Page 12 | Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

germinal · 2021-04-04T04:55:35+00:00

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

GabsAlot · 04/04/2021 17:58

So sorry for your op how awful

my dm died of cancer all happened within 6 months and 4 weeks after she died my dad had moved on to someone else-it really tore us all apart we were just told to accept it

i do hope you get to stay in touch its so hard

ancientgran · 04/04/2021 17:59

@Willyoujustbequiet

I do think that's indecently fast and I've had personal experience of this in my family.

He's not acting in the dc best interests. The poor kids are grieving, confused and probably don't know if they are coming or going. Introducing another woman at this time is incredibly selfish.

As a child who went through this I don't agree. Nine months is a very long time to a young child. It would be much worse for them if they were living in misery with the curtains drawn and dad in sackcloth and ashes.

Helenia · 04/04/2021 18:09

He's not acting in the dc best interests. The poor kids are grieving, confused and probably don't know if they are coming or going. Introducing another woman at this time is incredibly selfish

You don't even know him. Or considered that their grieving may have started a long time before their mother died. Or what steps he's taken to support his children through this both before and after. Yet you make a sweeping judgement like this anyway. You're not unique in this judgemental behaviour though. Sadly.

madmara · 04/04/2021 18:52

I'm sure it's hard for you but I think you have to keep shtum and maintain a close relationship with your nieces and nephews.

I would not judge anyone for moving on after a bereavement no matter the length of time. It's very easy for others whose daily routine has not changed to think that the bereaved partner should be sitting in an appropriate period of mourning. And no matter the length of time, it'll still be too short for some people.

The general consensus on here is that a couple should split if the relationship is unhappy and the children will be happier in two happy homes rather than one unhappy home. I imagine it's similar if children are living with a parent consumed by grief - maybe another adult that is removed from the grief who can provide some normality and moments of light relief, while still maintaining the memory of their mother, would be a good thing.

In this case, I would take comfort that the new partner is an ex - she obviously knows the man well and the feelings are genuine.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 19:00

@Willyoujustbequiet

I do think that's indecently fast and I've had personal experience of this in my family.

He's not acting in the dc best interests. The poor kids are grieving, confused and probably don't know if they are coming or going. Introducing another woman at this time is incredibly selfish.

That's quite an assumption. Are the children still children or adult?

Mittens030869 · 04/04/2021 19:05

The OP’s nieces and nephews are young, the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 11.

Crankley · 04/04/2021 19:11

He's not acting in the dc best interests. The poor kids are grieving, confused and probably don't know if they are coming or going. Introducing another woman at this time is incredibly selfish.

Unless you know the people involved, it's all in your imagination. You don't know if he's acting in the DC's best interests. You don't know whether the DC are confused. You don't know if he has been selfish or not introducing his new partner.

The bottom line is that you and others like you on here Do Not Know.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/04/2021 19:21

Time is a number

I met my new partner 9mths after dh died

Some found it hard. ESP his friends

Others happy for me as dp now df made me happy and dh broke my heart killing his self

Diff I didn’t have kids

You have to think of them

Not saying never meet anyone or let them stay but 5mths after seems soon if kids to consider

Hard to have same name as well

A friend whose dp died, , met another man with same name. I do find it weird. ESP as an unusual name for our age groups

Rainbowsleepysloth · 04/04/2021 19:27

The new girlfriend is an ex probably for good reason. It seems like she is the one calling the shots here. You BIL is probably drowning in grief and very vulnerable. I’m so sorry OP I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. It sounds like your sister was a wonderful person 💔

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/04/2021 19:36

It's not a sweeping judgement. Having had more than my fair share of grief both as a child and adult as well as copious amounts of grief counselling and having experienced this first hand I am better placed than the majority of posters it would sadly appear. It is selfish to not consider the needs of the children first. The loss of a mother at a young age is not something you recover from in a few months no matter how keen some posters are to justify it.

JustLyra · 04/04/2021 19:42

The loss of a mother at a young age is not something you recover from in a few months no matter how keen some posters are to justify it.

Not one single person had said or suggested that.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 19:42

@Mittens030869

The OP’s nieces and nephews are young, the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 11.

I didn't know that.

Well at least she hasn't moved in and the children have time to get to know her.

JustLyra · 04/04/2021 19:42

It’s also downright rude to the people who’ve shared their experiences to suggest that anyone has.

Helenia · 04/04/2021 19:42

Are you a widow Willyoujustbequiet

Fieldsofstars · 04/04/2021 19:56

You can keep your sisters memory alive without deflecting it off his new partner. Nobody will ever replace your sister.

