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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 09:29

The very least he could have done was leave you a message. It is so unfair, how would he feel if you went off leaving him with the kids for a day and night with no contact?

I'm so sorry, op. Of course I hope your husband is all right - but I bet he is. He is extremely immature.

WaterBottle123 · 04/04/2021 09:29

@Ideasplease322

I'm sorry for your loss. In your case, your dad was the grieving party and was entitled to do what he needed to do. I would argue the friends role is not to get so drunk they pass out so they can be available to the grieving person. I say this as someone who has been supported through losing a husband at 33 and supported friends with the same loss. My friend died at 42, 18 months after my own husband. It was incredibly painful, but my job was to support his wife, not get drunk and pass out.

Anyway it sounds like the OP's husband has form, hence my judgement. And no one is grieving so hard they can't send a text.

Dee1975 · 04/04/2021 09:31

Very rude not to even text. And an excise of ‘well I just past out’ isn’t good enough either. He could have text before to say ‘I’ve drank too much. Not sure if I’ll be home’.
Are you also doing an Easter thing for the kids this morning? Egg hunt in the garden or anything that he is missing out on (and just expecting you to deal with?!)

StrudelSoup · 04/04/2021 09:33

"If your relationship is so bad that you see your husband supporting his Friend, getting drunk and passing out as a sign of disrespect to you than that relationship is dead."

This is such a ridiculous comment. You don't need to drink yourself into a coma to "support a friend". He could have sent a text. Mobile phones are GREAT. It's takes maybe 3 seconds out of your day, to make sure that your partner isn't worried that you're dead in a ditch. At what point do you suggest OP starts worrying. Day 2? If she's not heard by tomorrow is she "allowed" to feel disrespected.

YANBU OP. A text would have done. It is normal to worry in these circumstances. It doesn't mean you "need to chill" (like another patronising poster said). You aren't shooting for the moon here expecting communication.

Livelovebehappy · 04/04/2021 09:34

YANBU. If it was my DH and he had communicated with me to say it might be an all nighter, under the circumstances I would have been ok with it. But his lack of communication shows zero respect and consideration.

Confusedandshaken · 04/04/2021 09:34

I would be very very pissed off. Not so much at the staying out. That seems childish and I doubt they maintained social distancing throughout the night but I can sort of understand that after a few drinks he might have lost track of time or fallen asleep. But the fact that he hasn't even bothered to text at any point would make me very angry indeed.

ShirleyPhallus · 04/04/2021 09:36

I’d be annoyed at the lack of text but not about staying out.

Threads like this always make me wonder about people’s relationships and how healthy they are / how much of a partnership they truly have. As you always get people giving advice that if the partner has a hangover you should load them up with chores and give the kids over as some sort of punishment. I have been hungover in the past with a baby and my husband has taken the baby, given me a tea and sent me back to bed. I’d do the same for him. Granted, this situation is different because the husband hasn’t even text, but generally these threads always bring out this very odd feeling that no one should go out ever and drink beyond a thimbleful of anything so they can evenly pull their weight the next day.

ColourfulElmerElephant · 04/04/2021 09:37

Usually I would have called or texted him by now but I just can't be bothered. I'm tired and angry. I do hope he's ok but this is not the first time, although it hasn't happened in a few years.

This sounds the issue. You are sulking at him because he hasn’t come home or messaged and it’s not the first time he has done this.

If my DH was out supporting his friend whose partner had died, I’d understand but only as a one off. I think it’s the backstory here that’s annoying you but equally you aren’t helping matters by not messaging him.

itsgettingwierd · 04/04/2021 09:38

Staying out wouldn't bother me.

Not even sending a text would. That's disrespectful because you'll be worried and he's not even considered that.

Confusedandshaken · 04/04/2021 09:38

@Chickychickydodah

Take the kids and go out for the day , ignore his calls.
Normally I'd completely agree with this. I'd bugger off for a special Easter outing and let him miss out. But it's a lockdown Easter Sunday so where could you go? If it was nicer weather you could go to the beach but I've just been out to prepare the patio for a rule of 6 outdoor lunch later and it's bloody cold out there.
Bitofanexpert · 04/04/2021 09:41

It would depend really on a few things if I was seriously annoyed...

