Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be devastating.

However, you have no idea how difficult it probably has been for your BIL, in lockdown, grieving and taking care of grieving DC all by himself. As much as I understand it must be a tough pill to swallow for you, try to understand his point of view and try not to judge. My uncle lost his wife, the sister of my DM over 10 years ago and last year was the first time he had a new girlfriend. We were all so happy for him, including my DGM, the mother of his late wife. He waited a long time but sometimes people meet someone much sooner. It happens.

I haven't voted, OP, because in one way you are totally justified in your anger and pain, and in another he has to be allowed to grieve his way and get on with his life because the kids rely on him totally now.

I think the raw pain of your sister's loss is now having salt rubbed in the wound with this woman.

But you don't know how established she will be, or how long she will last. It's very rebound for your brother in law. I'd be super fucked off with him too, though.

I think it's because he's brought her so quickly into the home.

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry - just putting myself for a moment in your position makes me want to go and get the kids and bring them to you and let him get on with whatever he's doing with this such different person.

Maybe you should actually have the kids with you as much as you can. Forget about him and whatever he's doing to get through. Just make your focus having some lovely times with them. Hug them. See her in them. She's alive in them. Without being in any way emotionally heavy-handed with them (you have to be very careful about this, because you're full of emotion and love), just have the best time with them.

And then he'll have time to do what he wants/needs to do.

Be forgiving, too. He needs to get through this. He needs to work this out for himself. And be the best parent he can be.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, Germinal. I am mourning a close relative who died this year, and I feel for you.

On reading your first post I was going to gently encourage you not to see this as a slight to your sister. But it sounds as if this woman wanted BIL from way back, and has seized the chance to take over while he is vulnerable. That’s unfortunate.

The DC need you as a loving supportive constant in their lives, and I’m certain it’s what your sister wanted too. So I hope you can keep your feelings about the other woman hidden, though I understand how hard that must be. The important priority is to be there for the children.

I hope the relationship you’re building with the children will be a comfort to you and them.

OP,
I cannot imagine the grief and pain you are feeling. Unbearable.

I would indeed try to keep your emotions to yourself even though it will be very hard.
By saying nothing you can stay close to the children and keep her memory alive.

As @SciFiScream wisely suggests, I would gather a large box of her stuff to keep at your home so that the children can feel very comfortable pulling it out and talking about her and asking questions.
Buying a journal and writing about her, her likes and dislikes, funny stories, anything that comes to mind now, will be lovely for them to have.

I wish you strength.

@Oblomov21

Less than 9 months. Seeing her for at least 4 months. Come on. That's super speedy. He didn't hang about did he? Less than a month after the funeral he started looking? Come on. This is disgusting.

This is so judgemental and completely lacking in empathy. Although I , like the OP, would find it painful to see this new woman around my nieces and nephews so soon after her death, can you not even try to understand the huge sense of loss that this man is feeling? It’s really not that difficult to understand without judging this grieving man’s actions as ‘disgusting’. And this message is not aimed at you, OP. I’m sorry for your loss.

After my husband died, my dc would found it really upsetting and uncomfortable if I'd had a new man staying over so soon. No way would I have done that to them

My mother remarried 10 months after my father died. He didn't replace my father but she was happier so it was what it was. The damaging thing for us kids was my father's family cutting us off. My father would never in a million years have done that to any of his nephews and nieces.

It might be hard but you are an adult and you and your family need to be there for the children. They have lost enough, to lose half their family would be awful so please try to hide your feelings and make sure your sister's children are OK.

You feel what you feel, there is no right or wrong for you anymore than there is for him. Sorry my view is a bit one sided but it still hurts me over 50 years later.

My father married a year after my mother died. My much loved aunt could not accept it and stepped back from our lives.

When she realized that we loved our stepmother and the siblings that resulted, she cut us off.

Don’t be like her. Shes lost out on so much. I’ve tried to reconnect, but she’s so bitter and refuses to accept life as it now is.

It think trying to integrate her so soon into our lives is too much too soon.

He's not trying to integrate her into your life. He's integrating her into his life. I can tell you were close to your sister and clearly miss her but this is his decision to make. If you want to stay in the livves of your nieces and nephews then you need to support him in whatever he does, whether you like it or not.

I would feel exactly the same.

It's far too soon.

The children must be so conflicted.

@WiseOwlOne

The judgement on single parents (mothers) if they try to date 18 months after a break up but people are saying people who haven't been widowed have high expectations on widows! So in this scenario it's all about the adult but in the case of a single parent, it's all about the children. There are double standards on MN, for sure!

I wouldn’t judge a single mum or dad for dating less than 18 months after the break up. We don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

I was 17 when my partner died, we had a newborn and lived with his family due to his illness. We had all the plans set for if he would die and I was struggling his parents would adopt. Yet, when I left people judged, not his family but mine. In the space of 6 months I lost everyone because people judged everything I did.

I was 26 when me and my partner broke up, after years of being in a dysfunctional relationship. Similarly to OPs BIL a flame from the past showed up and we started dating. People judge and say he was praying on the vulnerable, when for years we’d been asking each other what if. Yet everyone was surprised when me and ex split up because they didn’t know.

