Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
User8901 · 04/04/2021 20:47

@Abraxan

Christ on a bike people. He got too drunk, got arrested, no it’s not great but it’s hardly the end of the world and I’m sure he learned his lesson.

The being drunk enough to be arrested will be a massive issue for many people. It's not just getting drunk and coming home late. Getting arrested isn't the norm for a night out.

If dh did this he would definitely be risking his job, his whole career. He is a solicitor.
It would definitely be frowned upon and could have a bearing in my own job too - I teach.

What are you talking about? It has zero to do with your own job. And to repeat again, it was a fine, a d&d fine - not a criminal record! Your husband should know this.
rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2021 21:59

He got arrested for being drunk in a street? There's 100% more to that for sure.
He then STILL didn't inform you he wouldn't be home?

I certainly wouldn't throw away a 30 year marriage for this but I bloody WOULD read him the riot act!

He'd be a fool to ever do it again

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 22:12

@rainbowstardrops

He got arrested for being drunk in a street? There's 100% more to that for sure. He then STILL didn't inform you he wouldn't be home?

I certainly wouldn't throw away a 30 year marriage for this but I bloody WOULD read him the riot act!

He'd be a fool to ever do it again

Ooh. You so scary.
rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2021 22:21

@Butwasitherdriveway

What the fuck are you on about?!!!

I'm not scary in the slightest. I just don't suffer fools gladly.

MmeLaraque · 04/04/2021 23:03

@Lorieandrews

At the end of the day. They’ve been together 30 years. The OP will know his behaviour. They will know what he’s like. If he does this often. Some of you are acting like you never made a mistake. At the end of the day. What happened didn’t physically harm someone. It didn’t mentally harm someone. He got drunk. Which I imagine 98% of us here have at one point in our lives. Yes he got arrested. But that can happen if he’s wandering the streets drunk. Which he was

The OP has already stated she’s not going to leave him. But it seems lots of Brooke on this thread knows him better. Do say hello next time you see them!

At the end of the day

Oh ffs... buzzword bingo??

Someof you are acting like you've never made a mistake

Presenting as manifestly inebriated in public is a criminal offence where I come from. No, I wouldn't. OP's husband did by her account.

You think it's okay to be drunk enought to be arrested for public disorder? It's not. Raise your standards.

MmeLaraque · 04/04/2021 23:07

@User8901

He 👏🏼 Doesn’t 👏🏼 Have 👏🏼 A 👏🏼 Criminal 👏🏼 Record 👏🏼
It's a criminal offence. It's on his record.
Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 23:19

@ShutUpaYourFace

Here goes: He left the wake, he can't remember he thinks he got a lift and was dropped on the main road near to our house where he got arrested. He says he doesn't remember much else. The paperwork from police stated he was drunk and disorderly, it doesn't elaborate. He was issued with fine and given a caution. In a way I'm glad he didn't come home in such a state and when taking dog for a walk this morning I realised his house keys were in my car, so he wouldn't have been able to get in anyway! - He was arrested just gone midnight and was allowed a call but he didn't because it was too late. I do question how much he does remember if he remember ma details like that. I've said my piece for now, told him to shower and not to go to bed! He's not bloody sleeping for the rest of the day. Where I go from here I'm not sure. I'm Just exasperated at his lack of responsibility towards me and the kids. He didn't even take a door key ffs. There was no forward thinking. I'm having a sit down with a cuppa I'm still so bloody annoyed. Thanks for all your supporting comments and opinions. When you've been with someone for 30 years you think you know them, I thought this behaviour was left behind with our teen/twenties. Obviously not!
So that's great, in such a state and right next to a main Rd 🤦‍♀️ he could of got badly hurt. I don't know how you deal with it, I spent 9 anxious years with my ex, had various events go on, and the drinking didn't stop or get better once we had our DC sadly.
Parkerwhereareyou · 05/04/2021 00:14

Oh ffs

I'd be so glad he was ok, run his bath, hug him, look after him. That's just me. He got drunk at a wake and got arrested. Awful. I love him. I'm on his side.