  • did you have any arrangements/plans today?
  • is this a regular thing?
  • does he drink too much generally?
  • has he cheated on you before?

If the answer to all is no then I wouldn’t care. As long as all would be forgiven if it was the other way around. I wouldn’t care about his safety- DH was a grown man before he met me and took care of himself (just about Grin) then, I’m sure he can cope now.

PeggyHill · 04/04/2021 09:43

I would be very worried that a something had happened. If he turns up today and just gives excuses about too many drinks and losing track of time then I would hit the fucking roof. It must be a lovely life to know that you can just piss off for 24 hours without so much as a text, and know that your children will be taken care of indefinitely until you decide that you're quite ready to amble home and nurse your hangover. What a selfish wanker.

PeggyHill · 04/04/2021 09:47

I have been hungover in the past with a baby and my husband has taken the baby, given me a tea and sent me back to bed. I’d do the same for him.

My DH and I also look after each other when hungover, but this situation is completely different. My DH and I will have the courtesy to let the other know what's happening. It's inexcusable to just disappear like this when you have young children. Especially if it's not the first time.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/04/2021 09:47

I’d be locking the door and leaving a note with a bag of clothes for him to go and stay elsewhere for fourteen days. The rules say you can do the rule of six outdoors but overnight guests are not permitted and with alcohol involved I would be very surprised if there was any SD. Then I’d use the time to see if I wanted to continue the relationship with someone who did as they pleased like that..

Outbutnotoutout · 04/04/2021 09:47

Wow that is totally unacceptable

He has a lot of making up to do, if you forgive him

Livelovebehappy · 04/04/2021 09:50

TBH, people suggesting you and the kids go out for the day to make him feel he is missing out - I’m guessing this would be the ideal scenario for him. He’s going to be pretty hungover and tired when he eventually rolls in. I would be tempted to wait till he comes in, say ‘right, get showered and changed, we’re off for a day out at the park...’ he will be horrified at this, and would much prefer to come home to an empty house with no nagging, no kids and being able to sleep it off.

QueenOfPain · 04/04/2021 09:51

Given the circumstances, I personally would cut him some slack.

MrsTumbletap · 04/04/2021 09:55

I would be a bit annoyed but not fuming. It's not just a meet up, it's a wake, his friend will surely be devastated, they could have stayed up until the early hours chatting, crying etc.

If my best friends partner died I would probably stay up with her all night drinking and chatting then fall asleep. (I would hope I would text DH, but it's exceptional circumstances).

How will he get home? Will he expect you to go and get him? Or get a taxi?

I would ask how it went, how his friend is and then say "a text last night would have been nice".

lockdownalli · 04/04/2021 09:56

I think he is a selfish arsehole Flowers

Whatisthisfuckery · 04/04/2021 09:57

Yeah I would be mighty fucked off. It’s a complete lack of respect. I wonder if he would be pissed off/beside himself with worry if you pissed off out for a boozy evening and didn’t come home without so much as a text? I might be tempted to do it, just to show him what an inconsiderate dick move it is.

Newschapter · 04/04/2021 09:59

I'd be annoyed too @ShutUpaYourFace

But that's because my dad used to disappear for days at a time on benders. We never knew where he was or who he was with. But after 30 years my mother left him - 30 years too late if you ask me.

Dh has never done that so if he started I'd be genuinely upset.

I hope your DH comes home soon and that he's safe.

Regularsizedrudy · 04/04/2021 10:00

You’ve been together since he was 15??

Regularsizedrudy · 04/04/2021 10:01

Oh, and yes he’s a twat by the way.

Mellonsprite · 04/04/2021 10:07

Yes I think he’s been very selfish, would it have killed him to send a text.
A death of a friends parent is no excuse to behave like a selfish arse, and drop all his responsibilities and go AWOL.

sherrystrull · 04/04/2021 10:08

I wouldn't be cross about the staying out. I saw my friend for the first time in a year last week and the time just went. It's clearly great he's enjoyed catching up with and supporting his friend.

However, he should have been in touch. That's hugely wrong and disrespectful.

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