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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 06/04/2021 09:53

I'd love to know what he did that was disorderly enough to get arrested

People don’t seem to be aware that there are more than one “drunk” offence that you can be arrested for. ( in England) “Drunk in public” is for those staggering barely conscious drunks that you can’t leave because they could stagger in the road and be hit by a bus. “Drunk and disorderly” - is funnily enough someone being belligerent and arsey.... being a bit punchy, not going away when they’re being told to for example.( other offences are drink driving & drunk in charge of a child) A caution is not a criminal conviction but will be found on an enhanced check. Some professions are “ notifiable” so anytime a person in the particular profession gets arrested their professional body will be notified. There is a long list of occupations. What happens subsequently depends on the occupation and the offence. I would expect an airline pilot for example would probably lose his job if arrested for a “drunk” offence.

daisychain01 · 06/04/2021 10:20

@Alsohuman

Great update *@ShutUpaYourFace* 💖. Some of the nonsense on this thread ...
Nonsense?

I don't think so!

The OP originally wanted to know if she WBU to be pissed off at her Hs behaviour. Many on here believe she was justified and that he was selfish and acted like an immature idiot for his age. No hot bath or "there, there" to someone who doesn't deserve it.

The fact the OP has since returned and added some extra detail and has reconciled the situation, does not neutralise the bad behaviour, or the selfishness. It just means the OP has decided to take the pragmatic view.

Hopefully the H will do the adult thing next time and plan the situation in consideration of his family.

Original poster
ShutUpaYourFace · 06/04/2021 10:32

He showed me the paperwork from the police station. He got a yellow fixed penalty notice. The hand written comment just said he was drunk and disorderly in a public place.
There is also a box to tick for a previous conviction check which was crossed No.
He still says he can't remember but on interview in the morning they seemed more interested in where he had been drinking and who with.
I'm not even sure he was given an official caution. Certainly no day in court. Just a justified slap on the wrist.
I would have no idea, like him, as never of us have being arrested before, but it all seems very vague. I keep checking if he remembers but nothing yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
ShutUpaYourFace · 06/04/2021 10:51

@Regularsizedrudy
Do you know me?
At no point have I said we were married.
I'm not really sure about the point of your post.
What difference would it make if we were married or not?
We've been together for 30 years since we were 15. We've done our partying, travelling, bought a house, lived life. We started a family at 35 once we were financially secure. We've suffered highs and lows like everyone else.
We were kids when we got together but we've grown and are both committed. That's as good as being married in my eyes.
You don't know if we're married or not, the point is it's irrelevant.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/04/2021 10:54

@Regularsizedrudy

You’ve not been married for 30 years though have you? You just got together when you were children and don’t know any different. What a strange rollercoaster this thread had been.
What the hell difference does it make?
JustSleepAlready · 06/04/2021 11:08

Sound like he got carried away. These things happen. No major damage done. Sure you will laugh about this one day.

Regularsizedrudy · 06/04/2021 11:09

“We've done our partying” lol well one of you clearly hasn’t quite finished 😂.
These threads are so stupid, op will say “should I be pissed off for this unreasonable behaviour”. Answer: yes. Op: “well actually it’s fine”
Erm you asked.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 11:20

@Regularsizedrudy

“We've done our partying” lol well one of you clearly hasn’t quite finished 😂. These threads are so stupid, op will say “should I be pissed off for this unreasonable behaviour”. Answer: yes. Op: “well actually it’s fine” Erm you asked.
Quite right.

How dare OP defend herself. She should leave him right now just because people said so.

Also, he wasn't partying. His friend died and he drank too much. Is that OK with you?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 06/04/2021 11:32

@ShutUpaYourFace

I remember once years ago dh went out with an old group of school mates for a memory night out etc.

Anyway I was working the next day so he was very aware he needed to not be out really late and not be so drunk he could t get up for the kids.

Well lo and behold at 5 am I drove into the town where he was to try and find him Hmm

I knew something wasn't right as he hadn't contacted me.
I didn't drive for before I saw him walking home along the main road.

He was rather drunk and could t get a cab so walked home because he knew he needed to be bak and ok for me to go to work.

Let's just say being confined to the inside of my car with just me he got an earful about being a dick and getting so hammered that there was no way he could be up with the kids and that I was absolutely raging with him for it.

I made him call his mum at 8 am to explain and ask if she could sit the dc as I had to go to work and he was in no fit state.

She came over as I left for work and he got the bollocking of his life from her for being so irresponsible

I got home to a clean house all washing and ironing done a take away and the promise never to do it again and he never has.

Like you say op it's not something to throw a lifetime together away for and s all make stupid mistakes at times as long as we learn from them.

ShowMeTheSugar · 06/04/2021 11:34

We've done our partying” lol well one of you clearly hasn’t quite finished What a snide comment. What do you get out of that?

The OP hasn't said she's not angry or annoyed, but that its not a "leave your partner" type scenario which tbf is what most posters more or less said. Its a pragmatic approach to some shitty behaviour they can work past.

Original poster
ShutUpaYourFace · 06/04/2021 12:34

@wtfisgoingonhere21 - Thanks for your post. I was hoping to hear some similar stories, not that I was wishing similar on anyone else but it's nice to know I'm not alone. Why can men be such dicks!

@Regularsizedrudy
No one ever expected you to reply to such a silly post! I was after opinions due to the circumstances involved. If you think it's stupid why give your input in the first place?
I only wanted to know from you what you meant with the marriage comment.