PeggyHill · 05/04/2021 01:15

I'm glad you've sorted it OP. Hope you had a good rest of the day and enjoyed your chocolate egg.

One thing I would still be stuck on... how can he not remember when or why he was arrested, but he can remember that he was offered a phonecall and said no because it was after midnight? That would really bug me...

redtshirt50 · 05/04/2021 02:35

@Parkerwhereareyou

Oh ffs

I'd be so glad he was ok, run his bath, hug him, look after him. That's just me. He got drunk at a wake and got arrested. Awful. I love him. I'm on his side.

I totally agree with this

Everyone makes mistakes, he was having fun and it went a bit too far

He's had enough punishment already without his wife adding to it

Stillfunny · 05/04/2021 06:03

Not read every single comment but just to say @ShutUpaYourFace is a great name. Just to be flippant.

And while it was a worrying night for her, he is OK. Not a great act on his part. But I have to say that here, in Ireland , that would be some story to tell. And maybe even quite funny ??! As in , serves him right that he got arrested. But certainly not the end of his marriage or job .
I will run away now. Grin

Cokie3 · 05/04/2021 06:28

@Parkerwhereareyou

Oh ffs

I'd be so glad he was ok, run his bath, hug him, look after him. That's just me. He got drunk at a wake and got arrested. Awful. I love him. I'm on his side.

@Parkerwhereareyou That's the type of enabling behaviour that sees it happen regularly. The OP said he does this a fair bit. I would not be pampering my DH for disrespecting me and our children like that. I am stunned that women would take that Handmaid approach. I think the OP is handling it well by making sure he doesn't go to sleep, he'd have to stay up and watch the kids and do all manner of loud activity if it were me so he regrets it and it serves as a deterrent next time.
Sansaplans · 05/04/2021 07:15

@Parkerwhereareyou

Oh ffs

I'd be so glad he was ok, run his bath, hug him, look after him. That's just me. He got drunk at a wake and got arrested. Awful. I love him. I'm on his side.

Wow, really?
hardboiledeggs · 05/04/2021 08:31

The guy made a mistake! Ffs he doesn’t do it all the time, hasn’t been arrested before. He’s in a 30 year relationship with a few blips along the way. I don’t think this is LTB territory but I would certainly be pissed off and he would know it! Everyone saying saying that she should leave him for this must be perfect!

ShowMeTheSugar · 05/04/2021 09:22

I had a colleague who was arrested for being D&D - they were incredibly drunk at the end of a work night out, singing at the top of their lungs and too drunk to give their address when the police came across them. If memory serves me right, they got a caution and that was the end of it. That was maybe 10 years ago.

Id be furious with him OP but like you say, its about working a way forward given this is not his normal behaviour.

murbblurb · 05/04/2021 09:48

He hasn't been arrested before, but the op says it isn't the first time he's got revoltingly drunk and vanished.

How amusing. Glad I don't live in Ireland where it seems this is thought to be even funnier.

Macncheeseballs · 05/04/2021 09:50

Funny how in all my years of partying, I've never been arrested

Whatwouldscullydo · 05/04/2021 10:14

The guy made a mistake! Ffs he doesn’t do it all the time, hasn’t been arrested before. He’s in a 30 year relationship with a few blips along the way. I don’t think this is LTB territory but I would certainly be pissed off and he would know it!

I dont think it matters how often someone does or doesn't do it. More when they do it. And if you feel the unreliability is a problem. Its all very well having sympathy for the situation but all the other people In it still have to pick up the slack look after the kids keep things going etc

If one person is assigned to be the one who's going to do the support side of things then when they fail to do that, by instead of being the one looking after the person, making sure they get home OK, putting them to bed or calling taxis or sitting up with them fir a while to make sure they don't choke on their own puke etc that then falls on to someone else to then sort both sets of people out as well as all the extra stuff you have to do as a result of the original person not being there. It makes a bad situation worse surely? I mean instead of 1 person to worry about there's now multiple and none of them even had the decency to make a phone call.

itsalifetimesworkfella · 05/04/2021 11:25

@murbblurb

He hasn't been arrested before, but the op says it isn't the first time he's got revoltingly drunk and vanished.

