Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

@peachgreen

men often find it hard to cope alone after bereavement

To be clear, I think everyone finds it hard to cope alone after bereavement, especially with four children. I also think it's important to understand that loving someone new doesn't diminish the love one feels for one's deceased spouse, just as the love you feel for a second child doesn't take away from the love you feel for the first.

Sure, but broadly speaking ime more men move on fast than women and I think it’s partly that they’re not used to running the house, doing the childcare as well as their job and they struggle with those aspects more than women in the same situation.

You obviously can't reconcile with the fact that it has happened so soon but maybe whenever he chose to enter into a new relationship would be difficult for you. I also think it's likely that you would never like the new woman.

We all only get one life and should live it as we choose.

However people cannot help how they feel and that includes the op. She is expressing her feelings to us, not to her brother-in-law and his children.

This is true. And she made it clear that she wouldn’t be saying anything to her BIL. This was simply a safe place to vent without causing hurt in RL. That is where MN is at its best, I find.

@TatianaBis yes I think statistically widowers remarry quicker than widows and that certainly could be a part of it, although I also wonder how much of it is to do with society being more accepting of men moving on than women.

Sure, but broadly speaking ime more men move on fast than women and I think it’s partly that they’re not used to running the house, doing the childcare as well as their job and they struggle with those aspects more than women in the same situation.

I also think it’s probably partly (in fact I’d say more so) that men wouldn’t let other people’s “well, if I was you I’d...” stop them doing things more.

I married a widower, and when I was first dating him I read quite a few articles - including survey results and statistics - about the speed at which men date again / remarry.

I would have the same feelings as you about the speed, but at least it may help you to know it isn’t that unusual.

With regards to keeping your sister’s memory alive... my stepchildren, 10 years on, talk about their mum LOADS. Just in normal conversation, “do you remember when mum couldn’t open that deckchair?” in a random conversation about beach holidays, that sort of thing. My husband talks about her to me as well, when the kids aren’t around. She is very much still in their thoughts - not with sadness all the time, the “remember when...” comments are often just conversational.

If my husband died I’d be sickened at the thought of another man that soon, why would you even want to??

If your husband had actually died you may begin to understand the answer to that question. But as he hasn't, and lucky for you too btw, you are in the fortunate position of not understanding that.

Why wouldn't widows want to move on past their grief and find a future / happiness / share their life with another adult that they love?

The judgements here are appalling.

@Mistressinthetulips

But this is right for him and the kids How can you possibly know that this is what's right for the small, recently bereaved, children? If the relationship is short lived, how are they going to feel then?

The same way you don’t know it won’t work out.

As I said, my father remained a year after my mother died. I was 11.

My stepmother was the best thing for me.

It happens

I think another point is demonising OP's BIL's new partner. Again, totally understandable for OP to do so because she can't possibly be objective. But in actuality, dating a widow or widower isn't an easy thing, as I'm sure @Cocomarine would agree. And one with four children, no less. I actually think that takes a special person, in general.

But again, OP's feelings are completely understandable.

@LovePoppy thank you for sharing that. Just as step and adoptive parents can bring joy and positivity to children's lives, I truly believe widowed people's new partners can do too. But it's nice to hear it from someone who has been there.

[quote Butwasitherdriveway]@Northernparent68 don't be so disgusting[/quote]
Please explain how I was being disgusting. I said the children will always remember their mother.

With regards to keeping your sister’s memory alive... my stepchildren, 10 years on, talk about their mum LOADS. Just in normal conversation, “do you remember when mum couldn’t open that deckchair?” in a random conversation about beach holidays, that sort of thing. My husband talks about her to me as well, when the kids aren’t around. She is very much still in their thoughts - not with sadness all the time, the “remember when...” comments are often just conversational.

This is the same here. DS was very young when his Mummy died so he doesn’t have many actual memories, but stories of her are talked about lots. Her photos are still dotted around even though he mostly lives away for uni.

She’s talked about often enough that I took two of my youngest to lay flowers for her today even though DS is isolating (at his flatshare) because it’s part of what we do at Easter. Obviously in the beginning, for a long time, it was something DH did with him alone, but then when DH was ill I took him.

We’re maybe unusual in how well we get on but DH’s MIL is now referred to as my OtherMIL. She spends time in our home and she’s part of our family and she often shared stories about her DD.

@GizmoBasil

Fuck me, step mums get ripped apart on here for meeting their partners kids within a year, yet when their mother has literally DIED some posters think that's okay?? The mind boggles.

I'm so sorry OP. Your BIL sounds like a selfish dad to be honest.

Not by me they don’t.

Parents get to make the choices for their family over what extended family think.

