Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

@momobots

Personally I would consider cutting the friendship until they sort it out. You likely to lose more than just her as a friend when it comes out that u knew and did nothing.

Excellent idea! You could explain to Sarah how this has put you in a very difficult situation and you want to remain good friends, but until it fizzles out, is stopped or Emma finds out, you want to take a break.

Your DH's response is odd.....mine would have been asking for gory details, every last drop and then been wise and said back away.

Your best friend is a bit of a shit. I’m imagining you have had quite a few group meets since their affair began so she has sat there drinking with and talking to her lover’s wife. It’s so sick and twisted, people can be utterly horrible at times.

I don’t envy your position at all, the messenger very rarely comes out favourably. I think the friendship group will disband when the truth comes out regardless so I’d be inclined to just tell her. Imagine if Emma knew Sarah was shagging your husband and didn’t tell you, how would you feel? I’m sure you’d want to know.

Do you think the others will ask why you're withdrawing from all the group chats OP.

Strange reaction from your DH. Mine really gets involved in nothing and isn't a gossip at all. But I'm pretty sure he'd not react like that.

paintfairy My dh would want to know with whom also. But not a gossip at all.

I'd be telling my dh if I wanted to. I'd struggle knowing about it and it would affect me having to keep an ongoing dishonesty a secret longer term. I'd need to share those feelings with my dh.

I'd tell Sarah I wasn't prepared to lie for her. I'd also tell her I would be mentioning it to my dh for the above reasons. I'd be cross she put me in this position.

The group couldn't really continue meeting up anyway as there'd be no way I'd be able to be present knowing that two of them were having an affair whilst the wife sat there with us. Another reason why dh would have to know as I'd have to say I couldn't join the meet ups.

Depending on how well I knew John I'd speak to him, tell him I knew and that he needs to speak to his wife and make a decision one way or the other.

Telling Emma - I don't know. I'd be completely torn with thinking she should know, but not wanting to be the one to tell her. In her position I'd want to know. He's putting her at risk in so many ways. And if it were me, I'd be devastated and humiliated to think that people knew and kept it from me.

It would have a massive impact on my friendship with Sarah. I couldn't respect her any more and would feel resentment for making me be a part of it.

I'd also be concerned that I-now she knows you know, and you're keeping it a secret from everyone too, she'll start trying to use the friendship as ways to see John more.

Things like, if Emma asks about xyz, tell her .... or 'could you just cover me for an hour. You'll end up being her alibi to aid her meeting John more.

And it could be held over you 'well She knew all about it but didn't tell'

Your husband knows something already.

I hoped you'd have poor Emma's back, but it's your choice, obviously. I really hope she has other friends who will help her through the coming shitstorm.

I've had to go back and look at the names I wrote because I completely forgot what I changed them to!

The reaction of my husband didn't surprise me, there have been a few times he's asked me not to tell him things about Sarah because he doesn't like to get involved. As I've already said he thinks a lot of her and he works with her so staying out of mess is wise of him I'd say. He's never been one for gossip or drama so it really doesn't worry me. No I don't think my husband has cheated on me with my best friend, may I ask people to maybe be careful what they put in people's heads online? Some people will not cope with those kinds of thoughts. It's really not fair to do just to try and convince me my friend is a bad person.

I know people wanted me to tell Emma or make my friend tell the truth but like I already said, one of the people involved has been very vulnerable in the past with mental health and I won't risk setting it off again.

This isn't my affair. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't even ask Sarah anything too involved to be told this. I saw him go into her house and asked her very casually what he was there for, I didn't want this and I'm not taking responsibility for any of it. I can't without causing a war! My husband would get involved, all my friends, kids would be involved and I can't deal with it.

I have been cheated on before many times and I know it hurts and trust me I wish Emma wasn't going through this even if she doesn't know what's happening. But the situation seems to be that Sarah and John have a distant plan to come out with the truth and move in, but it's a long time in the future. I hate that and I've gone to bed with a stomach ache since Sarah told me what was going on, I feel sick sometimes thinking about it. But it's not my responsibility.

Think about that. What your "friend" told you is making you feel ill. That's not fair.

Do you think that selfish cow feels even the slightest bit ill about what she's doing to Emma, and to you? Not bloody likely. For your sake, I hope it all comes out soon.

It's nice your Husband has Sarah's back.

This isn't gossip, it's a fact.

I would not say anything. Ultimately, although Sarah and John are in the wrong, she is your friend and, actually, Sarah is single and John is in the wrong but I'd stay out of it.

Your friend is surely getting strung along OP... have you talked to her about this? John is having his cake and eating it.

Your friend is surely getting strung along OP... have you talked to her about this? John is having his cake and eating it.

I did tell her this as I previously mentioned. Men always say they'll leave their wives but if he was going to I would think he'd have done so by now. I told her I think he's just trying to buy more time getting away with it but Sarah doesn't seem at all worried by that, she isn't desperate for him to move in and for now seems content with him staying at a distance at least for now. She doesn't have kids and I don't think she is wanting to be a step-mum figure anytime soon.
They're both doing a terrible thing but it's almost like they just find it normal now. 4 years is a long time, they have to both be alright with how it's gone to not have gone further yet.