How amusing. Glad I don't live in Ireland where it seems this is thought to be even funnier.

As the child of a drunk, this sort of thing causes huge damage. Huge.

The arguments, tension, not knowing someone will come back when they say.

It's really not funny.

Stillfunny · 05/04/2021 12:02

It is only OK because ultimately everyone is all right. He does NOT do this regularly , married 30 years and very difficult circumstances that he went out drinking in . And he was just unfortunate that the police picked him up. He wasn't fighting , rioting or bothering anyone. The shock of it and remorse will be punishment enough .
It is OK not to live in Ireland , stay where you are.

Stillfunny · 05/04/2021 12:10

And the OP says that he is not a habitual drunk nor an abusive one. Just a silly man.

To anyone who has taken offence about it being funny , there is a HUGE difference between an alcoholic that causes daily chaos in the home and damages all their relationships. That is definitely not funny.Flowers

Clymene · 05/04/2021 12:31

Believe me, the OP's kids won't find this funny. Nothing is funny about having a dad who gets so drunk he gets arrested.

daisychain01 · 05/04/2021 12:45

I'd be so glad he was ok, run his bath, hug him, look after him. That's just me.

I've heard it all now!

This is a bloody 45 year old grown adult man ffs - fine to do this for a 17 year old and then give him a serious talking to about his selfish behaviour and a reality-check that the world doesn't revolve around him, there are other people affected.

If all you do is reward appalling behaviour, minimise it as "oh, but it was only once, and it was a wake, and, and, and, poor little lamb, he didn't mean to, it just happened", that sure as damn it ensures the behaviour will be passed on to the next generation.

It doesn't have to mean the OP LTB's and walks away from a 30 year relationship.

It should mean this man-child gets a clear message that the next time is a deal-breaker and won't be tolerated because she's already in danger of losing all respect for him.

Bishbashbosh101 · 05/04/2021 14:32

I'd be so glad he was ok, run his bath, hug him, look after him. That's just me.

It really is.

Parkerwhereareyou · 05/04/2021 15:06

*I totally agree with this

Everyone makes mistakes, he was having fun and it went a bit too far

He's had enough punishment already without his wife adding to it*

Thank you, @redtshirt50. That's what I meant. My imagery is always a bit strong though, which incenses some on here, hence this kind of answer (which is what I was expecting):

@Parkerwhereareyou That's the type of enabling behaviour that sees it happen regularly. The OP said he does this a fair bit. I would not be pampering my DH for disrespecting me and our children like that. I am stunned that women would take that Handmaid approach. I think the OP is handling it well by making sure he doesn't go to sleep, he'd have to stay up and watch the kids and do all manner of loud activity if it were me so he regrets it and it serves as a deterrent next time.

from @Cokie3 and others in the same vein.

I know what enabling is. And this would be exceptionally low level enabling. I just think he's had a bad time as it is - that's about enough punishment/lesson. I'd rather be nice to him so he feels bad for not having called me, and next time makes an effort to respect my feelings and so calls me.

Bullying him into 'caring' is something I don't like. My method is more showing him my feelings, showing him I'm being sensible and kind about this, and then yes expecting him to be more considerate next time.

Obviously if he keeps on pulling these stunts then that's a different discussion. But I think OP said he just goes off with these friends once in a blue moon, and hasn't at all for over a year now. And it WAS exceptional that one of the guys' wives had died. That's extreme. People react strongly to the death of a close person. They all drank way too much and it ended in mayhem.

Honestly, I'd just be relieved he'd come back in one piece.

That's not enabling. That's being glad my husband is OK.