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Original poster

Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

429 replies

germinal · 04/04/2021 05:55

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

OP posts:
Mistressinthetulips · 04/04/2021 13:29

But this is right for him and the kids
How can you possibly know that this is what's right for the small, recently bereaved, children? If the relationship is short lived, how are they going to feel then?

AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 04/04/2021 13:29

I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I will say that I would have judged this negatively, until a friend of mine died and I observed her husband (and kids) afterwards. They were broken and him moving on with a new woman enriched both his and their lives. It was lovely to watch them all become so much happier after so much tragedy.

littlepattilou · 04/04/2021 13:29

@germinal

I am soooo sorry for your loss. That must have been so hard. I may be wrong, but it seems like he has moved on way too fast. New woman, same name, already letting her stay over a lot. Very odd. Won't be long before she moves in, and it seems HUGELY unfair on the children. Seems like your BIL has replaced your sister as quick as he could.

Some people just simply CANNOT live without being in a relationship. I know some women who have this 'any man is better than no man' attitude, and some men also, who can't function without having a woman in their life, and in their house.

I know a woman (now 53,) who was with a man from the age of 30, and they were like soulmates; did everything together, no kids, lots of cats, 2 dogs, a bit of travelling, camping trips, very happy-hippy types.

He died of cancer (just 5 months after being diagnosed,) in 2017, and she wept uncontrollably for 5 days straight, and sobbed at his graveside at the funeral, and posted a pic on facebook 2 weeks after is death, with her holding a 4 ft x 6 ft blown pic of him over her head, with her crying, and 'R.I.P. my angel' as the tagline on the post.

Six months later, she had another man. Pics of them loved up, and going on day trips together, camping, and cuddling by the campfire, and pics on facebook saying #loveisgrand and similar things. Every one of the 200+ pics of her deceased husband, (and pics of him and her) was GONE from facebook, except one, within 5-6 weeks of the new man coming on the scene.

As I said, 6 months her husband had been dead before she started seeing this new man. And she moved on with someone who was the same as him in every way. He seemed HUGELY like a replacement. Not sure what her new man thought, about him being a carbon copy of her husband of 20 years, but everyone thought it was a bit odd.

Yeah it's her business, (before anyone says,) but people are still allowed to have an opinion on it.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 04/04/2021 13:33

I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you. But your sister was ill for a long time, your BIL will have been grieving for a lot longer than the time since she died.
9 months might not seem long to you, but it will seem like a long time to him and the children. To be honest I think it would have hurt you to see him with someone else no matter how long it had been.
When a friend of mine was dying, she was emphatic that her DH should actively look for someone, she didn't want him to be on his own. Maybe your sister had a similar conversation with your BIL.
I hope you find a way to support your BIL in this new relationship, whilst I am sure you will find it painful x

TatianaBis · 04/04/2021 13:36

It seems way too soon for the kids, as much as the rest of the family. But some men are just pants at looking after 4 young children alone.

WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 13:39

The double standards are unbelievable. Every time i ever posted on mn looking for tips or advice on how to date, i was hung drawn and quartered by posters on here. Even though in 14 years there has been one man who stayed overnight. I was trying to make it work and i asked for advice. I have seen many many other single mothers being pasted in exactly the same way. But widowers deserve so much forgiveness, understanding etc

It is astonishing how entrenched and extreme the double standard is.

Shmithecat2 · 04/04/2021 13:43

YANBU to feel the way you do, but you just need to get on with it. Maintain the relationship with them, for the sake of the children. I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

likeamillpond · 04/04/2021 13:44

There are predatory women and men who hone in on a widow within weeks of the spouse dying.
A friend of ours mid 60s had women buzzing round him like flies round.... offering to do shopping, baking for him. It was pathetic to see it.
His wife wasn't even cold and ithin 6 months he'd shacked up with one of them.
It's tragic.

What's most upsetting is there is no decent mourning period before men (and it's usually men) move on to someone new.
Most women will wait a year.
Men, you're talking months.

ContractClockAndCrucible · 04/04/2021 13:46

So sorry for your loss 💐. I'm old enough now to have known a few people lose their partners, and the men all moved on very quickly. I don't think men get judged nearly as much as women for doing this.

My SIL died aged 48 after a short illness, my brother moved on immediately. Within 5 months(!) he emailed the family to say they were getting married. Nobody responded as nobody knew what to say, we were all still coming to terms with SIL's death. His sons were both at uni and called me to say how shocked they were. I tried to explain to my brother that everyone was still reeling and to give it time, but he was furious and said none of us were invited to the wedding. They (she) spent over 40k (of SILs life insurance) on the wedding, and they divorced within 4 years. His relationship with his sons never recovered.

My best friend died suddenly, aged 51, from a cerebral aneurysm. Again, her husband was loved-up with a new partner within months, while I was still crying in random places like the supermarket. I thought it odd he'd found someone else so quickly to sleep with and I hadn't found someone else to meet for coffee.

Your situation is different as the children are young. You have to bite your tongue and be the person your sister knew she could rely on to watch out for her children.

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/04/2021 13:47

If the BiL or new partner was here asking if it was a good time to start moving in together, they would probably be told to slow down for the children’s sake. But they aren’t. The only person asking what they can do is OP. And the most likely outcome of OP criticising BiL’s decision is that the relationship with the children will suffer.

So it’s a case of put up with it for a greater good, and focus on the positives of him having someone new.

