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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 06/04/2021 15:15

BI was once in Emma's position. Please tell her. It is the worst thing, to finally find out about your husband cheating... And realising that others had known about it. Don't be the one who knew but did nothing.

stoopider · 06/04/2021 15:16

Tell her. Poor woman

paintfairy · 06/04/2021 18:34

I suppose the only way of knowing what to do is to ask yourself what would you like to be done, if it was the other way around? If Emma knew Sarah was having an affair with your husband- would you be OK with her keeping quiet, because you aren't close friends? And there's your answer!

As for her not wanting to to tell your DH, that's definitely a reason for that......

TurquoiseDragon · 06/04/2021 18:38

@PersonaNonGarter

Ofgs a valued friend is a friend - I wouldn’t bin my BFF for anything short of sleeping with my own DH. People make mistakes and we love them anyway - surely that’s the point of old friends? Not endless prissy judgement when they screw up.
A drunken one night stand might be a mistake, but a 4 year affair is not.
SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 06/04/2021 19:22

one of the people involved has had mental health problems in the past and doing this wrong could end a very different way than anyone wants.

Strongly suspect this is Emma and that Sarah has told you this.

I more strongly suspect it’s Sarah, which is why the OP is protecting her. And ‘doing this wrong’ presumably means provoking the beast in some way...

Look - it is categorically not the OP’s place to tell Emma.

She is a third party, and it’s not her place to wade in as messenger, to drop a bomb into a family’s life.

It is her place to put pressure on Sarah and / or Emma’s husband to come clean. I would be stepping back from the friendship with Sarah as a way of pressuring her to do this.

I have two best friends that I’ve known since childhood / infancy, i.e. long before I met DH. I would not be binning them off. But if one of them were to do something like this, and put me in the impossible position of knowing, I’d be doing everything in my power to get them to come clean. And if that meant pulling back from the friendship to send a clear message, so be it.

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 12:32

I have two best friends that I’ve known since childhood / infancy, i.e. long before I met DH. I would not be binning them off. But if one of them were to do something like this, and put me in the impossible position of knowing, I’d be doing everything in my power to get them to come clean.

how do you persuade someone to come clean though. What options would you have because I don't see how you would manage this. 🌸

MeanWeedratStew · 09/04/2021 02:47

OP, would you at least consider that Emma may be at risk of STDs from her lying shitbag of a husband, and needs to be made aware of this sooner rather than later? If he's been happily shagging your disgusting BFF for four years, then who knows where else he's been sticking his knob?

She deserves to know, if for no other reason than to take care of her physical health. Please. Some things are actually more important than the vile Sarah.

Hollanda40 · 09/04/2021 09:31

That's easy. "Sarah, you tell her or I do". Then walk away.

LongTimeMammaBear · 09/04/2021 20:54

I wouldn’t be able to stomach meeting up with Sarah again. I’d be very disappointed in her. I’d be telling Sarah this too. This is morally repugnant. Not the type of “friend” I’d want to have around.

I also not be able to look at john Either.

In decided if I’d tell Emma. The friendship group is going to end one way or anther wen the news gets out. Poor Emma. I hope she’s not the one to get dropped Goodness, they have kids.

SmashedAvocado · 12/04/2021 20:31

Did you come to a decision OP?

Or is poor Emma still sleeping next to her DH every night oblivious that he’s shagging her friend?

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 12/04/2021 22:44

@paintfairy

I suppose the only way of knowing what to do is to ask yourself what would you like to be done, if it was the other way around? If Emma knew Sarah was having an affair with your husband- would you be OK with her keeping quiet, because you aren't close friends? And there's your answer!

As for her not wanting to to tell your DH, that's definitely a reason for that......

This, exactly. It happened to me, people knew, didn't tell me. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Until some brave person did. I dropped all the other people who knew from my life, ended up very lonely for a while but I'd rather be alone (or just have one or two great friends) than with the gutless people who turned the other way - they total lacked integrity. Sarah involved you, she changed the game. You can't pretend she didn't. I know it's awful - but Sarah did that. You dumped the responsibility at your door. I'd step away from her.....unless, of course, you don't believe she's doing anything immoral. Infidelity isn't a victimless crime. Good luck and be brave. You don't have to live with Sarah, but you do have to live with yourself.
ConfusedAsAlways42 · 12/04/2021 22:45
  • she dumped the responsibility at your door.
Original poster
MachineGinKelly · 16/04/2021 00:02

Did you come to a decision OP?