*It's nice your Husband has Sarah's back.

This isn't gossip, it's a fact*

Like I've said before they work together. They're good friends outside of work but he's her boss at the end of the day and he tries to stay professional in some areas. He wouldn't want to know anything that could cause problems at work. I don't know if he's assumed she's having an affair with someone from work but he doesn't want to know and I respect that. I don't want to know so I'm not going to force it on him now.

She's participating in deceitful behaviour and now she's got you participating too. A problem shared eh!

I would be straight with her and say she may feel comfortable with that. You don't. Either she and him come clean or you will have to tell your husband.

It will eat you up until you do.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

1) Sarah isnt a good friend. Shes a cheating cow who has knowingly been seeing a married father of young kids for four years. She and John lost any right to sympathy and support when they started down this road. 2) talk to your husband. 100%. He deserves your honesty far more than Sarah deserves anything. 3) talk to John. Tell him he tells Emma or you do.

He wont leave his wife.

Sarah is a piece of work and I wouldnr be continuing that particular friendship.

^ This ^ 100%

If it's not your responsibility and you aren't going to do anything about it, then why post originally? I think perhaps you and Sarah have the same mindset - you only want people to tell you what you want to hear. You didn't want to hear about the possibility that your friend could, actually, do the same to you with your husband. It's only a possibility at this stage, unlike Emma's situation, but you didn't want to hear it. Head in sand. You don't want advice, you want confirmation you should just keep ignoring it, despite the stomach ache. You know what's coming, I reckon, hence the original post, and you posted through guilt, not for advice. A terrible situation for you in the first place, but I have to say I reckon you lack integrity. You don't have to tell Emma but you should, really should, tell Sarah you're stepping back from HER mess, until the hand grenade goes off at least.

Great post from @ConfusedAsAlways42.

Yes I agree that OP just wants validation that she should stay quiet. This post has spectacularly backfired on her.

I don't think your husband's reaction is strange at all. I'd react the same way because once you know something you become involved and your relationship with that person shifts which could cause real issues in the workplace.

I have been cheated on before many times and I know it hurts and trust me I wish Emma wasn't going through this even if she doesn't know what's happening. But the situation seems to be that Sarah and John have a distant plan to come out with the truth and move in, but it's a long time in the future.

I think you know that "plan" is all bollocks. I think it's horrible that even though you know the pain and heartache of being cheated on you won't tell Emma what is going on. There are ways to approach her without just blurting it out. "Emma, I know something that if I tell you might end our friendship but I'd risk that over you knowing later and hating me because I knew."

Don't use someone else's mental health past to justify not telling them something so they can decide whether to continue living in a lie. That's shitty. If you're worried about how she would cope then you offer to be there for her if she does want to know. You give her autonomy.

Don't hide behind loyalty to your best friend, she isn't being loyal to any of you. She could have lied about why John was at her house but she chose to drag you into her secret. Now you know, it's not a secret. I'd be surprised if, regardless of what she says about not being bothered when he leaves Emma, she was hoping this would be the tipping point. So just tip it. The friendship group can't go on the way it has and Emma is going to notice. Just rip off the band-aid and let everyone move on.

I wholeheartedly agree with @ConfusedAsAlways42 and @TimeForTeaAndG - with respect to your own feelings, which have been damaged by this situation, I suspect you will look back on this with anger and regret once you realise that Sarah has taken both you and your husband for fools. It takes a lot of hard work to be and remain a decent person, when most of us have our little flaws, but we keep trying. Sarah sounds like an arch manipulator, a user, a liar, a cold-hearted, selfish taker. Many of us on this thread have formed this opinion because of your own words about Sarah. You are afraid of your own truth about her. It's really sad that she has disappointed you, that she has shown you her true self and that you don't want to face it. Maybe John is just like Sarah. Maybe he is abusing and gaslighting and undermining Emma, hence her mental health issues and then using her mh to keep everyone in order. It's a really sick situation and you are looking the other way. The only one who has her integrity intact in this scenario is Emma. The rest of you are unworthy players or bystanders. Sorry to be harsh.

4 years is a long time, they have to both be alright with how it's gone to not have gone further yet.

You can’t force her. 4 years is a long time and I suspect John’s wife does know something... not necessarily Sarah of course just another woman.

When it comes to an end. Sarah will get burnt and John probably will still have his family at the end of this unfortunately.

Mean while OW is held the lowest of the low!
situation

No, the cheating husband and the OW are equally shit. I don't hold with the popular view that the OW is somehow innocent because she's single.

OP, if the mental health issue is such an essential factor in your decision, why did you wait so long to mention it?

I couldn't trust someone like that.

She's probably slept with other husbands in the group and doesn't want it to come out incase anyone tells him and he no longer wants to leave his wife - she doesn't deserve respect.