Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

It's cruel to stand by with this knowledge. I get you didn't want to know but come on, this woman is going to be hit in a few years with a hell of a bombshell that her marriage has been a joke. She is most likely sleeping with him still, putting herself at risk. Sarah is a foul, nasty person. She does not care she is playing a main role in a family's devastation. Those poor kids. The husband should drop off the face of the earth he is an absolute scum bag. I'd make it clear I'm holding no secrets for such vile people. They are liars at best and deliberately cruel at worst. I'd lose all respect for Sarah personally.

I don't understand people telling OP to be loyal to her best friend. The 'best friend' has literally proven she is a shit friend who is willing and able to betray a friend in one of the worst possible ways while lying to her face! Why would anyone want to preserve a friendship with someone like that? With a disloyal, selfish, shitty friend? Just...why?? She clearly doesn't value friendship!!

Maybe op doesn't want to break up the gang-bang as Sarah is currently occupied and if the shit hit the fan and John didn't leave his oh then Sarah would be on the prowl and may come looking for revenge... with op's husband, who obviously pussy-worships the godlike Sarah and would probably be unable to say no.

@BeanWriting

The secret couple are picking and choosing what they want from other people and how they want other people to relate to their friends or even partners. They would like to have support with no consequences or obligations.

One wants unconditional support from a female friend and the right to dictate that friend's intimacy with her own husband. The other wants a loving and committed wife without being a loving and committed partner.

What kind of relationship do you want with your husband? If he is your best friend he will care about how bad you are feeling about your female friend turning out not to be the person you thought they were.

What incredibly insightful words, @BeanWriting.

@MachineGinKelly - I think your friend has put you in a very difficult position, and I would be very tempted to tell her so - and to tell her that you will find it impossible to keep this secret from your husband.

No I don't think my husband has cheated on me with my best friend, may I ask people to maybe be careful what they put in people's heads online?

Oh the irony. I bet Emma never thought her DH would cheat on her with her friend either.

I understand you are in an untenable position which you didn’t ask for OP. Especially with lockdown easing and meet ups potentially being arranged. I would put my own MH first in your situation as I would find it unbearable to have this information and pretend I didn’t. You’ve already said it’s giving you stomach issues. If it’s Sarah who’s MH you’re worried about, well I think the fallout for Emma knowing her DH has been shagging her friend for 4+ years will be much worse when she finds out other people knew and didn’t tell her.

Or if they do get together in a few years and Emma finds out the length of the betrayal and that all those years were a lie! I’d want to do what I could to mitigate that and not let her waste any more years without the knowledge to choose to share her life with the pair of nasty, cheating bastards.

You must have pretty low standards if you want Sarah as a friend still after finding out what sort of person she is.

I’d also be quite concerned about your DH’s ‘idolisation’ of Sarah. He is your husband and should be someone you can discuss this with (Sarah brought you into it and made it your business). Sounds well dodgy to me that he doesn’t want you to tell him anything negative about her and even more dodgier that you agree with him!

I think you’re probably better off just leaving the friendship group full stop. It’s not like you’re a friend, in any form, to anyone but Sarah. You might as well concentrate on her and your husband. You’ve chosen your team. Team no guts and no morals.

Poor Emma, nobody has her back...not her husband, not her friend Sarah or OP. Every single one of them is putting themselves and their own needs and wants ahead of her. Poor poor woman, she deserves better people in her life.

I do not get why everyone is so angry with OP. You are all projecting what you THINK.you would do, with no idea what you would ACTUALLY do. It's an internet lynching with very sinister undertones. Disgusting.

You do not care for OP, her DH or any of the players at all. You arenprojecting in the very worst fashion.

@sofato5miles

But many people here aren't just projecting. They have been in the OP's position, or they have been in Emma's position and wish to God someone had had the decency to tell them what was going on.

The OP asked, we answered - and we can only judge based on the information we are given. Obviously this hasn't gone how the OP hoped, but that doesn't matter as she's made up her own mind anyway.

