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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
SquirtleSquad · 04/04/2021 10:58

He's a test

SquirtleSquad · 04/04/2021 10:58

Twat*

rainbowthoughts · 04/04/2021 11:00

I would have woken up worried if my DH didn't come home at night. There wouldn't be a single part of me that thought it was intentional. It just would not happen.

SheldonesqueIsAlmostHuman · 04/04/2021 11:00

The excuse will be ‘we were grieving’ but no one needs to get too arseholed to text to feel sad.

No one needs to stay out all day/all night without a text to say where they are.

No one should be leaving their other half to deal with their family while they take a pass without asking first.

Grieving is fine. Taking the piss isn’t.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 04/04/2021 11:01

His phone "cannot accept this call".

Does this mean you've tried ringing him, OP? It's possible that his phone battery has gone flat, but in that case, wouldn't the call normally go to voicemail?

JustLyra · 04/04/2021 11:02

I’d be irritated at no contact.

But given that his friend has lost their partner I’d have just assumed from the beginning it would be an all night thing if the few occasions he’s done this before was with those friends

Tinacollada · 04/04/2021 11:02

If a mum stayed out all night in these circumstances and didn't make any contact she would - rightly so have the fuck judged out of her.

He doesn't get away with it because he is a dad.

HaveringWavering · 04/04/2021 11:03

Yeah of course the not contacting OP is not OK. And it’s OK to feel angry and annoyed at him about it. But is it really worth making a massive deal over it and having an argument on this rare and exceptional occasion? Simple”you really should have texted”, he says “yes, I’m sorry” then move on. Maybe talk more about how the bereaved mate is doing.

shipsandgiggles · 04/04/2021 11:09

He’s a twat, a text is all that is needed and it doesn’t take much to do that!

Squeejit · 04/04/2021 11:15

Personally I’d let him off on this occasion, but I’m not you.
I can see how he would get swept along with a sesh under the circumstances, despite leaving the house with the best intentions. Sounds like his phone’s died.
Do you know any of the other lads you can call and ask them to put him on?

HaveringWavering · 04/04/2021 11:16

Don’t you have the land line of the house where he went?

Kitkat05 · 04/04/2021 11:20

Has he rolled in yet?

Febo24 · 04/04/2021 11:24

I started reading this thread and was on the side of 'its just one night, it was a wake' etc and excusing him.

But I've reflected now on how often my stbxh did it, and ruined the next day too with his hangovers (family days out, Christmas, holidays etc). For him it was a pattern of behavior where he basically got to do as he pleased all the damn time and lead to our eventual separation ashe overstepped elsewhere too.

Only you know if this is a pattern of behaviour, or a one off. Definitely spell out to him why it's an issue and your minimum requirements if the situation requires it again (text/call, honesty).

Put him through the bloody ringer when he gets in.

billy1966 · 04/04/2021 11:42

I couldn't have my children around such disrespect.

Their mother having no idea where Daddy is.

Awful.

Lock the door would be my advice.

I wouldn't accept being treated so poorly, repeatedly.
Flowers

Original poster
ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 11:47

He just called. He has spent the night in the police cells! He's on his way home now. He apologised and said he would be home soon.
I asked him if it was for being a dick head he said yes. We left it there!
TBC.....
At least he's alive. I think I have the upper hand now!

OP posts:
Parkerwhereareyou · 04/04/2021 11:49

@JustLyra

I’d be irritated at no contact.

But given that his friend has lost their partner I’d have just assumed from the beginning it would be an all night thing if the few occasions he’s done this before was with those friends

Yep, this.

Very annoying but they just got drinking, his phone ran out of battery, they passed out.

Of course he should have told you, but he didn't. Give him some extra childcare duties in return. Or don't even bother. This is a once in a blue moon thing. But still. Don't let it spoil your sunny day with the kids, though - he's the one who'll be avoiding bright lights!!

(oh and/or you could drive round there now and hoick him out) (but I wouldn't bother myself)

JustSleepAlready · 04/04/2021 11:49

No. Under the circumstances no. He was commiserating, grieving, meeting up after so long, gradually got more and more drunk then passed out. Wouldn’t make me angry given the circumstances

SheldonesqueIsAlmostHuman · 04/04/2021 11:52

All sympathy gone.

I think I have the upper hand now!

Erm yeah you do!

BigFatLiar · 04/04/2021 11:53

@ShutUpaYourFace

He just called. He has spent the night in the police cells! He's on his way home now. He apologised and said he would be home soon. I asked him if it was for being a dick head he said yes. We left it there! TBC..... At least he's alive. I think I have the upper hand now!
Explains why he didn't call.

Hope it wasn't serious.

crimsonlake · 04/04/2021 11:54

It is not the staying out all night per say but it is the lack of at least letting you know.
My ex did this once, went out drinking and walked in the next morning with no explanation. I always got 'you're not my mother' if I tried to object to anything. Hence he is now my ex.

yuccaplant · 04/04/2021 11:56

Oh dear!

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 04/04/2021 11:57

I've had this exact experience. I was home with a newborn he went to a 'wake' and the next morning I found out he was being collected from the cells.
I don't miss him

PollyPocket245 · 04/04/2021 11:58

Oh my god poor you. Lots of love Flowers

gallileofigaro · 04/04/2021 11:58

Oh dear. I'm sad for you and your DC. Not a happy Easter.

PerspicaciousGreen · 04/04/2021 11:59

@ShutUpaYourFace

He just called. He has spent the night in the police cells! He's on his way home now. He apologised and said he would be home soon. I asked him if it was for being a dick head he said yes. We left it there! TBC..... At least he's alive. I think I have the upper hand now!
Blimey! Still think he should have called/the police should have called you. Surely when the police arrest someone they let their next of kin/similar know?