiet day for you and two kids to look after for him, he's unlikely to be in a fit state. Horrible.

Flowers24 · 04/04/2021 08:36

Omg that is bang out of order and demonstrats no respect!

Flowers24 · 04/04/2021 08:38

@Mumdiva99

I would be annoyed he hadn't texted to let me know......but.......it was a wake......I imagine they haven't seen each other all year. As long as he was apologetic let it go. Actually it's a beautiful day, head out somewhere lovely for a walk with the kids this morning. Let him sleep till lunchtime and then you can have a nice family afternoon.

(If he did this every week I would say different).

Let him sleep till luncheon and let it go?! Are you serious??!
Ideasplease322 · 04/04/2021 08:40

@Laggartha

I'm making some guesses here that may be wrong, but is this a group of men using a woman's death as an excuse for a piss up?

I'm projecting here, because this is exactly the kind of stunt my dad's family would pull when I was growing up. Not just the men, but there was a big problem with alcohol and the in-laws would be left picking up the pieces with us kids.

If I ever start to think that someone uses their partner or wife’s death as an excuse to drink then it’s time for me to get help.

If one of my friends lost their husband I would be there in a heartbeat. Whatever they need. I would stay all night. If they wanted to drink a couple of bottles of wine I would. If they wanted to cry I would hold heir hand.

The lack of sympathy on this thread is shocking. The treatment of grown men as naughty children is also a bit weird.

If your relationship is so bad that you see your husband supporting his Friend, getting drunk and passing out as a sign of disrespect to you than that relationship is dead.

Eddielzzard · 04/04/2021 08:42

So it's not the first time, and it definitely won't be the last. There have to be some consequences for him or he'll carry on. As to what those consequences are, it depends how much of a dealbreaker this is for you.