And hey, as long as the all-important Sarah doesn't get knocked off her pedestal, everything's fine.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not angry at OP, just irritated that she asked our advice but clearly had made her mind up and didn't like it when others suggested anything she didn't want to hear - and she clearly didn't want to hear about the possibility her husband could be that OM with the OW. I feel for her, but not when she's wasted our time.

Another one who isn't angry. Just glad OP isn't my friend.

@TimeForTeaAndG

Another one who isn't angry. Just glad OP isn't my friend.

That’s unfair on OP. Have you been in her shoes? John’s wife may not want to know he’s cheating this is common! She’s probably knows already and CHOOSES to not notice.

I'm not angry at OP, I just feel so sorry for poor Emma. She deserves better friends (& a better husband too obviously)

I’ve been Emma (although thankfully not humiliated for such a long time, “only” a couple of months of cheating/lying behind my back with everyone knowing rather than four years). So I know how one person in this scenario will feel. I think I feel disappointed in the OP rather than angry.

I understand the different moral perspectives, however there are usually different factors as to why people engage in affairs, although this thread is also a good example.of why when having any kind of affair it's best to just talk to the fridge, rather than e.g. Your close friend, especially if the situation goes pickles.

@MachineGinKelly

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn! I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments. We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought. Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend. Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

One main point to consider, is if you say x then chances are both parties will deny, then unless you have a solid case with photography, copies of messages, dates times, ect to prove your side, then if you have not, it will basically be x said x, or y said y ect after all they are unlikely to confess to their respective partners.

Hm, I too sense something fishy with Sarah and the OP's husband.

It gets vicious on here.
I didn't post in the hope you would all help me justify not telling Emma what's going on. I posted on here because I felt lonely and worried over something I didn't want to know about and didn't know what to do with. I wanted to simply talk and get advice on how to cope. I didn't expect people to not only suggest my husband is having an affair with my best friend, but to double, triple and quadruple down on trying to make me believe it just to emotionally manipulate me into doing something you all think I should. You can all day it as many times as you want but you're not breaking me. When people post on here you have no idea what their mental state is or what sets them off, making a stranger believe their husband could be unfaithful is really dangerous and vicious.
My husbands reaction isn't strange. He stays out of most of the things I try to tell him. With Sarah he's her boss as well as her friend, he knows that conflict is delicate and so he tries to keep out of things that might spill into both.

I've said over and over it's not as easy as just going to Emma and telling her the truth. There's a lot to consider. I'm not protecting Sarah, I know she wouldn't fall out with me if I did tell Emma, and I don't really care if John would be angry at me.
I haven't lashed out at anyone for disagreeing with me or my decision, I've asked you to consider what effects your words might have. Calling me gutless and saying I'm a terrible friend.
If you want to play on my emotions, you really aren't considering that I've already said there is a vulnerable person in this situation and I'd feel a lot worse if I caused them to end up back in a bad place again.

You don't understand. I can't win! By staying quiet Emma goes on living a lie with a husband who is cheating on her and a friend who is not really a friend and me keeping something from her. If I tell her I risk her not believing me and losing everyone anyway as well as potentially steering someone straight into a dangerous situation that might never rectify.

I was hoping just for people to talk to. I knew there would be fuelled reactions but didn't expect to be the one on trial here. Like I've said before I've been cheated on and my anger for Emma is high, if I felt it was safe to go tell her right now I would, but there's always more to a picture than you can see.

@MachineGinKelly

It gets vicious on here. I didn't post in the hope you would all help me justify not telling Emma what's going on. I posted on here because I felt lonely and worried over something I didn't want to know about and didn't know what to do with. I wanted to simply talk and get advice on how to cope. I didn't expect people to not only suggest my husband is having an affair with my best friend, but to double, triple and quadruple down on trying to make me believe it just to emotionally manipulate me into doing something you all think I should. You can all day it as many times as you want but you're not breaking me. When people post on here you have no idea what their mental state is or what sets them off, making a stranger believe their husband could be unfaithful is really dangerous and vicious. My husbands reaction isn't strange. He stays out of most of the things I try to tell him. With Sarah he's her boss as well as her friend, he knows that conflict is delicate and so he tries to keep out of things that might spill into both. I've said over and over it's not as easy as just going to Emma and telling her the truth. There's a lot to consider. I'm not protecting Sarah, I know she wouldn't fall out with me if I did tell Emma, and I don't really care if John would be angry at me. I haven't lashed out at anyone for disagreeing with me or my decision, I've asked you to consider what effects your words might have. Calling me gutless and saying I'm a terrible friend. If you want to play on my emotions, you really aren't considering that I've already said there is a vulnerable person in this situation and I'd feel a lot worse if I caused them to end up back in a bad place again.