It will hurt, but so would causing damage to the OP’s bond with the grieving children.

OP I hope that you get to enjoy those children, and share memories of your sister with them as the chances arise.

peachgreen · 04/04/2021 13:57

Unless you've suffered the pain of widowhood, I'd reserve judgement. Some of the responses on this thread are horrendous.

OP, I'm so sorry that you've lost your sister. Your hurt and anger is understandable. But your BIL is suffering something I wouldn't wish on anyone, having been through it myself. It's agony. And if he has found someone that complements his life and his children's lives, please try and be happy for him. I have no doubt it's what your sister would want for them. I know that my late husband would be delighted if I met someone else and they were able to give my daughter some kind of father figure in his stead.

SplendidSuns1000 · 04/04/2021 14:04

So so sorry for your loss, OP. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to heal with this happening too.

Hopefully, with time, you'll be able to accept his partner. I'm sure it's just a shock and that she's not as bad as she seems now. You're allowed to feel however you want towards her but know that your grief will be clouding your judgement and don't feel this is how it will be forever.

I hope she's a positive person for the children to be around and that your BIL finds it easier to grieve and heal with a partner to support him.

WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 14:06

@peachgreen there is other pain you know. And it's not a hierarchy. There is a side helping of judgement with some pain though.

While other pain gets support. This reality is 'unspeakable' to some though.

Taikoo · 04/04/2021 14:10

They move on very fast, men.
Some for the right reasons.
Some because they can't get their leg over fast enough.

BungleandGeorge · 04/04/2021 14:10

The pain of sibling loss is often almost totally ignored by society. You are grieving intensely too and shouldn’t have to support other people. I honestly don’t understand how people can move on from losing someone so close so quickly and I don’t see how it’s a good thing for his children either. However we’re not all the same and There’s nothing you can do about it. I’d continue to be friendly and vent elsewhere, many people will understand how you feel. Concentrate on the children, additional bad feeling between you and their dad won’t help them

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 04/04/2021 14:24

Sorry to read of your loss. I am sure your sister would be proud if she had known how much you care about your nieces and nephews and the love you have for them.

Other than being supportive and caring for your nieces and nephews who may value even more your love as they get older, I'm not sure there is much else I can suggest.

eatsleepread · 04/04/2021 14:30

New woman sounds like a headcase. Who in their right fucking mind would enter into a relationship like this? You must want to punch her lights out if she's making herself out to be Mother Teresa all over social media.
Once again OP, I am so sorry about your sister and everything that has happened since. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling Thanks

Mittens030869 · 04/04/2021 14:32

The issue isn’t with the BIL moving on so quickly, and the OP has said that she wouldn’t judge him if he simply started dating again. It’s all about the fact that she’s involved in his young DCs’ lives so soon after their Mum’s death. It all sounds like it’s too much too soon.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. You also sound like you’re a wonderful auntie to your DNieces and DNephews. Flowers

Erkrie · 04/04/2021 14:39

So difficult for everyone when someone dies. Men do tend to form new relationships quickly, and not always successfully. Just try to be there for him and the kids and keep the channels of communication open. It's ok to feel as you do. It's ok for him to feel as he does.

peachgreen · 04/04/2021 14:43

@WiseOwlOne indeed, there is other pain. Some of which I've experienced myself. But no pain permeates every single aspect of one's life like widowhood, other than losing a child.

I don't see anyone being judged on this thread other than OP's BIL.

Halianne · 04/04/2021 14:51

indeed, there is other pain. Some of which I've experienced myself. But no pain permeates every single aspect of one's life like widowhood, other than losing a child

I agree with this. It's very easy to judge people for seemingly moving on too quickly, or not widowing in the way that they think they would/should, but guaranteed that noone knows the full gut wrenching appalling horror of it until they have been through it themselves.

peachgreen · 04/04/2021 14:57

not widowing in the way that they think they would/should

This is exactly it. I probably would have judged myself before I had experienced it. But the actual experience of being widowed is unimaginable horror and pain. There is no right or wrong way to do it. You just have to do it whatever way you can.

I'm almost 6 months in. Personally I don't feel anywhere near ready to date. But IF by some happenstance I met someone who was perfect for me, I wouldn't wait some arbitrary amount of time before dating them in order to meet other's expectations. The widowed know more than anyone that life is short and happiness can be fleeting. I would grab it with both hands.

BungleandGeorge · 04/04/2021 15:01

[quote peachgreen]@WiseOwlOne indeed, there is other pain. Some of which I've experienced myself. But no pain permeates every single aspect of one's life like widowhood, other than losing a child.

I don't see anyone being judged on this thread other than OP's BIL.[/quote]
You only know your own pain, not anyone else’s. It depends on many factors including the length and closeness of the relationship. The judgemental part is extrapolating to everyone , unless you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes you don’t know and I don’t see how it helps to diminish anyone feelings anyway

SweetToffee · 04/04/2021 15:03

Myself included like others feel that once the other person has died the person finds a new lease of life and whereas having a new partner stay over wouldn’t have been in the cards for many many many months after a bereavement they decide not to Reed cautiously or slowly. I’m sure he isn’t doing anything at such speed to hurt anyone he’s just wanting to find light in a terrible time

BungleandGeorge · 04/04/2021 15:03

The issue is not with him having a partner, it’s with involving the children who have lost their mother at a young age. But presumably their grief is less?