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Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
misskatamari · 05/05/2021 12:30

I think the worst thing about all this, is that Sarah is still "close" to Emma, and that Emma views her as a best friend. It would be bad enough if it was two members of the group who weren't close, but for Sarah to actively keep up the pretence of a close friendship, while having an affair with the womans husband...I have no words for what an utter betrayal that is. I don't care how good a friend she is to you, I couldn't view someone in the same way if i knew they were capable of being so callous and manipulative. Disgusting behaviour on Sarah's part. I hope Emma finds this out before to long, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way by two of the people she trusts the most. I know it's a shit situation for you, and you don't want to deal with the fall out. Fair enough. I know I couldn't live with myself knowing that this was going on, and my friend being in the dark. Such a betrayal

LadyEloise · 23/05/2021 10:33

Has Sarah continued the affair @MachineGinKelly ?
Has Emma fund out ?

LadyEloise · 23/05/2021 13:44

Found out, not fund out Blush

TortolaParadise · 04/06/2021 09:56

I was following this so closely. What was decided?

grapewine · 04/06/2021 10:11

Just don't pretend to be any kind of friend to Emma at this point. You're not.

Sarah is a cow, but if that's who you want to associate with, that's your lookout.

freckles20 · 04/06/2021 10:52

I think you should definitely tell your husband OP. Assuming you are a close unit there's no need to shoulder this alone. You are not the one in the wrong here, and you shouldn't be put in the position of not being able to tell him something like this.

If you don't tell Emma then when this comes out it's likely that every member of this friendship group will drift away from you and Sarah. So I guess it partly depends on how you feel about that.

I'd like to think that I'd stand by my best friend through anything. I love her unconditionally. However, I wonder if I'd question myself if I realised she was capable of doing this, especially for such a long period of time.

My own dad had an affair and then moved in with my mum's best friend when I was 4yo. Obviously I didn't really understand at the time. Now, as an adult, I will always regard my dad as self centred and someone who makes bad choices. I love him, but I don't respect him.

LadyEloise1 · 19/12/2021 07:32

@MachineGinKelly
How are things now ?
Any resolution ?

BigYellowHat · 19/12/2021 07:41

she doesn't want to lose his respect

Tough shit, your supposed best mate is hardly acting very respectably is she? She’s also no mate for having an affair AND asking you to keep it from your DH. I would never keep anything like that from my DH. You need to do the right thing by Emma and distance yourself from those two losers.

LadyEloise1 · 09/06/2022 17:24

@MachineGinKelly
Any resolution?

Eightiesfan · 09/06/2022 17:50

I would definitely tell DH. Your friend is a complete and utter waste of space as is her affair partner. Can she not find a man outside her friendship circle?

Personally, think she has probably wanted to tell you about her affair, as once the cats out of the bag it won’t go back in without a fight. Maybe she is counting on you telling your husband and hoping news gets back to Emma.

MountainClimber22 · 09/06/2022 17:55

Stay out of it and act like you were never told. No good will come from it.

Cod · 09/06/2022 18:10

zombie thread

Herejustforthisone · 09/06/2022 18:18

I’m not sure two months old counts as a zombie.

Laurajane1987 · 09/06/2022 18:54

You tell them both to come clean by the weekend or you will do it for them. What an awful thing to do then subsequently to do to you. I'd definitely be telling my husband, an omission is as bad as a lie and your 'best friend's is potentially causing problems for your own relationship now. I don't envy you at all!!.
I understand your thoughts of loyalty but as per usual with any person that embarks on an affair they've given little thought or care to anyone close to them. That really shows you something about the character of your friend imo, she's lied to you, daily for four years and now she's been caught out she's dumped the responsibility of a secret on you, that's just awful awful behavior.

Didjesuspoop · 09/06/2022 19:04

@Herejustforthisone this thread is from April 21, that’s a year and 2 months ago

2bazookas · 09/06/2022 19:41

NO WAY would I keep it secret from your husband who works with her. She does not deserve that discretion or consideration and has no right to demand it.

Emma may know, or suspect, and be biding her time. I'd give her a non-specific heads up along the lines of " I heard Sarah is having an affair with a married man. "

Sarah is a manipulative cheat who can't be trusted. She's no friend to you (or Emma, or your husband) and doesn't deserve your complicit support so they can continue the affair.

How would you feel if Emma turned a blind eye to Sarah screwing your husband? Emma may know, or suspect, and be biding her time.
I'd give her a heads up along the lines of " did you know Sarah is
having an affair with a married man. "

MooPooBoo · 09/06/2022 21:02

Zombie thread but…. Beware she could do this to you.

LicoricePizza · 09/06/2022 23:14

I would share it with your DH - you can trust him & check if Sarah is manipulating you both.
This would change how I viewed my friendship with Sarah. It would make me lose a lot of respect & trust in her as someone happy to sleep with another woman’s DH, least of all the DH of a good friend. That’s pretty low. As is the DH.
Personally I would pull back on my friendship with her. Stating she is making you complicit in something you do not agree with. That you can no longer be her friend. You can’t dictate what she does or how she lives her life but you cannot support it. When Emma inevitably finds out if/when they go public, she’ll understand why you suddenly dropped your friendship with your BF & your wider group.

Diverseopinions · 10/06/2022 01:17

Zombie thread, I know, but there will be less and less to chat about as friends, anyway, as you'll emotionally shy away from her, and will be like a different person with her.

Diverseopinions · 10/06/2022 01:21

Anyone would gradually realise how much trust is involved at the base of friendship, and this betrayal will end up affecting everything, like ink being pipetted into a tank of water. I think OP will go from being in shock to cutting Sarah out of her life.

expat101 · 10/06/2022 03:12

I kept my workmate/friend's affair secret but word soon got out. Naturally I was blamed, so I think you should consider the position you have been put in by Sarah.

I would be having stern words with her, it's one thing for her and John to carry on, its another to expect you to keep this to yourself.

I would be very surprised if John would be happy about you knowing though..

blisstwins · 10/06/2022 03:41

You need to tell Emma or tell Sarah she and John need to come clean or you will tell. This is so not fair to Emma. She is being denied agency in her own life. She is young and could still put together a life with a partner she could have children with etc. her husband and friend are humiliating her. Itnis gross. Not fair to have told you and expect you to carry this. You don’t want a best friend life Sarah.

22N · 10/06/2022 04:08

It’s weird the way these threads get resurrected 🤔

Marotte · 10/06/2022 04:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

KangFang · 10/06/2022 04:15

I'm singing that Cranberries song now...........