Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

@BungleandGeorge Acknowledging that losing a spouse has a more profound impact on an adult's every day life than any other kind of loss (besides that of a child) is not diminishing anyone's pain.

@BungleandGeorge In general, I would trust that a parent knows their children best and therefore knows how to help them through their grief. Being introduced to a parent's new partner is not inherently damaging. In fact it can be very healing.

peachgreen I think your words are thoughtful and wise.

Peach has been and is there.

@BungleandGeorge I was certainly was not doing that. It was another poster who said '''unless you've walked in a widow/er's shoes... etc'''' so, making a hierarchy of grief. I did not start this hierarchy. Also, the double standard was on the thread before I started pointing it out.

Somebody has now said that ''presumably the children's grief is less'' (than their father's). I highly doubt that, but widowers must be excused.

This is so depressing.

In general, I would trust that a parent knows their children best and therefore knows how to help them through their grief. Being introduced to a parent's new partner is not inherently damaging. In fact it can be very healing.

Without a doubt.

Personally I think the loss of a sibling is underrated by society, it's awful to lose someone who you think always going to be around, you expect your parents to die before you but never a sibling. When I lost my sister I also lost my brother in law and nephew as they have both moved on and don't feel the need to stay in touch anymore.

My child's grief is significantly less than mine. Partly because it's my job to ensure it is and I'm doing it damn well.

Of course there's a hierarchy of grief. There are exceptions, naturally. But in general, losing a spouse is one of the most life-changing, painful griefs of all.

But regardless, me saying that you should reserve judgement unless you've experienced widowhood was nothing to do with there being a hierarchy of grief. My point was that you shouldn't judge how someone is handling widowhood without having been there yourself. Because it's not like anything you can imagine.

As I said, OP's hurt and anger are completely understandable. But for the sake of her BIL and her sister's children, and her sister herself, it would be better to try and keep that anger from them.

[quote WiseOwlOne]@BungleandGeorge I was certainly was not doing that. It was another poster who said '''unless you've walked in a widow/er's shoes... etc'''' so, making a hierarchy of grief. I did not start this hierarchy. Also, the double standard was on the thread before I started pointing it out.

Somebody has now said that ''presumably the children's grief is less'' (than their father's). I highly doubt that, but widowers must be excused.

This is so depressing.[/quote]
Peach is a widower. Please tresd carefully and actually listen .

@WiseOwlOne sorry if I have misinterpreted. I agree there’s lots of judgement on here and for many people they have been the child, widow, parent etc. I’m just trying to make the point that losses may be different but there’s no hierarchy within close family of who should feel what/ do what etc. Best thing is to try and talk about the feelings to someone neutral as things can get heated just because it is difficult for everyone. It’s fine to feel whatever op feels. If the children aren’t getting help with the bereavement from experts then maybe look at obtaining that

Thank you @ilovesooty @butwasitherdriveway @halianne - I appreciate it

The pain of widowhood, as all of us who are widowed know, is a pain that is unlike any other, aside from the loss of a child.

It's impossible to describe, and others who think they know anything like that pain, without having experienced it, absolutely do not. It's like an illness, it's overwhelming, completely consuming and penetrates every inch of our lives. There is no respite from it, not a single moment, we can only hope for time to help heal that, which is kinder on some people than it is on others.

So if people don't know what it's like to be widowed, then step back with the judgements of what you think it's like and how people should behave when they seek to escape this pain and try to rebuild their broken lives, and those of the children around them.

@Standrewsschool

Was your sister ill for a long time before she died. Maybe your bil did his grieving then.

Regarding posting photos, why don’t you speak to bil and request her to stop doing this.

Why would bil comply, no one is making the op look at them.

there’s no hierarchy within close family of who should feel what/ do what etc

But there is. Only a widow(er) knows when they feel ready to move on to another romantic relationship. Only a parent has the right to decide when their children should meet said partner. Of course OP has every right to feel however she wants to feel about that and I can absolutely understand why it would be extremely hard for her. But there's a difference between feeling your own feelings and judging someone else's actions.

Absolutely @halianne. Even in my worst nightmares I had no idea it could feel like this.

@peachgreen

Thank you *@ilovesooty* *@butwasitherdriveway* *@halianne* - I appreciate it

😘

@Northernparent68 don't be so disgusting

@Halianne

In general, I would trust that a parent knows their children best and therefore knows how to help them through their grief. Being introduced to a parent's new partner is not inherently damaging. In fact it can be very healing.

Without a doubt.

omg what absolute gaslighting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx1t.

9 months later? ''Here's my girlfriend kids''

btw, ''This is healing''

{everybody nods}

Meanwhile, over on the lone parent board, there'll be a mother trying to date after maybe 8 years of being alone and she'll be torn apart by married women.

We'd all like a new ''lease of life'' I'm sure as @SweetToffee put it, but when you're 100% responsible for still very young and upset/unsettled children, do you have that freedom?

But as a widower you're just trying to find the light.
If a single parent did this they'd be selfish putting a man before their DC. They'd be told to do the freedom course! A widower dating again nine short months after his wife died, he's trying to find the light. Why don't you bring him a nice lasagne. Poor man.

[quote peachgreen]@WiseOwlOne indeed, there is other pain. Some of which I've experienced myself. But no pain permeates every single aspect of one's life like widowhood, other than losing a child.

I don't see anyone being judged on this thread other than OP's BIL.[/quote]
Agreed.
I've been through betrayal, homelessness, other loss.
Nothing comes even halfway close to the absolute agony that is losing your soulmate. It PHYSICALLY hurts. That surprised me.

omg what absolute gaslighting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx1t.

Grow up

@WiseOwlOne

But as a widower you're just trying to find the light.
If a single parent did this they'd be selfish putting a man before their DC. They'd be told to do the freedom course! A widower dating again nine short months after his wife died, he's trying to find the light. Why don't you bring him a nice lasagne. Poor man.

Absolutely.

@WiseOwlOne Well, firstly, a divorced person hasn't been through the pain of widowhood. So there's one big fucking difference. Secondly, I absolutely would not be tearing someone apart for moving on after divorce. Others might. But there are plenty of people doing the same on this thread.

And maybe look up what gaslighting actually is before you accuse someone of it.

@Halianne

omg what absolute gaslighting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx1t.

Grow up

I am grown up and I'm self-aware, which is not what I see on this thread.

The delusion and the hypocrisy are breathtaking.

I'm the one who put her kids first. I had to ''find the light'' in other ways. I put my DC first. And if I even dipped a toe in to ''lease of life'' I had my wings clipped quickly enough.

The bullshit on this thread is phenomenal. Look after your children and put your children first and let them be your light.

Fuck me, step mums get ripped apart on here for meeting their partners kids within a year, yet when their mother has literally DIED some posters think that's okay??
The mind boggles.

I'm so sorry OP. Your BIL sounds like a selfish dad to be honest.

If a single parent did this they'd be selfish putting a man before their DC. They'd be told to do the freedom course! A widower dating again nine short months after his wife died, he's trying to find the light. Why don't you bring him a nice lasagne. Poor man.

Whilst widows may have something in common with single parents, in the fact that they are single parents, the circumstances that led them there are not the same, nor are the circumstances that surround that child afterwards. A widowed parent has no need to do a freedom course. Do you get why? A single parent and and absent parent is not the same as a widowed parent and a bereaved child.