You are being unreasonable. There’s no correct time frame for moving on, we often meet people in situations we are not looking to.
Be happy he is moving on. It doesn’t change the past or make the past mean anything less.

daffodilsandprimroses · 04/04/2021 20:00

I agree with you willyoujustbequiet but sadly it seems we are in a minority.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/04/2021 20:04

@Candleabra

I'm a widow. If I had a pound for every person who has started a sentence with "If it was me...."

Turns out people have very clear opinions on what they would or wouldn't do if their partners died. And aren't shy about expressing them. Being on the receiving end, it feels like constant judgement.
Life is short, happiness can be fleeting, you should grab every opportunity with both hands. Losing your love is so poleaxing that you can't imagine it unless it happens to you.

💕

Oh they so do!!!

Till you have been in they position when you partner/spouse dies

You just don’t know how will react

Life is too short. Tomorrow doesn’t always come

So if you are lucky enough to meet someone then embrace it

Fieldsofstars · 04/04/2021 20:04

@Willyoujustbequiet their dad moving on doesn’t change anything about their relationship and grieving process with their mother.
He has a girlfriend, not a mum replacement.

Fieldsofstars · 04/04/2021 20:09

@Blondeshavemorefun 100%. My dad died 16 months ago and his wife moved on what some people would say quickly, I was nothing more than happy for her.
It must’ve been scary to be alone and dealing with all the grief, I’m glad someone has helped take that away from her.

PermanentTemporary · 04/04/2021 20:09

It sounds very difficult. I would go to your GP and ask for counselling for your grief. It is so hard to lose a sibling, I can hardly imagine.

I'm going to tell you my story because although I can see exactly why you're so hurt and so worried, I don't think what you describe is that unusual.

DH died suddenly but was very ill for some time. I had terrible intense crushes on other men from a few days after he died. I was just about sane enough to know it was all part of grief, and also partly the difficulty of his long slow deterioration over years which did affect our relationship. The crushes were so awful that I moved on to look for casual hookups from about 9 months after dh died. I tried to keep it all reasonably apart from ds - they didn't come to the house etc. I have no way of knowing at the moment whether I managed this in a good way. That phase was forcibly ended by lockdown, and recently I'm seeing someone more normally.

Try and be compassionate; if you can't, you don't have to see a lot of your BIL. But try not to close doors. Things change, time does heal. The woman he's with might be a good person, the children might find some positives having her in their lives. There aren't strict rules about these things.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 04/04/2021 20:16

My mum died when I was 6 and my sibling 8, our parents had been happily married for nearly 20 years when she died.
My dad remarried 6 months later. He couldn’t function alone, he had some confused idea about us needing to have a mum-figure in our lives. He was very much still grieving (and still in 35 years later) but felt for some reason it was the right thing to do.

Step mum didn’t replace our mum, she didn’t try to. She supported us all as we grieved and gave us some sort of normality. She took us to put flowers out on our mums grave etc.

My mums family were shocked but they didn’t get angry with dad. They accepted step mum and came to the wedding. They wanted to remain close to us as a family despite not really thinking it was the greatest idea.

It wasn’t a very long marriage really, a few years. Dad knows it was a decision made when overwhelmed with grief and trying to do what he thought was right. But it really didn’t do us any harm and I think it really helped us all through some very difficult years.

QualityRoads · 04/04/2021 20:19

I am so sorry for your loss.

The new lady is not a replacement for your sister. Your brother-in-law will never forget his wife. He will hold her memory dear and always love her. That is how it works with being widowed. You love the departed person and the new one as well. It doesn't mean that he loves your sister any less. I am speaking from experience.

Take it as a compliment to your sister that he is happy to embark on a new relationship. The children still have you and your brother-in-law has a partner to help him through life.

When you have got further through your grief it will be easier to see this.

ancientgran · 04/04/2021 20:26

@Willyoujustbequiet

It's not a sweeping judgement. Having had more than my fair share of grief both as a child and adult as well as copious amounts of grief counselling and having experienced this first hand I am better placed than the majority of posters it would sadly appear. It is selfish to not consider the needs of the children first. The loss of a mother at a young age is not something you recover from in a few months no matter how keen some posters are to justify it.

I lost my father when I was a child, 10 months later my mother remarried. He wasn't a replacement, I wasn't traumatised by her marrying, I was by my father dying and I was by his family cutting all ties with us. You don't have to recover to accept your parent is moving on.

So these children might be like you or they might be like me. None of us know them other than the OP and she is clearly grieving at the moment and maybe not ready for this even if the children are.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 04/04/2021 20:28

It's very soon to have someone staying over with your kids in the house regardless. After 5 months? YANBU.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/04/2021 20:30

Very sensitive
But agree you shouldn’t fall out with him
And .... look after yourself as you grieve her
So id it’s too painful
Visit less , offer to babysit kids so you can see them without them