Like I said, no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

Tbh I am always surprised at how fast people move on. I think personally out of respect for family people should wait at least a year before getting a new partner. But that’s my personal belief and I’m sure lots of people will disagree with me.

Good points from others about not distancing yourself. Unfortunate the situation you are in is what it is. It may change your view of your BIL but you can’t show you’re upset. I empathise, being in your position would be awful

As an edit to my above post, I am sorry for your loss.

Make sure the kids know they can talk about their mum with you, but don’t force it. Don’t bring her up every visit. Don’t express distaste at their fathers choice.

My mother’s best friend did this for years. It became extremely uncomfortable to visit with her. She unwittingly made me feel disloyal to my mother by not hating my stepmother or siblings.
I pulled away from that relationship. It wasn’t healthy for me, to always be made to feel lacking.

I choose to believe my mother would be thrilled my stepmother was so good to me and I had more siblings to make my life more full.

So sorry for your loss OP

@MinesAPintOfTea

Would it comfort you to hear that most widowers who get into a new relationship after their wife's death, do so because they had had a happy marriage? It's the unhappy ones who don't look for someone new.

And sorry for your loss

This ^

But YANBU - you are still grieving and it isn't long since your DS died. Of course you are upset - but he is probably very lonely without another adult to share his life.

He may one day find a new wife (this lady or another) though he will not replace the woman he loved and lost, and nor your nieces and nephews, but you will NEVER get another sister. There is a huge difference.

The issue is not that he is ready to move on, it's that by going public with his new relationship he's forcing others affected by the death to move on before they're ready.

We should all acknowledge that everyone grieves at their own speed and allow them the space to do so but, when a widower (or widow) moves on sooner, they feel happy with the new person and want to share that happiness with their close friends and family. I think they just lack the awareness to appreciate that they need to give those people a little more time. I think there is a lot to be said for having an etiquette to follow in such situations, and it would actually save the wider family a lot of pain if there was an official mourning period - a year is reasonable - before introducing a new partner to the family.

I'm not saying that the widower (or widow) should be prevented by convention from developing a new relationship before a year is up, completely the opposite, just that there needs to be an acknowledgement that it is not all about them, particularly true if there are children affected, whatever their age. Adult children also need space and time to grieve the loss of a parent.

That must be very hard. I would be concerned that he has introduced this lady into his grieving childrens lives so soon after her death. That is selfish and thoughtless and they must be very confused. He certainly isnt putting there needs first. Sounds like he wanted another woman to take over 'mummy' duties if he is already allowing her to parade round town with them in tow and allowing her to share photos on social media.

It’s so kind of people who have lost a parent to share their experiences, I am noting them all.

So much love to everyone going through such pain and having lost so much. I would never turn my back in my sisters family. The kids mean so much to me ♥️♥️♥️

He was bound to meet someone after your sister OP. No one would want someone to be single and lonely forever. I think it’s also a good thing that she’s completely opposite so she won’t be in the sisters shadow constantly. I don’t agree with her meeting the kids though that’s way way too soon. A year down the line maybe but 5 months no chance.

Only time will tell what happens. You can still do your sisters wishes of keeping her memory alive.

I don't understand why you are crying about this. Some people meet another partner after a wife or Husbands death, there is no time limit for this to happen.. There is no disrespect for the person who has passed away at all. People are all different, and have to find their own ways to go after being bereaved.

When my dad moved on after my mum died, he explained that his new lady wasn't ever a replacement for my mum - he would always love her first and foremost - but a bonus. This was quite late in life (70s). She was lovely and quite different. Quite possibly your BIL feels the same.

Ah I'm so sorry, OP. That must be tough.

You know what, maybe he can't be with someone who's more like your sister because it would keep serving painful reminders (or perhaps even invite comparisons).

Someone totally different from her might mean he feels less like he's dancing on your sister's grave.

I totally get that this is hard... You feel like your DS will be forgotten, you worry about the kids...

But I agree with first poster.. There has been studies that show that men that have good successful marriages and loose their wife due to a critical illness are far more likely to settle into another long term relationship quite quickly... They actively crave and look for that successful relationship that made them happy.

Perhaps she is different to your DS because her being too similar would be hard for him...

@Ariela

When my dad moved on after my mum died, he explained that his new lady wasn't ever a replacement for my mum - he would always love her first and foremost - but a bonus. This was quite late in life (70s). She was lovely and quite different. Quite possibly your BIL feels the same.

But your dad didn't move a new woman into staying over with his young children 9 months later.

My dad did the same as yours. Totally different and understandable.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

It really isn't anything to do with you who he sees. You know nothing of the background, maybe when alive your sister and him discussed this and both agreed to move on if that's what they wanted. Why should he stay alone and what in your opinion is a suitable to stay alone? He is happy, the kids are happy and the new gf is happy. You are not happy understandably because you've lost your sister, people deal with loss in different ways. Nobody is right. But this is right for him and the kids, do not try and guilt them into being unhappy just because you are.

This.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but, said very kindly, your BIL's new relationship isn't about you.