SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

@AlexaShutUp

You wouldn’t be ‘supporting that partner’ though, you’d be making the decision that your own children are looked after by one of their actual parents rather than outsourcing it.

Yes, but I wouldn't make that decision personally, so unless my partner was financially independent, I would need to support them in order for them to make that choice.

Personally, if it was really important to me not to outsource childcare, I would opt for both partners going part time rather than having one SAHP, or working opposite shifts around each other. I would not have wanted to stay at home myself, but I wouldn't have been happy for my partner to stay at home and only do childcare either. I prefer a more even distribution of labour.

Not judging what anyone else chooses to do - if it works for their family and both partners are happy, all power to them. I'm just saying that I would resent a SAHP who didn't take on what I would perceive as a fair share of the load, and consequently, that isn't an arrangement that I would be willing to fund.

Why are you implying that the OP doesn't want to do any housework? She hasn't said this at all. She's only said that she doesn't see why her DH has so much free time and rest whereas she doesn't seem to get any.

What the OP wants is for her DH to pull his weight enough to give her breaks as well as him. That's reasonable. So she gets the occasional lie in/chance to do her hobbies/rest. He makes the odd meal, takes the kids out at weekends etc. Even a housekeeper who gets paid for it doesn't work 24 hour days.

Stop being so superior with your WOH schtick. Have some empathy. The poor OP will get burnt out if she has no rest whatsoever. Even if you have a job, you get annual leave. Why? Because people would get overwhelmed and exhausted if they didn't.

@Splicedbananas, I always spent my days off work with my dc, so the annual leave comment is pretty irrelevant to be fair.

FWIW, I don't disagree that the OP's partner should pull his weight with regard to childcare in the evenings and at the weekends. In my view, it's really important that both parents should build solid relationships with the children. I also think it's entirely fair that both partners should get a lie-in once a week and time to themselves etc.

I was commenting particularly on the housework side of things because personally, I do think that a SAHP should generally take on the bulk of that work. For me, it seems really unfair otherwise, and I wouldn't be happy to be the WOHP in that scenario.

Go back to work OP. And develop an exit strategy. He is a selfish man who does not value you at all and has no interest in your children.

How do you deep-clean and bleach bathrooms while looking after a 2yo? Do you pass them some rubber gloves and the bottle of bleach and get them to help? Same with ironing.

There are some household jobs that are difficult to do with small children around. If the SAHP can't do a job between 8-6 while also caring for the children, it should be shared with the other parent, taking turns to supervise the children.

I’m a SAHM to 19m old twins and DH works from home. The usual split for us is.....
Me - look after boys, cooking, laundry, cleaning bathrooms as and when, organising shopping deliveries (shielding household so not been in a supermarket for over a year) deal with household maintenance needs, dealing with household bills
DH - working, keeping dishwasher un/loaded, cleaning kitchen, vacuuming rest of downstairs.

It’s all on its head at the moment as I’ve broken my foot so he’s picked up an awful lot more of the stuff I normally do and we also have also had his DM here who is doing a lot so I can sit doing nothing but recovering (her instructions!!)

@DarkMatterA2Z

How do you deep-clean and bleach bathrooms while looking after a 2yo? Do you pass them some rubber gloves and the bottle of bleach and get them to help? Same with ironing.

There are some household jobs that are difficult to do with small children around. If the SAHP can't do a job between 8-6 while also caring for the children, it should be shared with the other parent, taking turns to supervise the children.

They presumably nap, play or watch cartoons which gives their parent time to do something. I don't know anyone who spends 14 hours exclusively entertaining their child with activities.

OP have you sat your husband down and told them how you feel? Maybe he needs to hear it as he thinks that you're ok with how things are??

My husband used to be very hands on with the children and their care. Not so much with the chores.

I have always worked full time and looked after the house and finances. I was also the higher wage earner.

My husband met someone else at work and left 2 years ago. It hasn't meant much change to me and showed how unequally things were split whilst we were together.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't responsible for both children. They don't like his new partner so choose not to go there for time with dad. He spends time with them at my place.

I know that this isn't forever. The children are getting older and are now starting to do more to help around the house. My daughter will cook meals. They will both clean up the kitchen. My son will mow the lawn. They are both responsible for their belongings and their space. It is getting better and I can see it being better still when lockdown is over.

They presumably nap, play or watch cartoons which gives their parent time to do something.

Not my non-napping toddler at 2 . They would have wanted to be with me in our upstairs bathroom inhaling bleach fumes or pulling on the iron cord or climbing on the ironed clothes. I wouldn't have left them unsupervised downstairs while I cleaned the upstairs bathrooms in any case. Now my child is older, I can safely leave them in front of the TV for longer and they understand better about danger, but that's not the case with a 2 year old.

@forinborin yes in an ideal world. But don't forget the SAHP is on duty at night as well, perhaps they deserve to sit down to eat and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet just like the working parent would do on their lunch break.