You don't understand. I can't win! By staying quiet Emma goes on living a lie with a husband who is cheating on her and a friend who is not really a friend and me keeping something from her. If I tell her I risk her not believing me and losing everyone anyway as well as potentially steering someone straight into a dangerous situation that might never rectify.

I was hoping just for people to talk to. I knew there would be fuelled reactions but didn't expect to be the one on trial here. Like I've said before I've been cheated on and my anger for Emma is high, if I felt it was safe to go tell her right now I would, but there's always more to a picture than you can see.

The problem seems to be one, keep the secret or two confess what you know, but then if you do confess you have seen how that could come across with just your word vs theres, other than those, what else would you prefer to discuss about the situation ?

@sofato5miles

I do not get why everyone is so angry with OP. You are all projecting what you THINK.you would do, with no idea what you would ACTUALLY do. It's an internet lynching with very sinister undertones. Disgusting.

You do not care for OP, her DH or any of the players at all. You arenprojecting in the very worst fashion.

Well said, @sofato5miles. What I've learned from this thread is never to post anything on mumsnet that really bothers me personally.

Oh dear, OP! Sorry we haven't helped much. But I suppose there is no "win" for anyone in this situation, hence the dramatic puppet-theatre everyone has made out of it.

The thing is the reaction the op is getting here is mostly likely to be the reaction of all her friends when this all comes out.

That's what she also has to think about. By keeping it secret she's allying herself with the cheaters so in some ways she'll be seen as no better. She's in on the dirty little secret so will be tarred with the same brush.

Yes. The op isn't cheating. But she's complicit. That will make people feel they can't trust the op as she's shown she will cover up for others. As people have said here - they're glad the op's not their friend.

So I'd expect people to distance themselves from the op when this comes out. I can't honestly say I wouldn't do the same thing. If you can't trust someone what is there.

I’ve had a Sarah, my ex DH of 20 years slept with my best friend for years, no one told me, they all knew.

When it came out, other than ex SIL who was not in a position to tell me (would be in danger from her twat of a DH), I cut off every single one of them. Not one decided to make less of a fool of me and my children and knowing that that woman could be with me every day and shag my husband was far worse than actually how I felt about him.

Keep her secret if it’s too difficult not to, but I would be questioning any further relationship with her, or the closeness with your DH as she’s a manipulative liar. Cut them all off and step away completely.

There is the easy choice and the moral one, if it’s Emma’s mental health you are concerned for, believe me that knowing the truth will help because it was my constant “something is wrong but he’s gaslighting me” was far far worse for my MH at the time. I’m stronger now.

If it’s Sarah’s MH well frankly that’s her problem and being a liar and a cheat isn’t driven by MH issues as much as my ex would have me believe.

Oh gosh @Sstrongtn, that is awful.
I'm glad you're out the other side.
As I've said before Emma needs to know.
Could you do it anonymously OP.
I know it's the coward's way put but....

I didn't tell my close friend of rumours about her h and another woman.
I had no proof.
My friend says she wished she knew sooner.

When your friend finds out her husband was cheating on her and ask you if you knew, what will you say?

Don’t use someone’s MH as an excuse not to tell
Emma the truth. That’s really insulting.

I have suffered with really shit MH in the past, but don’t try and hide things from me FFS. Because when I DO eventually find out, and also find out that you tried to keep it from me, that’s going to be WORSE than if you just told me straight up in the first place.

It’s going to be devastating for Emma and her children when she finds out. It’s going to be ten times WORSE when she also realises you KNEW and said NOTHING.

Don’t fool yourself that you are doing her NAY favours trying to ‘protect’ her from the truth.

He ‘husband’ and ‘best mate’ are already pissing all over her dignity - don't you join in as well