I think so yes. It's not my business. It's no more my business just because my friend wanted to include me in it. I did tell my husband my friend had been having an affair but not who with and he told me he didn't want to know and asked me not to talk about it because he didn't want to be involved. So I did the same. I told my best friend I don't want to talk about it anymore with her but let her know I'm here for her no matter what.
The whole thing is too fragile and I'm not the one to blow it apart. I gave my best friend my opinion that she should tell our other friend the truth, but that's up to her and I'm not pushing her any further and I'm not going to speak up.

I'm positive this will come out soon but until it does I've said I'll be staying out of the group meetings, the group chats and out of the whole thing. I know this means I'll be a part of the nasty truth when it comes out and be one of the bad guys but honestly it's all I'm willing to do right now.

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 01:53

Yes you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Good luck when it does come out. 🌸

crazychick89 · 16/04/2021 09:28

Meh, disappointing update in all fairness.

sofato5miles · 16/04/2021 09:45

I agree with ypu OP, fwiw

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 16/04/2021 09:46

@MachineGinKelly

Did you come to a decision OP?

I think so yes. It's not my business. It's no more my business just because my friend wanted to include me in it. I did tell my husband my friend had been having an affair but not who with and he told me he didn't want to know and asked me not to talk about it because he didn't want to be involved. So I did the same. I told my best friend I don't want to talk about it anymore with her but let her know I'm here for her no matter what.
The whole thing is too fragile and I'm not the one to blow it apart. I gave my best friend my opinion that she should tell our other friend the truth, but that's up to her and I'm not pushing her any further and I'm not going to speak up.

I'm positive this will come out soon but until it does I've said I'll be staying out of the group meetings, the group chats and out of the whole thing. I know this means I'll be a part of the nasty truth when it comes out and be one of the bad guys but honestly it's all I'm willing to do right now.

And soon, you will feel angry at her. She has altered your friendship, despite your loyalty. Wishing you all the best and thanks for the update.
LadyEloise · 16/04/2021 09:51

I think it's a bit of an odd reaction from your dh to be honest.

candycane222 · 16/04/2021 09:57

Maybe dh already suspected/knew something was up and doesn't want to get involved explicitly. I can't blame either OP or her DH for not wanting to know/intervene, it's not going to be pleasant, is it? Basically the adulterous couple have lit a slow fuse under the entire friendship circle. I can entirely sympathise with the wish to just back slowly away. Any alternative course of sction drags them in. Sadly, many of yhe friendships are already doomed Sad

CounsellorTroi · 16/04/2021 10:02

Now you know about the affair that knowledge will fester. It’s going to be incredibly difficult for you to carry on as though she never told you.

SelkieIntegrated · 16/04/2021 10:08

@Hollanda40

That's easy. "Sarah, you tell her or I do". Then walk away.
Id say this. Even if you dont believe you will.
SelkieIntegrated · 16/04/2021 10:09

When it all comes out, as it will, i think to have said this is the only thing that could save emma's trust in you.

Poor emma is going to need so much counselling to be able to trust again

Pumpkinpie1 · 16/04/2021 10:20

I would be wondering why your husband is reacting so strangely . I suspect it’s either his own guilty conscience or he knows more than he’s saying. How sure are you that your “ friend “ hasn’t been “friendly with him as well !

momobots · 16/04/2021 10:26

Personally I would consider cutting the friendship until they sort it out. You likely to lose more than just her as a friend when it comes out that u knew and did nothing.

LadyEloise · 16/04/2021 10:45

"I would be wondering why your husband is reacting so strangely. I suspect it's either his own guilty conscience or he knows more than he's saying. How sure are you that your " friend" hasn't been "friendly" with him as well ?"

My thoughts too @Pumpkinpie1.
A really odd reaction.

The fall out for all - children, Emma, friendship group - will be horrendous Sad