OP, if your husband thinks your daily life is a piece of piss then he can do it all the time he's not at work while you sit on the sofa, can't he? Suggest you two swap your usual evening/weekend/holiday routines and watch him attempt to explain why he doesn't want to do that (answer: because he knows that actually you are working A Lot Harder than he is). Or better yet just announce that's how it'll be for the next four years until you've both done the same amount of each version, then you can negotiate.

The only measure of "fairness" in a relationship that I have found is equal leisure time. It is NOT fair for one person to sit on their arse/piss off out with the dog for a leisurely walk twice a day while the other never gets a break. Do you and he both realise that if you were to split up your life would get immeasurably easier (you would have significantly more time to yourself, for one thing) while his would get harder (as in, he'd actually have to do some adulting, poor soul)!? If your relationship was balanced then you would both benefit from being in it, but that isn't the case currently.

The things that would made me crossest would be his daily lie ins after you've been woken up in the night by your JOINT children (why do YOU not get all the lie ins?) and his selfish use of annual leave days - together they really do demonstrate that he has no investment in your family and is only thinking of Number One.

The fact that when you were at work previously he still didn't do a fair share at home shows that this isn't actually a SAHP vs. WOHP fairness disagreement - it's just that he's a lazy adult. Time for a serious discussion, I would think, but I'm not sure how much he'll change sadly. Maybe some marriage counselling? Does he realise how much of an issue this is creating in your relationship?

Sounds like SAH isn’t working for you (it wouldn’t for me) so would seek to return to paid work asap, and seek for your H to do a fairer share of domestic work and parenting.

That he hasn’t to date is a big problem and a strong reason not to SAH - being financially dependent on someone sexist is too risky.

Your husband does loads more than mine did. I was working as a doctor.,2 kids.
I did leave though (but not because of this) !

My DH is the same, but to be fair to him he trys and I get pissed it's wrong

I'm a SAHP my husband works away most of the week so during the week I take care of everything but he pulls his weight when home. If he is home in the evening he will tidy up while I put the kids to bed or he will do bedtime while I tidy. On the weekends he cooks and will help catch up with any housework so if I haven't had chance in the week it doesn't get out of control. We have 4 DC youngest starting reception in September this year but he will still do his fair share whether I go back to work or not. You are a team!

I'd say you just do everything like housework and cooking, shopping, changing beds, washing ironing etc - like working a full time job. Incidentals and morning /. Ichthyosaurs routine and weekends are shared

Ichthyosaurs = evening 😆😳

... unless you have an ichthyosaurs... in which case the changing water and feeding should be shared too

Invariably you'll end up doing the larger share of the household chores if you're at home all day, however it is incredibly important for the kids to see that dads take care of chores too and that it's not just 'women's work'. There needs to be more balance in the home dynamic so your husband needs to step up. Does he actually have his nose to the grind stone all that time he's in his home office? Secondly, you need to get your eldest back into his own bed so that you can both sleep undisturbed. It'll be hard to begin with but stick too it. Use lots of rewards.

SAHM is a full time job too. So you should both share household chores more or less equally. One cooks, the other washes dishes, one hovers, the other cleans tables, windows or toilets. One changes bedsheets, the other loads the washing machine.
Don't think that looking after kids is doing nothing. Think of it this way, if you were to hire a nanny, she'd cost you probably more than a minimum salary. So it is a job, and a hard one, because you do it full time with all the overtime.
If your husband doesn't think so, leave him with the kids and go with your friends for a weekend break, leave him with the kids alone for few days. Then maybe he'll appreciate what you do more.

When I was on mat leave I made it clear that my ‘job’ was to parent rather then do housework and that anything outside of DH’s working hours was a joint responsibility. I’ve stopped working one day a week but that was to spend more time with our child so that’s what I do on that day. We do have a cleaner and did throughout our mat leave. I’d highly recommend it if you have the means

I would go back to work part time, that’s what I did. And definitely try to get 4 year old sleeping in own bed for a better nights sleep for all

When my first born was 2 months old I had to have a conversation with my DH. I was on maternity leave. I told him that between the hours of 7-7 Mon-Fri (when he was out of the house) I was happy to do everything but outside of those hours it was 50-50 as I needed breaks as well. He then said 'I'm so sorry, I just thought everything child related was your job' but when I took the time to explain that it wasn't he was right on board, thankfully and we haven't looked back - I have no complaints. Time for a chat or go on strike - just stop doing stuff - difficult I know, but it will perhaps ram the message home.

When I was a sahm, my job was making a home. This meant keeping the house, cooking, social life, and administration. His job was to pay for it all, and parent equally on his off hours.

Thruth be told, he helped with cooking and cleaning as needed too.
When I was working full time, it switched and he ran a tight ship! He kept the house spotless.