"You’ve not been married for 30 years though have you? You just got together when you were children and don’t know any different. What a strange rollercoaster this thread had been."

It seems your silly no sense making input trumps my stupid post!

Thanks for everyone's opinions. They have been interesting from one extreme to the other.
He certainly didn't get a nice hot bath or to sleep it off, but like-wise Its not ok to beat a person when they are down. He knows there will be consequences if this ever happens again, A lesson learned I'm sure.

OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 13:14

@Macncheeseballs

I'd love to know what he did that was disorderly enough to get arrested
Why?
Regularsizedrudy · 06/04/2021 13:16

“He knows there will be consequences if this ever happens again”

Did you say that the last time he did it when you had a new baby too?

Pinkyavocado · 06/04/2021 13:20

I wouldn’t be Pissed off he didn’t come home but would be pissed off that he hasn’t contacted you to tell you. That’s disrespectful. Anything could have happened. So yes I’d be annoyed/

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 13:20

@Regularsizedrudy

“He knows there will be consequences if this ever happens again”

Did you say that the last time he did it when you had a new baby too?

Have you not got the message yet that OP had made her choice, we have supported her and nobody is interested in what you have to say? Bore off. This is someone's life not your sport.
BigFatLiar · 06/04/2021 13:21

@Macncheeseballs

I'd love to know what he did that was disorderly enough to get arrested
What Is Drunk And Disorderly? This is defined as a person who in any public place is guilty of behaving in a disorderly manner whilst under the influence of alcohol. This means that the police can arrest you if they deem you to be creating a public disturbance whilst drunk, which they can determine with their own discretion.

Could have been anything, entirely at the police officers discretion. No point speculating, he may not even remember.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 13:22

[quote ShutUpaYourFace]@wtfisgoingonhere21 - Thanks for your post. I was hoping to hear some similar stories, not that I was wishing similar on anyone else but it's nice to know I'm not alone. Why can men be such dicks!

@Regularsizedrudy
No one ever expected you to reply to such a silly post! I was after opinions due to the circumstances involved. If you think it's stupid why give your input in the first place?
I only wanted to know from you what you meant with the marriage comment.

"You’ve not been married for 30 years though have you? You just got together when you were children and don’t know any different. What a strange rollercoaster this thread had been."

It seems your silly no sense making input trumps my stupid post!

Thanks for everyone's opinions. They have been interesting from one extreme to the other.
He certainly didn't get a nice hot bath or to sleep it off, but like-wise Its not ok to beat a person when they are down. He knows there will be consequences if this ever happens again, A lesson learned I'm sure.
[/quote]
Oh they can be absolute dickheads at times.

But can I just say OP, props to you for holding your own on this thread. I really wish you luck and happiness.

Pinkyavocado · 06/04/2021 13:22

@Overdueanamechange

My first thought would be of worry of this is out of character. Have you got a tracker app on his phone?
Why on Earth would you have tracker app on your spouses phone!
Pinkyavocado · 06/04/2021 13:25

@Ideasplease322 - are you for real? Of course we would all do those things but not to contact your party-her just to let them know is seriously selfish.

Original poster
ShutUpaYourFace · 06/04/2021 14:09

Thanks @Butwasitherdriveway. Your support has been great throughout this tread.

I am relieved he is safe and well. A little less angry today.

Thanks everyone else.

@Regularsizedrudy
You still won't get to the point reference the marriage comment. Never mind I don't really care.

No I don't have a tracker on his phone.
Um maybe I should look into getting one 🤣🤣🤣 That would be a whole new thread.

I'm feeling like more chocolate egg and tea now.
Happy Easter, or is that over now!

OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 14:20

@ShutUpaYourFace

Thanks *@Butwasitherdriveway*. Your support has been great throughout this tread.

I am relieved he is safe and well. A little less angry today.

Thanks everyone else.

@Regularsizedrudy
You still won't get to the point reference the marriage comment. Never mind I don't really care.

No I don't have a tracker on his phone.
Um maybe I should look into getting one 🤣🤣🤣 That would be a whole new thread.

I'm feeling like more chocolate egg and tea now.
Happy Easter, or is that over now!

😘

I'm well aware there's a human being behind the screen.

Good on you for stepping up and supporting the man you love, I wish you both well.

PerspicaciousGreen · 07/04/2021 12:14

@Pinkyavocado Why on Earth would you have tracker app on your spouses phone!

I get very anxious when my DH isn't where I expect him to be. I honestly worry that he's been run over or mugged or various other scenarios. He is very good at keeping me updated with when to expect him home if plans change or he's delayed, but if he weren't (i.e. kept genuinely forgetting) then I would discuss a tracker app with him as a possible solution to make everybody happy - reassure me and take the burden off him having to remember to update me. I never say he can't go anywhere or his plans can't change, just that I want to know when to expect him back and therefore when to start worrying. They can be hideous controlling apps, but they can also be lovely reassuring ones.

If, when he's a teenager and therefore going out and about but not fully in charge of himself, my son fails to let me know when to expect him back, I'd be having a similar conversation with him about him pulling his socks up or putting a tracker app on his parent-paid-for device.

Tinacollada · 15/04/2021 12:06

Can't wait to teach my daughters that "supporting the man you love" is tolerating this

Happy1982ish · 02/12/2021 08:56

@gannett

You don’t have children

It is very different when you do

starrynight87 · 02/12/2021 09:20

This thread is from April, why dig it up!?

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