@JustLyra

With regards to keeping your sister’s memory alive... my stepchildren, 10 years on, talk about their mum LOADS. Just in normal conversation, “do you remember when mum couldn’t open that deckchair?” in a random conversation about beach holidays, that sort of thing. My husband talks about her to me as well, when the kids aren’t around. She is very much still in their thoughts - not with sadness all the time, the “remember when...” comments are often just conversational.

This is the same here. DS was very young when his Mummy died so he doesn’t have many actual memories, but stories of her are talked about lots. Her photos are still dotted around even though he mostly lives away for uni.

She’s talked about often enough that I took two of my youngest to lay flowers for her today even though DS is isolating (at his flatshare) because it’s part of what we do at Easter. Obviously in the beginning, for a long time, it was something DH did with him alone, but then when DH was ill I took him.

We’re maybe unusual in how well we get on but DH’s MIL is now referred to as my OtherMIL. She spends time in our home and she’s part of our family and she often shared stories about her DD.

Gosh that’s so freaking lovely.

I’m so happy for you all.

@Taikoo

They move on very fast, men. Some for the right reasons. Some because they can't get their leg over fast enough.

Why do people always say this about men? Women can move on quickly when they are widowed, I said earlier my mother got married 10 months after my father died, she didn't meet him the day of the wedding. I would say she started seeing him about six months after my father died.

People are all different, looking back I'm happier that my mother found someone else rather than spent the next 30 years alone.

Men do often move on more quickly. It's just a fact. Numerous reasons for it no doubt, but men are more likely to meet someone within the one year mark. Women of course can do too. But it's less common for them to do so.

@peachgreen

I think another point is demonising OP's BIL's new partner. Again, totally understandable for OP to do so because she can't possibly be objective. But in actuality, dating a widow or widower isn't an easy thing, as I'm sure *@Cocomarine* would agree. And one with four children, no less. I actually think that takes a special person, in general.

But again, OP's feelings are completely understandable.

I agree with this too. I've been with a widower for over 2 years. It's hard to think people will hate me for just being me. My DP loves me, my friends and adult DC love me, I'm not a vile human being because I'm not the late wife 😕

Batshit 💖

@Helenia

Men do often move on more quickly. It's just a fact. Numerous reasons for it no doubt, but men are more likely to meet someone within the one year mark. Women of course can do too. But it's less common for them to do so.

Maybe more do but so what? Everyone copes the best they can, it isn't something unique for men to find someone else.

@BatshitCrazyWoman Hang in there. It does get easier.

And for all the shit I took from various people I can hand in heart say it was worth it .

Gosh that’s so freaking lovely.

Thanks @LovePoppy. It was hard work, and inevitably bumps along the way, but I’m very lucky. If I can have half the strength of OMIL I’ll be very proud.

Maybe more do but so what? Everyone copes the best they can, it isn't something unique for men to find someone else

There is no so what. I was just responding to your post saying Why do people always say this about men. And my response is because it's true 🤷

I'm hardly going to say men (or women for that matter) shouldn't move on. I'm widowed myself. I think people need to find happiness where they can.

[quote JustLyra]@BatshitCrazyWoman Hang in there. It does get easier.

And for all the shit I took from various people I can hand in heart say it was worth it .

Gosh that’s so freaking lovely.

Thanks @LovePoppy. It was hard work, and inevitably bumps along the way, but I’m very lucky. If I can have half the strength of OMIL I’ll be very proud.[/quote]
Thank you. He's an amazing man, he's worth it!

I'm a widow. If I had a pound for every person who has started a sentence with "If it was me...."

Turns out people have very clear opinions on what they would or wouldn't do if their partners died. And aren't shy about expressing them. Being on the receiving end, it feels like constant judgement.
Life is short, happiness can be fleeting, you should grab every opportunity with both hands. Losing your love is so poleaxing that you can't imagine it unless it happens to you.

This reminds me of the conservative Evangelical church where I grew up. A new young pastor joined (after I’d left home) with his wife and young family. His wife died tragically of leukaemia, leaving the whole church devastated.

Then when he announced that he was remarrying just under a year later, to a younger woman in the church, there was outrage. She’d grown up in the church and had helped out with babysitting the children whilst he had been with his wife in hospital. (Their two families were very close.) She’s made him and his kids very happy and they’re still happily married 23 years on. (She’s a friend on Facebook.)

It was all completely above board, but the church wouldn’t accept the new relationship and he was forced to quit his post as pastor. Simply because he moved on before his congregation were ready for a new pastor’s wife.

I do think that's indecently fast and I've had personal experience of this in my family.

He's not acting in the dc best interests. The poor kids are grieving, confused and probably don't know if they are coming or going. Introducing another woman at this time is incredibly selfish.