Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

The bullshit on this thread is phenomenal. Look after your children and put your children first and let them be your light.

The bullshit I hear is coming from people like you, who think that widowed parents and divorced parents are the same.
They are not.

Oh, one of my exes compared his divorce to the pain of losing my soulmate.
How I fucking laughed at that!

Until I met my DH I though being pregnant then being a single parent meant people felt free to give their opinions and declare what I should or shouldn’t be doing...

But fuck me when someone is widowed so many people have opinions!

Usually offensively containing the phrase “if it was me...” when they don’t have a clue what they’d do.

It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks it’s too soon, or too long, or the person is too alike or too different as long as they’re right for the person they’ve met.

[quote littlepattilou]@germinal

I am soooo sorry for your loss. That must have been so hard. I may be wrong, but it seems like he has moved on way too fast. New woman, same name, already letting her stay over a lot. Very odd. Won't be long before she moves in, and it seems HUGELY unfair on the children. Seems like your BIL has replaced your sister as quick as he could.

Some people just simply CANNOT live without being in a relationship. I know some women who have this 'any man is better than no man' attitude, and some men also, who can't function without having a woman in their life, and in their house.

I know a woman (now 53,) who was with a man from the age of 30, and they were like soulmates; did everything together, no kids, lots of cats, 2 dogs, a bit of travelling, camping trips, very happy-hippy types.

He died of cancer (just 5 months after being diagnosed,) in 2017, and she wept uncontrollably for 5 days straight, and sobbed at his graveside at the funeral, and posted a pic on facebook 2 weeks after is death, with her holding a 4 ft x 6 ft blown pic of him over her head, with her crying, and 'R.I.P. my angel' as the tagline on the post.

Six months later, she had another man. Pics of them loved up, and going on day trips together, camping, and cuddling by the campfire, and pics on facebook saying #loveisgrand and similar things. Every one of the 200+ pics of her deceased husband, (and pics of him and her) was GONE from facebook, except one, within 5-6 weeks of the new man coming on the scene.

As I said, 6 months her husband had been dead before she started seeing this new man. And she moved on with someone who was the same as him in every way. He seemed HUGELY like a replacement. Not sure what her new man thought, about him being a carbon copy of her husband of 20 years, but everyone thought it was a bit odd.

Yeah it's her business, (before anyone says,) but people are still allowed to have an opinion on it.[/quote]
Yes it’s her business and until you’ve been widowed you have no idea about it.

If he’d been terminally ill for 5 months and the outcome wasn’t going to be good then it’s very common to grieve during that time and the “hit” when they die isn’t quite so great as a shock such as an accident out of nowhere.

Widowhood can often make you embrace life going forward - you know first hand how fragile it can be and how quickly it can taken away. For some people this means a clean slate and making the most of things.

Honestly until you’ve been there don’t judge anyone because you know nothing about it.

Sorry but how exactly do we know that OP's BIL isn't putting his children first? After I was widowed I moved in with friends. My DD now enjoys a close relationship with them. Sometimes they even act in a parental role. She has benefitted hugely from this. They haven't, won't and could never replace her Daddy but they are other adults in her life that she loves and trusts. How is that any different to me meeting and introducing her to a new partner? And how is it stopping me from putting her first?

@Sillyduckseverywhere

Oh, one of my exes compared his divorce to the pain of losing my soulmate. How I fucking laughed at that!

That's horrible.

Some people (usually men) just can't cope on their own. Give her a chance though, I'm guessing you don't really know her but have taken a dislike to her because of your grief which is understandable.

This is truly shocking. She does sound horrible to do this but BIL has his own mind. All you can do is pass the time of day with her. Be polite as you seem to be. Try to get the dc over as much as you can. But I feel for you. I really really do

Just recently, there was a thread about people moving on after divorce. Consensus seemed to be that children shouldn't be subjected to new partners, and the parent should regroup and prioritise the children over their desire to find happiness with a new partner

I would have thought that was even more important for children whose parent died. Plenty of threads where people say their parent (usually father) moved on quickly after their mother died, and they didn't like it

But on this thread, lots of people saying that it's reasonable for OP's BIL to move on quickly and everyone, including his children, should just suck it up. I think MN can be quite unpredictable

No it's not that children should just suck it up. A huge amount of work generally goes in to supporting bereaved children. No one has said the children should just suck it up.

Again, the OP is not the BiL. If she had come on and said she was worried about here nieces and nephews being introduced too fast to new partners after divorce, I would also expect the advice to be to keep quiet and maintain a good relationship with the children.

But the BiL has turned to someone new for love/comfort, 2 years after learning his wife would die, and criticising him will only damage that relationship with the children. She might not be perfect, but she is what he wants right now. And like all of this, he’s doing this in lockdown presumably, with limited opportunities for them to date outside the house.

Be generous to him, and keep the relationship with your nieces and nephews. That’s what will matter in 5 years time.

Oh, and rage about the unfairness of life in private. It is utterly shit that you have lost your sister.

The situations are different.

Someone who considering a new relationship after a divorce/bereavement would be advised to prioritise the children and wait.

Someone who is dealing with a fait accompli, where BIL has already moved on and nothing can be done about it is given different advice.

OP can’t storm in saying it’s too soon and BIL needs to wait can she?

In the circs, posters are trying to reassure OP that moving on fast doesn’t mean BIL didn’t love her sister just that men often find it hard to cope alone after bereavement.

men often find it hard to cope alone after bereavement

To be clear, I think everyone finds it hard to cope alone after bereavement, especially with four children. I also think it's important to understand that loving someone new doesn't diminish the love one feels for one's deceased spouse, just as the love you feel for a second child doesn't take away from the love you feel for the first.

No one who has not been widowed should feel they have the right to sit in judgement of those who have.

There are some utterly horrible comments on this thread.

If your sister died after a long illness, then he would have had time to grieve the loss of her before she died. So although it seems he's moved on quickly, in fact he's been preparing for life without her for some time.

So sorry for your loss.

@notanothertakeaway

Just recently, there was a thread about people moving on after divorce. Consensus seemed to be that children shouldn't be subjected to new partners, and the parent should regroup and prioritise the children over their desire to find happiness with a new partner

I would have thought that was even more important for children whose parent died. Plenty of threads where people say their parent (usually father) moved on quickly after their mother died, and they didn't like it

But on this thread, lots of people saying that it's reasonable for OP's BIL to move on quickly and everyone, including his children, should just suck it up. I think MN can be quite unpredictable

I thought the children in this case were adult.

@peachgreen

men often find it hard to cope alone after bereavement

To be clear, I think everyone finds it hard to cope alone after bereavement, especially with four children. I also think it's important to understand that loving someone new doesn't diminish the love one feels for one's deceased spouse, just as the love you feel for a second child doesn't take away from the love you feel for the first.

That’s a very wise analogy @peachgreen. I guess you understand more than anyone on this thread. 💕

I am a widow and would never judge how fast someone moves on even though I don’t ever want another relationship again. For me I am stuck in the place of being the wife of a dead man. I feel no urge to move on and feel I don’t have anything to give in a new relationship as I gave it all to my husband and it would be unfair for another man to become second best.
It is probably a emotionally healthier to be able to move on and search for a slice of happy.
Everyone one who has lost a partner is different and no one has the right to judge how someone handles their grief.

I agree with 'ilovesooty' and 'museumsandgalleries'. I am a widow btw.

However people cannot help how they feel and that includes the op. She is expressing her feelings to us, not to her brother-in-law and his children.

Time will heal.

I feel your pain OP, my father is exactly the same. 3 days safer my mother died his ‘friend’ called by to pay her respects. 3 weeks later they met for drinks, 6 weeks later they had a weekend away together and 4 months later he moved her in.

Me and my brother we so shocked, angry, grieving, the pain, I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. I found it hard to accept the woman and remained cool with her.

My father became annoyed that we weren’t all over her with undying devotion and welcome, she was in the background dripping poison into the situation as she clearly felt my father and I were too close (I helped him lots with admin etc). She felt it was her place to then step into any role like that.

I could see it coming and various arguments were created by her when I asked to see my father alone etc.

Long story short he told me that if I didn’t fully accept her and treat her like a loved member of the family he wanted nothing to do with me.

So, I wasn’t prepared to be dictated to - the woman was little more than a stranger to me, I never spoke to him again. The hardest thing I ever did but you know, it’s his loss, he’s lost contact with his only two grandchildren (however he’s inherited a load of hers who have overtaken his house and drive him mad as I’ve heard through the grapevine). He’s been financially taken for a ride by her, he’s signed over half his house etc despite the fact she won’t marry him.

Any man that can be so self centred and thoughtless toward their children, no matter what the age they are, don’t deserve any thought or approval. I have no problem with people moving on after a period of time and first sounding out the feelings of their children etc but to jump straight in, I have no idea how they can even do that??

If my husband died I’d be sickened at the thought of another man that soon, why would you even want to??

My children told me their grief was less than mine. They expected to lose a parent and therefore, and I quote, were able to rationalise the loss as part of life. Admittedly, mine were early twenties and late teens when their father was killed.
Grief is deeply personal and I believe the closeness of the relationship you had with the person who died dictates how deeply you struggle with the loss.
I would never judge a grieving person’s actions or compare my loss with that of another. None of us can understand how it feels to lose a soul mate, child, sibling, parent, friend until we experience it.
I lived from one breath to the next for many months after my husband was killed. I have battled with suicidal thoughts. I have self harmed when the pain was all consuming. I go through periods of not sleeping in my bed because it triggers memories. When the weather is beautiful, I slump because I know how much he would enjoy it. It is a living hell hidden behind a smiling mask and a glib “ I’m fine, thanks!” should anyone ask.

My cousin died and left her DH with a toddler and a newborn. He started seeing his 'next wife' at about 6 months. I knew about her soon after they started dating because he lived right across the road from me but didn't say anything, it wasn't my place. My cousin's family met her at about 9 months after my cousin's death and the rest of the family shortly thereafter.

It was a shock when they announced their engagement within a year of my cousin's death. It was especially hard on my cousin's parents and her sister.

She had her faults and they later divorced, but she never put a foot in the way of the children remembering their mother. They had her picture in their rooms, remembered her to them on her birthday and Mother's Day, and encouraged her DH and the rest of us to share stories of her.

Just sit back, grit your teeth and let it unfold. There's nothing else you can do right now. Keep your sister's memory alive for her children and encourage other family members to do the same.

If my husband died I’d be sickened at the thought of another man that soon, why would you even want to??

You have absolutely no idea how you’d feel. And hopefully you never will.

If my husband died I’d be sickened at the thought of another man that soon, why would you even want to??

And there it is. The magic word, "if".